hurting
Newspapers are filled with murders; suicides almost never, even though the suicide rate is twice the homicide. It's a taboo subject, we don't talk about it, and maybe we should.
I've never cut, I've never deliberately set out to cause myself pain, other that then suicide attempts, and those were actually a flight from pain. That said, I do physically scratch or hit myself to try to get rid of particularly agonizing memories. It's not something I have conscious control over.
I landed myself in hospital twice from overdoses, having to drink that almost impossible to swallow charcoal stuff.
I have a scar on the inside of my left wrist where I tried to slash it. Man that hurts.
I'm not brave enough to kill myself. I drank almost a whole bottle of neat gin one time, trying to lower my inhibitions enough to go through with hanging myself; still couldn't do it. It's a miracle I didn't die of alcohol poisoning.
The body is built from the genes up to protect itself. Suicide is hard. The amount of pain a person must be in to successfully commit it makes me cry to think about.
When I was working for the Samaritans, we were taught that it's very difficult to maintain such an extreme state of distress, and that if you can keep the person talking for an hour, it will most likely pass. So calling a suicide hotline might help if it all gets too much.
I haven't been actively suicidal the past four years, although I do still daydream sometimes about getting cancer or hit by a meteorite. Finding the right cocktail of meds has helped, as has therapy. As MercySparx says, get help.
I still hurt, but it's no longer overwhelming. I kinda want to see what happens to the world over the next forty years. I want to watch my nephews grow up.