Forget about friends, I don't even have acquaintances!

[lostinthecrowd]

Okay, so a little background information here: I'm in college, and I take the bus there Tuesdays/Thursdays to go to my classes. I'm in my 3rd year, but I can honestly say that in all these years I haven't so much as exchanged names with a person (I'm excluding group work here because with that you're forced to do that sort of thing). My typical day consists of going to classes and just sitting there by myself while everyone else chats with each other.

I'm writing this because I honestly don't understand how I got myself into this situation. It's been like this my whole life: everyone else somehow magically connects with each other while I'm left excluded. The only time anyone ever talks to me is to ask a question about homework...then they just go right back to ignoring me.

Why is this? Is there something horribly wrong with me? Some kind of vibe I give off that tells everyone to avoid me? I've been on other social anxiety forums before, and the problem with the people there doesn't seem to be that people avoid them, just that they avoid other people. For me, it's definitely the opposite. I feel like I'm an alien or something, like I don't even belong on this planet. Everyone else seems to gravitate to each other, but I'm like a magnet that repels everyone. Anyways, sorry I'm rambling so much in this post. I just had to get this all out, because it's all I can do to keep from breaking down right now. This may sound overdramatic, but I've basically lost all hope.

 

[DillJenkins]

This is how I was in college. I have never really fit in with anybody at school. I like to smoke reefer in college and this allowed me to make some friends. I never really felt a deep connection with anyone at school however.

I am lucky enough to have 2 people I call friends. I met them long ago through my church. If my friends moved or if I moved, I would have no friends because I really dont know how to make friends.

I do think that we tend to give off avoidance vibes that other people pick up and we are not aware of. People interpret our anxiety as us wanting to be left alone I believe.

You could try pills and/or therapy as this works for some people. It doesn't really help me enough to function and this is why I am going to try an MAOI for anxiety. If the MAOI fails then I too will lose all hope I believe.

 

[philly2bits]

I rarely talked to anyone in school. I never had any friends in school, and maybe only 2 or 3 acquaintances.

 

[Noca]

Welcome to SPW!

 

[Scrabbl]

It's hard to make friends in college.. especially for people with SA.. especially when the majority of them already have their established circles of friends

 

[limetree]

The generic advice people usually give is "join a club" but if it's too nerve racking to introduce yourself at this stage, group therapy might be a good way to make friends with people who understand? I'd like to try that someday if things get worse. I don't like the idea of giving them a ring though so nowadays forums are my best bet :S

 

[klytus]

Some kind of vibe I give off that tells everyone to avoid me

Most likely, yes. Since many others don't have to be proactive to find friends / acquaintances, it is obvious that you somehow tell others to stay away from you. In my case, when I was in high-school, a guy told me that I seem to shun every kind of human contact. The principal of the school told me that I was unapproachable, and even he was afraid of talking to me.

 

[PennyLane]

Yup im the exact same. Everyone seems to know each other in my classes and Im just thinking when did this happen?? Where was I while they were making friends.

In a way i know i purposefully avoid them too though...as i can't think of any reasons they'd want to hang out with me. I figure they'd just be too polite to say go away....so i keep a bit of distance.

 

[blue-roses]

Okay, so a little background information here: I'm in college, and I take the bus there Tuesdays/Thursdays to go to my classes. I'm in my 3rd year, but I can honestly say that in all these years I haven't so much as exchanged names with a person (I'm excluding group work here because with that you're forced to do that sort of thing). My typical day consists of going to classes and just sitting there by myself while everyone else chats with each other.

I'm writing this because I honestly don't understand how I got myself into this situation. It's been like this my whole life: everyone else somehow magically connects with each other while I'm left excluded. The only time anyone ever talks to me is to ask a question about homework...then they just go right back to ignoring me.

Why is this? Is there something horribly wrong with me? Some kind of vibe I give off that tells everyone to avoid me? I've been on other social anxiety forums before, and the problem with the people there doesn't seem to be that people avoid them, just that they avoid other people. For me, it's definitely the opposite. I feel like I'm an alien or something, like I don't even belong on this planet. Everyone else seems to gravitate to each other, but I'm like a magnet that repels everyone. Anyways, sorry I'm rambling so much in this post. I just had to get this all out, because it's all I can do to keep from breaking down right now. This may sound overdramatic, but I've basically lost all hope.

Welcome. I'm in first-year and know how it feels...and I hate to say so, but I think you are giving off "vibes", but it's not like you're inherently "anti-social" (in the popular sense of the word) or whatever and you can't change it. We SAers get used to avoiding eye contact, hunching over, moving quickly, sitting at the back of the room, fidgeting, you name it, when we're around people and we don't notice it in ourselves, but other people do subconsciously. I'm not saying it's easy, but with meds and CBT you'd probably be able to change. The problem with a lot of these SA forums (no offense to anyone) is that a lot of the people on them are completely pessimistic and after a while kind of deny that they even need to have contact with people in real life, and I think some get very antisocial in the true meaning of the word! The fact that you're lamenting your lack of friends on here suggests that it still bothers you and you would like to have some. I think you should try therapy or something if you haven't before (or again if you have); if you're getting yourself to college every week and you've made it to third-year, it shouldn't be too much of a stretch to make an appointment. Also, now that you've joined a forum, don't feel like you have to stay stuck in your SA. Not saying you are, but I know every time I join one I feel like I shouldn't try to get better because (a) I've found some other people like me, which makes it sort of okay to be this way, and (b) if I make any improvements, I won't fit in on the forums anymore. Sounds stupid, I know.

Anyway...you didn't ramble...I do all the time though. Good luck, I think you can do it!

 

[lostinthecrowd]

Thanks for responding, guys. I only just got up my nerve to check this thread now, because after posting it I immediately thought, "Oh crap, did I seriously just write that?" and fled the website. You guys are right; I probably do give off some kind of vibe that makes people think I want to be left alone. But I have no idea how to not give off that vibe, and that's the problem. Even when I concentrate on having open body language, it never seems to work.

Maybe I'll try therapy. In any case it would be nice to just get these feelings off my chest, and have someone give a second opinion on why people react to me the way they do. A part of me thinks that I might just be ugly, but whenever I post pics of myself online the feedback is generally positive, so maybe not.

Eh, maybe I'll even try to actually talk to people and speak up in class. Show them that I'm not completely antisocial. But yeah, thanks guys. I'm sorry I had to introduce myself when I was in such a negative mood.

 

[klytus]

i can't think of any reasons they'd want to hang out with me. I figure they'd just be too polite to say go away....so i keep a bit of distance

Exactly.

But I have no idea how to not give off that vibe, and that's the problem.

Well, that certainly is a problem. Perhaps read this WikiHow article. And watch these videos:

http://www.videojug.com/film/how-can-i-look-more-confident
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-to-talk-to-people-better-communication-skills
http://www.videojug.com/film/how-can-i-make-a-good-first-impression-2

Show them that I'm not completely antisocial.

You don't mean "antisocial".

 

[thor01]

I have the same problem. I don't have any real friends from college, and feel alienated like usual.

 

[theblank]

I feel like I'm an alien or something, like I don't even belong on this planet.

I was just telling my therapist this exact same thing the other day so you're not alone. I know where you're coming from and what the feeling is like.

I'm not sure what to tell you in regards to why, but it probably does have to do with the type of vibe (or lack of vibe) we are putting off that causes people to respond to us the way they do. Don't give up hope. You can still make friends. I have been living in a HUGE city for the past 3 years and don't have any friends either, but the other night I ran into someone I vaguely know at a concert and he seemed like he was open to being friends with me. We have a similar interest in a particular performer and that's all it took...that and me making the effort to be friendly and initiate something. You can do it too.

 

[Luke1993]

Hmm I've just started college been there a few weeks it would seem Im in your exact position I have nobody at all, group work I fifnd very difficult. I think I'm going to be thrown out soon cos I'm pretty sure my work's not up to their standard and because of bad social skills.

 

[blue-roses]

But I have no idea how to not give off that vibe, and that's the problem. Even when I concentrate on having open body language, it never seems to work.

Maybe I'll try therapy. In any case it would be nice to just get these feelings off my chest, and have someone give a second opinion on why people react to me the way they do.

[...]

Eh, maybe I'll even try to actually talk to people and speak up in class. Show them that I'm not completely antisocial. But yeah, thanks guys. I'm sorry I had to introduce myself when I was in such a negative mood.

The first session I went to with the counsellor at the uni, she taught me to be aware of my body language and breathing, which not only give off vibes to others, but "tell" our minds to be anxious because we've got ourselves into these bad anxiety habits. It's hard work, but if you're made aware of it, I think you can change your body language. The therapist will be used to seeing anxious people and will be able to tell which behaviours you're doing because of your SA (but be warned, having someone evaluate and stare at you like that is very confronting for an SAer, but just remember they're only evaluating your posture and everything and not thinking badly of you!)

If you want to start afresh in your new classes, make sure you start being more "social" (and yeah, you don't mean "antisocial" : right from the start, because it only gets harder the longer you leave it! Even if people can tell you're a bit shy, just being that little bit more open and friendly will let everyone know it's okay to approach you in future... I forced myself to make stupid smalltalk with people at uni at the beginning of second semester and even though I felt really bad, and as though everyone could see through me, people really don't notice! Proof: I actually told one of my classmates about my SA the other week and she was shocked and said I always seemed chatty and at ease...even though I'm usually sitting there with my stomach in knots and wondering why I even bother. Just goes to show...