eR1k said:
Just go to a crowded place, take a seat, and relax.
This is great advice and is exactly how I started, by taking small steps. I sat in a Starbucks for days/weeks (don't remember) until I was completely comfortable. Today, I work at one for fun.
I remember one of the most important things I had to face was NOT BEING IN A HURRY. I decided I had enough, so I was going to go out and do what I had to do to just be comfortable SITTING IN PUBLIC, and I was going to do it NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TOOK, even if it was going to take the REST OF MY FRIGGIN' LIFE.
I didn't get laid until 25 or something like that. It didn't matter. By then, the girl was so into me because of my apparent confidence that she could care less. Caring about being a virgin is just another excuse. It's not worth it to keep fretting over details. That's the cause of the problem. Tell the fuckin' world's opinions to go to hell (in a nice way).
Feeling better has to be your priority. Not quick results. Wanting results fast, only makes it take LONGER. Well, in my humble experience.
My site talks a lot about topics which are basically beyond these early steps. So, I think it's really important to focus on advice like this, which is more specific, and more practical. Taking small steps is a very good way to feel satisfaction in making progress.
Each little bit leads to a next bigger step. The key is to wait for it and expect the next step or opportunity to reveal itself. You'll know it when it comes because you'll feel ready and you won't have to force yourself too hard to do it. You'll be ready and excited to take the next risk.
Thelema said:
How did you get up the nerve to start talking to random people?
Taking small steps, as I recall when I started really trying to deal with shyness, in this regard, I just started doing simple things like saying Hi to people. It's not about looking to do what is difficult. It's about looking to do what is EASY. The next little step that is EASY. Little steps.
I remember that I realized that I was so closed down that it was a habit for me to expect to NOT say things to people. So, I had to make an effort to like say to myself, "Wake up!" and then look for ways to say small things to people, like "Hi." I started with people that are paid to be nice (workers, servers, etc), and then expanded that to people that I might see along my way, when it seemed or felt like the right thing to do. Also, I had to stop giving myself a hard time for realizing that I was missing simple opportunities. Again, don't be in a hurry for results.
Even just practicing making eye contact is a good step.
These little steps are great at getting you to get out of the habit of staying closed down NOT looking for these opportunities. It's like you're walking around and can't stop looking for ways to be safe. You've got to practice taking a different, more open focus when you're out, or in school, or wherever, and even everywhere, and even all the time.
The key, in my experience, was that these little steps help you to FEEL better. Everything you do to overcome shyness is about learning how to feel better. Freedom comes from THAT, and nothing else. Your accomplishments (being a virgin or not) don't matter, except as one tool for helping you to feel better. Besides, some girls really like virgins.
Too often, shy people use the need to have "experience" and "accomplishments" as a way to feel better. That's backwards. You don't need to do anything major in order to feel better. Feel better, in any small steps, and THEN, you are empowered to DO more things.
Even just practicing feeling better not giving yourself a hard time helps you to FEEL even better. That is a small step, too! Any small step, no matter how small, gives you more power. You never have to do it again, after that. It keeps building. As long as you don't want to quit.
Nowadays, I'm way past shyness, and I actually get in trouble sometimes for being so honest and genuine with people.
A beautiful came into the store and I still get nervous when a girl is REALLY beautiful to me, but I've grown enough that it's only the next small step in those situations. So, I said to myself, "Ok, I'm going for it," and I walk up to her at the register, look her in the eye, wait, and then, say, "Um, no. You are WAY too beautiful. You need to leave IMMEDIATELY."
It was a confrontational joke with a compliment, totally following my feelings, not my thinking, and said with genuine "niceness" not fear.
Well, she had a sense of humor enough to play along, and I had fun, being free enough to do that with a very beautiful girl. It's just the next small step for me, at this level. That's just an example.
So, how do you friggin' get laid? I'll try to be practical here.
Getting laid is a goal which is pretty empty, but it's understandable. And you should pursue what you feel you want to do, period. I don't care what anybody else thinks about it. I'm not saying it's bad at all. That's the biggest point I could probably share from my experience...
...don't judge yourself, and don't judge yourself based on what other people think. If you don't judge yourself for what a girl thinks, well, that's the appearance of a sort of strength and confidence, which most girls respond to. Being shy is the OPPOSITE of that. That's the answer.
The best way to stop reacting to what people think, or might think, or what girls think, in order to not be nervous, to go for it, to be daring, to do what you want, to be honest, to take risks, to make a move, to be the man, to get laid...
...is to trust your feelings, and don't judge them.
Shy people are all in their head, thinking. It sucks.
So: feel; don't think. And yes, when you get good at this, it's dangerous. That's the opposite of shyness, which is safe and boring. It's cool to be free. You have a long way to go to actually becoming "dangerous" so DO IT. It's easy enough to learn balance later.
Let your thoughts be whatever, and just feel what you want to do instead. Practice THAT. Otherwise, you're in a feedback loop of THINKING. It sucks. It never ends. Fear doesn't go away by trying to THINK it away. It comes back. It never will go away, until you focus on your feelings as a guide. That's freedom, and it's fun, more and more.
So you follow your feelings more and more, taking each next bigger step, with people, with flirting, with getting physical. And then you struggle with the times when you think you didn't go far enough to following your feelings, and that's judgment of yourself, AGAIN.
Just keep practicing. Don't judge yourself (i.e. think), no matter how much you follow your feelings, or not. Feel; don't think. Repeat.
If you are WAY stuck in fear, and getting laid is INCOMPREHENSIBLE, then relax. Take smaller steps just feeling ok in your own space.
When you get much better...here's the next perspective:
Arrogant guys aren't great relationship material--it takes more time to learn to live with your heart openly. But arrogant guys do get laid.
If you want to simply get laid, or at least, get more attention from women who respond to that kind of appearance of male "strength"--then focus on your feelings all day long, and do what you want, instead of thinking. Make it a habit, and bam, you're changed, and you're gonna get laid.
You've got to do what you want, or you'll never get past that point, into something even better. What do you want, anyway? It's always based on what you feel, not what you think. See the logic? So, feel, don't think. Screw thinking. It sucks. Your feelings will tell your brain what to think. Otherwise, you'll never get out of your head--which is crushing your feelings. Feelings first. Thinking later.
What is shyness, except rarely doing what you FEEL you want to do?
Screw that crap. Start feeling, and stop thinking, as a way of life.
One little bit at a time.
