How to address social phobia on dating sites?

[girlinthecorner]

For people who use dating sites or who are thinking about using them: Do you address your social phobia on the site? I feel like I should put that on my page since I feel like it's a really important part of me and I'd rather meet someone more like me or who would be okay with it. But I'm not sure if it's just too weird to let people know right away.

I had one guy write to me who I was interested in but then he immediately wanted to talk to me on the phone and I freaked out. I know I'd eventually have to try talking on the phone but I wasn't ready and didn't feel like I could just come out and tell him what the problem was since he thought I was just a normal girl. So, putting the weird things about me, like my phobias, seems like it would help and I feel like I'm lying about myself if I don't put that type of stuff.

Another thing I'm not sure if it's okay to put on my page is that I have a certain type of guy that I'm attracted to, like I don't date guys of my own race. It seems shallow to put that and a little racist, but it's a problem because that's the majority of who writes to me and I just don't want them wasting their time on me.

 

[Tiercel]

I'm painfully blunt. And it seems to work. I never initiate anything, and neither does anyone else.

Maybe I should try a little experiment. I could be forthright about all my drawbacks and not mention any of my better qualities. I wonder what kind of attention that would get for me....

 

[deleted user 1]

For people who use dating sites or who are thinking about using them: Do you address your social phobia on the site? I feel like I should put that on my page since I feel like it's a really important part of me and I'd rather meet someone more like me or who would be okay with it. But I'm not sure if it's just too weird to let people know right away.

I had one guy write to me who I was interested in but then he immediately wanted to talk to me on the phone and I freaked out. I know I'd eventually have to try talking on the phone but I wasn't ready and didn't feel like I could just come out and tell him what the problem was since he thought I was just a normal girl. So, putting the weird things about me, like my phobias, seems like it would help and I feel like I'm lying about myself if I don't put that type of stuff.

Another thing I'm not sure if it's okay to put on my page is that I have a certain type of guy that I'm attracted to, like I don't date guys of my own race. It seems shallow to put that and a little racist, but it's a problem because that's the majority of who writes to me and I just don't want them wasting their time on me.

The whole point of a dating site is that you are able to find exactly what you are looking for. Think of your dating profile as a form of curriculum vitae, letting prospective mates know exactly what you are applying for and whether you and they can do business (please don't take that last part out of context, lol). Do not shy away from the details, if that puts anyone off, then they obviously were not what you were looking for. Good luck in your efforts, always be careful and stay safe when dealing with people online.

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

For people who use dating sites or who are thinking about using them: Do you address your social phobia on the site? I feel like I should put that on my page since I feel like it's a really important part of me and I'd rather meet someone more like me or who would be okay with it. But I'm not sure if it's just too weird to let people know right away.

I had one guy write to me who I was interested in but then he immediately wanted to talk to me on the phone and I freaked out. I know I'd eventually have to try talking on the phone but I wasn't ready and didn't feel like I could just come out and tell him what the problem was since he thought I was just a normal girl. So, putting the weird things about me, like my phobias, seems like it would help and I feel like I'm lying about myself if I don't put that type of stuff.

Another thing I'm not sure if it's okay to put on my page is that I have a certain type of guy that I'm attracted to, like I don't date guys of my own race. It seems shallow to put that and a little racist, but it's a problem because that's the majority of who writes to me and I just don't want them wasting their time on me.

I don't think there's anything wrong with putting down things like phobias. It's part of who you are, and anyone you start dating is going to have to deal with that part of your personality.

I also don't see why you can't put down your preference for a particular type of guy. It isn't racist, and it doesn't have to come across that way. Just list the attributes (both physical and personality) that you are seeking in a guy. It will stop people wasting their time and being disappointed, so I can only see it as a positive thing.

 

[nightcrawler]

I use a dating site, but certainly haven't listed my SA in my profile. Sure, I put that I'm shy and am better in one-on-one or small group situations, but I think putting your SA out there from the get-go would be a bit weird. For me it would be something I'd bring up a little way into a relationship when I'm a lot more comfortable with a girl. Then again I guess it shows you're being very honest so you may attract people who are more compassionate about your SA. At the end of the day it's obviously a personal choice, and if you're comfortable listing your SA upfront then go for it.

 

[Patrick26]

I just said i am not a social butterfly. Too bad there was no dating site for people with SA.

 

[megalon]

I just put in mine that I don't have relationship experience because of social anxiety disorder, but I am working on it.

 

[Mickery]

I wish I had the time to knock up an SA dating site, it seems an ideal use of the medium.

 

[Obstacle 1]

I don't put anything about SA, but being a guy it may be different? I am the persuer after all. I have my personality listed as "Average", not social and not private.

I dont see anything wrong with listing it. I just think dating websites are about perception: most people don't understand what SA really is so they may overlook your profile. I don't think blaming their ignorance on the topic does a lot of good. I believe listing yourself as "Shy" or "I am initially quiet, I open up over time" as I see girls do would work better.

 

[A.Jones]

Those sites are builted for that purpose buddies . . .
To get numbers from there and hang out. But why you are afraid, You went to that site for that purpose too.

 

[BratBaby]

Ive used them before and I put that I am shy and I think if someone gets to know you then they should be ok with that fact sense they should like you for who you are as a person and if they dont like that you have social phobia or cant handle it then they arent the right person for you.

 

[nothingtofear]

I feel like I have to. If I don't, people have expectations and any time I feel put on the spot I feel like I need to explain myself. I tried a dating site a while back and I just put that I was an introvert and that I was shy and what not, thinking it would be best not to mention it unless I had to. I talked to a handful of girls and wound up explaining it to all of them individually, which wasn't the plan at all but they had questions and it seemed like I was digging myself into a hole with every answer until there was just a lot of stuff that need an explanation and SA was it. I'd much rather have the majority of potential matches not want to talk to me let alone meet me because they see that I have SA than to have them show interest which they then lose when they find out. Telling people sucks, especially when you want them to think highly of you but I'm terrible at holding back information and feeling like I have something to hide so rather than being secretive about it because I don't like explaining it, being able to explain it once for anyone who looks at my profile seems to be the only way.

...but I think it would be way less of a problem if I was in better shape psychologically and that obstacle in particular is far from my biggest so I'm better off just leaving the whole internet dating site thing until I'm ready for it. Now just isn't the time.

 

[Ciretose]

Too bad there was no dating site for people with SA.

There's like 5.

Shy Passions - 100% Free Social Networking for Shy Singles is the first one on Google.

Never used em' though so I can't vouch for the quality.

 

[nothingtofear]

How would you explain the stranger aspects of your behavior or lifestyle that are consequences of social phobia to someone who asked a lot of questions about you? People on those sites often practically interview each other, it makes me uncomfortable but it makes perfect sense to me why they would: they want to know who they're talking to. If social phobia or anxiety is a significant part of who you are, they'll see it in some way or another. One thing that drives me nuts is thinking I'm being misunderstood, like someone is jumping to conclusions about me. For example, not getting out and doing much could be because I don't see any reason to or because some things can be quite difficult and unpleasant even if I do have reasons I want to. A better example is being perceived as being antisocial. Is it because you don't like people and have something against them or is it because you're extremely self conscious? Neither sounds that great, but it's not a misconception I want to have anyone of me. I really do like people and just because I don't want to be around them doesn't mean I dislike them, it comes down to social anxiety. If you're being asked about your life style or just what you've been up to, or someone notices that you rarely talk about your interactions with other people (something that's normally abundant with most people) they could easily jump to some pretty errant conclusions and that really bugs me.

I suppose you could be honest but reserved at the same time and say that you're introverted and very shy, to offer something of an explanation without waving a big mental illness flag and wearing the stigma. You could also try to hide it but I find having something to hide makes me very anxious so I try not to

 

[WeirdyMcGee]

I think when a person reads that you are a person with a 'social phobia' they automatically think the worst--- equating social phobia with being an agoraphobic hermit in the woods somewhere.

So, just say how you feel you are in social situations. Describe that you aren't a social butterfly and things you prefer doing rather than going out to clubs and parties.
That's fine.
Loads of people don't like clubs or parties.


Now... this is only my personal opinion; but if you are very phobic of being in public, can't step outside without screaming, agoraphobic- pee in a bottle because you don't want to leave your bedroom, type person--- like me; then dating is probably not something you need. Don't bother with the dating sites-- they will just depress you further. Seek therapy and community outreach first. Once you're comfortable, then maybe try dating.
Just my opinion. haha