HOCD or Denial?

Hi Freestyle,

Well, it is really hard to explain and it is not as simple as doing a small test like that to be honest.

I mean, I imagined myself kissing another guy passionately the other day and it made me feel sick, but then when I watched this film last night and this gay scene came on, I started to get a sensation in my groinal region and my heart started to beat quicker. I am not sure if that happened because I was fearnig it, or whether I liked it. I dont want to like it, I dont want to be gay, but something just keeps telling me I am. I have tried accepting the fact I am gay, but for some reason I just cant, but then I have lost my libido (spelling?) when it comes to women comlpetely, which only feeds my gay worries.

The thing that is confusing me the most is why would I have always liked girls before these thoughts, how was I so easily aroused by my ex girlfriends, even when we were just cuddling and things, I would start to get an erection. I went and seen one of my girl mates the other day (and that is all she is, a mate) and I found myself getting aroused being around her, when I cuddled her, I started to get a semi!

I never have sexual thoughts about males until the HOCD thing kicks in and it all spirals from there. I now find myself noticing males more in the street and when I do notice females, I feel numb toward them.


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Hey Hottie,

Thankyou for the help again, I am really struggling at the moment and when I watched this film yesterday it got all the thoughts rushing again.

I havent got my therapy until 12th April, so god knows how I will stick it out until then!

Look i really dont know... I wish i did...but i dont ::(:
When these HOCD moments happen they can bring you down so much. I feel how your feeling, believe me! I am not in a relationship so i dont know how that makes you feel when you are with your girlfriend.

I hope some of that info helped... I know for me it made a lot of sence but it still doest help our situation. At the moment i am thinking about the positive things im doing to try and overcome HOCD. You should too...

April the 12th is not so far away. Its only like 3 and a half weeks away...it will fly in. As Feathers asked...do you know if you theripist specializes in OCD? What type of therapy are you going to be having? Do you even know?

Is HOCD your only problem at the moment? Or is there futher things? How long have you suffered from HOCD? How much does it occupy your thinking usually? When in a 'HOCD moment', what do you do (physically & mentally)?

For me i am just paro because erethrophobia and because of this i then fear people think i am gay. All these fears are irrational...but we all know fears are irrational...and it doesnt stop us feeling the way we do. Some theripsts say you have to get to the route cause of the problem... Can you think of anything that triggered it?

I know two things that happened in the past to me, that may have caused this...but i dont want to say on here.......

Hope you feel better today/tonight!

Hey again,

I have had a few things that could have kicked this off, I remember when I was in school and I was about 12 one of my friends said "left handed people are gay" and me being a left handed writer started thinking "am I gay then?" etc...

Then I was watching tv one time when I was probably about 14 and they were testing a women on her responses to certain pictures and a picture of a famous good looking guy came up and her heart beat raised, I felt mine do the same and the thoughts came again, it scared me.

With my therapy, I am going to a general group thing and they will be helping me deal with the issues using CBT. God knows what this will involve as I really dont know.


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Barry if you want to learn more about CBT - The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns is a good general intro. But it's not specifically for OCD, it's for other worries/depression/anxiety etc too.
It's really helpful, helped me a lot before & I'm reading it again :)

There are also books for OCD specifically, not sure if for HOCD too, maybe you could check?

I know quite some left-handed people and they're DEFINITELY NOT gay!!
When you're young it can be easy to wonder tho, yeah..

Does your therapist know about the HOCD or were you referred for other things/issues? Will the other people in the group have H/OCD too or not? Might be good to know too.. Did you check Stuckinadoorway forum or Psychforums yet? (I found some things there helpful)

There is some info about OCD and nutrition in this thread: http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/hey-all-please-help-me-to-come-out-of-this-ocd-28942/
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Hey Feathers,

I am still struggling, although today has not been as bad as previous days.

I was thinking about other forms of OCD to see if I fit any and I used to as a kid, believe I couldnt breathe and I would always gasp for air...and not so long ago (even kind of still have it now) I was obsessed with my weight, I got a bit over weight and then I exercised all the time, would not eat anything fatty and would try not to eat after dinner even if I was hungry.

I used to constantly check myself in the mirror to see if I had got bigger and I would also check the scales...

I am not sure where to turn now, my mind is so strong on these thoughts its unreal, it is so strong that I look at a girl and feel nothing, but I notice a guy and thoughts come rushing to my head telling me hes good looking or whatever. Although, I have not had thoughts about havin sex with them or anything unless my mind starts to question it.


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I had a bad day yesterday regard HOCD. I was on the bus into town with a few people and they started joking (not really meaning what they said, just humourous) about lesbins/gays. I was already anxious sitting on the bus but when a topic of gay people comes up, my anxiety goes off the scale! What made it even worse for me was because of ereythrophobia (bluhing) i had a blushing attack. Thankfully nobody noticed i think (they were all hammered!).

This is what i am anxious about... I am starting to think more that people think im gay. It comes on stronger then me thinking im gay (because im not) due to blushing attacks. Blushing attacks, if you have never heard about it, is a fear of blushing. For people who suffer with facial blushing, we can have a blushing attack witch will make us blush....this for me is a killer because it shows people my anxiety.

Do you just suffer from HOCD or is their other MH conditions too?

Do you think what i privete messaged you could have made a difference? meaning maybe triggering HOCD? Also regarding the second one...i have never told any professional about what happened to me at that time. I dont have the courage to bring it up, but the sad thing is i really want to talk about it :(

Also a good thing to remember is that thoughts come and go. Your thoughts do not determine who you are.... Also if you keep feeding the anxiety by looking for answers to find out are you straight or not, in my opinion they will only lead you to more questions then answers.

Have a nice weekend...


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I understand this is very difficult to deal with. Additionally, not easy to talk about. Even for people without OCD, sexual orientation is a confusing thing, or at least it can be. I made a video about my experience with it and included in the notes of the video is a great article written by some dude in UCLA and it helped me a lot.

Take care and stay strong!

YouTube - HOCD - Horrified to be gay (or staight)


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lol meme - it's interesting that you say homosexual people can have the fear of being straight too!! :) lol!

Thank you for posting this video! (You are brave to talk about it openly!)

Barry, if you were eating less and dieting it makes sense that you might be defficient in minerals and vitamins - which can make OCD worse! Also, if you are eg deficient of the mineral zinc you may have problems with um, desire to be intimate. Some foods with zinc (eg meat etc) can actually make you more 'passionate'! Do try to have a food diary and track your nutrition on Fitday.com - that way you could see which vitamins/minerals you might be lacking!! You might benefit from 'the good omega 3 fats' in fish oil or fatty fish.. (That's DIFFERENT than bad fats in McDonalds food etc!) omega 3 is important for the brain etc!
Glad to hear things got a bit better tho! Hope it's still getting better, or at least not worse-?

Hottie, even if they may have noticed the blushing, maybe they could just think you're an 'innocent' and maybe wouldn't connect it to any iffy thoughts or OCD at all?
Even if people thought you were gay - would it matter where you live? (Depends where you live and what kind of people they are, you could always move elsewhere, no?)


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Thanks meme for posting that video.

@Feathers - No i live in Dublin, Ireland, and it doesnt matter here about religion, traditions etc. towards being gay.
The thing is with my friends, they know i havnt been in a serious relationship. They know i've been with men and all that, but they make me paroniod. Paro in the sence that most people have been in relationships etc. and i havnt. They might think i havnt been in one because im gay...when thats not it at all. Its due to erethrophobia and SA.

(i have just read over that last paragraph and it has suddenly dawned on me, that its not my friends making me paro, its me and my thinking...)

The erethrophobia, as i said to you in a different thread is what shows my anxities. Like i can be 90% anxious and still get by, because i can hide it. When i reach 100% anxious, with blushing...there is no hiding it. With HOCD it becomes impossible to have those sort of conversations on sex, sexuality, relationships, gender etc. when around people and i actully fear now those topics because the HOCD can trigger a blushig attack (it sometimes happens, sometimes doesnt - it depend on how high the anxiety level is). And the age im at, people love those conversations!!

The way im feeling now is numb to the whole "who am i into?". I am trying to avoid figureing out who i am and let me find out naturally and with time. Even saying that last sentence worries me because its like i am saying i 'might' be gay......when i know im not (HOCD in mind mind says "i think" - see thats how it works...by making me question who i am)...

I hate HOCD...(and erethrophobia!)


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People won't think you're gay just because you're blushing, it wouldn't make sense. Gay people don't blush any more than straight people do.

As for the OP, I think one of the main reasons you're having so much trouble is that you fear being gay so much. Be confident in your own masculinity, and accept an eventual attraction towards men as something that's okay to feel. You might simply be bi-curious, and that's perfectly fine. You're struggling so much because you're so afraid of it, and there's really nothing to fear.

Then again, this thread is several years old, so I have no idea what progress you've made so far.