Here I Am

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EndlessBlackRibbon

Member
Nobody understands me. I don't know if it is because I am more intelligent than everyone else, but when you sit alone thinking for years you get better at thinking. I see other people with jobs or cars or silly worries and feel I am seeing more of reality than they are. Everyone is inside of a bubble and I am looking in at them asking "why". But I know the answers to all my questions already. To ask the causes of the irrational decisions of others is illogical. I have never met anybody who can speak at my "level". People seem to think I am rude and disrespectful, when all I am doing is seeking someone as intelligent as I am. I have no desire to be "liked" by anyone. I have no wants or desires at all. I aimlessly hitch hiked across the states in pursuit of like-minded people and found none. I feel like a dinosaur...like my "species" of intelligent people has gone extinct and I am all that remains, doomed to live a miserable life searching for another dinosaur that doesn't even exist. I would not give up my intelligence for happiness. Where do people like me go? I hitch hiked back to Indiana when I found out how alone I really was. I have nobody here, and there is nothing out there to pursue. I thought I could find someone like-minded in the homeless population, but they are almost all drug addicts and criminals, not philosophers as I am. I will never give up all hope, because then my life would be completely meaningless. I live to find someone I can understand, who understands me. I have complete freedom, no job, few "possessions", the whole world is out there, but it is a whole lot of nothing without someone who understands. Everyone thinks I am crazy and should be drugged, but they can't help being fools. If anyone is offended by this please don't attack me, I meant no harm. I could write a thick book about my thoughts, but nobody would understand, and I dont believe in money, so there would be no reason to tell anyone anything. Does anyone relate to any of this? I am 18 years old and I still have many more years of suffering before I die alone and miserable. It is my destiny...
 
LazyHermitCrab

LazyHermitCrab

Well-known member
Interesting post..I might be similar, but not sure exactly =) I wonder what's real and what's not, like what happens after death really. Also, I enjoy traveling and appreaciating nature. There's this disconnect I get from people that I think are closeminded..for example believing one gender is more emotional. Sometimes the world seems full of adventure and other times pointless.. Also I believe I can give good advice at times. Othertimes, it drains me and I don't like to open up at all.
 
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EndlessBlackRibbon

Member
Thanks for the reply. I don't know anything. there is no "good" or "bad", "right or "wrong". The unbearably depressing truth is that there is no reason for anything. No reason you are here, no reason I am here, no reason the universe exists, no reason to ask questions. We are all still alive, our species is still alive, because we are all either too stupid to understand/question/think of that truth or too cowardly to commit suicide. So the stupid and the cowardly continue to breed, and natural selection continues. I am a coward. I just wish I had someone to cower with, then I could forget these terribly depressing philosophies of mine. I'm just thinking right now about being a drifter, the definition of loneliness. But at the same time I admire anyone who lives such a lifestyle. It is also the definition of hope. So many generations before mine have asked the same questions about life we ask today. And we still have no answers. Sometimes I feel cheated by this. But there is so much "good" in the world, too. We all have that special song that touches us, or someone in our lives who is good to us for no reason. If you are suffering with someone it isn't that bad, you don't even call it suffering. The best thing anyone can do is just enjoy life, or find a way to make it better for others. We're all on this lonely planet together.
 
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mrb

mrb

Well-known member
as you said your 18 ....... im 46 this year how you feel now might be not the same in say another ten years time .. the way your mind and the way you look at the world changes with age ... your searching for ? lol ..... were all searching for something ... the perfect world doesnt exist , all you can do is try to make the best of what you have ;) course you can better yourself through education ect but mate .... ;) stop tying to be perfect .... in the end you will only make your self sad ;)....
 
J

jaixo

Active member
I like you. lol. I think I understand what you're saying. I'm not really good at putting my thoughts into words but you did a nice job. I like your philosophical way of thinking and a lot of what you just said are things that have passed through my mind somewhat recently. I don't usually talk about these things. Maybe because I can't find anyone to talk about them with? As you said, today's population is largely dull-minded and in a way, brain-washed. I feel like it won't make sense to anyone else or if it does..well, I haven't had to worry about that. I'm sure you've spent much more time pondering such things than I have. This post has actually made me realize that I've been suppressing my own insights. You've just made me want to go back to not caring what others think and observing the world the way I want without society's ideals and such getting in the way.

I agree with mrb, partly. I think perception does change with age. I'm only 15 and I'm afraid that the world will turn my thinking process into the world's "ideal" person's. I kind of appreciate my SA for that reason. Staying away from people out of fear might actually keep me true to myself.

I don't know if this makes sense; my brother's playing some video game and I can't concentrate with the sound. Anyway, this is just my input. I haven't actually shared anything like this before so take it as you will.
 
evi

evi

1
I grew up in the 60's and 70's when independent thinking was encouraged and admired. It was the baby boomers who protested the Viet Nam war, fought racism, and equal rights in the workplace for women. When I see what young people are worried about today, I cringe. Our society has deteriorated socially and intelectually to the point where our whole self-worth is based on financial success and physical attributes; and as far as independent thinking goes - forget it! Why think for yourselves at all when the media can do it for you.

I guess the point that I am making is DO NOT CHANGE, DO NOT BECOME A MINDLESS ROBOT!!! You will find other people out there that are like- minded
so don't get discouraged. You will find your place.

PEACE :cool:
 
EscapeArtist

EscapeArtist

Well-known member
Gosh, I guess I should ditch my idea to travel the states by bike or foot looking for others who preach freedom and simplicity. Didn't find anybody huh? Sucks to be a woman, I don't it would be safe to hitch hike but I don't want to drive an air-polluting vehicle.

Hmm... I think I know what you're speaking of, although I can tell you that your priorities do change with time. I have to say, I don't believe in 'intelligence', I believe in unconsciously or consciously chosen ignorance though. I understand what you mean when you say much of the world lives life in their bubble, too paranoid and fearful to really live. There are many who don't believe in money, preach nature, and worship freedom these days, it just seems none of them have the energy to completely stray from the typical values of society (jobs, posessions, etcetc). I would like to know what you're living out of, without a job? (simply curiosity, seeing I'm planning on getting a van, though I'm still in highschool).There are many people like you that are yearning to live and speak the truth, I'm just not sure where they are, I don't know if they are willing to take action on it. I hope everyday that eventually I'll find a nomadi tribe-like band of like minded people.. well, Welcome!
 
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EndlessBlackRibbon

Member
Wow, thanks for all the replies. I really do appreciate everybody's input. To jaixo: I am surprised that you are 15. When I was around that age I was refusing (unable, if anyone understands) to do school work. At that age I thought it was reasonable to go to school to get an education. That IS why there are school, right? So I went everyday and completed my assignments excetionally well, did all of my homework, because I was there for an education and nothing more. They noticed I wasn't interacting with other kids, and I told them I was there for an education and nothing more. So they put me in special education to "teach" me basic math and grammer! I was the most intelligent person they could have chosen to put in such a situation! That is where I refused to do work, and Eventually quit going to school completely. I WAS THERE FOR AN EDUCATION! NOT TO INTERACT WITH MENTAL INFERIORS! Then after about 100 days the system took me to court for missing school! I have a right to an education, right? So I thought I had a right to refuse an education! That is the definition of a right. I had a probation officer after that, they continued to drug me, and I was in and out of "behavior health facilities". They put me in a jevenile facility of some sort too. THEY THREATENED TO PUT ME AWAY IN THE STATE MENTAL HOSPITAL! And I am not making this up! All I did was not interact with other kids and it snowballed into all that. Actually started well before I was 15, because I dropped out at 16 and a half. I went through years of abuse for being intelligent! And that is not all they did but I don't want to write a novel here, haha. Oh and the whole time I was doing my work and not socializing I got STRAIGHT As! THIS WORLD IS SO MESSED UP! How could I bring any children into it? On my 18th birthday I went hitch hiking and traveling, because to go even one day earlier is ILLEGAL. Anyone under 18 has absolutely no rights. Before I walked out of town on my birthday (for traveling) I was pulled over for walking on the interstate. I didn't know it was illegal. The cop called my mommy and daddy to tell them I was gone. I am 18 DAMMIT! AHHHHHHH! In phoenix AZ I got ticketed for WALKING ACROSS LIGHTRAIL TRACKS! In sacramento CA I got ticketed for CAMPING WITHOUT A PERMIT! I was homeless! AHHHHH! In sacramento I got another ticket for riding public transportation without a bus pass! AHHHHHHH! I never showed up in court! I AM GUILTY OF NO MORAL CRIMES! They probably added HUGE additional charges for not showing up to court but BIG DEAL! AHHHH! I worked as a telemarketer in Phoenix for a day and it was completely meaningless to me! I was selling air conditioning, something I knew nothing about before the DAY I GOT THERE! I did it one day and never collected my paycheck because I DIDNT DESERVE IT! I didn't benefit the company, I didn't want to get paid! I was BEATEN AND ROBBED In sacramento! Some drug addict was acting like he was going to rape me infront of the homeless shelter! I RODE A FREIGHT TRAIN with an alcoholic stranger who YELLED THE WHOLE TIME WE WERE ON THE DAMN TRAIN! Even in the trainyard where we got off! I thought that a$$hole was going to get us both arrested! They could legally shoot us for trespassing! I would Be a felon I suppose! I joke that I went on a crime spree across the western USA HAHAHA! AHHHHHH! I came back to indiana and am in my parents apartment now, but I was homeless for months and LIKED IT! I met alot of kind people along the way, but I am lucky I am not dead. lucky? maybe not. AHHHH!
 
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EndlessBlackRibbon

Member
TO evi: I am incappable of becoming a mindless robot. I am cursed with intelligence. Doomed to be unhappy untill the day I die. I dont "really" believe that, because then i would have nothing to live for. thanks for replying. To EscapeArtist wow you were going to travel by foot? I was planning on going on an extreme walk from indiana to arizona, but in winter, with no experience, I killed my feet after the first day of walking 30 miles. But I know i could do it. I just know now, after being there, there is nothing to go there for. AHHHH. And my philosophies are much more extensive than I could post here, as you will understand. My view of reality is more complete than that of anyone who I have ever met. I have so much to say I could explode. I would go on another "adventure" If there was anyone like-minded to go on it with. We could form that tribe EscapeArtist. And I am serious. If you, too, are willing to take action. I know my sentences are misorganized, but I have had so much to say for too long. Thanks for the replies again, people.
 
J

jaixo

Active member
An education and nothing more. Exactly. I'm practically mute in school but no one seems to care. Every once in a while, someone will try to be nice and ask how I am or they'll ask for my homework to copy. I've had one teacher that tried getting me to talk as he was actually interested in my views compared to the rest of the class. That's ridiculous that they actually put you in special classes? What the hell is that? Especially seeing that you excelled. School systems are so screwed up these days as is society as a whole. I can't believe that you actually went through all that just because you took school seriously. But I, also, noticed that socializing distracts me from my work and I don't even find it worth my time. I mean, I get a little lonely, sometimes. But like everything else, it passes, and with more accomplishment than had I sought out a companion. Besides, I get sick of people rather quickly and because I have a hard time burning bridges (due to guilt and such), I try to avoid social interaction where it's not necessary (Social Anxiety's obviously apart of that, too, though). But anyway, I kind of admire the fact that you got to go out and, even without finding what you were looking for, knew what you wanted. I'm so lost trying to figure out what I really want. I'm one of the people that can't bring themselves to pull away completely from what society wants. I oppose money and material items but I'm also a hypocrite. I enjoy shopping and having things and trying to look good. I tend to blame human nature for some of that, though...back on topic. I'm kind of jealous that you got to travel around the states and experienced what you have, both good and bad. I'm so bland and unexperienced in life. I stay in my house near all day, everyday. I wanted to travel as you have but after college, seeing that I can't bring myself to disappoint my dad, I plan on going to college. I have a feeling I'll grow up to be everything I'm against. Having a job I hate for success I don't care about buying things that don't matter probably being alone due to my SA. But then I get to thinking that it doesn't matter because once I die, nothing I do really matters. At least, not to me, I won't even know what's going on. That leads to thinking that maybe it does matter and I should do things to change the world. For better or worse, the world should change. It's so pointless and wrong right now. I don't know. I think, as young as we are, our minds are still ours. And as we get older, it changes because in this world, others ideals are pounded in to us making us think that the young are naive when really we're just pure and the followers are typical and fake. You said that you were homeless for a while and actually liked it. I thought about how I'd like to at least try it. I wrote a story about it for English, last year. My teacher thought it was interesting. I was practically a favorite of his after that which makes me think that maybe you can find someone with what you're looking for. They haven't thought up what you have but after talking to them, you may open their minds a bit and you could make them into what you're in search of. You just have to reverse they way the think, act...okay, maybe I'm dreaming. I don't know I'm saying anymore, I apologize for rambling. I'm not sure if this is anything you found worth reading or if it even makes sense; I just don't share any of my thoughts and once I start, I just keep talking trying not to jump around too much until I realize I'm probably boring whoever is around. Well, anyway, sorry for this obnoxious reply. ::eek::
 
Remus

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
This all sounds more like anti-social personality disorder rather than Social anxiety, any diagnosis or treatment as yet?
 
E

EndlessBlackRibbon

Member
Jaixo, your reply was well worth reading. Our minds are still ours, and I am so fixed in my ways that nothing could change me. I don't know much about you, but I see why you say you are a hypocrite. Intelligent people (just a thought) seem to contradict themselves alot. I for one have advanced my thinking to such an extent that if I start by stating my philosophical conclusions they would be thought complete nonsense by the average listener, so they will not care to listen any further to something that seems of no benefit. Philosophy is like another language. Maybe ignorance to what you want is preferable to the realization that your dreams are all but impossible. I understand the burning bridges thing to some extent. I create Yahoo Messenger accounts and delete them frequently, because they get polluted with people I don't want anything to do with (people I can't relate to, so I cut my losses). But to pull away completely from what society wants, you would have to become a sort of modern caveman. People have done it, we just don't hear about them because they are no longer a part of society. You would have to give up money and technology. I would bore myself to death sitting alone in the deep woods the rest of my lonely life. The world will change, as it always does. That is why people invent things, because it is our nature to never be satisfied with the way things are. They could always be "better". And look where we are after countless centuries of "improving" things. Driving a car is no better today, than riding a horse was in the past. I don't know if you understand much of this, but I suspect you do. The sense of total freedom you get when you can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone...having nothing to tie you down...no goals, living in the moment, just you and the world...is unbelievable. Sorry about my long posts, everyone, but if anyone reads this thread this far please reply.
 
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C

camoranesi

Member
EndlessBlackRibbon said:
Nobody understands me. I don't know if it is because I am more intelligent than everyone else, but when you sit alone thinking for years you get better at thinking. I see other people with jobs or cars or silly worries and feel I am seeing more of reality than they are. Everyone is inside of a bubble and I am looking in at them asking "why". But I know the answers to all my questions already. To ask the causes of the irrational decisions of others is illogical. I have never met anybody who can speak at my "level". People seem to think I am rude and disrespectful, when all I am doing is seeking someone as intelligent as I am. I have no desire to be "liked" by anyone. I have no wants or desires at all. I aimlessly hitch hiked across the states in pursuit of like-minded people and found none. I feel like a dinosaur...like my "species" of intelligent people has gone extinct and I am all that remains, doomed to live a miserable life searching for another dinosaur that doesn't even exist. I would not give up my intelligence for happiness. Where do people like me go? I hitch hiked back to Indiana when I found out how alone I really was. I have nobody here, and there is nothing out there to pursue. I thought I could find someone like-minded in the homeless population, but they are almost all drug addicts and criminals, not philosophers as I am. I will never give up all hope, because then my life would be completely meaningless. I live to find someone I can understand, who understands me. I have complete freedom, no job, few "possessions", the whole world is out there, but it is a whole lot of nothing without someone who understands. Everyone thinks I am crazy and should be drugged, but they can't help being fools. If anyone is offended by this please don't attack me, I meant no harm. I could write a thick book about my thoughts, but nobody would understand, and I dont believe in money, so there would be no reason to tell anyone anything. Does anyone relate to any of this? I am 18 years old and I still have many more years of suffering before I die alone and miserable. It is my destiny...
Click to expand...

U must search some philosophy forums, what your problem(if u have one) is not SA
 
E

EndlessBlackRibbon

Member
Hi Remus, thanks for the reply. I have no disorders, and there is nothing wrong with me. But that doesn't stop people less intelligent than I, who have documents saying they know what they are talking about, who went to school for years longer than I and kissed infinately more @$$, from giving me false diagnoses and trying to drug me. I know how the world works. Anyone who does not relate to much of what I am saying is simply a fool. If anyone gets offended by being called a fool, it is probably because they aknowledge it is true. I am the most intelligent person alive (I don't completely believe that, but in the world I live in, I have seen no reason to question otherwise). No offense to anyone, please don't attack me over any of what I have said, it would be futile anyway.
 
NathanielWingatePeaslee

NathanielWingatePeaslee

Iä! Iä! Cthulhu fhtagn!
Staff member
..........

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mrb

mrb

Well-known member
EndlessBlackRibbon said:
Hi Remus, thanks for the reply. I have no disorders, and there is nothing wrong with me. But that doesn't stop people less intelligent than I, who have documents saying they know what they are talking about, who went to school for years longer than I and kissed infinately more @$$, from giving me false diagnoses and trying to drug me. I know how the world works. Anyone who does not relate to much of what I am saying is simply a fool. If anyone gets offended by being called a fool, it is probably because they aknowledge it is true. I am the most intelligent person alive (I don't completely believe that, but in the world I live in, I have seen no reason to question otherwise). No offense to anyone, please don't attack me over any of what I have said, it would be futile anyway.
Click to expand...

no way are you more intelligent than me :) i can count backwards from 50 to nothing :)
 
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