I Have a Serious Problem With Romance

They may very well be connected to your childhood surgical procedure, but have you ever questioned why these fantasies involve women rather than men?

Oh please...

1. They originaly involved me as the victim.
2. Im a guy and Im not gay, so of course they involve women.
3. What do you say to the women with the same fantasies? ::p:


That is the wise approach. Sometimes, wanting to be close to the opposite sex and not being able to leads to resentment or hatered. We all want so badly to have a mate to be close to and we can get bitter when we don't achieve this.

It's pretty natural.


They may be misogynyistic towards women who do not fit their ideals but they might otherwise love and accept women who fit the traditional submissive gender type.

Well that's not misogyny then. It has to be globalized to the entire gender.


BTW, I have to point out that I in no way, shape, or form implied that all men or even the majority of men are rapists. Common sense dictates that this is simply not possibe and that's enough for me to believe that the majority of men are decent human beings. I would not excuse a woman for hating men just because she herself has suffered sexual or physical abuse by the hands of men. I would be understanding and supportive but I would not encourage this negative/irrational belief.

You have a rational and refreshing perspective. I wish all women were like you....literaly. ::p:

I've known enough girls and women (and one guy) who have been beaten, raped or harrassed by men. I can tell you that none of them are living their life being fearful or hateful towards men.

Do they have an anxiety disorder? See, if I were entirely sane (although IM not crazy) I wouldn't have a problem. Moralizing is impertinent.
 
Why would women in particular bash Phobologist or his thread? Do you believe that all other men are going to feel the same way about women and therefore will not bash him or his ideas?

Because women usualy don't like what I have to say about sexual politics. Most men dont have a problem with me except for certain types.

You seem to believe the same things that he does except you don't express them openly.

That's probably true.
 
...don't encourage his belief that women are going to victimize him. Maybe this is your way of commiserating but it's not going to help him realize that he is not a victim. It might just lead to him feeling sorry for himself and that is only going to further this perceived victimization. He needs to realize that he has more power over his life than he thinks he does. Please be a part of the solution. He's going through a really tough time. These beliefs and fears are making his life really difficult. Please don't add to that.

Hey thanks a lot Serafina, but RedSki and I really are a lot a like and he doesn't mean any harm. He's trying to help too, remember that.

Lately I have come to realize just how paranoid and schizophrenic my beliefs realy are. I have dropped one of them (the idea that women have to have sex straight away to prove they like me), and I am planning to work on the others this weekend.

I now see that it's quite likely I am not a victim of women, but rather a victim of a life-crippling social anxiety disorder, which has warped and twisted my thinking and my experiences into monstrosities. Women were never the problem, the problem was in my head all along! It's just like what was going on with other people not wanting to be friends no matter what I tried. The problem is with the illness, not the people responding to the illness.
 

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
The men who normally don't have a problem with this either don't care because they're over it or because they are bitter and resent women. How many of the guys on here who claim things about women actually have had real relationships with women? I mean outside of their families and I am not necessarily speaking of romantic relationships. There are some things that one cannot learn without experience. Hearsay and TV are not sufficient forms of education.

yup pretty spot on, I hate to say it but there are a dominance of naysayers here that need to wake up and stop backing up each others negativities.

I'm my early 20's I was one of them :/
 
Do you not know that such abuse can lead to depression, suicide, depression and anxiety? Do you think having social phobia is worse than being subjected to physical or sexual abuse? Would you rather be sodomized than have social anxiety? Moralizing is impertinent? I'm not sure I understand what you mean.

It sounded like you were claiming that my reasons for having these beliefs (my social phobia and related neurological problems) are invalid, because other people who have suffered "worse" abuses have much healthier attitudes towards the opposite sex. That makes me furious because it implies that Im an inadequate person. Now perhaps you didn't mean to communicate this idea, but it seems to me that there is NO possible other interpretation. However, given my social phobia, it's best to hear your explanation before I come to this conclusion. As for being sodamized, yes Id rather be sodamized then have social phobia. I wrote you the rest of this letter in PM because we are getting off topic.
 

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
You're living proof that a person can have a happy life with a family even if he/she has or used to have SP. If people can't see the inspiration in that then I don't know what will convince them.

These three magic beans perhaps?
 
The men who normally don't have a problem with this either don't care because they're over it or because they are bitter and resent women. How many of the guys on here who claim things about women actually have had real relationships with women? I mean outside of their families and I am not necessarily speaking of romantic relationships. There are some things that one cannot learn without experience. Hearsay and TV are not sufficient forms of education.

Men in real life who are successful with women beyond my wildest dreams usualy agree with many of my ideas. HOWEVER, they have often told me I was exaggerating or mistaken in a number of the beliefs I listed earlier.
 
Invalid, no. Absolutely not. What I am saying is that there are people who have actually have had serious physical harm done to them but are not fearful.


:mad: :mad: :mad: I am so ****ing mad at you right now serafina. I don't want to discuss this topic anymore. This has become a political debate with emotional and personal motivations. You are talking from a woman's perspective and promoting a number of feminist ideas. This topic is obviously very important to you emotionaly. I am speaking from a men's rights perspective and the topic is very very emotionaly important to me. I would like to talk about the underlying emotional drives rather than the politics, since thats the purpose of this mental health forum. Politics just cause anger. This is not the thread to do it in, however. I am starting a new thread in the off-topic section. I want to discuss the emotional issues there, not the politics, okay.
 

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
To be honest Phobo I think you made a post asking for help but really wanted a bunch of Yes men to agree with your ideas, you throw your toys out of the pram because a woman dares to argue.

I've read your thread, It's very messed up thinking (mysogynistic) but you would not even listen to why that is, you see I'm one of those who found a way to improve myself, basically what serafina has said is pretty much on the ball, its not politics, it's someone disagreeing, if you cannot take that then there's one problem you need to address first.

Men in real life who are successful with women beyond my wildest dreams usualy agree with many of my ideas.

I've got a long term GF and child, we are very happy, is that what you mean?

because I don't agree with your point of view
 
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Danfalc

Banned
I love women lol ;) but not in a predatory way,sure im a red blooded human but I just love their company.It's been hard with social phobia,but Ive dated a lot and had some great long term relationships.Ive had nay sayers on here say I cant be as ill as them if thats the case.

Ive also been hurt and used in the past,but I think its important we dont let these experiences tint our whole view of a gender,and I think we need to take a look in the mirror before we point the finger at other people.I don't think I deserved to be used,but at the same time I shouldnt of let myself be used.I think its very easy for people with our problems to get caught in this trap,as were lonley and often yearn for affection.But we should reconise this before placing our self esteem in someone elses hands.
 

Jesushasomeoneforme

Well-known member
Hey I understand. I have never had a date with someone I was attracted to. My anxiety is the reason. I feel like a demon. I am a super nice guy,nice guys finish last. Keep trying and never give up. Jimmy Valvano
 

Danfalc

Banned
I agree Danfalc. I am realy starting to see over the past several days how my views are terribly warped.

Bad experiences will do that,once bitten and all that :) I had a bad sexual experience when I was 13,and that put me off sex for years and really damaged my self esteem.

I guess our mind finds excuses and false beliefs to try and protect us from it happening again,so we have to look hard at those beliefs and also take time to heal.Easier said than done I know :D
 
It is good that you have learned. Having an open mind is an excellent step to freeing the mind from biases and irrational ideals. Well done.

Yea thanks! Check out my other post on my hostility paranoia. It seems I may be making a lot of these CBT posts in the near future.
 

Silvox Black

Well-known member
I had no idea that this was a political debate. I'm not a feminist and I was not spouting feminist beliefs. I can make up my own mind and I don't need a group of men-haters (or anyone else) telling me how to feel about rape or anything else for that matter. How could I be a feminist? I have a hard time trusting most women and feminism is largely about sisterhood (at least this is what they would like to believe) This doesn't mean that I should be uncomfortable. Some women will give me a hard time and others won't. Some men will give me a hard time and some won't. Shit happens.

Not to mention I don't exactly agree with feminist ideals. And no, I'm not saying this to cater to men who dislike feminism. (One doesn't have to be a feminist to be anti-rape)

I know that there are plenty of great women out there. I've met plenty of them over the past two years. Two of these women are now good friends of mine. They've been there and helped me whenever I needed support. They continue to build me up and encourage me. Why should I resent women after I've been shown so much love? And who cares about those who will not show me love? I have plenty of it. I want people to know that there are women and men out there like this. Two years ago, I would have never thought this was possible, but it is!

Pardon me madam, but may I suggest you read Phobologist's earlier post saying that he has begun to realize he has erred? Perhaps that will calm your anger.
 

Silvox Black

Well-known member
May I suggest that you do not assume things which you know nothing about?Do you know me to be able to assume that I was angry? Well, you probably don't realize that Phobologist and I have already dealt with this problem on our own. We're both adults and do not need a mediator. I merely replied to his post. At no point was I hostile. Furthermore, I was not replying out of anger. Please refrain from making assumptions about me when you know nothing about me. I speak my mind and that may not make me popular but you don't have to be my friend and you don't have to like me. Even if I had replied out of anger? Why would it be inappropriate of me to reply in anger? You seemed to be very understanding when Phobologist ranted at me. (If you're reading this Phob, I'm not attacking you. You know I'm over it. I'm just asking the man a question)

Agh, your anger is well justified then. My apologies if I came off as condescending in my previous comment. I was merely inquiring as to what you were doing is all. My apologies if it seemed that I had assumed, but I was not aware of how serious this matter was and how was I to know without an outside source informing me? Again, you may be as wrathful with me as you wish, I truly apologize for not making my intentions in my previous comment clear.
 
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