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hi everybody,
im a 21 year old female and have struggled with mostly social anxiety and depression for the better part of my life.
funny is that i used to be an extremely social and outgoing child, took every chance that presented itself to be an entertainer and get attention and sang and danced and made conversation with every stranger i saw. actually almost got kidnapped bc of that once lol i didnt realize it until many years later though and that he didnt really have a bunny in his car for me.
after my mother died shortly after i turned 8 everything changed dramatically. i stopped talking to everyone all together and spent every minute of the day alone, drawing. at times i would be so lost in my own world that i would be starring at someone and see them talking and even yelling at me after a while and just not hear anything they said, it sounded like i was under water. i felt like an observer, like i wasnt really there. i was also bullied in school relentlessly for my mother being dead.
my father was 68 at the time and had never planned to be a single parent for the first time at that age. he struggled a lot with having to do it on his own and took his frustration out on me. he is a male chauvinist and had my mother do everything around the house while she was fighting cancer. therefore after she died the house became more and more hoarded and i had to sleep in his bed bc my room was not accessible. much later i realized how narcissistic and manipulative he is and that has ****ed me over a good amount lol
so i have trust, abandonment, mommy + daddy issues, have a very poor self image and am very paranoid and anxious. i have problems with my femininity as well and have always felt dirty, wrong and not acceptable as a woman for some reason. i cannot accept myself i guess.
it almost seems surreal to me that people can make friends in person and hang out with someone. how the **** do they do that lol in general the thought that anyone i encounter could like me and want to be in contact with me feels pretty surreal.
i have problems getting motivated to do anything at all, even things i enjoy, or leave the house. i never leave the house by myself and being in public by myself makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable and i feel so observed... and so i always try to find the fastest way to get back home and crawl into a whole.
therefore i dont have any friends anymore that i have actually met IRL. i have met people online though that i have become friends with and that is kind of what im hoping to do here. bc contrary to my social anxiety, i am a very social person and have a big need to talk, i could talk to someone day and night.
so yeah, that is that for now :shyness: just thought i'd introduce myself. nice to meet you all
im a 21 year old female and have struggled with mostly social anxiety and depression for the better part of my life.
funny is that i used to be an extremely social and outgoing child, took every chance that presented itself to be an entertainer and get attention and sang and danced and made conversation with every stranger i saw. actually almost got kidnapped bc of that once lol i didnt realize it until many years later though and that he didnt really have a bunny in his car for me.
after my mother died shortly after i turned 8 everything changed dramatically. i stopped talking to everyone all together and spent every minute of the day alone, drawing. at times i would be so lost in my own world that i would be starring at someone and see them talking and even yelling at me after a while and just not hear anything they said, it sounded like i was under water. i felt like an observer, like i wasnt really there. i was also bullied in school relentlessly for my mother being dead.
my father was 68 at the time and had never planned to be a single parent for the first time at that age. he struggled a lot with having to do it on his own and took his frustration out on me. he is a male chauvinist and had my mother do everything around the house while she was fighting cancer. therefore after she died the house became more and more hoarded and i had to sleep in his bed bc my room was not accessible. much later i realized how narcissistic and manipulative he is and that has ****ed me over a good amount lol
so i have trust, abandonment, mommy + daddy issues, have a very poor self image and am very paranoid and anxious. i have problems with my femininity as well and have always felt dirty, wrong and not acceptable as a woman for some reason. i cannot accept myself i guess.
it almost seems surreal to me that people can make friends in person and hang out with someone. how the **** do they do that lol in general the thought that anyone i encounter could like me and want to be in contact with me feels pretty surreal.
i have problems getting motivated to do anything at all, even things i enjoy, or leave the house. i never leave the house by myself and being in public by myself makes me extremely anxious and uncomfortable and i feel so observed... and so i always try to find the fastest way to get back home and crawl into a whole.
therefore i dont have any friends anymore that i have actually met IRL. i have met people online though that i have become friends with and that is kind of what im hoping to do here. bc contrary to my social anxiety, i am a very social person and have a big need to talk, i could talk to someone day and night.
so yeah, that is that for now :shyness: just thought i'd introduce myself. nice to meet you all
