I can't beat it!!!

[simpsons2007]

I've been telling myself everyday for quite a few years (most of my life) that things will get better. But I know deep down that I'm just lying to myself and I don't believe it anymore. I don't think I will ever get better from SA.

Each year that goes past it keeps getting worse and worse. I have become almost completely withdrawn from the outside world and everyone around me. These days I struggle to get out two words when talking to someone. There hasn't been one single day that I feel this getting any better. For me SA is one battle that I can not defeat not matter how hard I try I just can't win.

Nothing I have tried has ever helped me one bit. Going to see my doctor every month or two doesn't help. I just can't talk about how I am doing/feeling so my doctor doesn't know whats really going on in my head. Medication has never worked (and I've tried quite a few) for me so the doctor stopped it.

Seeing a therapist/CPN has never worked as I couldn't talk about whats really going on in my head or how I'm feeling. I would sit in silence not knowing how to communicate properly. So my doctor decided to stop that. CBT never worked as I couldn't get my head around the way you have to change your thought process.

My doctor suggested maybe joining a group but at the moment thats a big NO. I can't cope being in a room with one person and having to talk them so being in a room with a group will be impossible to cope with. It just feels like there is nothing left that will help!

I know that I will never be able to do it by myself but I also know that I can't do it with the help from the professionals that I was getting or from anyone else.

I know I probably shouldn't say this but "I give up". What's the point in trying anymore to get better from SA? When I know I can't overcome it or find a way to control my SA. Everything I've tried to help me hasn't worked and I just fail at it. I'm at the point where I've given up on what else to try.

 

[coyote]

the thing i've been wrapping my brain around lately is the power of thinking in the present

the universe is only how we perceive it to be - now, in the present

if we continue to tell ourselves that, "things will get better,"

then change will always stay in the future - because that's where we are creating it

"things will get better"

our perception is that it WILL happen - not that it has already happened

so we need to change our perception of things

like, "I AM getting better!" - happening now

or perhaps....

"my life is acceptable and perfect the way it is" - now

"I am acceptable and perfect the way I am" - in the present

when we are able to change how we see the world

the world will change to meet our expectations

 

[BlaiseBLATES]

You can do this! You really, genuinely can!
Not even six months ago I felt exactly the same, I felt there was no hope left for me. There is always hope! Things will get better and although right now it seems they are getting worse it is just your mind trying to make you work harder for something worth it.
We are all here if you need to speak to somebody, its not the same as face to face, but its a start.
Recovery is always possible.

 

[Invisibleman]

I sometimes feel like that too. My confidence is like a rollcoaster,or maybe the stock market. Sometimes up,sometimes down.I feel like its going so well and then it drops,it goes up slightly,then drops again.

Ive been saying it will get better for years now, more so in recent memory but it feels the same. I can picture in my head perfectly going out and talking to girls and it brings a smile to my face and it brings my confidence up.
I then put it into action and it becomes an absolute trainwreck and my confidence plummets. I think what coyote says is very true,I need to start addressing the present.

 

[Amelie08]

Thats the most important thing that we should not to do at this point.. 'To give up'. i know it's hard, but if we let SA go by alone, its gonna take all the control, at least we can be comrade with it, yep? And we must try to mess with SA's mind, and its the way as 'coyote' said, i mean whenever it says 'All things are getting worse' to you, u say, 'No, it will get better, im trying and i will do it!'.. Well, all what im saying, seems so abstract..i mean just think positive and whenever u feel bad, in depression, at that time just start doing things what makes you happy.Go for a walk,watch the environment, birds, sky, trees.. And think about, how many people is like you, and struggle with this, just think ' you are not alone '

And i want to say one more thing, u wrote about that u couldnt express whats on your mind to therapist, when you feel so nervous, write 'what u feel,why u feel like this' on a paper and give it your therapist and maybe it could be more easy to explain ur feelings at that appointment by helping that.

-Btw sorry for my English-::

 

[theslowesthand]

I have a sort of "combo" approach.

During my childhood I often felt frustrated, pained, a bit depressed about it, and had very low self-worth, but i tried my best to focus myself on other things.
Probably in my early teens was when i "formally gave-up" on the social thing, finally realizing that's there was sth fundamentally "wrong" with how my brain operated in terms of people.
In my 20s, i think i reached a point of somewhat/grudging "acceptance" of it.
In my 30s, i think i have found true "acceptance" of it (?).

But i don't think i have ever stopped "trying" to overcome it, in spite of having "given up", but this "trying" took on a different form - it became more like accepting it, analysing it, reading bits'n'pieces about it, trying to stay more "true" to myself (ie operating from the place of dysfunction rather than pretending that i was or could be "normal"), and waiting. That sort of "trying", an easier, less stressful, going-with-flow kind of trying.
As time went by, i became less and less desiring/expectant (i was seldom demanding), and so this issue became less and less frustrating/infuriating/painful/etc. I just "went with the flow" (developed a lifestyle that completely distanced myself from practically all forms of socialising). So instead of fighting it, i "embraced" it, FULLY .. regarding it as "my destiny" or "who i am", focussing myself on my naturally-introverted interests, and developing/using my talents to a high degree.
I'm still open to the possibility, even though it now seems remote, of (sort of) overcoming it, but really now i'm only bothered with handling & improving/tweaking my SA/etc - and i'm barely even bothered about that nowadays, such is the level of "acceptance" of i've reached.

"my life is acceptable and perfect the way it is" - now
"I am acceptable and perfect the way I am" - in the present
when we are able to change how we see the world the world will change to meet our expectations

And to add a quote: "Only by acceptance can one move fowards past a barrier"

 

[LazyHermitCrab]

Do you have goals,etc.? Just ignore how you feel and do things that will help you get there.. like i can't imagine ever being comfortable either but you dont want to live with regret of hiding all the time.. memories that aren't great are better than none at all and of coarse good things would happen as well ;p

 

[Deus_Ex_Lemur]

the thing i've been wrapping my brain around lately is the power of thinking in the present

the universe is only how we perceive it to be - now, in the present

if we continue to tell ourselves that, "things will get better,"

then change will always stay in the future - because that's where we are creating it

"things will get better"

our perception is that it WILL happen - not that it has already happened

so we need to change our perception of things

like, "I AM getting better!" - happening now

or perhaps....

"my life is acceptable and perfect the way it is" - now

"I am acceptable and perfect the way I am" - in the present

when we are able to change how we see the world

the world will change to meet our expectations

What Coyote said. Everything. We empower ourselves. It's not what happens to us but our response to what happens that affects us. Emotions don't come first. It's all easier said than done, it's a process of a real shift in thinking and real work to apply and change that shift. I've had many hiccups and backward tumbles in my process coming to much of what you said Simpsons, the hopelessness can wage a strong battle. But we all have the power to rebound and keep going forward. Just have a little belief - IN YOURSELF, mate!

 

[ScaredToBreathe]

I know how you feel hun... My SA has been getting worse and I don't know how to make it better. It's so hard to talk to people and it's so frustrating. I was takin meds for it but they werent helping much. I started to feel a lot more anxious and so I got swtiched to a lower dose and it reduced my anxiety but I started getting depressed again so I just stopped altogether.

The best way I've found to deal with it is to just ignore it or try not to think about it and how it makes life suck and rolling in self-pity and all that. It does no good and just brings more negative thoughts. So I try and pretend I'm a normal person and choosing to be off in my own world. It sounds weird but that's the best way I can explain it. I mean I just do the things that make me happy and take my mind off of SA. I like to read and write and listen to music, just simple things, but it does make a difference and helps me cope with my SA. ::

 

[ChrystaR]

I know how you feel. When my SA was really severe and I hadn't told anyone about it, and was just hiding all the time, I didn't know what hell I was supposed to do. I just lived, went through the motions, because what else is there? I can't relate to medication not working. I feel medication is the biggest key to my success. But, I have had really complicated physical health issues the last four years, been to doctor after doctor and I haven't got a diagnosis or a solution of any kind. I feel just like I did then. What the hell am I supposed to do? I just want to put things off until I am better. But, I have been doing that for 8 years since my SA started. And honestly I can't give advice on how to think in the present and not the future. I prefer to think of things in the future, I spend a lot of time day dreaming about how well things can work for me when I am better. I am trying to fix myself but I am so stuck. Even though my meds help me, I still can't imagine myself getting a job and becoming a productive adult. But, I don't have a choice and will have to face a lot of hard stuff soon that I can't run away from anymore.

The only advice I can give you, is like someone said, see if you can work a deal with your doctor that you can write your feelings down. Maybe try a medication again. Other than that I don't know. But know that I feel just like you. I go through phases of being really upset because I am not better. When will I ever be better?! But I try and focus on the good things I do have. But in a way, that is almost like hiding to me, thinking of the good things and shoving the **** under the rug... it's only going to fly right back in my face soon.

 

[simpsons2007]

I just want to say thank you to all that replied. I didn't expect to get so many replies if any.

I have tried writing things down on paper to give to doctor. I can only get so much written down. I can't go into enough detail for my doctor to get a clear picture of what's going on. I don't have the intelligence to truly express how I feel in writing. What I write never sounds how I want it to. I got it all in my head but can't get it down on paper. Because I didn't do very good a school I don't know the right words to use.

Even after all you're kind words and encouragement which I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I still don't believe I'll be able to do it.

Even before SA took complete hold of my life when I was about 10 and ruined everything. I was never able to talk to people even with my closest family members. I've never had the mental capability to have any kind of proper conversation with anyone.

 

[da_illest101]

that might sound weird but it's when i gave up that I improve on SA. I was so focus on beating it that it's all I could think about. I was over analysing every single tiny bit of details that i'm sure most people don't care or won't even notice. When I gave up, i started to think less and less about it to the point that I was actually able to have conversation with someone. Now i'm improving a lot, doing things that I was so scared to do like answering question in class, talking to hot girls ( still can't approach them on my own though). It took me around 11 years to figure that out. I hope that if you give up you'll gain the same results as me.