How are you feeling?

[Kiwong]

Today I went outside after staying in for three days. Felt good!

A breath of fresh air, must've felt wonderful, Paahi.

 

[Kiwong]

Like I am just floating around the pool, instead of doing laps like everyone else.

Floating around is better than following the same blue line that everyone else does and getting chlorine up their noses.

 

[Kiwong]

I'm wondering what worth I have in the world? I guess I still listen to those strident negative voices who shout me down. My self esteem is very much influenced by the personalities that surround me. At least I support myself, and refuse to let the criticism of a few let me descend into self hatred.

 

[Guffaw]

I'm feeling ****ing pissed off and I want to smash a certain someone's face in!! For once I'm glad I have SA as it makes it easier for me to walk away rather than tell people what I really think. If this had happened before I has SA the person in question would have had my foot up his/her arse so hard when I pulled it out my shoe and sock would have missing.

 

[BlueDays]

I'm wondering what worth I have in the world? I guess I still listen to those strident negative voices who shout me down. My self esteem is very much influenced by the personalities that surround me. At least I support myself, and refuse to let the criticism of a few let me descend into self hatred.

Could you please explain to me how you have managed to do the bold part?
I have never been able to successfully stop bad comments increasing my self hatred.

 

[Beatrice]

Could you please explain to me how you have managed to do the bold part?
I have never been able to successfully stop bad comments increasing my self hatred.

Same here! ::

 

[Kiwong]

Could you please explain to me how you have managed to do the bold part?
I have never been able to successfully stop bad comments increasing my self hatred.

Bluedays, I have learnt to choose the voices I listen to from myself and others. I seem to have lost the anger and resentment, I am better able to let go. The negative comments no longer result in a runaway train of thoughts like they did. Learning to relax, and by changing my diet (eliminating caffiene) has really toned down my anxiety thoughts. Exercise has also helped, I am physically very fit.

I have interests to focus on that are a distraction. Running and racing is a life saver for me. I go on one of my running adventures and I am lost in another world. All the things that drag me down are forgotten. I also do altruistic things, like raise money for charity, do conservation work. I can also lose myself in photography as my signature suggests.

In addition I keep a blog and record what I am thinking. When I read back over my thoughts I can see the helpful advice, that at times of crisis, makes perefect sense. I gets drowned out by the minority more strident negative voice. The positive is there, but the trick is increasing the volume on it.

Last year I was honest and told people I suffered from depression and anxiety. I was pleasantly surprised about the amount of support I got. The people who have been kind greatly out number those that are still ambivalent towards me. They are nobodies.

I find that I support myself in my low moments. Maybe it is the adult inside of me tkaing over?

When I was very unwell three years ago I was suprised that I found at the most fearful time of my life that I supported myself. It was like was out of my body looking at this bundle of cells in pain, me, and I kept said it's OK mate, it's OK mate. I was there for myself, and I guess that continues to this date.

 

[Beatrice]

Bluedays, I have learnt to choose the voices I listen to from myself and others. I seem to have lost the anger and resentment, I am better able to let go. The negative comments no longer result in a runaway train of thoughts like they did. Learning to relax, and by changing my diet (eliminating caffiene) has really toned down my anxiety thoughts. Exercise has also helped, I am physically very fit.

I also have interests to focus on that are a distraction. Running and racing is a life saver for me. I go on one of my running adventures and I am lost in another world. All the things that drag me down are forgotten. I also do altruistic things, like raise money for charity, do conservation work. I can also lose myself in photography as my signature suggests.

I also keep a blog and record what I am thinking. When I read back over my thoughts I can see the helpful advice, that at times of crisis, makes perefect sense. I gets drowned out by the minority more strident negative voice.

I also support myself in my low moments. Maybe it is the adult inside of me tkaing over?

When I was very unwell three years ago I was suprised that I found at the most fearful time of my life that I supported myself. It was like was out of my body looking at this bundle of cells in pain, me, and I kept said it's OK mate, it's OK mate.

Wow, this was really inspiring to read. Makes me feel good. Thank you!

 

[theslowesthand]

Could you please explain to me how you have managed to do the bold part?
I have never been able to successfully stop bad comments increasing my self hatred

Here's some more bold...
I think you already have the worst of the self-hatred from yourself - bad or "violent" comments from certain others are only serve to trigger whats already yours, already inside you. Its like "straw that brakes camel back" thing, or a tripwire-connected grenade - they may accidently step through it, or see it but not realize is connected to a bomb, but occasional "baddie" may deliberately trigger the granade for "fun" (danger, excitment, stimualtion (sensory & maybe emotional)), and also maybe to witness your suffering (theire "pain-body" desires it). But almost always they (not having SA/etc issues) really have NO IDEA of extent of suffering they can/will trigger, but presume in their ignorance you to be as "thick-skinned" as them.

 

[theslowesthand]

I'm wondering what worth I have in the world? I guess I still listen to those strident negative voices who shout me down. My self esteem is very much influenced by the personalities that surround me. At least I support myself, and refuse to let the criticism of a few let me descend into self hatred

Getting right down the level of existing as human beings, then no more and no less than anyone else.

 

[EscapeArtist]

so people-worn out, starting to just go mute again in class!

 

[Beatrice]

blah.....

bleh

blech

ech

ick

meh

ugh

 

[theslowesthand]

My confidence & self esteem is at zero because my mother always putting me down with snide, cynical comments. Happens everytime I try to have rational, reasonable conversation about my problems but it always ends up becoming an argument. She doesn't want to hear it, or so she always tells me. Better off living in denial than talking about things

Your mum sounds a bit like mine, "emotionally dumb". Basically she can't handle dealing with problems, other people's or her own. So she just blots it all out via denial, fantasy & avoidance - she does what she "needs" to do. Having a "calm, rational discussion" about problems doesn't work - as she gets all emotional regardless (it triggers some of her "baggage").
My mum nowadays "walks off" at the slightest hint of a "personal" conversation. I suggest that you pick'n'choose very carfully when to approach her with a problem, what problem to discuss (try to limit to just one), and try to limit the "discussion" to say just a few minutes - as that is all she can handle (without getting upset).
Its healthy (for you) to share problems, but you must also realise that the listener also has problems too & you dont want to "get them down". A fine-line needs to be tread.
Ideally you would talk to a councellor/therapist to discuss these things, as thay are trained for, so wont get upset, and wont give negative feedback (eg cynicism), and you almost certainly will gain much more than from your "free" councellor (your mum - you get what you pay for!)

 

[Kiwong]

Getting right down the level of existing as human beings, then no more and no less than anyone else.

That's very true, thanks for that thesmallestloser.

 

[theslowesthand]

My mother thinks I should go on disability. I don't know what I think about it

Being a long-term subscriber to a benfit, i would say that if you have a severe disability (of which SA is one), and you feel that by working you will "go downhill" (ie you "can't really" work), then i think you should really be on a benefit of some sort, as you would have a genuine/authentic need for such

 

[NewtoThis]

Bleh. I need a Coke.

 

[theslowesthand]

even on here im still trying to pretend im happy in attempt to snap myself out it, even though i no it cant be done. why am i trying?, who am i fooling? myself i guess

Or not even yourself. i think its more draining that its worth, to try to pretend your happy. You know deep down whether or how un/happy you are. People can see through things. It drains your energy. So why bother, i say?[/quote]

im 3 weeks into a depressive episode having come down from a manic one which lasted 14 months, i dont think this depression is going away any time soon. denial and delusion leave you feeling confused and scared and thats just how i feel

That's quite a "hike"!
The depression will go away when its good and ready, but not a moment before then. Maybe when you've learnt a few lessons, altered some beliefs, gotten rid of some denial/delusion. Depression operates hand-in-hand with lies (which you could say is "Satan"): lies conflict with the truth known deep-down, lies tend to create uncertainty & instability, which creates anxiety/fear.
I dont get severely depressed nowadays, and i put that down to learning certain "truths" about life when i was in those states. Now that all/most of that particular set of misbeliefs are gone, major depression is no more (dont even need pills for it now!). But i do suffer probably still from my usual "low-grade depression", so i guess i still have more misbilefs to tackle..

 

[BlueDays]

Bluedays, I have learnt to choose the voices I listen to from myself and others. I seem to have lost the anger and resentment, I am better able to let go. The negative comments no longer result in a runaway train of thoughts like they did. Learning to relax, and by changing my diet (eliminating caffiene) has really toned down my anxiety thoughts. Exercise has also helped, I am physically very fit.

I have interests to focus on that are a distraction. Running and racing is a life saver for me. I go on one of my running adventures and I am lost in another world. All the things that drag me down are forgotten. I also do altruistic things, like raise money for charity, do conservation work. I can also lose myself in photography as my signature suggests.

In addition I keep a blog and record what I am thinking. When I read back over my thoughts I can see the helpful advice, that at times of crisis, makes perefect sense. I gets drowned out by the minority more strident negative voice. The positive is there, but the trick is increasing the volume on it.

Last year I was honest and told people I suffered from depression and anxiety. I was pleasantly surprised about the amount of support I got. The people who have been kind greatly out number those that are still ambivalent towards me. They are nobodies.

I find that I support myself in my low moments. Maybe it is the adult inside of me tkaing over?

When I was very unwell three years ago I was suprised that I found at the most fearful time of my life that I supported myself. It was like was out of my body looking at this bundle of cells in pain, me, and I kept said it's OK mate, it's OK mate. I was there for myself, and I guess that continues to this date.

Here's some more bold...
I think you already have the worst of the self-hatred from yourself - bad or "violent" comments from certain others are only serve to trigger whats already yours, already inside you. Its like "straw that brakes camel back" thing, or a tripwire-connected grenade - they may accidently step through it, or see it but not realize is connected to a bomb, but occasional "baddie" may deliberately trigger the granade for "fun" (danger, excitment, stimualtion (sensory & maybe emotional)), and also maybe to witness your suffering (theire "pain-body" desires it). But almost always they (not having SA/etc issues) really have NO IDEA of extent of suffering they can/will trigger, but presume in their ignorance you to be as "thick-skinned" as them.

thank you both so much for your replies.
Sorry I took so long to get to read them, my mum rang me.
Very insightful thanks

 

[theslowesthand]

Bleh. I need a Coke

Excellent idea!!! I will go and fetch one now... or maybe another fizzy drink with bit less caffeine (as coffees/choc/sugar has probably dulled my mind enough - but still I WANT!!!)


(I settled on a can of "Sparkling Lime". Nice! And got me out of chair, and outside for several minutes too! Thanks to NewtoThis's initiative!)

 

[sprode]

Oh peachy, just writing another chapter in my perfect life.