Oh yea I definitely can relate to that.. in fact I remember feeling this way as early as like age 4 or 5... and it was to the point that I wouldn't even participate because I felt not only like an intruder, but also kind of unwanted. The earliest example I can remember is my friend Elizabeth inviting me over to go swimming one summer because they had a huge pool at their house... and I was SO excited because no one ever invited me anywhere and mom said I could go (I think I was like 8 at the time)... so I remember getting everything together and riding my bike all the way to her house so happy and so excited... and as I was coming around the corner I heard splashing and laughing and talking... I remember peering through the bushes and seeing her other friend there, Mandy... who I didn't really get long with so well.. and I just remember feeling like, anxious and nervous at first... I stood there frozen debating on whether or not to just be with them... but I couldn't move. And then this overwhelming feeling of betrayal came.. I felt totally crushed and completely replaced... I just turned around and went home, crying... And I think that if it had been me and Liz there first and then Mandy had come later.. it would have been a totally different story... because I would have already been there and been relaxed and "settled in" so to speak... Elizabeth never even called me to say "hey what happened"... I just felt so terrible about myself... After that I never went to any more invites, birthday party's, nothing...
And now I am like OCD about being punctual.. I mean like... I freak out if I am going to be late for anything.. to the point that it's almost psychotic. I have to be at least 2 hours early for movies (so people don't notice me come in) or like 1 hour early for the doctor or 30 min early for class, etc... And it has gotten to the point that I just never go anywhere that I don't have to anymore. I mean I don't even have any friends left to invite me places.. and quite frankly, that's almost a relief... I even feel like I am being a burden at the doctor sometimes.. wasting their time and stuff...
So anyway, yea I definitely know what you mean... I guess the excessive punctuality was a coping mechanism lol But even if I did have friends now, I know that unless I knew I was going to be the first one there.. I wouldn't show up at all. Total opposit of my cousin... she was once 4 hours late to her own Halloween party... I mean wtf... I just don't get ppl like that..
