Like I’m paralyzed or possessed. It starts in my head, sometimes it’s something specific but sometimes the anxious thoughts that can rapidly enter and evaporate so quickly I don’t even know what I’m nervous about. Then I feel my heart rate increase, I become painfully aware of my breathing so I try to slow it down because I don’t want anyone to notice I’m breathing too fast or loud, but that turns into holding my breath. This cycle can induce a panic attack and hyperventilating. Sometimes the fear of going into a panic attack itself makes me remember my breathing techniques. If I can go to the bathroom for a minute I can do this more easily. But if I’m still afraid of breathing loud and I’m still resisting the panic I’ll either have a panic attack or dissociate. If I dissociate it’s not always like an on/off switch, I’m floating in and out. The inbetween awareness can be anxiety provoking too, because the person might be able to tell I’m not “here.”
At this point I’m trying to push through it, appear as normal as I can. If it’s a date, or we’re touching in any way they’ll feel my shaking and probably bring it up, maybe I’ll say I’m cold. I’ve thrown up in front of a couple girls I was going out with.
I used to give myself UTIs because I didn’t want to ask to use the bathroom in school. There were multiple times my nose was stuffed up as a kid and I was too afraid to get a tissue, so there’d be snot running out of my nose and I couldn’t think about anything else except hiding my face and paying attention to when the hour was going to be over so I could go blow my nose in the bathroom.