Help with bullying at university!

[firefly15]

Sorry for the long winded nature of this post, but I could really use the rant and some advice:
I've been at Uni for a year and a half now and it's getting really rough. When I got here the whole process of making friends was awful, but I managed to get over most of the nerves and psyche myself up enough to find some people that I got on with. Then this guy, "frenemy no.1", integrated himself into the group and ever since I've been taunted and bullied so badly by him that I'm really considering leaving.
He always teased people in the group and would occasionally go to far with it. When he eventually got round to me I think he realised how low my confidence is and how weak I am at defending myself, because he just kept at it until it stopped being a joke any more. I've been bullied all my life, resulting in my self esteem being pretty much rock bottom at the best of times and I just didn't know how to deflect his teasing when it stopped being funny and started being cruel. Pretty soon it became a behavioural pattern where he was now pretty nice to everyone else whilst alternating between being civil to me and bullying me for hours on end. The others would even join in to an extent until they realised how much it was getting to me and stopped.
I've ended up trapped into living with him this year, due to friends agreeing to let him live with us without asking me, but things did seem to initially improve. For the first couple of months the bullying stopped and we actually talked like proper friends for the first time ever. Then, suddenly with no explanation things took a nose dive and now I don't know what to do. He will constantly exclude me by talking over me saying "nobody cares", calling me "stupid" or saying "why don't you just go home" and stand in my way so I can't be part of the group. He'll even push me if I try to walk vaguely near him or hit me in the face with his scarf/hat while I'm trying to do something (which I realise sounds kind of funny but is really not after 10+ minutes of it). His very newest things is to throw all my bedding and cushions down the stairs or to padlock my cupboards and simply refuse to unlock it. He's a hefty 20+ stone, so there really isn't anything I can do as a 19 year old girl to stop him physically and I just can't reason with him when it becomes too much. I don't understand why he does it either, he's a couple of years older than the rest of us but it's all so childish and I can't see why a person would be so cruel for no reason.
What's hard is that although everyone else is starting to get angry with him due to his being generally rude, selfish or messy etc. they won't confront him or stand up for me because they just want to avoid him starting on them. I've tried to confront him, but after years of suppressing anger in these situations and avoiding confrontation I just don't know how to deal with it and even if I do tell him how I feel I will still have to live with him until at least June.
I know it would help for me to meet new people but I get so anxious around strangers and with the new plummet in my confidence that this bullying has brought about the prospect is even more terrifying than usual. If anyone has any similar stories and advice on how to keep going I'd be really grateful. I'm really not enjoying my course this year partly because I can't really do it and partly because "he" is also in most of my classes. It's all just added up and I don't see what's keeping me at university any more. I have never been a quitter and I don't want to have wasted all this money and time for nothing, but I don't know how I'll cope if I stay. Every day is really becoming an emotional uphill struggle. ::
Sorry again for the giganticness of this and thank you to anyone who replies!

 

[SonicMan]

I knew a few people from school who were a bit like that. I would always worry about having to walk past them in the hallways. I never did anything about it though. Sorry I can't be much help but I know how much damage he must be doing to your confidence. If he is causing trouble you could try talking to a teacher about it. I don't know what else to say but I hope things get better for you.

 

[AsTimeBurns]

What do your other friends think of the situation? Also, what uni are you at out of interest?

 

[firefly15]

What do your other friends think of the situation? Also, what uni are you at out of interest?

They kind of acknowledge it and a couple of them have talked to me about how they don't condone it, but mostly they just act like it's not happening.
And I'm at UCL.

 

[AsTimeBurns]

They kind of acknowledge it and a couple of them have talked to me about how they don't condone it, but mostly they just act like it's not happening.
And I'm at UCL.

Are they more friendly with this guy than with you? By which I mean, if you made a stand and told them you can't be around him anymore and they had to choose, do you think they would pick you or him? Because if you're relatively certain they would pick you, you could just be honest and tell them what's going on and how it is affecting you. It might be difficult, but if they are friends they should understand. It's also possible that the guy isn't meaning to be malicious and maybe he think's he's just teasing you and doesn't really know how to handle the situation. Although it's also quite possible he's just a prick.

If not, I'm not sure what exactly to suggest, if you're not willing or able to confront your other friends or him personally about it. Maybe just grit your teeth, get through this year and then find somewhere else to live next year?

 

[***deleted***]

Don't let this guy run you out of your university. I would look for a new place to live next semester. Maybe if you tell enough people how big of an ass he is, he will get shunned. Most people don't like immature pricks. Or maybe you and the rest of the people you live with can through him out.

 

[PhantomPod]

First, don't let a jerk like him make you end up quitting college. You're there to get your own education, don't let him take that away from you.

Second, I'm surprised to read that you are a girl and he is a slightly older guy who is picking on you like this. It is not only odd that he would be mean and rude to someone, but I find it odd that he would treat a girl like that. He clearly has problems himself, you know the whole "he's too insecure in himself that he picks on you cause he thinks it makes him look funny and cool" type thing. That's really what it sounds like.

It sucks that you're stuck living with him until June, but please try not to let him get to you so much that you get so anxious that you just want to quit school.

If I were you, I'd just try to distance myself from him. I know it's tough when you're living with him, but I'd just do things like not sit near him (or even acknowledge him) in the classes that you share. If he says ignorant things like "nobody cares" when you try to say something, just give him a "what the **** ever, buddy" type look. Don't look sad and hurt about it, cause he's really not worth it that him saying "nobody cares" needs to make you feel bad about yourself. Just turn it right back around and give him a look like you don't care what he has to say. You don't have to verbally confront him if you do not want to, but just try to express that what he does does not bother you. It seems like he knows that it's getting to you, so he just keeps on at it.

Also, maybe when you're with your other friends you could just say things to rag on him about what a jerk he's been. It sounds like they have noticed his behavior as well and that they will agree with you. If it gets back to him that you were "talking about him behind his back" it seems like he might be the type to confront you about it, but hey, better him started the confrontation than you, if you're not big on starting **** like he clearly is.

Anyway, those are just my thoughts. Good luck. I really hope you stick it out and don't leave school just because of a jackass like him. Just stay focused on your classes and getting your school work done and just concentrate on things that make you happy like your favorite TV shows, movies, music, whatever, until you're able to make it to the end of this school year so you don't have to live with him any longer. Stay strong! Don't let him belittle you. He's not worth it!

 

[EasySkanking]

^some good points made already for you firefly

It's really sad, I thought you were going to say that you're a guy too... but holy **** a guy picking on a girl? That's ****ed up!

I don't know if you can do this, but I would try to see If I could get a restraining order on him or something (see what you can do), are there "counselors" or security or something similar @ uni? (sorry I never went)... there's always options - you don't have put up with such BS unless you choose to indirectly, by not doing anything about it. Anything you do about it will give you results.

God how I wish I could be there and kick the **** out of this guy. I'm not violent or anything, but **** like this just pisses me off and I just want to teach people like that a lesson 8).

Good luck!

 

[NGP]

^some good points made already for you firefly

It's really sad, I thought you were going to say that you're a guy too... but holy **** a guy picking on a girl? That's ****ed up!

I don't know if you can do this, but I would try to see If I could get a restraining order on him or something (see what you can do), are there "counselors" or security or something similar @ uni? (sorry I never went)... there's always options - you don't have put up with such BS unless you choose to indirectly, by not doing anything about it. Anything you do about it will give you results.

God how I wish I could be there and kick the **** out of this guy. I'm not violent or anything, but **** like this just pisses me off and I just want to teach people like that a lesson 8).

Good luck!

could not agree with you more. tell me when you go so we can beat the **** out of him together. half joking.

 

[TheNewZero]

I'm sorry, this sounds like such a tricky situation. This is what I think is the "right" thing to do, but probably not a very good solution for someone with AS.

Report him. If you're living in university housing, this should be relatively easy- just go to whoever's in charge of housing for your building like a dorm advisor. If it's private housing, speak with your landlord and tell him that he's physically assaulting you. What he's doing is assault, and it's illegal. Give him a warning the next time he does something like this- i.e. pushing you or hitting you in the face with a scarf- and tell him that if he touches you again you will file a report. You can also call a private meeting with the rest of your friends in the building and tell them your concerns and that you will be doing this or suggest that you have a group meeting with him telling him his behaviour is unacceptable and that if he doesn't stop, he'll be asked to leave. If your friends aren't on board with you, then in all honesty do you really want to be friends with them? No one should be subjected to that in their own home, and you are an adult who should be treated like such.

Also make sure that you're making it clear that you don't like or appreciate what he's doing. I've noticed that a lot of times I let people walk all over me because I don't stand up for myself or let people know that what they're doing actually bothers me. It should be obvious that most people won't like getting insulted or pushed, but I don't know maybe he just likes to rough house with girls?

Good luck, that really sounds like a sucky situation.

 

[panicsurvivor]

God how I wish I could be there and kick the **** out of this guy. I'm not violent or anything, but **** like this just pisses me off and I just want to teach people like that a lesson 8).

Good luck!

You took the words right out of my mouth! I have rarely seen guys treating girls like this. But I have seen it. I imagine he is probably quite a bit worse to the guys he decides to give a hard time. The way I see it you have a couple of options.
1. Just make yourself a ghost. He doesn't matter. Just ignore him when he is around, and if you can leave the instant he arrives. Don't act angry or scared, at least on the surface. This will deprive him of the reaction he wants.
2. Beat him at his own game. This is what I would do, but I don't think you should do this. I am a confrontational person, you probably aren't. But if you want to try it might work. Insult him back. When he says "nobody cares" say something like "they might if their IQ is higher than 5". When he physically is messing with you, you can make fun of him for messing with girl. If he throws your stuff around throw his around back. He locks your cupbords lock his. Like I said you may not want to try this because it could get messy, and more trouble than it is worth to you. You sound like a sweet person, who doesn't want to get into a battle with someone. I don't know this guy so he might be more dangerous than a typical bully so maybe be careful trying this.
3. Appeal to your other friends. Why the **** is no one helping you with this. If one of my friends was being treated like this, I would be all over it. No one treats my friends like this and gets away with it. If you and all your friends want this guy out but are afraid, Easy is right get security to help. Or the police. If you all are united and tell him to leave there is nothing he can do about it. If no one else feels the same way, then closetnerd is right just put your head down and deal with it until you can find another place to live. Just don't let this drive you out of school that is the most important thing. This will all be a memory later on. But school is your future that is much more important than some prick bully.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Wow I wouldn't know what to do. Since "what the f*** is your problem" doesn't seem to work, I would probably end up putting tarantulas in his bed. And skittles in his beer.

 

[firefly15]

Thanks so, so much to everyone who has replied, having some solidarity is making me feel better and more confident about the situation already. Particularly where school is concerned, you're all right in saying I shouldn't let him force me out. It's just so much, I've been bullied before but never physically and I'm just as confused as you as to why he does it to a girl half his size in height and width. Maybe it's a power thing or he thinks it makes him look cool but people who see him pushing me around in the street must think it's awful.
At the moment my strategy is to avoid him as much as possible and keep out his way, which works reasonably well. The thing is he has a habit of imposing himself on me- I can be happily talking to someone out of his way and he will stop what he is doing just to come over and start being a jerk. He'll even come into my room when he's bored and sit on my bed like any of my friends do when they want to talk, except he'll just stay silent or be cruel and snide and refuse to move for the entire afternoon when I try to get some work done. When I'm feeling stronger in myself it's easier to deflect (like today when all your great advice bolstered me up this morning), but on the bad days when all the shyness and self confidence issues get it the way is when I feel I can't cope with it.
As much as the idea of getting him kicked out is appealing, I live in private housing and I don't see how it would work. He's signed on the contract now and it would jeopardise housing for my flatmates too since we'd have to find someone else to pay in his place within the month. Then there's the fact that he'd still be on my course every day anyway. I think I'll just have to stick it out- another of my housemates expressed his views about this guy be an "annoying idiot" to me today so I will ask them if they'd consider moving out with me next year.

To anyone who's offered to beat him up for me be my guest, although I'd warn you he's really huge so you might need a few of you. And I'm definitely a fan of the tarantulas in the bed scenario, if only I could find some...

 

[kc1980]

Hi Firefly,

I just read about how this guy is harassing you, I first only read it diagonally in the morning, and thought about it during the day, but then now I read all the details, and it made me really upset to read about how he thought that he could permit himself to do all that to you! It's totally unacceptable! Unbelievable that he dared to do this, but unfortunately there are people like that.:: It's clear that he's a very frustrated and emotionally immature person. He sounds like a real creep.

Still, just realising that you're far superior to him will not take away the nuisance. You have to really be very strict and tough on him, the next time he dares to touch you, even indirectly, stand in your way, intrude in your room without being invited, tells you anything remotely inappropriate, tell him that he has to stop immediately, and that it's the last warning, and that otherwise you'll make a complaint. You're totally in your right, as apparantly you have already asked him to stop countless times before. In a sense you're lucky that he goes as far as pushing you, because then you have a crystal clear example of a behaviour which is totally out of line. Sometimes bullies are more refined and they stop in the grey area where they feel they are still safe, and they will only make verbal attacks.

I would go talk to someone responsible at your university as soon as possible. Every large organisation should have some policy against bullying. Let them know what's happening, they then will tell you what to do. Maybe they will organize a meeting with him to ask what his problem is and tell him to stop it or face the consequences. This will be enough to scare that type of person a lot. And if that doesn't help you have the right to make a formal complaint. If I were a responsible, I would consider expelling him if he continued after that. It might of course cause a lot of tensions on the short term. But you can look at it from the bright side. This might be an excellent opportunity for you to really learn to stand up for yourself and do things which will help you in overcoming your anxiety, and which will make you stronger. Anyway, if you want to talk you can always let me know.
I myself have thankfully not been bullied at university in that way, but I was very lonely due to social anxiety and self-isolation. I did however get into a situation a bit similar when I was a teacher, with certain undisciplined students, when I did not stand up for myself enough, and ended up having to quit the job. Now I can look back and see where I made the mistake of not daring to take action. At least now I probably will not let that happen again to me.
Good luck, you can overcome this, and in any case you shouldn't feel alone, there are plenty of people here on your side, maybe also around you, who will support you.