Cloud910
New member
So I'm 29 years old, from the UK, work on a family run farm and I'm at a moment of my life where I feel fed up, and wondering if I can get advice.
I feel stuck and carrying on living the same cycle every year, and the thought of doing this till I get old scares me.
Doing the same job cycle on the farm, doing a job because that I'm been brought up to beleive I should do.
Nights on my tablet, on the xbox playing video games and watching YouTube are my only entertainment.
I'll be 30 in Autumn and that's scary! Unlike most people my age, I'm somewhat like a teenager in an adult's body, still having trouble so******ing, fitting in and keeping a conversation. Still helping on the farm which is now joint but untrusted to do some things like with farm machinery, because I easily do mistakes.
One of my dreams and things I've always wanted to do for years and years was to travel, go backpacking, volunteering, work abroad like a working holiday in Canada or New Zealand, which is from 18-31 (and I'm nearly 30)
I just like to get out there and do something different and enjoyable. Enjoy being young, since I never had a really enjoyable youth.
Get out of my comfort zone, get out from my habits of intrusive thoughts from the past.
But I never had the confidence to push myself to do it. Just attempting to tell my mom I'm going to book a train ticket to Scotland or even attempting to do it makes me nervous, like I'm being pushed back mentally.
It's hard to go for it, being away to the lifestyle I'm used to. My comfort zone.
I've tried some online CBT, but it never helped much. It helps as small advice on coping with anxiety.
As much as it' my dream, I don't know if this is an unrealistic and silly idea wanting to travel?
Especially with responsibilities of helping on the farm.
As much as I like to travel and get out there, would it help with my social anxiety, GAD and mild depression?
I don't know if I'll like those places in the end, whether I'll like people, sometimes I find too much social interaction tiring and like time alone, but when alone, I hate being alone for a long time.
I have never asked anyone for a job, only been asked by neighbours if I can help them.
I don't know where to start, I can speak some Spanish, taught myself for a few years thinking I could go, and just like learning languages, can speak a bit of French and German.. but never gone out to Europe alone.
Would it be a good idea to book for Europe and see if I like it, then go further afield? Or should I start in the UK or ireland first? Or actually take the risk and go for the longer term?
As for affording to travel, I got enough savings in my ISA...like a kind of savings you keep in your bank till you get old...would it be stupid to spend some of it?
I only been abroad to the USA to visit relatives with my mom. So I been on a plane before.
I keep getting reminded by my mom that they're getting old, that I should take more responsibility on the farm.
That I should be lucky I don't have to go out and look for a job, like other people.
She doesn't like to hear me suggesting to sell or rent the place. Knowing my dad would start worrying about the farm again.
She thinks I can't look after myself sometimes. I mentioned I wanted to go to Europe a few years ago now, I, mentioned a few of my classmates have done it, but it's always ok for them, because they are going with friends.
Although I have money and savings, I haven't got much coming in.
They don't understand me, nor my anxiety and feelings anyways. They think I'm incompetent most of the time.
My dad is now in his 70s and is always complaining how farming doesn't pay, that you spend more than you get in and the only thing keeping it going is government grants for wildlife conservation,( like fencing, which I prefer than the majority work with livestock.).
It gets even more depressing hearing him moan or complain about the animals when something goes wrong. Yet like most old farmers around here, they don't want to retire and do nothing and move to town.
If they sell up, everyone, including the guy renting a house we own on the other farm would have to move, and so much complicating stuff including selling it.
I feel guilty aswell.
Lambing season now, and it's quite bad, due to a very bad wet and gloomy winter and not much food. No matter how hard you try, disappointment and death comes round the corner, some live some die, although more have died this year.
The weather here is gloomy most of the time and that's enough to make me feel fed up of it all.
Soon it will be shearing time, I'm dreading having to shear, I've gone bored of it, it's tiring, especially climbing the mountains to get some of them all for 40pence per wool.
I always wonder why bother doing this all?
Living this life.
If I was to go out, do what I want to do, who would look after the farm?
It's already in a joint partnership.
Would it be selfish to let my dad do all the work? To give up on a farm that's been passed on for generations and try something different? Even just go out for a few months away from it all?
I fear bad things happening to them, they're getting old now.
I don't know what I'd like to do, I don't have much qualifications.
I was replastering a wall with the help of YouTube lately and currently repainting a house of my aunt. To be honest, I quite enjoy things like that than farming.
Would an employer let me work for them, like apprentice or handyman, or like training or would I need to get to college again If I'd like to go out and do jobs like this?
Am I just being lazy not wanting to do certain work on the farm and selfish thinking like this?
I feel stuck and carrying on living the same cycle every year, and the thought of doing this till I get old scares me.
Doing the same job cycle on the farm, doing a job because that I'm been brought up to beleive I should do.
Nights on my tablet, on the xbox playing video games and watching YouTube are my only entertainment.
I'll be 30 in Autumn and that's scary! Unlike most people my age, I'm somewhat like a teenager in an adult's body, still having trouble so******ing, fitting in and keeping a conversation. Still helping on the farm which is now joint but untrusted to do some things like with farm machinery, because I easily do mistakes.
One of my dreams and things I've always wanted to do for years and years was to travel, go backpacking, volunteering, work abroad like a working holiday in Canada or New Zealand, which is from 18-31 (and I'm nearly 30)
I just like to get out there and do something different and enjoyable. Enjoy being young, since I never had a really enjoyable youth.
Get out of my comfort zone, get out from my habits of intrusive thoughts from the past.
But I never had the confidence to push myself to do it. Just attempting to tell my mom I'm going to book a train ticket to Scotland or even attempting to do it makes me nervous, like I'm being pushed back mentally.
It's hard to go for it, being away to the lifestyle I'm used to. My comfort zone.
I've tried some online CBT, but it never helped much. It helps as small advice on coping with anxiety.
As much as it' my dream, I don't know if this is an unrealistic and silly idea wanting to travel?
Especially with responsibilities of helping on the farm.
As much as I like to travel and get out there, would it help with my social anxiety, GAD and mild depression?
I don't know if I'll like those places in the end, whether I'll like people, sometimes I find too much social interaction tiring and like time alone, but when alone, I hate being alone for a long time.
I have never asked anyone for a job, only been asked by neighbours if I can help them.
I don't know where to start, I can speak some Spanish, taught myself for a few years thinking I could go, and just like learning languages, can speak a bit of French and German.. but never gone out to Europe alone.
Would it be a good idea to book for Europe and see if I like it, then go further afield? Or should I start in the UK or ireland first? Or actually take the risk and go for the longer term?
As for affording to travel, I got enough savings in my ISA...like a kind of savings you keep in your bank till you get old...would it be stupid to spend some of it?
I only been abroad to the USA to visit relatives with my mom. So I been on a plane before.
I keep getting reminded by my mom that they're getting old, that I should take more responsibility on the farm.
That I should be lucky I don't have to go out and look for a job, like other people.
She doesn't like to hear me suggesting to sell or rent the place. Knowing my dad would start worrying about the farm again.
She thinks I can't look after myself sometimes. I mentioned I wanted to go to Europe a few years ago now, I, mentioned a few of my classmates have done it, but it's always ok for them, because they are going with friends.
Although I have money and savings, I haven't got much coming in.
They don't understand me, nor my anxiety and feelings anyways. They think I'm incompetent most of the time.
My dad is now in his 70s and is always complaining how farming doesn't pay, that you spend more than you get in and the only thing keeping it going is government grants for wildlife conservation,( like fencing, which I prefer than the majority work with livestock.).
It gets even more depressing hearing him moan or complain about the animals when something goes wrong. Yet like most old farmers around here, they don't want to retire and do nothing and move to town.
If they sell up, everyone, including the guy renting a house we own on the other farm would have to move, and so much complicating stuff including selling it.
I feel guilty aswell.
Lambing season now, and it's quite bad, due to a very bad wet and gloomy winter and not much food. No matter how hard you try, disappointment and death comes round the corner, some live some die, although more have died this year.
The weather here is gloomy most of the time and that's enough to make me feel fed up of it all.
Soon it will be shearing time, I'm dreading having to shear, I've gone bored of it, it's tiring, especially climbing the mountains to get some of them all for 40pence per wool.
I always wonder why bother doing this all?
Living this life.
If I was to go out, do what I want to do, who would look after the farm?
It's already in a joint partnership.
Would it be selfish to let my dad do all the work? To give up on a farm that's been passed on for generations and try something different? Even just go out for a few months away from it all?
I fear bad things happening to them, they're getting old now.
I don't know what I'd like to do, I don't have much qualifications.
I was replastering a wall with the help of YouTube lately and currently repainting a house of my aunt. To be honest, I quite enjoy things like that than farming.
Would an employer let me work for them, like apprentice or handyman, or like training or would I need to get to college again If I'd like to go out and do jobs like this?
Am I just being lazy not wanting to do certain work on the farm and selfish thinking like this?