Feeling angry about the past

[Clown]

I was never a child that listened very well , most of the times going in to trouble it was not that bad I think almost normal of that age. But my parents response was overactive/anger/no control like when I was just 10 years old and I was just irritating my little sister few streets away from my house, and she got home crying and soon afhter that I was still standing there with a friend and I see my dad and suddenly he starts to yell and screaming like a ''mad'' man and runs to me like he just want to kill me, I run and run and I luckily escaped .
But that sort of things happened frequently in my childhood and also my mother who was just crazy back then throwing things at me or hit me on my shoulder afhter teasing my sister and most of the time yelling at me for just little things.....

If you read that above , do you think that it is normal for parents behave like that to a little boy ? in overall they were nice but there temp /anger /stresshold was just low.
Sometimes if I think back to it I feel the anger rising.

Do you think that bad parents like the story above of my can start anxiety issues ? even back then every week something bad happenend with family or outside I even thought around the age of 10: this is certainly screw up my head in the future this can't be healthy my anger was so high back then that I could kill my parents easily.

And now for some strange reason I feel very very very irritated around them just there presence around me feels me stressed and angry, I don't know if has something to do with the past or just my generalized anxiety.




Now me and my family almost don't talk and we don't have fights anymore because im 20 , but they still call me lazy and mean words because I can't fucntion because of sa and gad.

Now I just get very angry when they say that (lazy, looser), while probably
they were probalby part of forming my anxiety disorder.

There are 2 options for me:

1. just screw my parents and never see them again

or

2. try to regain relationship with my parents, even while frustrated that they have a part in forming sa and gad and destroyed all my life oppurtunity's

 

[Section_31]

Hey Clown,

Is that normal behavior for parents?. Thats a pretty big question, and i dont think im qualified to answer that, but in my opinion, id have to say everybody has varying definitions of "normal". what you got was probably what your dad got growing up. Parents parenting styles can somtimes reflect how they were raised. This is true of my own mother, who was similiar to what you described.

I most definately think a childhood like that can definately be a good catalyst for problems like anxiety. Im not going to say its a direct cause, im no doctor, but i suspect that could also be the case.

In terms of your current situation....thats a real tough question, and i dont think any one person can tell you the right answer. I would say maybe move out on your own, try to maintain a relationship with them of some sort if you want, but if things dont improve, simply tell them your an adult now, and you wont tolerate how they talk to you, and tell them that untill theyre ready to address you like an adult, you wont speak to them?. That way you arent shutting them out, but your still getting away?.

As someone who knows, cutting off a parent completely, however abusive they may be, is a very painful and permanent decision that is not easily undone. Dont make any decisions hastily.

 

[Clown]

Because of this and the anxiety I have distanced my self from them, most of the time im outside with friends or in my room, I don't eat with them dinner and hardly ever talk with them and they don't talk with me unless they can complain about something that I have done wrong. And I just don't like there presence around me get very irritated.
My mother is even now at 20 controlling my every move and says things that you say to a child like don't forget this , watch out for that and yelling if it doens't go her way, im
telling her to stop that stupid behaviour because im getting sick of it but then se just gets more angry....

I can get out of my room and try to make a deep conversation but that I wouldn't probably do because that would just feel awkward afhter all these years.

So in this perspective is maybe better to go out of the house ? because these family issues is toxic for me and I already suffer everyday and probably will never get close to them.

 

[Feathers]

Sorry to hear about it, C.

My parents have had a temper too, and have been overcontrolling, yeah it can be annoying...
I got along with them much better when I was living away from them - just visiting was nice.

 

[pebblesdundee]

Leaving my mum was the best thing I ever did. The only time I'd ever want to see her again would be to see her dying.

So I'm a bit biased

 

[Clown]

If I leave home then we would probably be forced to have a conversation because they then come to my house or I to them and I know this isn't gonna work , my parents aren't good talkers and I also not so this isn't gonna work.... So im afraid If I leave home I would never talk to them and end up completly alone by my self or stay here and become even more mentally scarfed/damaged, how in the world can I solve this problem

 

[Kiwong]

I can't comment, my parents were great.

It was when I went to high school that I learnt how dysfucntional the world of people can be.

 

[Feathers]

Well, ideally if you'd move out you'd meet some people before and there, and would have a support network of friends/roommates/flatmates... (?) Not sure if you could financially afford living on your own?
You'd probably also have some kind of job or education, and you could meet some people there too?
If you aren't currently in education or working, parents could be upset and worried because of that too.. They can also be forgetful and may think other people can be forgetful too...
Maybe your mum is overworked? For me, it has helped if I helped do the dishes or with the laundry or other work around the house. Mum would then become more calm, as she didn't have so much work.

Maybe you can also get good counselling or a RL support group... There are also books, articles, websites about better communication.. you can learn..

If you decide to stay at home, it can help to try to see good points of parents and living at home too... And to try to build a good life anyway...

I was angry at my parents too, it helps to think of it as 'learning experience'... and if you ever do stand up comedy or writing, it's a great source of 'material'! (It really helped me to look at it that way!)

Parents aren't perfect and we aren't perfect either... You are more than just your past...
The past may have contributed to who you are, you also have good points though... Maybe if they wouldn't be 'overprotective' you (or I) would get run over by a bus or something, and luckily we're still alive?

 

[pakistan]

i know what yyou mean clown, been there bro.. Ive taken quite a few hits from both parents but they still love me and im fine with them. but i just cant stand being around them, since it brings out the deadly attacks from childhood .. So its more of a loss for parents then yours...think about it

 

[TheSanctuarian]

In terms of your current situation....thats a real tough question, and i dont think any one person can tell you the right answer. I would say maybe move out on your own, try to maintain a relationship with them of some sort if you want, but if things dont improve, simply tell them your an adult now, and you wont tolerate how they talk to you, and tell them that untill theyre ready to address you like an adult, you wont speak to them?. That way you arent shutting them out, but your still getting away?

The "right" decision is all down to the individual something as important as severing contact with parents can only be decided by YOU. If you are not happy with the way your parents have treated you then all you can really do is hope that you don't start treating other people that way. no matter how much my Dad says he would hate to be like [his] Dad. He is too much like him.

 

[kilojoule]

Hi clown,

Myself and my other siblings rotate as to who pisses my dad off and bears the hate, we take turns. Hes not usually violent in fact the others havent experienced it. Unfortunately I have been on the receiving end of the violence several times. It's like he knows about my issues (he doesnt) but its as if he somehow sees a weakness and swoops in. Anyway I'm getting off my point I felt like washing my hands of him so many times he really is a nuissance. He's my dad though. I often feel like I'm the parent and he's the child and I know my siblings feel the same but he's always going to be our dad and I'll still visit him when I can and call him up see is how he is because he'll always be my dad. It's just one of those things. I've often said he's Jeckyl and Hyde.

 

[Phoenixx]

Sorry to hear about that, Clown. I'm not really sure how exactly to answer your question, whether or not if that's "normal" for parents. It doesn't seem right to me, that your parents overreacted like that, with all that anger.

My mother used to take her anger out on me too. The second part of my childhood definitely wasn't the greatest. My mother became depressed when I was about 13. She would get angry over the smallest things, and she would take it out on me. It was always me for some reason, never my brother. If my brother started teasing me, sometimes she would join in. I was also going through teasing at school too, and the whole "teenage development" phase did not help matters either. I would try to talk to her about my problems, sometimes while in tears, but she'd usually tell me "Just ignore it." or "It's nothing." And then one day she finally told me that she "didn't care." It really hurt, and it's kinda stuck with me since.

We're mostly okay with each other now, especially since she's not depressed anymore. But it's still very hard for me to let go of the past. How I was treated for most of my teens, it definitely did contribute to my SA and because of that I sometimes get very irritated being around my mom and my brother.

Anyway, point being, even though it's hard, you should try and regain the relationship. I think it would help to distance yourself a bit too though. Family can be irritating after living with them for a while.

 

[we_r_eternal]

Sorry to hear about that, Clown. I'm not really sure how exactly to answer your question, whether or not if that's "normal" for parents. It doesn't seem right to me, that your parents overreacted like that, with all that anger.

My mother used to take her anger out on me too. The second part of my childhood definitely wasn't the greatest. My mother became depressed when I was about 13. She would get angry over the smallest things, and she would take it out on me. It was always me for some reason, never my brother. If my brother started teasing me, sometimes she would join in. I was also going through teasing at school too, and the whole "teenage development" phase did not help matters either. I would try to talk to her about my problems, sometimes while in tears, but she'd usually tell me "Just ignore it." or "It's nothing." And then one day she finally told me that she "didn't care." It really hurt, and it's kinda stuck with me since.

We're mostly okay with each other now, especially since she's not depressed anymore. But it's still very hard for me to let go of the past. How I was treated for most of my teens, it definitely did contribute to my SA and because of that I sometimes get very irritated being around my mom and my brother.

Anyway, point being, even though it's hard, you should try and regain the relationship. I think it would help to distance yourself a bit too though. Family can be irritating after living with them for a while.

thats exactly how my mother treated me at that same crucial age of social and physical development. she and my two siblings would gang up on me and call me fat and other degrading terms. they screwed me up pretty bad.. but i was never fat or have had weight struggles since then.. so i guess they cured me of that at least!lol!

 

[Phoenixx]

thats exactly how my mother treated me at that same crucial age of social and physical development. she and my two siblings would gang up on me and call me fat and other degrading terms. they screwed me up pretty bad.. but i was never fat or have had weight struggles since then.. so i guess they cured me of that at least!lol!

^ That's awful. My brother would sometimes call me fat, and I was pretty chubby for my age then (And now that I think about it, I still weigh the same. ), but he mostly called me ugly and stupid. Either insult, my mother still joined in. And that's part of the reason why I'm so insecure these days. :/

 

[Katty]

In my opinion, no. That's not normal behavior at all. Parents that treat children like that don't deserve to have children in my mind. It sounds a lot like they were on drugs. My mother treated my half brothers and sisters like that when she was in her 30's and she was doing meth a lot back then. And if that wasn't the case, they both must have been under a lot of stress and decided it was okay to take it out on you and your sister.

And yes, situations such as that can absolutely trigger anxiety issues. My SAD wasn't caused by bad parenting for the most part, but I am aware that the trigger for all of it involved being yelled at by supposed authority figures when I was 5. Being scolded or criticized at a young age can definitely cause long-term anxiety (obviously it varies on how sensitive a kid is, though).

If your parents are causing you serious distress and you feel as though it's having a big impact on your life, get away from them. That's all I can say. You've been through enough. Staying in a situation like that will just exasperate everything you've dealt with. You must have a place to go if you're considering leaving. I say go for it.

I'm 20 as well and my parents act the same way. "It seems like you just want to sit on your ass all day" or "You're 20 now. Get a job to earn money for therapy. You're not my responsibility anymore".

I actually got a job at some point, but I got fired because of my anxiety. I kept taking long breaks because my job involved talking on the phone and I have really bad phone phobia and email phobia. I've tried getting a job at other places, but it's tough where I live. And my SAD doesn't help at all.

 

[Lccska]

I grew up in a dysfunctional Alcoholic Family. (Dad was the alcoholic, Mom was the co-dependent). I have 4 sisters and I was second to the youngest. I am the only one with anxiety/ depression issues. If "nurture" (bad parenting) was the only variable, we should all have problems. But we don't, so I believe I was genetically predispositioned for the problems I have, the "nature" part of the equation. Both of my parents had there fair share of problems, so I could have inherited from one or both. Now my Daughter has problems, and she could have inherited from either parent also.
As far as alienating yourself from your Parents....My Mom was actually a very loving parent, but she was also what you could call "toxic". She ruled thru guilt, which can suck the actual life from your soul. I never had a relationship with my Dad. After I had my own kids I had to distance myself from my Mom for about 10 years. She refused to allow me to be an adult and kept trying to suck me back into her own sickness. I had enough problems without her. She finally accepted that we were going to "agree to disagree" , and is now an 86 year old, toddering little old lady. Eventually you do forgive. I forgave her about 20 years ago. Being angry served no purpose. She wasn't capable of change, and I refused to be a bitter person.

 

[kilojoule]

Being angry served no purpose. She wasn't capable of change, and I refused to be a bitter person.

See, now that's exactly why you should be here