Now I am older I know that I have just as much a right to exist and go about my existance day to day as anyone else.
However my mind just can't shake the feeling that I am less worthy then all other people.
The fact that I am a less worthy human then others, was entrenched in my mind from years of bullying by the same group of kids at a school 31 years ago. No type of therapy has been able to "undo" the circuits in my brain that were laid down all those years ago.
I used to feel angry about what those kids did to me, but now I just feel despair.
As someone who went through bullying at school, I know what you're saying. Bullying has lifelong, detrimental effects on people, and it's good to know that it's finally being recognised as such, even if the process to eradicate it is slow.
BlueDays, you are worthy. You're a kind person and those kids that bullied you were just that: kids. Immature ones, at that.
Hypothetically, if you saw them right now and they apologised for their behaviour, would you forgive them?
I'm heading for another final in a few hrs, my condition is flaring.Stress trigger and I feel like crying not taking an exam....Its going to be a challenging day. Deep breaths. I can do this.
I'm heading for another final in a few hrs, my condition is flaring.Stress trigger and I feel like crying not taking an exam....Its going to be a challenging day. Deep breaths. I can do this.
You can do it! I'll join coyote with that Guiness for you, too. Good luck!
As someone who went through bullying at school, I know what you're saying. Bullying has lifelong, detrimental effects on people, and it's good to know that it's finally being recognised as such, even if the process to eradicate it is slow.
BlueDays, you are worthy. You're a kind person and those kids that bullied you were just that: kids. Immature ones, at that.
^Thank you Mikey.🙂
I know they were kids, thats why I can't understand why the damage is permanent. My only guess is because it went on for so many years.
I'm heading for another final in a few hrs, my condition is flaring.Stress trigger and I feel like crying not taking an exam....Its going to be a challenging day. Deep breaths. I can do this.
Yes you can joule! your personal strength astounds me at times.:perfect:
let us know how you go, good luck!
I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep. I keep hearing those birds chirping all night long. It was highly unusual because in the past, I usually hear birds chirp during the morning and day, not in the middle of the night. I woke up really tired, feeling like a zombie.
Insomnia, depression - it's either one or the other. Or both. :idontknow:
Had an emotional breakdoon last night, eh... cried quite a bit. :crying: So feelin' weak and pathetic the day (today). :sad: Guess that what ah get fur thinkin' aboot ma dad, lately... ah still regret no tellin' 'em how ah felt before he passed away last year. Which still gets tae me quite since ah wish that ah had done. That, and the fact he seemed tae treat ma step-siblings alot better than he treated me. Though, it wasnae exactly easy fur me tryin' tae huv a relationship with someone who was pretty much non-existent fur much o' ma childhood. Sorry, gettin' too personal. Ah just need tae vent ma emotions, there...Nae idea why ah wrote nearly aw that in Scottish dialect? :idontknow:
Tired of trying and going places and "sticking my neck out" when the only people I attract are those who can't seem to respect my boundaries, no matter how direct I am in setting them. Frustration. I give up. No wonder I am socially phobic! I just want to stay with the old friends and keep the circle small. So much anxiety. Palms sweat wondering who is going to knock on the door next. ugh.
Lately, I've been feeling somewhat different. Not sure what it is but all of a sudden I want to be out, doing things allll the time, any moment I get. I don't like being at the computer too much anymore.
Actually I know exactly why this is... it's wanting to make sure that my thoughts aren't consumed by my job between Monday-Friday...need to get the balance right.
I guess it's a good thing in the long-run, but I just need to get used to it. I feel differently about a number of things and it's happened quite fast and that's what makes me feel uneasy :S
I'm feeling okay I guess you can say, but at the same time I feel stressed out and tired.
Today I believe is just a day I need to lay back and watch a movie.
I had a good, productive conversation with my mother today. I feel the need to have one every couple of months so I can get an outside report on my progress.
It's 73 degrees outside. Way too hot for me to fall asleep. I frakkin' hate summer. :\
^Thank you Mikey.🙂
I know they were kids, thats why I can't understand why the damage is permanent. My only guess is because it went on for so many years.
The damage is permanent because it probably happened for a long time. Plus, as kids, our formative years are our most influential. I'm sorry it happened, at any rate.
Had an emotional breakdoon last night, eh... cried quite a bit. :crying: So feelin' weak and pathetic the day (today). :sad: Guess that what ah get fur thinkin' aboot ma dad, lately... ah still regret no tellin' 'em how ah felt before he passed away last year. Which still gets tae me quite since ah wish that ah had done. That, and the fact he seemed tae treat ma step-siblings alot better than he treated me. Though, it wasnae exactly easy fur me tryin' tae huv a relationship with someone who was pretty much non-existent fur much o' ma childhood. Sorry, gettin' too personal. Ah just need tae vent ma emotions, there...Nae idea why ah wrote nearly aw that in Scottish dialect? :idontknow:
I had a good, productive conversation with my mother today. I feel the need to have one every couple of months so I can get an outside report on my progress.
What does your mother think of your progress. What do you think of your progress?
I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't fall asleep. I keep hearing those birds chirping all night long. It was highly unusual because in the past, I usually hear birds chirp during the morning and day, not in the middle of the night. I woke up really tired, feeling like a zombie.
That is unusual. I hear chirping in the middle of the night, it was actually an Asian House Gecko.
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