Found out my crush is single-so the REAL trouble begins

[altac]

Long post ahead.::

Phew boy, these situations are still quite awkward and abnormal feeling for me but here goes. (and I apologize if it's one of those "this is the millionth damn time" questions)

Maybe I should mention having never had a girlfriend, first kiss, or any of that first...

That said, I'm a student at the AI of Tampa, and around my third quarter (about the equivalent of my 9th month) this girl caught my eye in my 2-d Animation class. I was kind of reminded of highschool, as she became the hottest girl in the school to me.

We always made plenty of eye-contact (never a conversation though). After a while I began to get nervous about eye-contact because of how attractive I found her-I couldn't look into her eyes for too long, so I would make quick glances at her instead-turning my head if she looked back.

A memorable occasion is after my haircut I would see her look at me for very long periods of time out the corner of my eye...I enjoyed this thought, a girl like her-a guy like me? Lolwut, really?!

Of course the whole quarter would go by with not one conversation started from either of us. Not that I wasn't social and animated in front of the class itself when it came to our projects. It's not like being myself made her come up to me first though.

I let it slide, after all-to not be able to tell a girl I like her (which is quite the bad highschool memory-a whole story all on it's own) was only the norm anyways.

Of course, I would make constant excuses for myself then. "She's always on the phone, texting, talking, what if that's her boyfriend." "She's probably not single or some other guy is trying to be with her." Blah, blah, etc., etc.

Of course, by now it's been two years in this school, and we've had several classes together, all the same type of deal-that secret crush of which I can never make known to her-despite all our eye-contact. An interesting thing of note is when we had a Survey of Media class together, and had to present our Weaknesses. She shared the same primary weakness as me, "Shy."

Anyhow, enough yapping about background...let's get to the here and now, my feelings as of the time and date of posting this. I've recently gotten more into Facebook, of which just about everyone from school is on there.

About a quarter ago, I would think about typing her name, but wouldn't dare do it-too worried of the psychological outcome for me. So I never did, but of course, a couple days ago the name "found me."

In a compliment to somebody's artwork I noticed her name and my heart raced. I told myself a second excuse now, "Don't click on it, do NOT go to her profile!"

And so I didn't. But I needed closure, the thought kept on eating me, eating me...I must check to see that she's taken-so that my mind may finally rest in the fact that I was right about not trying to talk to her.

And so I clicked, and of course, what would be a dream was just as fast a nightmare, under relationship status:Single.

I went, nucking futs. I verified that this was her by looking at her pictures (another thing I tried not to do, but couldn't hesitate). Worse yet, I hung around her page for an upwards of four hours, contacting my closest friends saying, "I'M SCREWED, THE GIRL I LIKE IS SINGLE." All of a sudden, my crush went from, "I think that girl is really cute but she's probably taken" to "god damn my shyness, there's actually the possibility of being with her?!"

It didn't help that she was more and more the girl of my dreams as I looked at her interests and stuff. Not pushy with religion, Star Wars fan, Oblivion fan, cat lover-I'm gonna stop talking about it because it makes it worse...

I went to my closest (real-world) pal Ryan first (who's had two girlfriends, and just got his third one today). Whom suggested I send her a message on Facebook admitting my feelings and crush. He said, "Just do it before the opportunity goes away." I was extremely open about all my fears to him. Our school is a small and tight-knit (everyone knows everybody) one, and I didn't want to humiliate myself so badly it jeopardizes the rest of my time here....he promised, "It won't just do it!" And I was just about to hit send before I said WAIT! For a second opinion...

I went to my closest (online) pal Tim next, whom I remember having similar girl problems in the past (even though he's in my same, never had a girlfriend, still single boat). "Nooooo!" He says, "Don't ask online." I figured this meant talk to her in person instead (my heart just raced typing that btw).

My problem is, I'm such a damn wreck with people in person, that e-mail is my best alternative.

Even then though, I have this grandiose fear of the future. "What will her parents think? I have a massive fear of her father's reaction." "I'm black, she's white-what will MY parents or ANYONE think, is this possible grounds for trouble too?" "I've never had a girlfriend, am I still not ready?" "I don't have enough money to support her if she needs it, I'm still being largely supported by my family with the money they send me only being enough for myself. I don't have a job, or car-should I even bother?" "How bad will breaking up hurt if this doesn't lead to marriage-how could I handle marriage if it does?" "I'm very antisocial, but she has a ton of friends-this is a complete lifestyle change, and how will those friends of hers, both male and female react to me?" "Am I truly boyfriend material when it comes to anything beyond looks?"

I see in her "pages" and comments section that she has several things alluding to past breakups. "What made these breakups happen?" She treats her cats like their her children, did other guys think that was weird? Did her demands have something to do with it? Etc., etc. and before I know it-I've given myself 1,000 reasons to NOT send her a message or friend request....


So what now? I enforced a ban on myself to NOT check Facebook, nor her page for 48 hrs....I'm 50/50 either way. Half of me says, be a little more patient and stay single still given what problems the future could hold.

Then the other half says, it's time to learn some damnit-this is the area of my life where I've had zero experience. If she freaks out at the letter and says no, so what and if it we go out and it ends up being really bad and ends in a breakup, so what? You get closure, and still finally learned something about relationships you could have down the road.

Funny enough-at that 3rd quarter, she was indeed the hottest in school, but as the two years have passed-her true colors as the geeky gamer girl she is have shown. There's girls much more attractive I've seen but-every time I see her there's something I'm so drawn to about her beyond just her looks anymore (which by now, may seem more average than before).

Sucks being the shy guy with a crush, I get no where. Is that Facebook message really such a bad thing if it's the jumpstart I need to be able to talk to her in the real-world?

I thank you KINDLY from the bottom of my heart for enduring my long post. As I break my "ban rules" and check now, she is indeed still single.

Kindly, and embarrassingly awaiting your replies...::

(P.S.:I'm not used to these feelings.)

 

[Tiercel]

Before you get too worked up worrying about how you'll handle being her boyfriend, husband, or grandfather to her grandchildren, try being friendly and just talking to her. If she asks you why you never talked to her before, just tell her that you tend to turn into an idiot in the presence of pretty ladies.

Then just try to get to know her and see what happens from there. From the little (and usually disastrous!) contact I've had with women, it seems that they're not too fond of spontaneous declarations of love. So telling her that you've had a crush on her for two years out of the blue might freak her out a bit.

But I'll qualify my advice by admitting that I've also never gotten out of the batter's box with women. So take from it what you may, and may the Force be with you.



On second thought.... A pretty young lady who's into Star Wars? Perhaps I should head south for the winter....

 

[Luke1993]

Send her a friend request first and foremost, and she will probably accept!

Oh and nice pic of Shi Long from AAI!

 

[Feathers]

Well, I can only say that I wish some boys who had a crush on me ever talked to me directly..

I agree to friend her first (both in RL and on facebook) and see what she's like.. Maybe you'll like her even more when you get to know her, or maybe you'll see you're not compatible, or would be better off as friends.. You don't know until you get to know her better.. Maybe have a cup of tea or coffee together..

Not sure how old you are, I got asked by a guy in high school to be his gf 'out of the blue' and it was very weird... (and even in front of his friends, so I had no idea if he was joking or what, so I promptly ignored him) Give her and you a chance to get to know each other first...

You'll see if she is 'high maintenance' (money-wise and otherwise) and maybe she'll even inspire you to get finances in order etc. Maybe she has money enough for herself or could even support the both of you for a brief time.. you never know until you get to know someone better.. Not all girls are materialistic, some are.. If she wants a totally different lifestyle you can find that out as a friend too, so take things slowly..

That said, some people (even married guys) have fake 'single' notices on FB too, so just something to keep in mind, don't rely too much on FB..
Some white girls like black guys (I had a classmate who was totally enthusiastic about her bf who was black). In today's society, ideally this wouldn't be a problem, depends partly where you live.. If everything else clicks, you can only thank your lucky stars and if the two of you were truly in love you could even move away to a more tolerant part of universe if necessary..

Does she have tons of friends on FB or RL too, would she expect you to hang with them too, or not.. All things that you may find out slowly as you get to know somebody.. You may not want to date a woman who might 'talk too much' or expect you to be different, maybe she's different in private than around other people (knew someone who was like that, she seemed a chatterbox among people, and seemed quite private and reserved once you got to know her better.)

Soo, find out if she's more than just a pretty face or not! Wishing you good luck, however this turns out!!

 

[jaixo]

From my personal experience, I think I'd actually encourage even those with SA to risk a relationship. Whether it works out or not, you learn from it. I've had one awful relationship that I regret every time I think about it (he didn't understand my SA and tried forcing me to open up to him and talk and go out and do things) and one surprisingly cheery (yet near silent) one. He wasn't..isn't socially anxious at all but I would have assumed he was if I only knew him as he was when he was with me. We broke up a while back but we still like each other which goes to show that social anxiety won't always keep someone from liking you. I think it's all about the vibe you feel when you're together. Nothing in life is permanent; good or bad, you have to accept and learn from it, whether you feel completely humiliated or truly happy thinking back to it.

Sorry if this just sounds stupid and isn't helpful at all..

 

[goldenholds]

Nothing in life is permanent; good or bad, you have to accept and learn from it...Sorry if this just sounds stupid and isn't helpful at all..

This is very helpful, thank you. I have always tried to reject the bad, and ended up rejecting the good along with it. I have realized that you cannot separate the two. You have to take the love and the loss, the joy and the pain, altogether as one. If you try to block out one or the other, you will have neither. The trick is to accept this, cope with the loss and the pain, and then the love and joy can be yours to keep and do with as you wish. And the best part is, when you are feeling the good stuff, the bad stuff becomes much easier to deal with.

To get back on topic, to the poster I say give it your best shot, right now, in whatever way you feel you are able or most comfortable with. I gave it my best shot back when a crush was single, and it didn't work out. But she is not single now, so if I did not try back then I would no longer have the opportunity to try, and I would very very sorely be regretting it now. I felt embarrassed about not knowing much about relationships, and felt bad for disappointing her, but it is nothing compared to how I would feel if I had not tried.

 

[altac]

Wow, some amazing advice here. This group has become the silver lining on a gray cloud that's been the bulk of this July.

Oh and thanks Luke1993, I loved Investigations. Cool ninja avatar on your end.

My only problem is, how to start the small talk...the only small-talk I really have at school is with two male friends I've known since my first-quarter (the third one graduated).

Oh how I long for those highschool acting class days again, when we had to partner up.(lol)

The only link I can think of is getting to know the person she commented to again. He first introduced himself to me my second quarter-used to offer me rides home all the time out of the kindness of his heart, but I haven't seen him in real life since a birthday party we had last year.

He was the first person to send me a friend request on Facebook actually (of which I left the account dormant until these days)..I find it interesting that almost by conindience she would talk to him.

But it might be weird for me to just magically pop back into his life for seemingly no reason.

But the connection thickens! Those two guys I mentioned I have small talk with earlier? He knows one of them very well, we all had the birthday party together....should I work my way back up to knowing him, which could perhaps help with her? I can only hope it leads to group talk at least (with me being with him when he might meet her). The guy btw has been with his girlfriend for years.

And phew, thanks Winter-I was probably about to make a ton of those mistakes just on that night alone...good thing my gut still kicks in once in awhile.

Thanks for all the advice guys! The next battle is starting that small talk. ::

 

[PunkRotten]

The chance of you getting with this girl and having something long term and meaningful is small. I don't understand why people come asking for advice on a SOCIAL ANXIETY site. Its also funny how some people give advice on how to get get girls. No matter what you do, it all lays on this girl and her circumstances at the time.

When it comes to dating there is no special guide on how to do it. Just talk to her and focus on maybe becoming a friend. No need to go all fast and get all nervous as if you are gonna get married and have kids with her already.

 

[Feathers]

lol This reminds me.. There was a guy at the dorm, who had a BIG crush on a girl.. Then one day he comes from Uni all happy... 'I finally talked to her!' (It was the news of the floor!) 'What did you say to her?' - 'I asked her about the schedule.'

This was soo cute! lol... (He was a cute guy too, no idea why he was so shy about it!) Remind you, girls LOVE to talk.. For me, it's incredibly easy to talk to girls (but then I am a girl too) Even if you wind up as 'that guy who had a crush on her and it didn't click somehow' chances are she'll be pleased if you go about it in a friendly way..

PunkRotten, of course it makes sense to ask for advice - if he had a sister or female friend he could talk to, this might not be necessary.. People ask for advice in real life a lot.. One may have social phobia but still give great advice.. Also, we may have different levels of phobia, to different things... And only a person who has overcome at least some of these things can give good advice.. If you are naturally sociable, you may even not know what you are doing right.. A sociable friend can say, 'Just be yourself' and maybe this hasn't been helpful in the past.. I got great advice in books or online.. And you gave great advice to just focus on being friends too..
Of course it depends on the girl and individual circumstances too.. Winter gave some really good tips..

Altac, you can ask her about any changes in schedule or any homework/assignments or professors or such.. Maybe if she comments in class about something and it's interesting and you could talk about that..? Any real things around you that you might genuinely want to know or comment.. Is there a way to just 'accidentally' get stuck behind your friends and be near when you exit the classroom and comment or ask something? Or does she have any friends at class that might be easier to talk to? (Maybe even guys, if it's easier to talk to them..)

You might get back in touch with the other person, if you like him as a friend etc, it seems a bit complicating things, if you just want to talk to her a bit, if he's not in your class.. Or maybe you could just comment at his FB and see if she then comments too? But talking to her iRL in a casual way would definitely be good.. Maybe think of her as someone's sister or friend, if it helps? Or maybe you guys can start an acting group or put up a show together?

 

[altac]

The chance of you getting with this girl and having something long term and meaningful is small. I don't understand why people come asking for advice on a SOCIAL ANXIETY site.

Haha, that's the thing pal-this IS a branch of my social anxiety...I have no way of starting conversations with any stranger of either sex. The last (and pretty much only) time I ever walked up to a stranger and started one was with a guy in 6th grade. I'm not used to talking to people period, hence why I went so nuts.

But alas, true-I wouldn't be a straight, single, 20 year old male without some degree of wanting to be with her...but really, this was more of a social anxiety post than a dating one.

Similarly ridiculous fears of the future relate to ANY social outing for my life ("What if the bus is hijacked on vacation? Let's stay home." "What if my friend doesn't want to come over today? I'll let him call me first." Etc. etc. etc.)

Right now a close second is SW Celebration V. I don't have a car and I'm too damn nervous to find a fellow fan to ride there with (of which I'm literally surrounded by them..hell they talk to ME and I still can't bring myself to ask/say it! ) Of course, with Aug. fast approaching I'll probably see that opportunity go away...until whenever the heck it comes back to FL (come back too Mark Hammil).

It just gets that much worse when it's a girl I'm attracted to that's single. This is only the second time in my life I've found out a girl I find attractive is single...otherwise, it's nothing beyond just going about my day and getting back to my art (with their looks perhaps inspiring something new).

I love all this advice-she's slowly starting to fade out of my thoughts as life fades back to normal. At the end of the day, I just "deal with" being single (it at least has it's free time advantages for someone who's so project busy)-at least I can flip the social switch on when it comes to story pitches, or other creative presentations (even though my lack of talking to people doesn't help with making contacts and connections :.

I've got a lot of work to do still, so I'm back to it-I'll be sure to double-check this though if the day ever comes I happen to find myself in conversation with her (even though it hasn't in two+ years and eventually probably never will as she graduates a year before I do).

I'll see what the future holds!

Thanks Feathers. It's true that I lack any female friends (and my sister, well...that's a hell of a separate story on it's own-I guess I've babbled a bit too much already :

 

[Why]

wow u and i are so similar

im also
20
no experience with girls romantically
countless countless times ive wanted to talk to that "cute girl" somehwere but never got the balls, and i cant even look at them in the eye for long

i recommend: just go for it and find a way to talk to her in class, try to sit near her and just ask a question about class (this way is no pressure). From then on, let the natural flow of conversation carry on. If you're awkward and screw up, oh well, u dont have to talk to her ever again but at least the thought of "what if" wont linger on.

last yr i approached 2 girls in 2 of my classes using this and got to at least know them, however i never got past the acquantice stage with them (both had boyfriends)


maybe im not the person to give advice but its what i suggest... wish i followed it myself...

 

[Feathers]

Ohh!! This is why the cute guys never talked to us!! ::

lol Actually, it's a bit reassuring to know all that. I think it's important to know that most girls aren't monsters (maybe some are!) and won't torment you like an older sis or something.. (Yes, I'm an older sis too.. have a younger sister.. All sorts of things come into play with siblings, and you can't really be mature when you're 3 years old, so in reality MOST other people will treat you MUCH better than any sisters or siblings!! At least that has been my experience!)

 

[Aussie_Lad]

If you don't at least try to do something, it will forever haunt you.

My suggestion is, to add as a facebook friend. Then you will find out more about what she gets up to when you are not around. This will give you something to start talking to her about when you do see her. There is every chance that she likes you, so you already have a head start.