I still want to die..Sorry

[chev]

I'm sure people are getting tired of me posting this crap on here, because I know people hate it when others are negative and what-not. No one even has to read this if they don't want to (I suppose it just feels more concrete to write it out than stewing over the thoughts in my head). I just don't know where else to turn, but I'm sorry that I am bringing it up yet again. I really just want to kill myself so much that I cant even handle it!!!! I had a dream the other night that I was dying. It felt like my brain was ACTUALLY shutting down, but, of course, my stupid sh*tty self had to regain consciousness and it was so painful when the realization sunk in that it was a dream. I wonder if it's possible to die in your sleep after wanting it so much and being depressed for so long. Probably not, but I really wish it could.

 

[Earthcircle]

I do sometimes feel that my very presence in the universe is a crime, a disgrace to the cosmos. I feel that the Holy Spirit spits upon me, and I don't even believe in god.

 

[chev]

I do sometimes feel that my very presence in the universe is a crime, a disgrace to the cosmos. I feel that the Holy Spirit spits upon me, and I don't even believe in god.

I feel my presence is a crime too, like my very existence makes the world a worse place. I feel like I am a waste of space, air, and so on. The world would be a better place if I were not here.

 

[Earthcircle]

I wish I could just rest for a few days. Just rest and not think about much of anything.

 

[chev]

I wish I could just rest for a few days. Just rest and not think about much of anything.

Yeah, I've wished that I could at least slip into a coma for a few days. It would be nice to just have that much peace-not feel anything and just sleep through.

 

[MikeyC]

chev, why are you feeling this way? What has bought you to this dark place?

 

[chev]

chev, why are you feeling this way? What has bought you to this dark place?

A lot of it has to do with extremely low self esteem. I feel that I am so extremely ugly, I'm dumb, I have no skills, I have a lot of social anxiety (and am very awkward). Right now, those feelings have been heightened so much because I can't find a job. I feel utterly worthless and pathetic. This is partly to due with my past expectations in myself. When I was in grade school, I got made fun of, ignored, and in general, just felt my classmates hated me. Teachers always said the whole "watch who you bully! Those are going to be your bosses some day!" to our class. I told myself back then that I would be successful some day (not necessarily be anyone's boss)- I had pictured myself in a stable point in my life today, but I have not reached that and feel I have disappointed my young self. Because I have failed myself, I feel nothing will ever change. I'm always going to be the ugly, awkward girl that has no friends and does not stand out in any positive way.

 

[Earthcircle]

That's actually me, except that I'm male. In a way, it's even more painful to have some degree of success. A handful of people have actually read things I've written, but that's just embarrassing because it draws attention to the fact that I can only produce trash.

 

[chazer2010]

i'm really sorry that you feel this way i wish i could help you with anything you are still 22.so maybe there's still hope...don't give up yet..not now..not after 22 years...do you take medicine? well you should.that way you'll get better.but you'll have to give it a year or two...it's easy to give up.. and hard to keep trying..but don't quit..cause quitters never win

 

[chev]

That's actually me, except that I'm male. In a way, it's even more painful to have some degree of success. A handful of people have actually read things I've written, but that's just embarrassing because it draws attention to the fact that I can only produce trash.

That's probably how I'd feel about myself too. I've considered writing a book before but feel it would flop. That, or if it did get attention, it would be negative attention and people would judge me.

 

[chev]

i'm really sorry that you feel this way i wish i could help you with anything you are still 22.so maybe there's still hope...don't give up yet..not now..not after 22 years...do you take medicine? well you should.that way you'll get better.but you'll have to give it a year or two...it's easy to give up.. and hard to keep trying..but don't quit..cause quitters never win

Thanks for your support. I know it's a very young age to give up, but I just have wanted to die since I was 11. Which, I know there are a lot of people out there who have battled with stuff like this for MUCH longer than I have. To those people, I give kudos to for fighting and staying that strong. And I know I'm being a hypocrite, because when other people want to commit suicide it breaks my heart and I feel that they are beautiful, wonderful people, despite what they feel. I want them to remain strong and keep fighting, but somehow I can never feel that I'm enough or should keep going.

I don't take any medicine. I've considered it before, but I always get scared to go get professional help.

 

[Earthcircle]

If someone likes what I wrote, I feel that I misled them.

 

[BlueDays]

A lot of it has to do with extremely low self esteem. I feel that I am so extremely ugly, I'm dumb, I have no skills, I have a lot of social anxiety (and am very awkward). Right now, those feelings have been heightened so much because I can't find a job. I feel utterly worthless and pathetic. This is partly to due with my past expectations in myself. When I was in grade school, I got made fun of, ignored, and in general, just felt my classmates hated me. Teachers always said the whole "watch who you bully! Those are going to be your bosses some day!" to our class. I told myself back then that I would be successful some day (not necessarily be anyone's boss)- I had pictured myself in a stable point in my life today, but I have not reached that and feel I have disappointed my young self. Because I have failed myself, I feel nothing will ever change. I'm always going to be the ugly, awkward girl that has no friends and does not stand out in any positive way.

Thanks for your support. I know it's a very young age to give up, but I just have wanted to die since I was 11. Which, I know there are a lot of people out there who have battled with stuff like this for MUCH longer than I have. To those people, I give kudos to for fighting and staying that strong. And I know I'm being a hypocrite, because when other people want to commit suicide it breaks my heart and I feel that they are beautiful, wonderful people, despite what they feel. I want them to remain strong and keep fighting, but somehow I can never feel that I'm enough or should keep going.

I don't take any medicine. I've considered it before, but I always get scared to go get professional help.

^ I am in the exact same position as you. But I have got medication to help (Antidepressants), while it does not get rid of the desire to leave this planet, it does take the edge of that feeling enough to get through each day. I am not allowed to leave this life yet because of family members, do you have any family members that may prevent you from being able to harm yourself?
I was also very scared of going to a doctor and telling them about my problems. When I did I only told them enough of my problems to be able to get some medication, therefore seeing someone was bearable and not so overwhelming. You can just tell them enough to make them realise you need some without going into too much detail.

 

[chazer2010]

^ I am in the exact same position as you. But I have got medication to help (Antidepressants), while it does not get rid of the desire to leave this planet, it does take the edge of that feeling enough to get through each day. I am not allowed to leave this life yet because of family members, do you have any family members that may prevent you from being able to harm yourself?
I was also very scared of going to a doctor and telling them about my problems. When I did I only told them enough of my problems to be able to get some medication, therefore seeing someone was bearable and not so overwhelming. You can just tell them enough to make them realise you need some without going into too much detail.

yeah.chev.you just need to see a doctor.he or she will ask you what's wrong with you and you just have to tell him or her..it's simple..but it'll be hard for you if you have SA...but believe me..you'll not regret this..it's the only way to feel better..don't give up yet..you still can live a happy life..

 

[chev]

Thanks, guys. I will try to work up the courage to go to the doctor, because I know I can't save myself. It still might take some time for me to do that though.

BlueDays: to answer your question- yes, I do have family members that are my reason for why I'm still here. I utterly hate myself, but I know it would hurt my family if I were to die. If I didn't have them, I know I would've given up a long time ago and I wouldn't be here today. This is why I also feel guilty that I still feel suicidal. I had a couple complete breakdowns this year-one of which I actually admitted to my parents about cutting myself, and the other about a couple months ago in which I told my mom about wanting to die. These times were both EXTREMELY difficult to do because I didn't want to hurt them. I still feel really bad about burdening them with that stuff too

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

no your not a waste of space. people who harm others are though. you sound young btw and you only have one life so stay here as long as you can. I was very depressed before and I still have my doubts but beautiful things happen. anything your interested in just go for it.

 

[BlueDays]

BlueDays: to answer your question- yes, I do have family members that are my reason for why I'm still here. I utterly hate myself, but I know it would hurt my family if I were to die. If I didn't have them, I know I would've given up a long time ago and I wouldn't be here today. This is why I also feel guilty that I still feel suicidal. I had a couple complete breakdowns this year-one of which I actually admitted to my parents about cutting myself, and the other about a couple months ago in which I told my mom about wanting to die. These times were both EXTREMELY difficult to do because I didn't want to hurt them. I still feel really bad about burdening them with that stuff too

^Yes it is pretty hard to let your family members know what is going through your mind when you are feeling like this.:sad: But I think it does help if they know. Instead of thinking of it "burdening" them, think of it as you giving them the opportunity to help you. Some family members do jump up to the chance to help someone not end their lives when they are given the heads up before you do anything drastic.

 

[PugofCrydee]

I've been standing on that ledge of hurt and despair before, looking down into the black..
Wondering if I should step off.

To be honest, I can't tell you not to 'opt out', because if you're going to do it, nothing you read here will stop you.
But keep this in mind;
Your situation in life CAN change. Today you are unhappy, tomorrow you may not be.
Death IS permanent. Forever is a long time to be dead.

 

[williamreinsch]

I've been there too and I can honestly tell you there is light at the other side. I had nothing going for me, I thought my anxiety would never go away. I attempted suicide a few times and would not eat for weeks. Everything was just black, no hope, guilt, numbness, shame and desperation.

But I decided to go therapy when my parents kicked down my door I had barricaded and saw me in the corner of my room crying with cuts i'd made all over my body. It was a horrible moment seeing the terror and fear in my family's faces. That's when they booked me an appointment to see the doctor. I saw how much it hurt my family and I knew I had to go along with this even tho i just wanted to give up.

The doctor told me I had sever social anxiety (I did not know what this was at the time and was so happy to know it had a name) and sever depression. They gave me 200mg of sertraline and I went on a 2 year course of therapies etc and found a new love for painting which has given me a lot of confidence and given me a way to express myself when I feel there is no other way.

Now I paint for a living, I'm going to go uni next year and I go out more and see my friends now. I do get anxious still but all my friends know now that I have this disorder. I'm still trying to overcome it and it is possible! I have started using EFT recently and it's having amazing results already.

If i decided to give up then. I would not of found myself. I would not of made something with my life. My family would of been broken. I would of never known what was round that corner.

To every down there is an up, that's what my mother told me and it could not be more true.

I hope you fight through this, you have all my faith and im sure everyone who has seen your post feels the same! You can do this!

We are all here for you if you need some advice or even just someone to talk to!

 

[chev]

Sorry I'm late in responding to the last few posts.

LazyHermitCrab: I am trying to see it that way. I'm trying to remind myself of all the things I want to do or see, which I would take the opportunities away if I did kill myself.

BlueDays: I know deep down, you're right, it's just hard to see it that way when I'm feeling so low. My mom has even said the same thing, though. Although I still feel guilty about dumping my problems on her, she has assured me that she wants me to talk to her any time I'm feeling that way. She told me she would hate to find out I was trying to fight the battle on my own, and I know that I can't do that on my own anyway. I went too long trying that, and that tore me up inside.

PugofCrydee: I have had to remind myself that too. Sometimes the word "forever" in the context of death can be a little uncanny. Since I don't know what will happen after death, I have to tell myself that I don't know if the pain will actually end.

Williamreinsch: Thanks for sharing your experience. Your story does give hope. I suppose there is still a chance and possibility of a brighter future, and I really need to want and try to fight for it.

Lastly, thanks again for everyone's support/advice. I'm going to try to start journaling again. I used to do this when I was young, and it was therapeutic, but at some point I quit because I lost the interest. I need to record times I'm happier though, then that way, I will have something to look back at and remind myself of that moment when I wasn't down. I've gotten into such a bad habit of looking/recounting all the negative things in my life, that I feel like my good memories have been buried and suffocated by the bad ones.