I don't know who I am.

[Queen_Regnant]

I don't know who I am anymore, or if I ever did. I feel like an empty shell lately. I feel like a fake. I force myself to smile and be friendly all the time, I force myself to be cheerful. I don't want to burden anyone by being sad. It makes things awkward to have to associate with someone who isn't happy when they aren't your friend.

I don't have any real friends - Only acquaintances. I don't know how to make friends. I'm anti social, but when I do allow myself to let someone in just a smidgen, I become attached.. But yet I still don't know how to open up to anyone emotionally. I feel they're only using me and that they are only going to stay as long as I keep giving them a reason to, so I do. I spoil them in whatever ways I can, usually materialistically and/or sexually. I like to think that I'm a good person because I would do literally anything for someone if they are in need but I can't help but wonder, am I only doing it because I'm lonely?

I'm pretty to look at and I'll buy you things.. but I don't have any outstanding talents. I'm not very smart either. I'm not interesting. I don't drink or do drugs or watch TV or do anything that people can relate with it seems. Once they start to realize that I'm just a lonely walking shell, they disappear and I can't blame them.

I avoid things that people tend to have big opinions over, such as politics. I don't want my voice to be heard anymore, because it seems in the past I was always ridiculed or ignored entirely for them. I let myself remain ignorant so that I don't have to face rejection of my actual feelings.

This last year or so, I've felt that I've loved myself in the end. Even if I was alone, I still enjoyed who I was.. but now I don't know what exactly I love because I don't see anything that is there. I'm a ***** who keeps people away, because I'm to scared to let anyone know who I am.. because I don't think I am anyone anymore.

 

[arjuna]

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle x1000. I think I should change my username to it to save typing time.

 

[NamiraWilhelm]

You really ought to work on your self-worth. You clearly don't believe yourself worth knowing, you sound like a good person but you do too much for others in order for them to like you, so you're compromising yourself there. You don't speak up in debates because you don't think your opinions are valid.

Have you ever looked into self-compassion? That might help you develop a sense of self worth and love. That should probably be your first step, looking after yourself, before you put yourself out there to increase your social circle. You need to be your own friend first.
Though I know you are looking after yourself physically, and that's a great start Next, emotionally!

 

[Graeme1988]

I don't know who I am anymore, or if I ever did. I feel like an empty shell lately. I feel like a fake. I force myself to smile and be friendly all the time, I force myself to be cheerful. I don't want to burden anyone by being sad. It makes things awkward to have to associate with someone who isn't happy when they aren't your friend.

I don't have any real friends - Only acquaintances. I don't know how to make friends. I'm anti social, but when I do allow myself to let someone in just a smidgen, I become attached.. But yet I still don't know how to open up to anyone emotionally. I feel they're only using me and that they are only going to stay as long as I keep giving them a reason to, so I do. I spoil them in whatever ways I can, usually materialistically and/or sexually. I like to think that I'm a good person because I would do literally anything for someone if they are in need but I can't help but wonder, am I only doing it because I'm lonely?

I'm pretty to look at and I'll buy you things.. but I don't have any outstanding talents. I'm not very smart either. I'm not interesting. I don't drink or do drugs or watch TV or do anything that people can relate with it seems. Once they start to realize that I'm just a lonely walking shell, they disappear and I can't blame them.

I avoid things that people tend to have big opinions over, such as politics. I don't want my voice to be heard anymore, because it seems in the past I was always ridiculed or ignored entirely for them. I let myself remain ignorant so that I don't have to face rejection of my actual feelings.

This last year or so, I've felt that I've loved myself in the end. Even if I was alone, I still enjoyed who I was.. but now I don't know what exactly I love because I don't see anything that is there. I'm a ***** who keeps people away, because I'm to scared to let anyone know who I am.. because I don't think I am anyone anymore.

You sound exactly like me. Ah don't know ah um, either. Ah'm no' that smart, talent or interestin' either.

But ah must say, Queen, if ye huv yin outstanding talent, ah say - judgin' by yer recent thread about writing - you actually good writer. Might no' be an outstanding talent but it's a talent nonetheless.

 

[Xervello]

This last year or so, I've felt that I've loved myself in the end. Even if I was alone, I still enjoyed who I was.. but now I don't know what exactly I love because I don't see anything that is there. I'm a ***** who keeps people away, because I'm to scared to let anyone know who I am.. because I don't think I am anyone anymore.

I can relate to that. Ultimately, no matter how self-confident or self-fulfilled one is able to be on their own, a person needs sOme validation, acknowledgement, intimacy with another person just to feel like a flesh and blood human being. I've spent some twenty years using every trick I know to sustain my sanity and keep a modest optimism towards life. In my 20's I behaved almost exactly as you described towards others (minus the sex) and it was mentally draining. To the point that I stopped trying. I think the only thing one can do is to just grind it out socially and keep trying as you have before. It sucks that people have used you and left. Perhaps the next relationship you could be more upfront about what you want. Communicate your needs better. I realize doing so risks scaring the person off, but if they're the kind of person who would be scared off by that, they're hardly worth spending so much energy on, don'tcha think? I hope this forum and the people here help some in allowing you to express yourself more. Despite what you said, you seem like an intelligent, articulate and interesting person to me. I'm sure everyone here and elsewhere thinks the same, as well.

 

[AtTheGates]

you're not alone in that. ALOT of people mainly just work and watch TV shows, netflix, and current events...thats usually all they have time for except on weekends and the occasional vacation ....really if you just started watching more TV you'd have so many things to talk about with people...theres a million ways to open up to people emotionally in a metaphorical way by talking about characters and situations on TV shows and movies...you can allude to something you relate to emotionally without having to appear completely vulnerable (like how the main character in The Count of Monte Cristo is a really nice/good person but gets used by Napoleon and betrayed by his freind)...anyway, I dont think i'd have much of a personality either if I didnt watch TV and movies...it could really be a big problem solver in your life.

...also,if you're too nice to someone who uses you then that just opens the door for them to use you up completely and maybe even manipulate you over it....maybe you're being too nice to the wrong people...some people NEED to be kept away.There's nothing wrong with keeping certain kinds of people away. im extremely picky with the kinds of people I would allow to be involved in my life (if I actually socialized more often)

 

[Queen_Regnant]

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle x1000. I think I should change my username to it to save typing time.

Bought it. I'll likely start reading it today or tomorrow and will let you know how it goes.

 

[Queen_Regnant]

I can relate to that. Ultimately, no matter how self-confident or self-fulfilled one is able to be on their own, a person needs sOme validation, acknowledgement, intimacy with another person just to feel like a flesh and blood human being. I've spent some twenty years using every trick I know to sustain my sanity and keep a modest optimism towards life. In my 20's I behaved almost exactly as you described towards others (minus the sex) and it was mentally draining. To the point that I stopped trying. I think the only thing one can do is to just grind it out socially and keep trying as you have before. It sucks that people have used you and left. Perhaps the next relationship you could be more upfront about what you want. Communicate your needs better. I realize doing so risks scaring the person off, but if they're the kind of person who would be scared off by that, they're hardly worth spending so much energy on, don'tcha think? I hope this forum and the people here help some in allowing you to express yourself more. Despite what you said, you seem like an intelligent, articulate and interesting person to me. I'm sure everyone here and elsewhere thinks the same, as well.

I don't think I'll ever let myself give up, because I know that when I do, I'll become someone I would absolutely loathe. Luckily I'm not quite on that level yet. I believe another issue is the area I live in; It's very limited in the type of people. The town population is literally about 700. There aren't many people who I relate to or share common interests with. I know plenty of people online, naturally, but in person it's completely different. I'm an outcast in the town where I've grown up.

I've tried to keep company that I enjoy/connected with, but that equaled no company. It's just very frustrating.

 

[Queen_Regnant]

you're not alone in that. ALOT of people mainly just work and watch TV shows, netflix, and current events...thats usually all they have time for except on weekends and the occasional vacation ....really if you just started watching more TV you'd have so many things to talk about with people...theres a million ways to open up to people emotionally in a metaphorical way by talking about characters and situations on TV shows and movies...you can allude to something you relate to emotionally without having to appear completely vulnerable (like how the main character in The Count of Monte Cristo is a really nice/good person but gets used by Napoleon and betrayed by his freind)...anyway, I dont think i'd have much of a personality either if I didnt watch TV and movies...it could really be a big problem solver in your life.

...also,if you're too nice to someone who uses you then that just opens the door for them to use you up completely and maybe even manipulate you over it....maybe you're being too nice to the wrong people...some people NEED to be kept away.There's nothing wrong with keeping certain kinds of people away. im extremely picky with the kinds of people I would allow to be involved in my life (if I actually socialized more often)

TV gives me horrible panic attacks to the point where I throw up. The only things I am able to watch are certain animes and comedy. It kinda limits my options, especially since no one in this area enjoys the first.. and the second, you can only get so far in topic with.

 

[Queen_Regnant]

An issue I have is I hate feeling dumb, which I frequently do when I try to engage in conversations. If I don't know a lot about something, then I feel it's just not my place to say anything about it because wtf would I know? People are extremely condescending and it's a huge blow to my fragile ego. I've tried reading up on things and educating myself, but I have a lot of trouble retaining information.. especially things that don't particularly interest me.

 

[bsammy]

yeah u will never be able to buy a persons friendship..that might have them come around more often but for the wrong reason, they want more gifts or to use you..stop buying people gifts and start talking to them more..it is draining and the results will be mixed but what else can you do?

in order for a friendship to work, you must have a few things in common whether they are tv shows or sports..then a connection occurs and ask them to hang out..what do you like to do socially?this is my biggest weakness as i dont like going out much at all anymore..most people enjoy going out to eat or shopping..i dont know, this area between meeting a person and becoming more than an acquaintance is very strange and hard for me as everything i like to do is solitary so im of no help here..

 

[S_Spartan]

I will say this, people who have a very strong identity. People who have some kind of a niche socially do seem to do better socially.
I think it's because people can understand them better. You know, put them in a category.
Sometimes I wonder if a major component of sa is the person doesn't know exactly who they are and therefore the can't be understood well by the outside world.

 

[arjuna]

Bought it. I'll likely start reading it today or tomorrow and will let you know how it goes.

I'm glad for you you have. I have read thousands of books and that has been the most influential. If everyone read that book, sites like this one would be obsolete. It has more truth in it than the Bible, Koran and Torah put together.