I feel so offended and misunderstood by this...

[HeadFace]

You know, it'll make it easier for all of us if I just post the conversation:
Basically the setting was that I was supposed to hang out with her (girl I'm talking to) and our other close friend. I was okay with that, because I'm comfortable being myself around both of them. But then one of them invited some more people and... Vuala. This conversation.
Part 1
Part2
I dont know. I feel completely offended because of it. And sad. That I'm being put down once again, for being a shy/quiet guy. For having Social Phobia and anxiety - more specifically.
Basically the setting was that I was supposed to hang out with her (girl I'm talking to) and our other close friend. I was okay with that, because I'm comfortable being myself around both of them. But then one of them invited some more people and... Vuala. This conversation.

 

[kihira]

I think you made your point well, it was just an awkward conversation made more awkward by being in chat. I wouldn't worry too much, the other person obviously doesn't understand what you go through but this may get them thinking more; it could end up all ok :]

 

[sullyS25]

I know how you feel man and it is a difficult situation but my experience with things like this is that people that dont experience social phobia/social anxiety do not understand what it is like. Making it a part of the conversation definitely makes things more awkward and ends in things like that and I am sorry that is the way things are but unfortunately it is.

There is nothing wrong with being the shy guy. It took me a while to realize that. Where problems come in is when I am insecure about being the shy guy and make it evident, I.E apologizing for having social anxiety.

I hate to be the guy to agree with what was said but if you dont face situations with people you are uncomfortable around you will never change and always be uncomfortable. I know first hand how hard it can be but today if I am in a situation like that i will be alright with the other people coming along and make myself deal with it. I have grown immensely by practicing that. That is just me though

 

[HeadFace]

I know how you feel man and it is a difficult situation but my experience with things like this is that people that dont experience social phobia/social anxiety do not understand what it is like. Making it a part of the conversation definitely makes things more awkward and ends in things like that and I am sorry that is the way things are but unfortunately it is.

There is nothing wrong with being the shy guy. It took me a while to realize that. Where problems come in is when I am insecure about being the shy guy and make it evident, I.E apologizing for having social anxiety.

I hate to be the guy to agree with what was said but if you dont face situations with people you are uncomfortable around you will never change and always be uncomfortable. I know first hand how hard it can be but today if I am in a situation like that i will be alright with the other people coming along and make myself deal with it. I have grown immensely by practicing that. That is just me though

Yeah... But the sad part is that she is shy herself. I guess not shy enough to have SA or SP. So I thought she would understand.

Anyway yes... I've tried it. It's hard for me. Whenever I'm in groups I try hard but end up failing awkwardly and very hard.

 

[sullyS25]

Well I dunno what to tell you man it just sounds like you have given up and surrendered. I know how it feels but growth requires work and feeling uncomfortable. The pay off is worth it though.

 

[HeadFace]

Well I dunno what to tell you man it just sounds like you have given up and surrendered. I know how it feels but growth requires work and feeling uncomfortable. The pay off is worth it though.

Given up? More like accepted life.
And elaborate on the part about growth, work, and being uncomfortable? Sorry.

 

[sullyS25]

Well obviously you want to change or grow and be more comfortable in social situations. In order to do that you will eventually need to hang around in groups and do things that make you uncomfortable. Eventually you wont feel like you "failed awkwardly". When you felt that way before you probably did not. I believe the psychology field refers to that kind of thinking (that you failed awkwardly) as a cognitive distortion.

I think if you have truly accepted things then you would put yourself out there and hang around in groups when you dont feel comfortable. By drawing on past experiences with hanging around groups and avoiding them today because of those past experiences I see that as giving up.

I know exactly how you feel man, I used to sit alone in my parents basement and get drunk by myself because i thought I was awkward around other people i didnt know well. Eventually that led to me abusing painkillers and smoking heroin. I had given up and used social anxiety as a reason to isolate myself and use my body as a receptacle for drugs and alcohol. Since I have gotten sober I have realized that I need to make myself to things that make me anxious like speaking at AA meetings and talking to strangers. Since I have done that my social anxiety has improved.

I am not trying to be a D*ck I am just telling you how i see the situation and trying to help. Sorry if you see me as coming off as a douche.

 

[HeadFace]

Well obviously you want to change or grow and be more comfortable in social situations. In order to do that you will eventually need to hang around in groups and do things that make you uncomfortable. Eventually you wont feel like you "failed awkwardly". When you felt that way before you probably did not. I believe the psychology field refers to that kind of thinking (that you failed awkwardly) as a cognitive distortion.

I think if you have truly accepted things then you would put yourself out there and hang around in groups when you dont feel comfortable. By drawing on past experiences with hanging around groups and avoiding them today because of those past experiences I see that as giving up.

I know exactly how you feel man, I used to sit alone in my parents basement and get drunk by myself because i thought I was awkward around other people i didnt know well. Eventually that led to me abusing painkillers and smoking heroin. I had given up and used social anxiety as a reason to isolate myself and use my body as a receptacle for drugs and alcohol. Since I have gotten sober I have realized that I need to make myself to things that make me anxious like speaking at AA meetings and talking to strangers. Since I have done that my social anxiety has improved.

I am not trying to be a D*ck I am just telling you how i see the situation and trying to help. Sorry if you see me as coming off as a douche.

You arent coming off as anything bad... I just meant that I've accepted my disorders and that I am in fact socially awkward.
Rather than "growing" comfortable I choose the contrary. I really would rather just avoid everyone. I know it sounds rather... Outcast-like. But it's what I'd prefer. I'm only comfortable with a select few. I'm extremely picky with who I let in. And I have good reasons.
I'm glad that you've improved, and it's very good that you're more happy with life now. And I feel kind of like a hypocrite saying this but... I wasnt asking for advice on how to fix myself. I do understand a bit more, and will consider "going out more".
The reason I'm not "outgoing" or "social" is because of the people. I don't like them. Not society in general, of course. I mean the people that are invited along side me.

But anyway... Its just the fact that she straight up suggested that I dont come at all. I thought she was more sensible than that.

 

[sullyS25]

Alright well enjoy that

 

[kidsmoke]

"i like dont know when to talk cuz everyone else is and i get flushed out and then HEY WHY DONT YOU TALK" argh, its always just like that for me too, at least it used to be when id hang in groups. i dont bother anymore, i feel more comfortable staying clear of them and i dont think forcing yourself into group situations where you dont feel comfortable is necessarily going to make you "grow" into feeling comfortable... i had a group of friends when i was in high school and even after 5 years i never grew into feeling comfortable with them, obviously this is just the way i am and ive accepted it too. i don't think you should be too hard on your friend, suggesting you not come would have been hurtful but she probably just didnt know what else to say.. i dont think people without sa really understand..

 

[twiggle]

She obviously doesn't understand the severity of your situation - but now that you've told her a little about it, you should speak more in person about it so that she does grow to understand.
You've decided that you want to close yourself off and that's cool - we all have different ways of trying to combat SA - but be careful, because unless your friend fully understands how you are then she might begin to get offended and feel like you just don't want to be there with them. Perhaps that's why she made the comment about you not having to go.
So - explain in full, otherwise it'll just turn into a vicious circle of one another feeling rejected.

 

[Agon]

The exact same thing happened to me once. :| I swear, I was so pissed when I suddenly found a bunch of people tagging along in what was supposed to be a small group going out to the mall.

My friend didn't understand either. She even looked hard at me for a second because I was "being so picky". So I just went "what the hell" and went with the horde of people. And then, guess what happened? I was left alone. I was the one who instigated the whole thing, and in the end I was left alone - yet again.

SO. Yes. I think it's perfectly okay to feel offended.

We have social phobia. Nobody understands us, but us.

P.S. I don't mean to be nosy, but are you planning on continuing to be friends with her?

 

[Remus]

I think she was pretty cool about it, not everyone has a PHD in psychology, they can only understand so much.

 

[LonelyWonders]

Without reading any other comments to this I will say. I think you should have done it, but I understand why you didn't. AND I understand why you'd be offended.. I don't know if she meant to but how she said those things really wasn't good.... not at all... and ya she should be atleast A LITTLE understanding if she's suppose to be your good friend.. Honestly..

 

[Dronee]

I think she was pretty cool about it, not everyone has a PHD in psychology, they can only understand so much.

Yup... I've got to agree with this.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

There is nothing wrong with being the shy guy. It took me a while to realize that. Where problems come in is when I am insecure about being the shy guy and make it evident, I.E apologizing for having social anxiety.

I agree with that. I get the "you don't talk much do you?" ALL the time too and yes it's annoying and it sort of hurts everytime someone throw that in my face, but I think we have to understand it is not meant to offend us, it is just a remark - they are sort of trying to understand WHY we don't talk. I think.

The reason I'm not "outgoing" or "social" is because of the people. I don't like them.

I used to think this way and then I realized I was lying to myself.

I think she was pretty cool about it, not everyone has a PHD in psychology, they can only understand so much.

I very much agree with that.

 

[sullyS25]

I used to think this way and then I realized I was lying to myself.

I used to think that way myself and I also realized I was lying to myself. It was so much easier to blame things on other people and never take responsibility. "I dont ever hang around with those people because I dont like them". The truth was I didnt like myself and I projected those feelings onto the people I claimed to not like.

 

[twiggle]

I used to think that way myself and I also realized I was lying to myself. It was so much easier to blame things on other people and never take responsibility. "I dont ever hang around with those people because I dont like them". The truth was I didnt like myself and I projected those feelings onto the people I claimed to not like.

Spot-on. That's what I've realised about myself lately too. Often I just dismiss other people, like I don't like them, when really, I just don't like how insecure and inferior I feel next to them.
Its all about learning to like yourself. If you're happy with yourself then other people won't bother you.
I have to say sullyS25 I think you speak a lot of sense on this forum, I always like your posts

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I don't think she's putting you down. I certainly didn't get that from the conversation you linked to. She wants you to come to this thing. She also wants these other people to come too, and because she doesn't understand how that situation can make an SA sufferer feel, she probably got a little frustrated. That's understandable, because it is hard for people who don't have SA to understand it. To them, large groups of people getting together is a fun thing rather than something to fear, and even though you say she is a little shy herself, that isn't the same as full blown SA.

I think you explained yourself well, but it might be easier to expand on that with her in person at some point in the future. I really don't think you should be offended though. She obviously wants you to be there and values your company.

 

[EscapeArtist]

I used to think that way myself and I also realized I was lying to myself. It was so much easier to blame things on other people and never take responsibility. "I dont ever hang around with those people because I dont like them". The truth was I didnt like myself and I projected those feelings onto the people I claimed to not like.

Yes exactly.
I like what you said about it being okay to be the 'shy guy'. It really isn't all that bad in comparison to severe isolation. The two can't even be compared