Highly broken, but still wishing

[Bronson99]

First off, if you don't like self-deprecation, this isn't for you I'll keep it mild, nonetheless.

I won't get into details, but suffice it to say, most things in my life are broken. I'm aware of how much worse it could be, but also aware of the demands of our society. At some point it became a requirement to either have confidence because you earned it, or (as with the average guy) fake it and project it even if you didn't earn it. No matter the case, you still have to act like the world would stop if you somehow disappeared tomorrow, and only once you do that will opportunity (of many different stripes) arise. I would suggest this requirement is more demanding for men, but I don't want to get to political, I don't want flame wars. Really all I offer you here is my impressions.

As for myself, you can start with the shyness and insecurity, continue on to the lack of accomplishments, poor social skills and anxiety, and so on. But even with all those problems, there is one that continues to bother me, and that is the lack of any contact with women. Never had a girlfriend, no intimate encounters, and all that jazz. And I just turned 32. What brought this issue back up to the fore, I suppose, is my only friend (also 32) broke this curse about a month ago.. and his newfound relationship continues. He's mentioned the carnal relations he's had with this girl in his car, 2-3x per week, and obviously, I'm envious. That's right, before this came up, he never had a girlfriend either.

And at the same time I'm envious, there is no flipside: I am not happy for him. This might suggest to some I'm one dark, hateful person, but there's moral complications in this relationship. I will elaborate if anyone's interested.

Back to myself.. is it possible to meet a woman, is it worth even trying, when you're broken?

 

[Steiner]

I would think it is possible just because you seem to have stated it yourself. Your friend managed at 32 why not you? I don't blame you for feeling a little jealous.

 

[mismeek]

I think everyone has a path..and you have to work hard to stay on that path..you have strayed from yours, so by working hard to be a bit more social you will find your way and eventually meet that girl that was made for you.

 

[Odo]

I think there's a right way and a wrong way to talk about sex, and if someone was giving me a play by play where I actually had images of my 'friend' floating around in my head because of it, I'd be pretty upset too.

If he feels the need to constantly bring up the sex, then I can't imagine there's very much substance to the relationship. I know if I'm happy with someone I'm probably more likely to talk about how they're the one and they inspire me and how perfect they are... or something they've said or their outlook on life or something.

If all I can think about is the fact that I got laid, then I already know that it's not going to last. I guess you can tell yourself that you don't care and look forward to the next one, but when it ends and you don't feel anything, it's actually pretty lousy.

 

[Bo592]

Don`t get jealous man, your friend is the best thing you have of helping you find a girlfriend. Girls want a man who has a life and having friends is the best way to show that.

 

[gummybear22]

don't hold on to this 'friend' just because of ^ advice. your friend isn't much of a friend if all he can talk about is doing it with someone. i'd try finding some new ones, including online ones. online friends have helped me alot, especially since i don't have any hangout friends, and all have been from this site. you might even find someone on here that you fancy, and talking about life stuff is a good place to start-better than starting out doing it, in my opinion. however, the most important thing to me is having good conversations with someone. for some, it's just the physical things.

 

[Steelsoul]

It's ok to be envious. I always feel jealous of my friends for being more social than me. You just need to turn jealousy into motivation to push you forward. If your friend can do it, why can't you?

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

Im 28, just a month shy of 29, ive had two dates, but no intimate experiences. I have 4 close friends 3 of which are married, im stuck because im a bit jealous, but while im straight, i dont really like women anymore.
I tried several times to start something with someone i like but i just get the old, no thanks im not interested response.
I havent bothered with it in about 3 years since i believe i already know the answer to the question. Anyway, not sure where im going with this, but i sympathize, im in the same boat more or less.

 

[Odo]

Don`t get jealous man, your friend is the best thing you have of helping you find a girlfriend. Girls want a man who has a life and having friends is the best way to show that.

There is some truth in this in some cases, but part of me suspects that this particular friend is probably enjoying the fact that OP isn't getting any while he is. Sometimes, the ego just works that way.

 

[Bronson99]

I appreciate all the responses, but I have to correct the false impressions, which are mostly my fault for not elaborating.

First I wanted to say, I was expecting an entire wave of "if you're broken, then don't even think about women." I'm glad it wasn't all like that, and I got at least some optimism.

I think also I made myself look better than I am, I'll clear that up as I go along, and not necessarily all in this response.

Onto the corrections:
1) My friend doesn't usually boast about "doing it," even though it is clear this is an exciting time for him. I myself ask him about it. When I asked for details a couple times, he quickly showed me texts from his phone. They were highly.. well y'know. An envious person like me should not be reading that, basically.

2) Here is the biggest one: this "girlfriend" is not a typical girlfriend. This woman is married with 3 kids. My friend met her at work where they see each other most days. About a month ago, she admitted she liked him. They started having sex about 3 days later. For a couple weeks she just told him "don't worry about my husband." Then she changed that to "we're basically separated but still live together." It is a secret relationship. Neither will meet each other's family. A bit like free lunch every day, with none of the responsibility involved in a serious relationship. So I envy him on a superficial level. The fact that she's "kinda" having an affair, well that's why I'm not happy for him. But the unspoken statement is "you can't drop the only chance you may ever get." What's most amazing, he's not a good looking guy, not by a long shot.

3) If it sounded like I did have a life, I most certainly don't have one. (I will continue to expound on that as time goes by--if I feel this forum is right for me.) This friend I speak of has been my only friend for a while, I've known him all my life, and he stayed with me when others "moved on" to greater things. This relationship of his might be the one thing you can really fault him for--but at the same time, if you're a virginal novice, 32 years old, in his shoes, and a pretty girl throws herself at you.. you're telling me you'd say "forget it"?

 

[Bronson99]

don't hold on to this 'friend' just because of ^ advice. your friend isn't much of a friend if all he can talk about is doing it with someone. i'd try finding some new ones, including online ones. online friends have helped me alot, especially since i don't have any hangout friends, and all have been from this site. you might even find someone on here that you fancy, and talking about life stuff is a good place to start-better than starting out doing it, in my opinion. however, the most important thing to me is having good conversations with someone. for some, it's just the physical things.

I have had online friends in the past, mostly female ones at that, but the problem is they always end up fading away, they either stop chatting or stop emailing. I don't know what it is, but it always seems to happen. When they're available, it does seem to help with loneliness a bit, and I've sometimes been a good listener for their problems, as well.

About the possibility of finding a special someone online, I think it is possible, but perhaps impractical too often. I think with about 90% certainty, I was once the victim of someone "making it all up." It's hard to tell if you've been had when you don't know enough hard facts; but it seems very likely in my case.

 

[Odo]

Wow, I was way off.

I don't think that there's such a big difference between 'don't worry about my husband' and 'we're living together but separated'... you can easily put the word 'because' in between those two statements and it would make sense.

Maybe they have an understanding where they're going to stay together for the sake of their kids, but have given up on ever really loving each other. Divorce would probably mean buying two not-so-nice apartments instead of a decent home, struggling to maintain a lifestyle that their kids are used to on two salaries, etc... it's actually pretty crappy to get divorced and that's not even taking into account the emotional toll it takes on the whole family. If that's what they've worked out and they're happy with it (well, as happy as anyone can be in that situation), then you can't really say it isn't good for them.

It doesn't sound like your friend is doing anything wrong. It isn't the kind of situation that is going to lead to anything special or even long term, which is okay for some people. I know there are children in the family and everything but just because you have children it doesn't mean that you shouldn't try to find at least a little bit of happiness for yourself.

I don't think that whether or not your friend is 'ugly' is probably as important to this woman as whether or not he's available and whether or not she might fall in love with him, which I don't think she wants to do. She's probably looking for something with no strings attached with someone that she feels won't jeopardize her family or her image as a mother/parent-- basically, someone she has no ties to in her daily life and who is mostly just a ghost, because that makes it easier to control the whole thing and prevent it from getting out of hand. You don't find that kind of thing with someone you respect or really care about.

I don't think there's anything necessarily wrong with this, but it is kind of depressing.

 

[Bronson99]

Well, you really don't think either one is doing anything wrong? Suppose the husband actually does care (after all, my friend doesn't know anything about him) and he finds out, and the toll that could cause on the family. For my friend, he might get hurt emotionally when it ends, remember this guy is inexperienced with girls, it's his first relationship of any kind.

About your claim that this woman doesn't really care about him, well my friend says she has praise for him all the time, says she's "so glad to have you in my life," he's "sexy smart and funny" and any number of other positive things. He tells me it's a relief to finally have a woman who appreciates him, this is his first time for that. I don't think this makes him a ghost; I think it makes him an important person in her life, or so she claims (and often, at that.)