Can anyone say why, when I'm with my girlfriend who I love, I sometimes feel detached, when we're experiencing things together. It's like the only place where I feel "safe" with her, is when we're at home in bed watching movies. My emotions are extremely unpredictable, and they are never where I expect them to be. I feel bad for this, I feel guilty. When we're out, I'm not always attached to the situation, even though I know that we're there together and I should be. Half the time, I'm IN the situation and enjoying it, not thinking all these annoying meta-thoughts. The other half I'm kind of conscious about everything, and my emotions are thereby... Not there in a way.
It's like.... When I'm a home now, I think about these things, I can cry a lot and feel empty, like I betray her, like I'm apathic. It's like there's something I want to feel for her, to show her, and I feel so damn ashamed. I feel like I'm tricking everybody. But I'm not I think. I just don't understand why my feelings can't be in synch with what's going on. I was also visiting my mother once last week, had a nice evening, but when I got home I felt sad, like crying, and I felt like I betrayed her. I feel this a lot with my girlfriend as well, when she's not present. Like I betray her, and everyone. What's up with this?
I can't really differ between my feelings. In a normal day you need some sort of emotional ballast in order to get through the day. You can't cry every single time someone is mean or similar. But this hardens me up I think...I mean... How am I supposed to be? It's like I can't function in the "outside world" because I'm too sensitive, but I'm not in balance either in my "inside world", because my love for my closest doesn't come out when I want it to. It's like I can only feel love after I've cried because I feel so empty. It's like I have to suffer and suffer, and hate myself, blaming myself for not just being 1-to-1.
Everything's so complicated.
It's like.... When I'm a home now, I think about these things, I can cry a lot and feel empty, like I betray her, like I'm apathic. It's like there's something I want to feel for her, to show her, and I feel so damn ashamed. I feel like I'm tricking everybody. But I'm not I think. I just don't understand why my feelings can't be in synch with what's going on. I was also visiting my mother once last week, had a nice evening, but when I got home I felt sad, like crying, and I felt like I betrayed her. I feel this a lot with my girlfriend as well, when she's not present. Like I betray her, and everyone. What's up with this?
I can't really differ between my feelings. In a normal day you need some sort of emotional ballast in order to get through the day. You can't cry every single time someone is mean or similar. But this hardens me up I think...I mean... How am I supposed to be? It's like I can't function in the "outside world" because I'm too sensitive, but I'm not in balance either in my "inside world", because my love for my closest doesn't come out when I want it to. It's like I can only feel love after I've cried because I feel so empty. It's like I have to suffer and suffer, and hate myself, blaming myself for not just being 1-to-1.
Everything's so complicated.
