Sometimes I think I should prepare, sometimes I think I should just go all out and have fun before the world goes to hell, then kill myself.
I'm mostly worried that Canada will be taken over by rich Chinese escaping the degraded environment in their own countries, driving up the land value in the countryside while the cities become death traps... and I won't ever be able to afford independence from corporations in my own country, who by that time could be our only potential saviors, when climate change kicks in. Depending on psychopaths for water and food is scary, but not as scary as political instability and war elsewhere.
Personally, I don't have as many regrets as I used to-- I suppose being at least somewhat financially secure and having travelled and done quite a few things that I wanted to do has helped that.
In some ways I regret not pursuing my dreams with more fervor but at the same time I've never had the kind of dreams where I definitely need to be recognized as a success-- it's the not trying that's really disappointing. Still, it would be worse if I hadn't had dreams in the first place, or had finally given up on them and resigned myself to actually being my job or my socioeconomic status or whatever.
Overall, my future is better than others, but not as good as some.
I've heard many Canadians saying the same things as you did about the Chinese. You guys are really not happy with the fact that Harper signed deals with China. It's like you guys see the Chinese as a big enemy. Some friend of my canadian friend even said things like: Harper take a good look at these Chinese soldiers. They are the ones that we should fight till the death and I'm sure that Canada will lie down for China and blah blah blah yadda yadda. It was awful to hear this man. So yeah, I've found out that you guys think like that about the Chinese unfortunately.
Last year I went to Canada for the first time to meet my friend in Toronto. I liked your country very much. I didn't like everything, but most of the things that I've seen and experienced were not bad. I felt more home there than in the Netherlands. I was born and bred in the Netherlands, but I never felt home here, cuz of the society and racism. This already created my social anxiety when I was a kid. I'm not a native Dutchie, despite my Grandpa came to the Netherlands around 1921. The Chinese were asked to come to NL, cuz there was a strike. Dutchies didn't want to work as a stoker at the ships anymore, cuz they received a too low salary. Many of us died, cuz it was extremely hard working for almost no money and dangerous work as you might know. Grandpa went back to HK, cuz he was sent back, cuz there was a economical crisis in NL. There was even a Dutch mayor who came up with the idea to sent the Chinese to concentration camps, cuz there was too many 'yellow danger'. My dad came to the Netherlands in the early 70's. None of us ever felt home here. We've been discriminated since childhood till present. We moved in 1999 to another district of my hometown. From that day it became hell for us till around 2008. There's some scum family behind my parents street who have harassed us for longer than a decade daily. Their kids always had a big mouth to us, yelled at us and at our dog, used our backyard as a trash can, once kicked my brother, blamed our dog for biting children (they just made it up), throwing snowballs and stones to our car and my parents house, a few days ago throwing fireworks in my parents garden and so on. It was literally daily anxiety for me and my parents and siblings. I had to quit with my study, cuz I couldn't concentrate. There were days that I woke up with anxiety and didn't eat for days. Every time when I left home, I was afraid that something horrible would happen to my family. Back in 2006, just 2 weeks before New Year there were 2 kids playing around 11 pm near our car. My bro politely asked them to go away. They of course didn't listen, so my bro kicked 1 of the kids and the kids of course told their parents this. So their parents and kids came immediately in our house and punched my bro. Just 1 punch and my bro was lying on the floor. It was so blatant that they planned this by sending kids of their family or aqcuintances that we haven't seen before to provoke so they got a reason to hit us. The mother held the arms of my sis, so her son could hit her. My mom's hand received a big bruise from the dad and I stayed upstairs, cuz I was scared. I will never forget this in my life. I want justice for my brother and family. The police were too passive to take action. The next day that scum family started to look at us so innocently, just playing the victim. They did this for 6 months, so yeah after 6 months it was angry face again. People always say that life in the west is so great, well it really depends on how you experience it as a foreigner. My dad is a native from Hong Kong. I've been to Hong Kong 7 times and I feel home every time when I'm there. HK is according to the statistics in the top 20 of most prosperous countries in the world, so life is not bad at all there. The anxiety of getting discriminated is totally gone when I'm there. A few days before I go back to NL, I feel kinda nervous again.
I'm really thinking about to leave NL asap, cuz I feel lonely here. Nothing makes me still wanna stay here. I'm almost 29 now and cuz of racism it made me scared to socialize, to trust ppl. I have nothing to lose anyway, cuz I haven't built friendship, no bf and so on. My life is just work, food and shelter, so the basic needs to survive. I do have hobbies, but I have to do everything alone. I lost my previous job, cuz I wasn't social enough. Currently I have parttime job and it's just enough to pay the rent. I really feel depressed daily. I see ppl around me having friends, a bf or gf, partying, or making babies and I just got nothing. It's not that I wanna blame NL, but I really don't see a future here.
Please don't get me wrong. I don't wanna hate or hurt anybody, cuz that's not the way how I am. I love you all. I really do. <3
