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deleted #89
Guest
Hey Banerwave what about perceptions? Do you ever feel that people sense/see your nervousness? great post btw
HOW TO SOCIALIZE/HAVE A CONVERSATION (with people,its long)
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gustavofring
Well-known member
In my experience from what I overhear is people like to talk a lot about what their day's been like, what they do daily, their plans for the coming week, etc.
Usually about sports (TV as well as themselves doing sports), school, going out, work, their plans for the holiday, their weekends, or something other that's interesting. Usually it's about something that involves action.
Being somewhat of a hermit that's why I never have anything to talk about.
The best cure to having nothing to talk about is probably getting an interesting life.
Usually about sports (TV as well as themselves doing sports), school, going out, work, their plans for the holiday, their weekends, or something other that's interesting. Usually it's about something that involves action.
Being somewhat of a hermit that's why I never have anything to talk about.
The best cure to having nothing to talk about is probably getting an interesting life.
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A86
Well-known member
good advice. you are only hurting yourself if you are content with a justification or excuse to being unhappy.
in regards to people's fears of anxiety preventing them from following through progressive steps outlined... I find a change in mentality about my feelings has helped me. anxiousness and excitement are kind of similar in physical symptoms, if not the same. tell yourself "I'm excited! not anxious".
if you tell yourself this enough times, it starts to become true. (just like telling yourself you a failure enough times starts to make it true).
for me it took close to 10 months of forcing this kind of thinking before I noticed I change. just something to think about.
habit or behavioral memory or whatever is a double edged sword that can only be turned via time and effort.
in regards to people's fears of anxiety preventing them from following through progressive steps outlined... I find a change in mentality about my feelings has helped me. anxiousness and excitement are kind of similar in physical symptoms, if not the same. tell yourself "I'm excited! not anxious".
if you tell yourself this enough times, it starts to become true. (just like telling yourself you a failure enough times starts to make it true).
for me it took close to 10 months of forcing this kind of thinking before I noticed I change. just something to think about.
habit or behavioral memory or whatever is a double edged sword that can only be turned via time and effort.
gustavoring brings up a good point..most people have active lives, constantly on the go, doing this and that and it gives them something to talk about..those of us that are isolated and dont have active lives will find it hard to talk about themselves as we dont have much going on..literally..sure, we can ask the other person questions or talk about sports or whatever but that gets tiring...i just find alot of the time i have nothing to talk about with people so i avoid them..i can go weeks without talking to friends...this is one problem i find hard to get around and i have good social skills..
montejocarlo
Well-known member
it's highly appreciated. thanks! *2 thumbs up*
gustavofring
Well-known member
Same here. I guess what is best is really to focus on getting yourself out there, coming out of the isolation. I usually am way more talkative and sociable after periods of busyness and doing stuff and having interacted with people.
If I have spend most of my day inside my room, I will automatically be dull and avoidant of people.
Of course not all of us who have this problem are isolated. Many people on this forum have a daytime job etc.
OceanMist
Well-known member
This post is absolutely right. When I hear people talking, a lot of the time it's about what they are currently doing with their life. For instance they can talk about, "I'm doing this, I'm doing that, I'm dating so and so, last night I hung out with so and so," etc.
Outgoing people don't need conversation starters or any of that other talking advice. Conversation flows because they have active social lives already and they don't sound like losers because they can talk about real people that they hang out with. Conversation comes natural to them because they have social lives.
They have stories that they can always pull out of a hat that comes across as normal. When people like us talk, even if we have those conversation starters, it doesn't take long for people to figure out that we don't have much of a social life or for some of us, no social life, and that comes across as boring.
I also think it comes down to loving talking and loving being around people. People can tell when people don't love talking and don't love being around people. When many people see that you don't love talking and being around people, many will write you off as a social outcast and ignore you and give you the boring label. Social status often matters to both males and females when they observe a guy.
It's these things that make it that much harder to achieve and maintain a social life for someone with SA. All the conversation starters in the world won't do much for an SA person that doesn't appear as normal from a social aspect.
Something I've found is that people want to talk about real people in their lives. When someone such as myself doesn't have many real people in my life at all, it leaves me with nothing to talk about. There is only so much food, travel and sports that we can talk about before people start seeing us as an asocial nerd with no life.
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^^not only is SA a problem for many of us but you also must factor in that some of us are very introverted(talking drains us) AND we suffer from depression and anhedonia as its nice sidekick..u factor these things altogether and u have a very nasty combo, one that creates a very high barrier to any future relationship..it doesnt matter how good your social skills are, its no match for these obstacles i have found..i know i have to be in the right mood to socialize or else i wont enjoy it and the older i get, the less im in that mood..
its all a vicious cycle..an introverted person with SA and depression cant maintain their regular relationships, the older that person gets, he/she wil feel more isolated, people will see them as social misfits or anti-social..that person will find it extremely difficult to form new relationships, they end up feeling even more depressed and isolated..difficult situation..
its all a vicious cycle..an introverted person with SA and depression cant maintain their regular relationships, the older that person gets, he/she wil feel more isolated, people will see them as social misfits or anti-social..that person will find it extremely difficult to form new relationships, they end up feeling even more depressed and isolated..difficult situation..
OceanMist
Well-known member
Great point about age and socializing. I've noticed that I have less social desire than I did when I was in college.
I think the hardest part is the fact that there aren't many organizations where people are set up to socialize as we get older. I've looked on meetup.com and there is nothing going on in my city, and my city is normal sized. I shouldn't have to travel 100 miles just to hang out with people.
Back in high school and college, there were all these intramurals, clubs, and organizations that you could just sign up and join. At my age, they have intramurals but they have it designed where I couldn't even join a basketball league because you can't just sign up and play. You have to be placed on a team by someone and I don't even know enough people for that. So I can't even play.
Many people on here would agree with me, many of us just aren't the type of people that will go to a bar solo and strike up conversation with people there. I'm not comfortable doing that, and don't think I ever will be. I feel like a loser going there with no friends, too. I think even if you put outgoing people in my situation I have now, they'd have trouble making friends. It's a matter of where we are now....when you start with not hanging with friends for years it gets to a point where you end up having to start from scratch.
Without organized social clubs and such that schools have it makes it very difficult for a 27 year old who has to start from scratch to find friends. Most people already have their cliques where all of them know eachother. Entering one of those cliques isn't exactly easy....especially when someone has SA.
I'm not giving up, but I also am kind of unsure exactly how to go about meeting new people. I've searched online and many of the ideas that people propose are kind of ridiculous and most of them don't work. I just looked at this site where it says to travel (wayyyy to expensive for people like me), make work into a fun experience (Work is never fun for almost anyone), and talk to people you do know (I hardly know anyone at all).
It seems I'm stuck at a roadblock here. Meeting up with old friends has gotten out of the question because I have like three or four friends who hang out together, and their idea of fun is doing drugs or getting a DUI. I see people talking about these clubs and organizations, where are these things? Better yet, I don't even like most of those. I'm not interested in dancing, softball, kickball or yoga.
commenter39
Well-known member
I can t see what s special about these tips, wondering if there s anyone saying wow i ve never thought it before
bannerwave
Member
i thought i would bump this since some people liked it
thanks for all the comments guys,although this is an old post
thanks for all the comments guys,although this is an old post
truffleshuffle
Well-known member
My biggest problme is over analyzing something during a convo and then I obbsess over what i should have said or could have said or didn't say.Thanks, Bannerwave. Great ideas. Sometimes things are so 'right in your face' and simple, yet for me I tend to over-analyze, over-whatever situations then my thoughts, words, etc. get scrambled.
I am gonna print this up!
cowboyup
Well-known member
oh me too, truffleshuffle....I hear ya!!
cowboyup
Well-known member
I can t see what s special about these tips, wondering if there s anyone saying wow i ve never thought it before
It may not be the WOW factor, but I think, for me at least, seeing it, being able to print it where I can read it and remind myself, if that makes sense.
It's common sense and sometimes I need a kick in the a$$ with common sense, LOL
truffleshuffle
Well-known member
Ya sometimes i will obsess all day over it.
mikebird
Banned
Reading the initial message is exactly what I do with entire non-fictional books and all types of wikipedia, online articles... Glad to read; not needed, but very important, because I knew it ALL. A good reference. Very fulfilling. Toddlers is an amazing piece of unknown knowledge. Thx Coyote. Groups, yes. Completely lost. More than one-to-one brings mental selective deafness. I hear noise. Not one word. Struggling. All I do is shout about myself in a sermon from my world inside. Seeing people talk to each other makes me think they're all still at embryonic stage
Yep. Questions. LIFE's BAIN. I hated my parents' questions about me. My parents were too simple to speak to. It brought anger. Questions from a stranger, recruiter, interviewer... "u alrite? How are you?" it's a dog's bark, or a cat's meow. I thrive on a wealth of deep information. Learning from teachers. I asked them questions, because they had answers. I talk to dogs and cats, bunnies. I'd care for any different type of animals. People know N O T H I N G Just people. THERE IS MORE IN THIS UNIVERSE THAN PEOPLE, BREEDING, AND THE TELEPHONE
There was a lot of stress caused on the phone last November about interviewing with a food distribution firm. The caller got me worked up and made me need to get into hospital. I knew there was a seizure about to happen. It was months later, after recovering in rehab that I recalled our conversation by reading through by log and missing the interview. The bloke shouted at me on the phone "Mike! You can't even hold a conversation with me" and hung up. I'm used to that from recruiters. I think it's a well used phrase, but could mean different things - did he want to put him on hold, di I want to put him on hold, or... shut him up and... Gain control of / maintain ownership of the conversation? The kind of stuff that sets my head in a spin.
Yep. Questions. LIFE's BAIN. I hated my parents' questions about me. My parents were too simple to speak to. It brought anger. Questions from a stranger, recruiter, interviewer... "u alrite? How are you?" it's a dog's bark, or a cat's meow. I thrive on a wealth of deep information. Learning from teachers. I asked them questions, because they had answers. I talk to dogs and cats, bunnies. I'd care for any different type of animals. People know N O T H I N G Just people. THERE IS MORE IN THIS UNIVERSE THAN PEOPLE, BREEDING, AND THE TELEPHONE
There was a lot of stress caused on the phone last November about interviewing with a food distribution firm. The caller got me worked up and made me need to get into hospital. I knew there was a seizure about to happen. It was months later, after recovering in rehab that I recalled our conversation by reading through by log and missing the interview. The bloke shouted at me on the phone "Mike! You can't even hold a conversation with me" and hung up. I'm used to that from recruiters. I think it's a well used phrase, but could mean different things - did he want to put him on hold, di I want to put him on hold, or... shut him up and... Gain control of / maintain ownership of the conversation? The kind of stuff that sets my head in a spin.
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