Frustrated from loneliness

[recluse]

No matter where i am o'r if i am with another person i feel lonely. If anything being with another person reminds me how socially inept i am and i end up feeling even more lonely, wishing for the time to end and for me to be back in my room where i dwell on being lonely again. I simply cannot escape this terrible perpetual loneliness.

My workmate and my boss are both 'Jack the lad' types, always ogling women whenever we are out on a job, bragging about women flirting with them etc. This type of talk makes me feel uncomfortable i suppose because i've been brought up to respect women and not as playthings. I would hate to hear men saying such things about my sister, mother, o'r girlfriend if i had one. I feel self conscious whenever they comment on how attractive a woman is that they will think i am gay o'r something for not sharing their 'enthusiasm'. I am attracted to women but i don't see them as mere sex objects.

Something which keeps me away from people is my poor conversational skills. I can't remember the last time i held a flowing conversation, for instance i will comment on something like the weather and then the other person responds and it dies. Then i begin to feel panic at being so quiet so i get worse, and i will say something which comes out sounding stupid which i then worry makes me appear a fool. This morning i was travelling to a job with my boss and i felt i could die from the uncomfortable silence which lasted for most of the half hour journey.

There's a festival on here starting tonight and i think i must be the only person not going. I just can't bear the thought of being seen alone by people i know.

I don't know what to think other than wherether i go i am present in body but not in mind. I feel i am not contributing anything to society and that i am not a worthwile person, o'r a memorable person. My friend texts me from time to time saying that she misses me and that she would like to see me. How can a person miss a boring, worthless piece of sh#t like me?

 

[Feathers]

Aww ((hugs))

WOW!! I'm so glad that people like you exist - more RESPECT to ya!!

My dad had a hard time with blokes at the factory bad-mouthing and gossiping and telling bad stories or promoting not-so-savoury stuff etc. He sometimes had religious discussions with them or told them about healthy food or such...

I know it can be difficult, maybe you can try to make conversations go into other directions? Maybe you could even tell them what you told us? That you've been taught to respect women, and how would he feel someone talking about his sister or daughter that way?
Or just say 'she has pretty eyes' or something non-insulting?

As for conversationalist skills, you can totally learn these - it also depends how much you may have to talk about with someone else-?
Some people don't find silences awkward and may enjoy a pleasant nap (you can pretend to be one, or maybe your boss is?), especially in the morning, so I think no problems there..

Festivals... ahh, I hear you on that one.. Some events have been here too, at times I was too tired to go, or didn't feel like going either (even when a friend wanted to go) so, ahh... Just pretend you're the mysterious stranger girls sigh after - oops, you ARE one?
Maybe you can meet some new people at work to go places with them, or at any artsy/church events etc, if current co-workers might not be your type to hang out with?

Well, you could always just go take a look, pretend you're terribly busy with some project, and go back home if it would be boring? And if there might be some interesting people or relatives/old mates you might talk with them a bit?

YAY for having a job?!! (If I remember right, a while ago that was something to strive for and seemed like a 'non-possibility' too?)

You're working and your friend misses you! People with sa can sometimes have feelings of low self-worth that may have nothing with reality?!!
Hope this passes soon and you soon feel better!!

 

[planemo]

The paradox us lonely people live with ie. not wanting to be alone, but not wanting to feel awkward around people either, can be a really tough cycle to break free of. I think the real problem is that we are not comfortable with ourselves for the most part and thus we're always in a state of discontent.

We find reasons to force ourselves to be alone, and then we find reasons to seek isolation when we're around others as a result of this discontentment. It's something i think most of us suffer from, and in all honesty we it find really hard to break free from, even when it makes us sad.

We're constantly sizing ourselves up, and then knocking ourselves down. The fact that you respect women and don't see them as sex objects, should make you feel better than your work colleagues, but it makes you feel the opposite. I think this is our nasty self loathing side which often creates false realities and wrong perceptions about ourselves. I think if we can feel comfortable with who we are, this paradox can be eliminated. That of course is the hardest thing we probably face in our lives.

You're certainly not worthless, and yes we don't add much to society in the way of socializing, but look what some normal people get up to. Think of crimes people commit. Think of the destruction people bring on one another while out in society. So again our self loathing makes us believe bad things about ourselves, which are not true.

 

[recluse]

Aww ((hugs))

WOW!! I'm so glad that people like you exist - more RESPECT to ya!!

My dad had a hard time with blokes at the factory bad-mouthing and gossiping and telling bad stories or promoting not-so-savoury stuff etc. He sometimes had religious discussions with them or told them about healthy food or such...

I know it can be difficult, maybe you can try to make conversations go into other directions? Maybe you could even tell them what you told us? That you've been taught to respect women, and how would he feel someone talking about his sister or daughter that way?
Or just say 'she has pretty eyes' or something non-insulting?

As for conversationalist skills, you can totally learn these - it also depends how much you may have to talk about with someone else-?
Some people don't find silences awkward and may enjoy a pleasant nap (you can pretend to be one, or maybe your boss is?), especially in the morning, so I think no problems there..

Festivals... ahh, I hear you on that one.. Some events have been here too, at times I was too tired to go, or didn't feel like going either (even when a friend wanted to go) so, ahh... Just pretend you're the mysterious stranger girls sigh after - oops, you ARE one?
Maybe you can meet some new people at work to go places with them, or at any artsy/church events etc, if current co-workers might not be your type to hang out with?

Well, you could always just go take a look, pretend you're terribly busy with some project, and go back home if it would be boring? And if there might be some interesting people or relatives/old mates you might talk with them a bit?

YAY for having a job?!! (If I remember right, a while ago that was something to strive for and seemed like a 'non-possibility' too?)

You're working and your friend misses you! People with sa can sometimes have feelings of low self-worth that may have nothing with reality?!!
Hope this passes soon and you soon feel better!!

Thanks for the reply.

I wouldn't dare say the things i do on this site. I am afraid of expressing my opinions for the fear of people hating me.

I honestly have no clue what to talk about. I have many hobbies like cycling, shooting etc but i have little interest in the things other people are interested in. When i am in the gun club i am a member of i can talk a lot about guns but when i tcomes to other things i am clueless.

Thanks about the job. I am glad i have got a job, but it does not change how i feel about myself in regards to having friends.

 

[recluse]

The paradox us lonely people live with ie. not wanting to be alone, but not wanting to feel awkward around people either, can be a really tough cycle to break free of. I think the real problem is that we are not comfortable with ourselves for the most part and thus we're always in a state of discontent.

We find reasons to force ourselves to be alone, and then we find reasons to seek isolation when we're around others as a result of this discontentment. It's something i think most of us suffer from, and in all honesty we it find really hard to break free from, even when it makes us sad.

We're constantly sizing ourselves up, and then knocking ourselves down. The fact that you respect women and don't see them as sex objects, should make you feel better than your work colleagues, but it makes you feel the opposite. I think this is our nasty self loathing side which often creates false realities and wrong perceptions about ourselves. I think if we can feel comfortable with who we are, this paradox can be eliminated. That of course is the hardest thing we probably face in our lives.

You're certainly not worthless, and yes we don't add much to society in the way of socializing, but look what some normal people get up to. Think of crimes people commit. Think of the destruction people bring on one another while out in society. So again our self loathing makes us believe bad things about ourselves, which are not true.

Thanks.

I agree with the endless cycle part. I also agree with the feeling of always being in a state of dicontent. I've never been content for as long as i can remember, i went through a stage just a month ago where i was content with being a loner and just filling my time with my hobbies but i'm finding myself becoming dissillusioned again.

I used to look at porn but i did not like the way it was twisting my mind, whcih is why i have not looked at any porn for a few years now. The worst thing is that comments from my workmates trigger me into viewing women as sex objects which i don't want. It's kind of like a recovering alcoholic being with a someone talking about drinking.

 

[JuiceB]

No matter where i am o'r if i am with another person i feel lonely. If anything being with another person reminds me how socially inept i am and i end up feeling even more lonely, wishing for the time to end and for me to be back in my room where i dwell on being lonely again. I simply cannot escape this terrible perpetual loneliness.

My workmate and my boss are both 'Jack the lad' types, always ogling women whenever we are out on a job, bragging about women flirting with them etc. This type of talk makes me feel uncomfortable i suppose because i've been brought up to respect women and not as playthings. I would hate to hear men saying such things about my sister, mother, o'r girlfriend if i had one. I feel self conscious whenever they comment on how attractive a woman is that they will think i am gay o'r something for not sharing their 'enthusiasm'. I am attracted to women but i don't see them as mere sex objects.

Something which keeps me away from people is my poor conversational skills. I can't remember the last time i held a flowing conversation, for instance i will comment on something like the weather and then the other person responds and it dies. Then i begin to feel panic at being so quiet so i get worse, and i will say something which comes out sounding stupid which i then worry makes me appear a fool. This morning i was travelling to a job with my boss and i felt i could die from the uncomfortable silence which lasted for most of the half hour journey.

There's a festival on here starting tonight and i think i must be the only person not going. I just can't bear the thought of being seen alone by people i know.

I don't know what to think other than wherether i go i am present in body but not in mind. I feel i am not contributing anything to society and that i am not a worthwile person, o'r a memorable person. My friend texts me from time to time saying that she misses me and that she would like to see me. How can a person miss a boring, worthless piece of sh#t like me?

This is almost exactly what I've been experiencing for the past few years at my job. I work at a sheetrock supply company so I am at construction sites very frequently. All my fellow workers are ogling over women and making passes at them, except me. I know they look at me and wonder and have even heard a few comments when they thought I wasn't listening.

I also have very poor conversational skills so I usually wouldn't say a thing especially since I stutter so badly. The guys will sometimes get together and discuss their many conquests of women or whatever. All I can do is stand there with my false smile and keep working. It's bad enough feeling alone and empty when I'm at home but why do I have to feel this feeling almost 24 hours a day?

 

[satstrn]

Try a little cognitive behavioral therapy. Poor conversational skills can be improved upon. Thats all it is, a skill. Its just like anything else....take guitar for instance (I noticed on your profile). If you don't ever practice and just think about how bad you are, how much better will you get? Not much. I know its incredibly painful for people who are naturally anxious in these situations, but try lowering the stakes a bit. If the conversation dies, it dies. It doesn't mean you are a lesser human being. Becoming good at conversation just takes a lot of practice with strangers. Even if they laugh and make fun of you, you arent actually any worse off, right? Any checkout line or restaurant works great, because there is at least some forced interaction. Just say hi, hows your day going at first, then slowly work your way up. It takes a lot of courage and hard work and perserverance (and yes, pain), but you will get better. Just power your way through it. Dont focus on the fact that you have some "disability", just think of it as you've never worked to improve your skills. It can certainly be done.

 

[Sial Axetder]

A good idea for conversations: Listen to them, ask them about them, pick out certain facts they speak about and ask about those facts. Leave self, you, out of the conversation until they ask you about you. I will tell a little but find ways to keep them talking about them.

 

[recluse]

This is almost exactly what I've been experiencing for the past few years at my job. I work at a sheetrock supply company so I am at construction sites very frequently. All my fellow workers are ogling over women and making passes at them, except me. I know they look at me and wonder and have even heard a few comments when they thought I wasn't listening.

I also have very poor conversational skills so I usually wouldn't say a thing especially since I stutter so badly. The guys will sometimes get together and discuss their many conquests of women or whatever. All I can do is stand there with my false smile and keep working. It's bad enough feeling alone and empty when I'm at home but why do I have to feel this feeling almost 24 hours a day?

I feel there is something wrong with me, like i don't have enough testosterone o'r something. I am attracted to women but i don't see them as mere sex objects, i rarely even have a hard on. At the end of the day it's aggressive, alpha males which get the women and not the sensitive guys like me. Just look at the nature programmes, it's the silverbacks who get to mate and humans are no different. I find most men to be too aggressive and i don't feel i can fit in with them.

 

[recluse]

Try a little cognitive behavioral therapy. Poor conversational skills can be improved upon. Thats all it is, a skill. Its just like anything else....take guitar for instance (I noticed on your profile). If you don't ever practice and just think about how bad you are, how much better will you get? Not much. I know its incredibly painful for people who are naturally anxious in these situations, but try lowering the stakes a bit. If the conversation dies, it dies. It doesn't mean you are a lesser human being. Becoming good at conversation just takes a lot of practice with strangers. Even if they laugh and make fun of you, you arent actually any worse off, right? Any checkout line or restaurant works great, because there is at least some forced interaction. Just say hi, hows your day going at first, then slowly work your way up. It takes a lot of courage and hard work and perserverance (and yes, pain), but you will get better. Just power your way through it. Dont focus on the fact that you have some "disability", just think of it as you've never worked to improve your skills. It can certainly be done.

Thanks that's good advice. A lot of the time i think that the rest of society has something wrong and not the shy people.

 

[recluse]

A good idea for conversations: Listen to them, ask them about them, pick out certain facts they speak about and ask about those facts. Leave self, you, out of the conversation until they ask you about you. I will tell a little but find ways to keep them talking about them.

Thanks. I've tried but i end up feeling i am prying too much and there's only so much questions one can ask.

 

[Sial Axetder]

Thanks. I've tried but i end up feeling i am prying too much and there's only so much questions one can ask.

Never and it shows you're taking an interest in them. As along as they're not too personal questions you should be fine. Maybe scrap the questions for a bit when they mention something you can relate to.

I was at a pub on Friday night and sat next to a guy who'd never been a "bar guy" before. Was an interesting conversation and he later mentioned his moment talkin with me after he finished playing with his band.

 

[coyote]

I feel there is something wrong with me, like i don't have enough testosterone o'r something. I am attracted to women but i don't see them as mere sex objects, i rarely even have a hard on. At the end of the day it's aggressive, alpha males which get the women and not the sensitive guys like me. Just look at the nature programmes, it's the silverbacks who get to mate and humans are no different. I find most men to be too aggressive and i don't feel i can fit in with them.

perhaps there's another way you can look at it

just because men take a sexual interest in women, doesn't necessarily mean they don't respect them as well, or that they don't see them as whole people

it's quite possible to do both

women are sexual beings as much as men are - many women want to be desired by the opposite sex, just like many men do

i agree that it is loathsome to treat women (or any person) in a degrading or derogatory manner

but if you overlook a woman's sexuality out of "respect" - you may be missing something - you may be missing part of who she is - and it may be part of what she, in fact, wants you to notice

by including her sexuality as part of who she is as a whole person, you may actually be showing her MORE respect