I always lose out.

[knowledgeofself]

ok so I have this problem, whenever I start to like a girl I often become vocal about it, maybe I shouldn't? but sometimes I just can't help myself. the problem mainly is the fact that as soon as people know what person I like they immediately move in on that person and I lose out! its like they didn't even recognise them before I took an interest and as soon as I liked them all of a sudden everyone wants to know them and date them. it really gets on my nerves because i'm not an alpha type and I often inevitably lose out to another person who then goes on to date them. has anyone else experienced this? it keeps happening to me, and I keep losing out on chances with really nice girls. help!

 

[knowledgeofself]

another thing i've encountered is when I take an interest in a girl who isn't particularly well known within a group and I start to get to know her slowly which is how I do things (i'm terrible at moving quickly with a girl) she finds my attention and flattery quite encouraging and it spurs her interest in other men. so in other words by me giving her attention and adulation it gave her more of a confidence boost to put herself out there more and because I move slow she then starts to look around more and flirt with other men more. these scenarios make me feel like a perpetual loser because I can never get together with the girl I like.

 

[MikeyC]

How vocal are you about your interest in a girl? If you go up to a potential girlfriend and ask her for a date or that you're interested, you're are already ahead of the game in your confidence. That's a good plus in your favour. If you keep that up, while not being too forceful, you'll surely strike one.

 

[knowledgeofself]

How vocal are you about your interest in a girl? If you go up to a potential girlfriend and ask her for a date or that you're interested, you're are already ahead of the game in your confidence. That's a good plus in your favour. If you keep that up, while not being too forceful, you'll surely strike one.

I often like to become friends with a girl first and I usually meet a girl from interacting within a larger group ,despite my disliking for group activities (because of my social anxieties). I have pretty much always met girls through social groups, like a friends wide circle of other friends. i'm not very vocal I suppose to the actual girl I like ,I suppose i'm scared of rejection. I like to establish some sort of friendship first ,it just feels safer.

 

[DeadmanWalking]

I often like to become friends with a girl first and I usually meet a girl from interacting within a larger group ,despite my disliking for group activities (because of my social anxieties). I have pretty much always met girls through social groups, like a friends wide circle of other friends. i'm not very vocal I suppose to the actual girl I like ,I suppose i'm scared of rejection. I like to establish some sort of friendship first ,it just feels safer.

It's good to establish a level of friendship with the girl, but don't stop there. Tease her, flirt with her a bit, do things that would imply that you would like to become more than friends. If all you're doing is establishing a friendship, then that's all you'll get. Rejection is scary, no doubt, and it hurts, but it doesn't last forever and you'll be that much closer to finding "that girl". Just take a deep breath and "act before you have time to worry"!

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I've found that the more someone likes a girl-- the higher her stocks raise; so to speak.
She'll be more confident and more popular, the more people show interest-- and then even MORE people will show interest.

I think that's how it works.

 

[MikeyC]

I often like to become friends with a girl first and I usually meet a girl from interacting within a larger group ,despite my disliking for group activities (because of my social anxieties). I have pretty much always met girls through social groups, like a friends wide circle of other friends. i'm not very vocal I suppose to the actual girl I like ,I suppose i'm scared of rejection. I like to establish some sort of friendship first ,it just feels safer.

Sounds like you're getting friend-zoned and you're not even aware of it. Being friends first is a death-knell for future intimacy, even though that sucks. Of course that's not a hard and fast rule, but that's how I see it in my own experience.

 

[OceanMist]

I always lose out too, but my situation is a little different. I date these women and then they get rid of me pretty quickly and start dating another guy immediately or during when they date me.

I would tell you to show more interest, but look what happened to me. I went out and dated these women and still came up empty-handed. The "you got experience though" thing is kind of wearing off by now. I mean, what good is it doing if I just get rejected every time? There is obviously something about me that isn't appealing enough to women. I don't understand it. I think I'm a decent guy that can hold a conversation. I respect people, too.

 

[knowledgeofself]

It's good to establish a level of friendship with the girl, but don't stop there. Tease her, flirt with her a bit, do things that would imply that you would like to become more than friends. If all you're doing is establishing a friendship, then that's all you'll get. Rejection is scary, no doubt, and it hurts, but it doesn't last forever and you'll be that much closer to finding "that girl". Just take a deep breath and "act before you have time to worry"!

thanks, some things for me to think about.

I've found that the more someone likes a girl-- the higher her stocks raise; so to speak.
She'll be more confident and more popular, the more people show interest-- and then even MORE people will show interest.

I think that's how it works.

thats what I noticed too, even if it is as much as talking with them more than usual other people seem to be aware of it and its like wolves descend on her ,to use a figure of speech.

Sounds like you're getting friend-zoned and you're not even aware of it. Being friends first is a death-knell for future intimacy, even though that sucks. Of course that's not a hard and fast rule, but that's how I see it in my own experience.

:: man, looks like me looking for ms right is going to get 10x more tricky.

I always lose out too, but my situation is a little different. I date these women and then they get rid of me pretty quickly and start dating another guy immediately or during when they date me.

I would tell you to show more interest, but look what happened to me. I went out and dated these women and still came up empty-handed. The "you got experience though" thing is kind of wearing off by now. I mean, what good is it doing if I just get rejected every time? There is obviously something about me that isn't appealing enough to women. I don't understand it. I think I'm a decent guy that can hold a conversation. I respect people, too.

that has happened to me before ,when I was quite young. but I often don't even make it to the dating stage because someone else has moved in on her or she has lost interest.

 

[drganon]

I have the opposite problem. When I do find a girl I like, I start avoiding her like the plague. That and when and if I do end up talking to her, I come off sounding stupid and nervous.

 

[schist]

If you're not an alpha type, then you need to take steps to change that.

Being passive and skulking around will not get you the girl, in fact, it will often get you labelled as a creep and drive you further away from your goal of getting the girl.

 

[WhereisMonika]

If you're not an alpha type, then you need to take steps to change that.

Being passive and skulking around will not get you the girl, in fact, it will often get you labelled as a creep and drive you further away from your goal of getting the girl.

Yes, because no one on planet earth gets a girlfriend if they are not the ''alpha'' type. If you are going after a girl that looks like a super model and/or is very popular with people, then someone like you will most likely not get her. Do you want to know why? Because people are shallow,superficial scum. Did you ever think that you might try looking at a library or book store? Did you ever think that you might try going after someone who is a bit larger or someone who is not attractive to the herd? My point is are you going after these ''hot'' types and not looking into someone's inner beauty and going after the ones that are attractive to the majority? When people have shown me a picture of a female and ask me ''Isn't she hot dude???'' BLAH BLAH BLAH. I say i don't know i would have to meet her and get too know her before i give my point of view. You may think I'm making this up too look morally superior but just think about this.