help, i need somebody :)

[appletree]

hullo people, I don't really know what to write here.
I find it very difficult to interact with other people, it feels as though i live my life in fast motion and I'm always involved in strange situations, I crave a normal life but normality continues to elude me, I think that people think I am a very eccentric person.
I feel dissasosiated from real life, and find real life very difficult to deal with, I don't seem to be able to slow my thoughts down and I think that I adhd or something like that.
I feel very lonely sometimes, and frightened.
I'm frightened of words, and reading because I find reading an absolute nightmare, I think about god a lot and ideas and concepts like that, I'm trying to be as honest as possible here, I try to be nice to everybody that i meet however people think i'm distant and i get scared that i will come across as a little bit slow because of how much my thoughts are racing.
I like playing guitar, and elliott smith, nick drake and musicians like that.
I wish that I was a different person sometimes and find it difficult to be myself because of how i can't focus on things.
This all seems very negative so i'll try and lighten it up a bit by saying that I have a good sense of humour in spite of all of this, i have a very childlike disposition and I love playing computer games, especially old ones like sonic.
i hope somebody out there can relate to me and gets in touch.
<3 -Mark.

 

[goofy]

Hi Appletree... You've described me in a nutshell here. I am getting ready to attend a company lunch social event and my heart is beating extra hard right now as I think about it. I could easily avoid the entire thing, but I try to go to social things like this. I see other associates leaving for it right now and it often feels like nobody cares about me. They are all off leaving in their own groups and here I am by myself as usual. I know I'm not a very good conversationalist. I'm not sure how to change who I am. Boring is how I've been my entire life. I hate it!

 

[MadCat]

Hey Apple, I'm also old-school when it comes to computer games as well. I still play stuff that people laugh at. Good old days of Sonic, haha I still play it.

 

[thor01]

Nice song reference in the title haha.
Yeah, I'm very similar, I can relate too, I love music and older games, and feel the same in other areas

 

[freespirit27]

hope

Hi Mark, my names Sean. About 8 years ago, I went through 3 years of personal hell. It all started when I woke up one day and couldn't smile, I then began going introverted, didn't have much to say anymore, I found it so frustrating because I would have been an outgoing person. On top of this I became increasing paranoid and started blushing around people, sweating a lot and anxiety attacks all the time. my mind was racing too, thoughts on top of thoughts, was not always easy to focus or concentrate. I cut myself off from people and basically hid away not wanting to venture out, this however was difficult as I was attending college and working in Mcdonalds which made it tough. People treat you differently when you don't act the norm, I kept all of this to myself. I felt like I was trapped in a prison from the inside, like I became the shadow of my former self, I just didn't fit into society. From college, I went travelling with my sister to U.K to work in order to save to go to travelling. Considering the way I was, it surprises me that I plucked up the courage to go off, and I am glad for the experience even though though there was a lot of negative events on the trip. It was here where I knew I needed Jesus because I knew that no person could help me, I met a christian there and asked him to pray with me because I wanted to invite Jesus into my heart, strange incidents happened after that, people telling me to read the bible who were from the same place in South Africa as me, where I lived when I was younger. I landed up in Gibraltar, living on a boat drinking like a fish, alcohol was cheap, on top of this, smoking lots of hash. It was a way of escape, it seemed like a temporary cure, but I didn't know when to stop. after 3 months in Gibraltar, I came back to Ireland, and started a part time job, still with anxiety attacks phobic blushing and constant fear that I would blush and people would notice, my whole body used to heat up, it was torment. I would also binge drink. after about a year, everything began changing, I had gone over to U.K to visit my sister and her boyfriend and family, while I was there, we we went with sister and boyfriends friends to london for concert, I had a bag of weed in one hand and ecstacy pills in the other. I liked ecstacy but was afraid that they were responsible for my condition(I'm sure they contributed to it), I didn't take any and when I came back to Ireland everything changed, I seemed to come out of my introverted state and constant fear and anxiety and got another job in order to save money to travel round the world. It was as if God honoured my repentance of not doing those ecstacy pills and He began restoring my life. I honestly didn't believe God loved me, and was constantly tormented in my mind, I used to cry out to God to help me but He didn't seem to, until all of this began happening. In september of that year I went on to travel the world with a few others. (India, Nepal,Thailand,Australia,New Zealand,Cooke Islands) I wanted to catch up on the life I though I'd missed from the past 3 years, partying, meeting girls(one night stands etc). I even had a couple of girlfriends over my travels(month or more relationships). I remember my friend I was travelling with in Australia, was into new age religion, and used to speak to me with a lot of wisdom, and I prayed to God in my room(basically in my heart asked if what my firend was saying was true) and hours later when I left the room after chilling out, I was walking on the street, and there was a group of christians playing music and singing on the street handing out tracts, and the tract basically answered my prayer which really made me think, it was a direct answer from God. It was basically saying that Jesus is the truth, that He is the only way of salvation. Now after this event, I didn't change my ways, I was still meeting different girls and drinking and doing whatever I wanted. But it came to a point where I thought, is this it, everyone seemed to be getting so excited about these parties and I just wasn't, I wanted more, that life had have some purpose, what are we all here for? When I came back to Ireland from the trip, I went out a couple of times and got drunk, I was a bit of a loner back in Ireland, it was like returning to a place of a lot of bad memories although I was much better in myself. I decided I didn't want to do this anymore, and asked God for a new life, new friends and I basically started going to a baptist church and then onto a pentecostal one. God answered my prayer and provided me with new friends, people that loved me. People I could be honest with and share my past with, it was really wonderful. I still had a problem with my mind racing, and felt tormented at times. but anyways, after several months, I went up to Kilkenny where there was a chrisitan group from Northern Ireland. And two from this group spoke with me and I shared with them about my life, things that had happened, personal stuff, and they prayed with me, this took I hours I think, I was praying to. THey annointed me with oil, and prayed for the Holy spirit to come upon me which happened over the next few days, I was set free, was filled with joy, with peace, felt the love of God, couldn't stop listening to worship music, it was AMAZING. JESUS became so real, my life hasn't been the same since. He loves you mark, call on His name(JESUS) and don't give up. He set me free and He can do the same for you, I'm living in Cork at the moment, but if ever you want to talk or meet up, just hangout, you can contact me on: [email protected]


I then turned to drink which didn't help matters.

 

[appletree]

religion is an interesting topic, though i don't think i would want to limit myself by embracing only christianity, i prefer eastern religions because they make a lot more sense to me (that's not to say they do to everyone, everybody is entitled to their own opinion)
thank you very much for your kind words and support, I will tell you about something that happened to me only recently because I think that it might interest you.

I was going to leave england just over a week ago i think (adhd has absolutly obliterated my concept of time) annyway, right i was about to leave and go to somewhere like france for a few days, I wasn't thinking straight at all and didn't really plan things out properly, I met a man at the station and i got talking to him and it turned out that he had a lot of the same mental problems as me, adhd/bipolar and things like that, he was 43 i think and he had left his wife in the middle of the night to get a train to dublin, we spoke for about 10 minutes about how everything is connected and how people are all just basically the same, anyway I got the train and I was thinking about him and writing about him, I got to london and decided that it was a bad idea and came home.
however a few days later i was running late for work and we bumped into each other at the bus stop, he doesn't even live in coundon and he was only there because he was visiting his sister on that day. he said he was really worried about me and we spoke on the bus for a short while and then i got off because I had work.
weird eh?
it really freaked me out to see him there.