Gossip/Trash-talking... and Jealousy

[Opaline]

I overheard a conversation on the bus the other day and I forgot about it until just now. It got me thinking about something that really frustrates me.

These two women were sitting in front of me, speaking loudly enough that I couldn't really concentrate on the book I had in my hands. One of them was trash-talking another woman to someone. From what I could see/hear she seemed like she was in her 20's, but the things she was saying made her sound like a high schooler (although... again, you know how females are, haha). I heard her saying things like, "Ugh, everyone tells her she's so pretty but she wears too much makeup and like, she just seems too enthusiastic about everything. Like can you really be that happy all the time?" and so on. Her friend interrupted her at one point and said something like, "I really don't think she's that bad. No offense, but I think she's nice and... to be honest you just sound jealous. It's been almost two years now so why are you still talking about her like that?" There was a beat or so of awkward silence - or maybe I was the only one feeling awkward, but I almost empathized with the trash-talker - and the other girl replied, "I'm definitely not jealous. I just find her annoying sometimes," and the friend said, "Well I'm sorry but you sound like it." The trash-talker said, "Trust me, I'm not," and the two of them were quiet for a bit, one checking her phone, the other looking out the window. The bus actually arrived at the station about 10 seconds after that so I couldn't hear how the rest of the conversation panned out. Bummer, hehe.

Now, this is nothing new. We all know people can be vicious. It does seem like most of the problem is with girls though - the cattiness and gossip. I've had my share, as well as heard other people's stories, of gossip and slander. Hell, I lived in a house with 10 other girls for 3 years in high school. People always like to say, "Oh, so and so is just jealous." I don't think this is always the case. Some people are just cruel or self-seeking. But many, many times I think some of these people do speak this way out of jealousy And it isn't always JUST females. But male or female, I think there are certain things that clue you in whether it's jealousy or not, like the time frame. I can't tell you how many times I've heard someone going on and on about someone, quite a while after an incident occurred or the person was out of his or her life. It makes you wonder why they're still so obsessed if this person is supposedly so inferior to them?

My younger sister is an example. She's only 15, but while she was in boarding school she was really jealous of one of her classmates. She didn't outright say she was (at least, not right away), but I could just tell. Even after she left boarding school for good, she would constantly bring this girl up and criticize her pictures on Facebook, trying to find any little thing wrong with her - although she didn't really believe these things, I don't think; she was just trying to convince herself. She seems mostly over it now, but once in a while she'll mention the girl and I'm just like, not this again... but I guess I can't talk, I bring stuff up over and over, they're just not specific people

What I'm kind of dreading is having to deal with this bitchiness all throughout my life. There is nothing so soul-sucking as a catty gossip. I certainly don't want any of those types in my personal life. If I discover someone is like that, sayonara. No toxic people, please. Not to say we don't all talk about others to some extent. But there's a fine line between that and being someone who constantly puts down others.

Anyway... I wanted to hear your thoughts on this. Do you think that girl was right - does trashing someone like that, or seemingly looking for flaws in them, make you sound jealous, or not necessarily? Because I hear that a LOT - "she's just jealous of you" - and I'm not sure how often it's true. When do YOU think it's jealousy and when is it just meanness or a love of gossip? Any personal experiences with this?

*I should probably note that a lot of times it's probably envy and not jealousy - people often confuse the two. It would only be jealousy if it's a perceived threat to a relationship or something similar, I would think.

 

[ImNotMyIllness]

I have a feeling WE ALL talk about people more than we realize. Personally, I try to keep away from people that gossip about others or talk negatively. It just makes me think, "what are they saying about me?"

That being said. It's natural for people to talk about other people i.e family, boss etc. But, there are some people that ALWAYS do it, or are very malicious and fake.

 

[jc972]

:thumbdown:

 

[skins]

i get what your saying in that it seems more common in females, but its definetly not limited to them...reminds me of an incident in univesity, these two guys were trash talking a guy saying "joe, look at him, he loves life" in a condescending way...he was just one of those happy go lucky, always chatty, full of energy/hyperactive type people...i think it just springs out of jealousy because they dont have the same zest for life.

 

[SoScared]

Many years ago on a radio talk show the caller, a taxi driver said that if there are 3 people in the taxi and one gets out the other two without exception will always talk bad about the person who got out even if the occasion/event had been going on just fine.

I’ve always remembered this call and have found what the taxi driver said to be true. It happens all the time. I’ve witnessed it a1’000 times. There is a group, one goes, the group talks negatively about the one who has gone.

I’ve learnt from this not to be bothered what people say about me as it does seem to be ingrained in human nature to talk bad about others. In some ways I think that it is the default small talk.

 

[Silatuyok]

Gossiping about others doesn't always imply jealousy...but I'd be willing to bet it almost always involves insecurity on the part of the trash talker.

 

[Opaline]

I don't know that unkind gossip is ever productive, but I genuinely don't think it's always jealousy.

Case in point, the female journalist Samantha Brick who wrote the article: "There are downsides to being this pretty. Why women hate me because I'm beautiful." Now, I'm sure it's probably the case that this woman has encountered jealousy, but I'd also wager that women don't take kindly to her because of the way she presents herself. She comes across as arrogant and self-obsessed.

Exerpt:

"And it is not just jealous wives who have frozen me out of their lives. Insecure female bosses have also barred me from promotions at work [...] not one girlfriend has ever asked me to be her bridesmaid.

It’s hard when everyone resents you for your looks. Men think “what’s the point, she’s out of my league” and don’t ask you out. And women don’t want to hang out with someone more attractive than they are."

Samantha Brick on the downsides to looking pretty: 'Why women hate me for being beautiful' | Mail Online

I don't think it's always jealousy, no.

Hahahaha, yessss. A friend of mine showed me this article. Funny stuff.

 

[Opaline]

Gossiping about others doesn't always imply jealousy...but I'd be willing to bet it almost always involves insecurity on the part of the trash talker.

Do you think so? 9 times out of 10 you're probably right. I think that some people are just mean, though, and get a thrill out of it - maybe sociopathic tendencies. And then there are those who do it to trash someone so they can get ahead or whatever. But yeah, most of the time it probably is some type of insecurity.

 

[Metal_isthe_Answer]

I dont hide my opinions of other people, but I dont go out of the way to state them.
I dont like my co-worker in my department, one time when someone asked me where she was, I just answered "who cares?" But, Ive never had someone come in and just start bad mouthing her out of the blue, for no reason.

 

[vj288]

Do you think so? 9 times out of 10 you're probably right. I think that some people are just mean, though, and get a thrill out of it - maybe sociopathic tendencies. And then there are those who do it to trash someone so they can get ahead or whatever. But yeah, most of the time it probably is some type of insecurity.

I agree with marie in that it's usually an insecurity or low self-esteem that causes people to say, or to maybe even think, things like that, as it makes them feel better about themselves. A lazy way, sort lived way to feel better about yourself albeit. That tenth time may also be for social advancement, like a tactic to put oneself forward at the expense of others. That can be circled back to insecurity though, as you don't need a tactic if you're just that awesome to begin with. I dunno though. :idontknow:

 

[twiggle]

I agree it's probably insecurity.

I think the problem is that people - especially younger ones - are a lot more concerned with the way in which they come across to others and are often inclined to almost treat life as some kind of competition in which they resent pretty much anybody who has something that they want and don't have. The trash-talker obviously feels inferior - for some reason - to the girl she was slating - and that's why she works so hard at finding more reasons to chip her down.

I think there's a notable difference in the way people react to somebody who they don't like because a) they feel an insecurity as discussed above or b) because that person has done something in particular that has angered them.

Seems to me that when it's b, it's easier to see and understand from where the bad words are coming from. If it's a, then - like the trash-talkers friend on the bus - the level of unkindness won't make sense to the people hearing it.

I also would agree that people often slate others because it helps them to internally justify their own manners and actions.

And I would also agree with you Opaline that people like that are toxic and we should avoid them at all costs. I've known a couple of people like that in my life and as far as I'm aware they're still doing it.