I don't belong. Who the hell am I? (rant)

[CosmicNeurotica]

I'm about to be 30 in just 30 days, and I don't have anything to be proud of. I have nothing. I've never belonged. It seems everyone I meet is this or that, but never this and that. I like this and that and what's new around the corner.
Give me hardcore. I'll go to a rave. A headbanging Meshuggah concert. But I'm not that person. I'm a softie who likes cats and long walks on beaches. I like them both though. But I can't let myself out. I'm stuck here, alone, where no one can respect me because I hate myself and what I've become.

I love who I am, but I hate that no one will ever know who I am, and that my potential in life has been busted by this... whatever it is. Inability to communicate, inability to talk and put together the inner workings of what makes a human relationship. Because you can't just say "hey, I'm Kevin, I like wicked dubstep and metal and long walks on beaches and astronomy and I need help. Want to be my friend?"

I don't even have a car. A job. A friend. How the hell am I supposed to live like this? I need love man.
And I know, it's the same story with me all the time here, but I don't know what to say about that. I think it always will be.
What we need here is a hologram. We need the future to be right now.
My mind is weird. Because I'm stuck in the past, but the future makes me euphoric. It's the present I like to think doesn't exist, because that's who I am now.
I like the potential I was, the fantasy I lived in, and the dream of the future with all of its tech and euphoric blasting dubstep and flying vehicles that I can take to space.

I hate this life. I don't wanna be here. I'm better than this pathetic piece of **** I see myself as, and there's nothing I can do about it.

http://soundcloud.com/liquid-stranger-dubstep/liquid-stranger-mechanoid-mixdown?utm_source=soundcloud&utm_campaign=share&utm_medium=facebook&utm_content=http%3A%2F%2Fsoundcloud.com%2Fliquid-stranger-dubstep%2Fliquid-stranger-mechanoid-mixdown

 

[scoobycrawler]

you are who you believe you are

 

[bsebring]

"My mind is weird. Because I'm stuck in the past, but the future makes me euphoric. It's the present I like to think doesn't exist, because that's who I am now."

This literally made me start crying. I feel so disconnected to reality, even if love hit me in the face I wouldnt know what to do with it.

 

[planemo]

Your post really reminded me of myself. I feel like a nothing person, a nobody. It's basically a sense or feeling of emptiness that I somehow don't quite fit in with the rest of the flock. I feel alienated in my mind when I'm surrounded by the rest, but I know that when I'm alone, I'm nothing more than someone who doesn't really want to be here, or more to the point, doesn't know what to be while here.

I have no achievements to bring up in my thoughts, which would probably provide me with a sense of inner value. I look at my past and all I see is failure, one after the other, with the common thread of me being a softie, a poor excuse for a man.

I just turned 26, I feel old and like a failure. There's something missing in me, something "wrong" with me, but I can't figure out what it is and if it has a name. In truth I have no ambition, I think I lack the normal behaviours of other humans, like selfishness and being single minded. I feel like I don't really have an inner being who is capable of being seemingly like everyone else. I don't want things, I don't want control of people or possessions. I'm not sure what I want, or if I want anything at all.

This literally made me start crying. I feel so disconnected to reality, even if love hit me in the face I wouldnt know what to do with it.

Yes I feel that way too. I know there is someone who cares for me out there, but I don't know how to care back, so I just act as if I'm not liked at all.

I hate this life. I don't wanna be here. I'm better than this pathetic piece of **** I see myself as, and there's nothing I can do about it.

I feel this way too, but hang in there man. At least you're not alone. I wish I could tell you that so and so will help you, but I know of no answer to this conundrum. All I can say is that you shouldn't defeat yourself. Maybe just maybe something will come around and be the missing piece that you need.

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

First I want to say thank you everyone so much for the responses.
I just drank a few bottles, pretty drunk, but I just had a another rant that really pisses me off right now.
I've been chatting in suicideforum.com.
I haven't been disruptive, I haven't been sexual, all I did was state my opinion and I get banned. In fact I said they don't care about us if we kill ourselves, the mods there only care about winning.
I got booted. From a ****ing suicide forum. From a place to talk because I want to kill myself. They booted me as in saying "good luck goodbye **** you kill yourself".
Wow.
**** you, you know that. **** you.
I mean really. **** you and **** you for doing that. **** YOU. YOu want me to kill myself really? Well too bad. I'm staying alive so I can **** you over and be someone.

**** man. I hate *******s like that. I reallly ****ing that site.
You know what, I love you guys. I love this site, and I love you all. Because this site doesn't judge. The mods here understand, and I thank them for that.
I want to cry right now because... well I don't know. Because I'm drunk and because I miss my friends, and because I miss life. I love you and I'm about to break down right now.

Thank you for your replies. I will reply later to you personally, I promise.

 

[mwas]

There is always something you can do about that...try alot of cognitive behavioral therapy, It has yielded alot of success for me. Also, there is this "Bach Rescue Remedy" it has worked wonders for me, check it out in your local parmacy, combine it with CBT.

 

[mwas]

Please do not despair...your words are bringing me almost to tears....the loneliness, like you are almost suffocating from the weirdness in the head. Man, like you, I have experinced the worst of it all. Luckly the faint energy to keep fighting was still there. I looked for answers everywhere and Iam glad to note that today I am a free man. All I can tell you is to always keep your head above the water even during lowest moments...do thorough research and look for ways around it. Where there is a will, there is a way.

 

[Phoenixx]

First, you are who you are and you shouldn't be ashamed of that. You shouldn't be ashamed of your interests either. Heck, I love long walks on the beach and cats too, as well as some headbanging metal. :: Also, there's always something you can do about it. Like the others said, try CBT. I've always wanted to try it, but I doubt my parents would ever understand my SA and would never take me to have it done. Just hang in there and keep fighting.

 

[Sial Axetder]

I don't know who am I either. When I do know, what good will it do?

Life is meaningless. So don't worry too much just enjoy it. Yes, might be rather difficult to enjoy. That, unfortunately, is the extent of the aid I can offer here.

Phoenixx, right, you are who you are. Even if you don't know who are you.

 

[Feathers]

Shuggah,

There was a thread about the 3-0h crisis around here recently, read it!!
Everybody - or at least MANY people get some kind of crisis - some around 25 already, some in their 40s or later... or some every 5 years.. /Even people who get married or 'have it all', some quit jobs and go meditate to Nepal etc./

There's a suicide forum? OoO very weird... It's probably safer and healthier to talk here anyway!!
I was very miserable and suicidal at around 16, I'm glad I didn't do it cause I had soo much fun later on!! met new people, etc.

Some people never have cars. I know a very cool University professor who never had one. Just lived in cities with good public transport. It's more environmentally friendly anyway!! There are too many cars on this planet as it is!! It's good to have a driving license 'just in case', and sometimes you can car share anyway!! (A used car is a good idea environmentally too, and cost-wise, just try to find one that doesn't guzzle up too much gas!)

You have friends here.

As for a job, many people today don't have jobs, it's the bloody recession!! And economical/environmental crisis.... 100 years ago, almost no one had jobs around here, and they were all pretty happy anyway.. They worked in the field, on farms.. They were hungry sometimes and it was hard work, some of it, but older people also say it was a lot of fun, people worked together and weren't so lonely as in today's society... So part of it is just the society, and it's not your fault. There are things we all can work on, to make this world - and the society we live in - a better place...

You can still do meaningful and interesting things, even if you don't have a job... You can volunteer, or go for a walk in the park... Walking/hiking works wonders against depression and miserable feelings too... You can even create your own job, start a biz or non-profit, or join existing ones.. Maybe you can at least get an allotment and grow your own veggies (and maybe meet some cute gardeners on the way?? )

Methinks you might also be what Barbara Sher calls a 'scanner' maybe? Read 'Refuse to Choose' and see if it makes sense?

Phoenixx, if you don't have access to CBT right now, have you read 'The Feeling Good Handbook' by Dr David Burns? Very good introduction to CBT!

 

[Sial Axetder]

A scanner? Huh, Interesting.

 

[Feathers]

^ Ha ha, yup. Scanner = a person who will always 'scan' the horizon for something new and interesting... 'Renaissance Soul' or 'Jack of All/Many Trades'... many times... In old days, many people were... (Leonardo daVinci or Goethe or Benjamin Franklin etc.)
There's a lot of stuff online and she has a forum too..
And here's a blog by another Scanner: Scanner Tribe

 

[Hastings & Main]

Hey TS - hope you don't take this as me saying you're unoriginal, but I could have wrote your orig. post, and probably have lots of times in many ways in my writing (sitting in a box or hard drive somewhere). I have ten years on you and am equally at home in a pit or dressed up fancy at a burlesque show, or any of a thousand other things.
I get where you're at with the frustration of wanting people who just see one shade of you when there's actually a f***in' paint store exploding in their face, if that makes any sense.

As for this - "Because you can't just say "hey, I'm Kevin, I like wicked dubstep and metal and long walks on beaches and astronomy and I need help. Want to be my friend?" - why not!?
I was once thinking of making a t-shirt that said the same things (along those lines, different tastes sorta) and a lot more, just so I could meet that freaky girl who would be into all the same things, and trust me they're out there. Or at least here in Van. Still haven't gotten around to it, tho'.
I've got a tiki bar in my apartment, and across from that is a 6-foot coffin I built with shelves in it to showcase a bunch of death-related objects and goth stuff, and an LP collection of at least 6,000 records with everything from punk to Hawaiian music, and 45,000 more tracks on my HD with even more weird **** only a handful of others are into for the most part. (here's my entire collection right here just to show you how screwed up I am: Profile: vonFrankenstein - Rate Your Music
Since we can't talk, we need other avenues of immediate expression. I dress pretty plainly because it's hard to have an outfit that showcases anarcho-punk, 50's jazz, 1920's fashion, two-tone ska, hip-hop, death metal, 1940's fashion, goth, 80's hardcore and rockabilly all at the same time. I walk around like a ghost.
Greg Graffin gave it a name some years back - the Confederacy of the Wrong.

And a favorite line from hip-hop that made a connection - "the loneliness of being misunderstood..."

Agree w/Feathers on the "30" thread. It passes.
And like you I'm a few drinks in...

 

[emerald_star733]

If it helps at all, i find your thread refreshing!
I can relate to how you feel.
I appear "normal" to the outside world but i am a freak inside and i also love it! There are so many aspects that many do not know about me that i keep within the depths of my mind and i think it is cool that you are different.
So cheers to all that makes you who you are. I am certain there will be others out there that can relate and are probably feeling similar right now.

 

[balloon]

I am usually overly-conscious of how I'm choosing to present myself in social situations. "Who do I want to be?" is the question that will come to mind. And then I work very hard to present that specific person...I struggle with whether that is how everyone is deep down, or do I have a "real me" deep inside that I'm just afraid to stay consistent with?

 

[CosmicNeurotica]

Thanks for the kind posts everyone.
It means a lot to me that you took time to respond with your opinion, and they are all very good.
I always hate myself for getting drunk and writing these topics. I can never read them over again because I hate that I am that person. I just wish my mind could work in a way so I'm not so afraid to present myself.
Actually, I like that idea of the shirt Hastings. Sounds like a neat idea.
It's not so much that I'm turning 30 I have a problem with. It's just a number. It's the fact that I can't seem to get anywhere in life and I'm stuck in this endless loop of absolute nothingness.
I don't even possess the skills to know how to be independent. If I was thrown out of this house tomorrow, I'd probably die within the week.
I used to be so desperate for a friend that I'd get drunk, take walks, and knock on random peoples door. Sometimes I'd drink a 40oz plus a few beers, then walk to the bar and act like a moron, even once going to a strangers house just for the hell of it.
That was 5 years ago though. I don't even try anymore now.
As you can see now I just get drunk and stay home on the computer.
I just don't know what to do.
I've been trying to see a doctor, but since I can't really talk in public, they're not much help. They just try to put me on meds which does nothing for me.
Am hoping right now just to get SSI benefits so I can work on fixing my life. Buy things to show my uniqueness, maybe some weights, and hopefully find a good doctor who can appoint me to some type of life coach, or some therapy, just some place to help me so I can work and make friends. That's all I really want.

I also want to thank this site. This is the only forum that I feel has people who actually care the way you guys do. I come here always being pathetic, acting like I know what I'm talking about when half the time I don't, but you're always still there to respond with your love. So thank you again.
I think I try to use comedy a lot to mask the hurt. It's just so much easier to pretend everything's ok and suffer alone.

 

[3lefts]

YouTube - Rocky Theme Tune

 

[shew0lf]

planemo,

it's like u read my mind COMPLETELY....

how's it going for u now?? does it ever get better?...