He broke up with me rugs

[vj288]

I've been the unhealthy, unwell, depressed, lonely, and desperate half of an ending relationship before, and I can tell you from experience not being direct and clear with him probably is going to do more harm in the long run than good. I know it's tough, just because you don't want to be with him doesn't mean you want him to hurt and be in pain, but if he thinks it isn't over, or that it's just a break, he's going to live as if you will be together, and basically you've going to have to break up with him all over again, and it isn't going to any less difficult. It may even make him feel worse about himself, like he's a charity case, with him questioning how long you wanted to leave, but didn't for his benefit. Did you ever care about him or have you stuck around in fear that leaving would lead to something bad happening to him? he may think. Like Sacrament said, you're not his babysitter. It'll feel patronizing when he gets out of the fog.

I think in a case like this, it's like a band-aid and it's best to just rip it off. It might be a band aid on a really hairy arm that will smart like hell, but peeling little by little, and then reapplying it when the wound starts to show, then pulling a little more...it's worse.

 

[PugofCrydee]

He thinks we are still together. We arent in my mind - but I said we are to him - I said yes to his stuff because I couldnt say no.

This is a reason why I stay away from people - I can lack assertiveness.

I think I said this to you before in another post, something you need to do is make it clear you're not interested anymore, make the boundaries VERY clear.

If you muddy the waters at all... he will think you're still interested and you'll get no peace.

 

[FountainandFairfax]

You've got to bite the bullet and tell him it's over.

If this were a face-to-face breakup, I'd tell you that letting him down easy wasn't such a bad idea, since people have been known to lose their shit in those situations, but we're past that.

Break it off, cry your eyes out, and remember how bad this sucks so it won't happen again.

You can do it, Grape.

 

[grapevine]

Okay so we are just friends now. Hes doing things for himself - said it was a wake up call to him. Showed me he had moved his exercise equipment in his room and working out and things now.

I said told him I cannot be in a relationship and prob even for a year. I found it hard to be very blunt and he kept wanting a glimor of hope. But he said that he may go off me in that time so that is something.

Havent seen him in person for many days now and its going to be staying that way. We have both acknowleged that. And also that he feels he doesnt want to be in a relationship right now too. But the thing is the messaging - Im okay to still do that - but to limit it more and more as time goes on. But its the love hearts and things he still does that concerns me - but I think it will go with time. He knows where I stand anyway. Its difficult but the fact that he is working on himself and finding his own things to concentrate on now Im not there gives me hope that he will be able to just be a friend in person later on.

I will always say no from now on too. I will never be in a relationship with him. And it might come that we cannot be friends. I dont know and we have talked about it so I feel better.

Its the sway and the old routines that just take time to leave and cutting the tyes. Its too hard to do it all at once and I think he knows deep down a relationship is not best for him.

So I think its okay and in the good spot again. There'll be hiccups. But showing where I stand and limiting time online with him is a good start.

Im just worried that he thinks that by doing all these things he is going to win me back. Its not going to happen. But he might discover and expand his world by doing these things he has started to do and find a new life etc. Since he has been off his medication - he has had motivation and able to actually talk directly with him- hes had the energy to actually do things. So Im happy for him. He even talked about wanting to go on tablets and lower his dose of his medication because he felt a big difference in being off it - but knows he needs to be on it at the same time.

Anyway. My goals are to limit chatting to him online as we arent seeing each other in person. I need to forget about a future with him because I never wanted one- he was not the right person. But somewhere down the line I would like to be casual friends and I think that can be done. But not till time passes and he does his own things to build him up.

And me - Im all over the place atm. I got very stressed from him thinking wed get back togehter and knowing that he wants that - but I have the ball in my court and I will always say no anyway.

Im not going out with anyone for sometime anyway. Its way too much giving - esp after with him. I lost myself and have to try to pick up where I left off and get my health on track for myself.

 

[Sacrament]

Get your own routine going and make that your number 1 priority. Take care of yourself and the ones closest to you, and do the things you felt you couldn't do when you were with him.

 

[grapevine]

Yes thanks : )

 

[grapevine]

Things happened again : /

He cried to me in distress. Its in my journal.

Now I jsut feel so depressed and tugged and dont know what im doing. I feel like I have to be the adult and forget about my stuff again you know.

 

[Sacrament]

Tell him that he needs to find a therapist that will guide him into being a more stable person, and that hanging out with you will not be a healthy decision in the long run, especially when you decide to date other people.

 

[grapevine]

Well he did it again. After he saw this post I wrote on my private/art and slight journal/reference page I have (he was my only friend on there- different to my main page). Anyways he thinks I get abusive at him because I write things like this:

Im sorry but its a huge huge huge stresser when that person close to you does crazy things that you cannot understand, that make you cringe, make you feel uneased and make you want to hide away from that person. And then, knowing that that person cannot help that their reality is skewed somewhat because of an illness and that they cannot help it and then its just all so damn hard. Makes you have this huge bag of mixed feelings constantly. Makes me act out in crazy ways out of spite and trying to mirror the feelings. I honestly feel so so so thrown about with it all. All the time.

I could not help it. Hes been doing weird stuff lately. He doesnt like to even talk about it because he thinks I nag. So what else choice do I have? Its my private account and I needed to be authentic. Ive got PMS too lol.

Anyways- he defriended me then sent me a message saying that he didnt want to be with me anymore if the things he does in his life cause me to be abusive to him.
I have not been abusive Ive helped him. And the moment I be honest and just say whats up in my journal- he gets terribly upset. But its so weid because if you look at his youtube channel :https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC9DRmeKXQX6Z3ZPJcA6m9Gw/videos
he does these weird videos of his face and thats it. Its creepy. And the thing is that he would come over to my place all the time and go at the side of the house and film himself there and then put it on Youtube. And just all the other stuff''
But how could anyone if they were this guy's partner not be stressed by this?
Anyways- im feeling de-shackled as Ive mourned this relationship some time ago. Lets see if he sticks to it though.
I just dont like that I hurt him bad and that he calls me abusive. I mean am I was I so harsh? I ve looked back on my PMS posts on my page before and saw they were quite the rough.

But last time (which I did really rip it to him because he was ripping at me) I wrote and told him that it really stressed me out that he would talk about having kids with me ana house and so on and yet have absolutely no desire to in ways to actually acheive any of that.
And him and his sister labeled that as being abusive because apparrently he took it badly. If your in a relationship with someone - esp in your middel 30s- you want to have a plan to grow. Not that I wanted those things with him- but that I wanted to show him that why was he entertaining the idea all the time when it wasnt fruitful you know? And showing him that I too have a mental illness and those type of things plant the seeds of anxiety in me etc.

Anyways, he said he thought long and hard and wants to pull the pin on this relationship (which is a GOOD THING). He said that if I liked we could still be friends later on, but not atm. Then he said he would come over in a fortnight to give me my things.

So lets just hope that this time he is not going to be a lumping heap of a mess and be crying and not want to live unless he is in a relationship with me. He said he was okay from that message, better than he thought he was. But the thing with him is that he cant keep to things really at all, planning and keeping to things he does spectacularly bad, all the time.

So my thing to do is no contact at all. Just try to concentrate on the things Id been trying to do but felt over-shadowed by him. Everytime Id see him - he had bad hygiene of wearing the same clothes for weeks and the smell was bad. Hed be on his phone all the time filming things and looking at his face on the phone and Id be talking to him to make talk.

 

[Sacrament]

After watching some of his videos and looking at some of his instagram posts, I'm surprised that you've dated him at all, or that you still interact with him.

 

[grapevine]

What you do when your lonely and dont want to hurt a person's feelings can actually be living in fear.
I take a seat back and I look at those videos and think exactly the same thing. At least as far as dating goes.

Interacting with someone despite them being kinda crazy - you take them as they are and things can become normal forever so how much they are crazy.

But isnt it funny how clearly a person can be beyond repair like that and present these videos and weird stuff online and not actually equate that into the mix at all of why a woman going out with him would be acting stressed and want to back away and cringe etc.

This whole thing has been a huge stress trip. There were two sides to him and I never really got a breather because things would be in his decision all that time, there were no real boundaries and he'd just turn up or want to coe over all of the time. And that pushing of those boundaries constantly, everyday, you get used to that- having to talk online and meet up everyday. When your lonely and ina bit of a depressed state - you become hopeful you'll have a good time going for a walk with a person and meeting up - that sort of thing, but of course with him, it would end in cringe usually - despite his loyalty and good listening skills and caring etc.

Just waking up wihtout the messaging and going for a walk somewhere is something to get used to now as its been a daily thing that even if I had tried to not do - he would ring up the home phone or turn up at my place - I couldnt get away even if I wanted to do, even when I just wanted my space for a bit. So I knew that it had to come down to him making a desciision to end it again and id been pushing trying to have my own time and being depressing, wanting him to actually do what he did.

In any case I cease interaction from him now. I dont have to live witht he burden of him on my shoulders. Hopefully he wont turn up or ring up or message me and change his mind because he does things like that- everything is never in concrete with him as he acts on his feelings going up and down and different personalities within them. So my best bet is to just forget about him and actually for once in a very long time - actually unwind myself from all that constant stress from him.

He came around this afternoon because he was worried and didnt hear from me.
He always cant stick to anything. But anyways- he was defending himself - he thinks I am abusive for that I wrote and yet thinks that millions of other people use the internet like he does and has videos the same as him on Youtube. IF you've seen his videos and Instagram you'd know that only those with some kind of skewed sense of being and paranoia, someone mentally ill would only really do videos like that.

He deluded about his own things. And so it puts me on this thing where Im the bad one lol. Oh well. At least I am not his girlfriend anymore. I feel I need to undo the damage of a dyfunctional person rubbing off on me.

 

[grapevine]

Just wanted to say reading back on this thread is very helpful to me from members responses.

 

[Megaten]

Woah haha, those videos are pretty damn weird alright.

 

[grapevine]

its funny how someone like myself can resort to a crazy person for a bf really, because they are the first to ask you out. From the very beginning he was not making sense, but to have any guy notice me was beyond a dream to me at the tine, and then lack of assertiveness and not wanting to hurt him plus some kind of co-dependency arose.

Ive grown alot now I must say. There will be a day where his name will not be written in here lol

I just feel bewildered with myself like Ive been dating a homeless person or something and didnt know it and then contracted rabies.

 

[theslowesthand]

Well i've never even been asked out by a CRAZY woman, let alone a sane one. But i suspect women don't do the "asking out" thing, but expect men to do it. The closest to it is: 1) a teen asked me 'do you have a girlfriend', 2) when i was a teen, my 2nd cousin said 'you can kiss me if you want' (i wished i had, as she was a real babe), 3) a young woman waited for me after work in canteen & said 'are you going home now?' -> i said 'yes' and left (i wasn't interested in her, didn't seem my type)

(this should probably be in another thread, but nevermind)

 

[grapevine]

lol

Where I work Ive seen some things I will say. I work for a charity group and Im a paying staff member but we also get volunteers in. Some of them are the funniest characters Ill never forget. In other words they are crazy.

I got asked out by an obese, cross-dressing man with a wobbly hand and a huge head aged in his 50s. Who liked to talk about his swinging days. (he apparrently turned up to work dressed as a lady on his first day and was ordered to go to Target and buy some proper clothes and shoes).

Also had an envelope put on my car window by this 60 plus ginger man who would come to our shop just to see me and talk to me about environment matters and interests for hours (Id be pollite but not able to get away). In his letter he asked me to join his particular dune care group (which I thought was nice- if he werent in it) and had his mobile number and so on. It was creepy. I would end up hiding in the shop when I knew he was around. lol

Then there was a 90 year old man that was still going strong. Liked to buy furniture from us and take his trailer. He would hold my hand and compliment my 'size' as I was a bit smaller than I am now. Well, to me anyway. He kept telling me that I should be married soon..

Might I add that I met Rugs at my work lol

There have been so many characters passed in my work that its funny all those years I thought I was crazy. It has made me rethink that.