I Don't Want To Be Your Friend I Just Want To Be Your Lover!

[Apersonalan]

Sometimes because I don't have a relationship and I'm always lonely all the time I think to myself wouldn't it be easier if I was just gay and my friend was gay? I mean I wouldn't have to introduce myself because we already know each other and we know each others personalities real well too.

In 1997 I was massaging his back and he took off his shirt when he slept over, wasn't sexual it was just cause he massaged mine and I was a real ocd pleaser then. I could see how pale his skin was to the point where I could see his blue veins and I think back to myself am I aroused by this?
My friend also once had blonde yellow hair and glasses (the truth, believe it or not) and I think to myself what if I could go back in time to those moments I see in his photos and we could be together and I wouldn't be too late or unlucky finally.

Sometimes I think all those moments we had together were just sexual and I'm in denial lol... wtf??

I don't think it was sexual but now I think it's true love.

Ocd is ruining my only friend ::

 

[emre43]

At the moment I don't want a lover I just want a friend (man or woman).

 

[MikeyC]

It doesn't sound like you were aroused by any of that, but you were testing your curiosity, which I think is natural.

Regarding the thread title, there are some girls where I would like to be the lover instead of the friend, but the friend is the next best thing.

 

[Apersonalan]

At the moment I don't want a lover I just want a friend (man or woman).

I know what you mean but for the past 2 years I've been so close to having a normal life I can't believe how unlucky I am like a series of unfortunate events you wouldn't believe even if I explained each in full detail.

In truth the last time I saw him was August 2002 I could feel there was something in the air like everyone else my age was having the time of their lives and he rang me up after a year to let me in on a piece of it. We drove to Shellharbour beach around midnight the weather was hot with a cool breeze he owed me 20 bucks so he made up for it with some skins and bag of green really worth more. I had a great August for the first time in a while because we would always ride out late and he had left uni so we could more. There was something about Shellharbour when we would go it was like this end of the world feeling.

Stoned he had a heated debate with me after some silly's the thing was about what was the most saddest thing that happened while you where at hs, we were separated and ended up in diff ones. He told me the true story of this popular kid but was really nice and everyone liked who had broken up with his gf he thought what they had was real but she was just using him and wanted to make a scene when they broke up for just popularity points. I guess he made a bigger scene when he went into the boys toilets straight after devastated and shot himself dead I remember it even made the news. For some reason when I heard this I was so pissed at him like who cares! because I couldn't understand it and knew it would never happen to me.

My story was less blue and more fact it was about this kid people had named penguin not knowing his real name. He was short and really skinny and would walk like he had a limp, he died from an asthma attack on the football field as the coach made him do the run around and denied him his inhaler after he begged. This represents a lot to me about what I imagined I went thru and even wanted for some strange reason but my friend didn't seem to care, I never saw it his way then I knew he had a gf and would always tell me how they were having sex, I guess people will only relate to themselves. But now I see it differently I came so close to being with an actual girl I REALLY like I would tell her often and online how much I loved her and how much I would do for her but eventually I realized she wasn't invested as deep and emotionally like I was, I was absolutely heartbroken when I found out because she meant the planet to me.

So I can relate in someway to it now, I still think my story was worse especially since my story didn't even make the news, typical happy-sadness entertainment sells but not full reta... well you know.

But ever since I've been trying to fill the void of having a companionship more than a friend.