Fear of the male species
- Thread starter peacegrrl
- Start date
I think i know what you're talking about and know the feeling. For me, when i talk to women i tend to not show much expression, and if i do i tend to feel akward. Because naturally i'm a very playful person and when i show my playful side to women i come off as gay to them. Or at least that's how i feel. Even when they show interest in me, i don't know but i sort of brush them off...i feel bad about that, but it's something that i can't help. Am i afraid of commitment?
Anyway, I'm a guy and sometimes i get anxious around some guys too, especially the clowns, and the talkative ones. For one thing, they are not afraid to say anything or how loud they say it, even if its a embarassing thing, they'll just blurt it out. I guess i feel jealous of them because they're not afraid of saying what's in their minds, its that fearlessness that makes me fear them a bit.
I really don't know, i don't have a answer for you either. It's just one of those mysterious things that women and men have.
Anyway, I'm a guy and sometimes i get anxious around some guys too, especially the clowns, and the talkative ones. For one thing, they are not afraid to say anything or how loud they say it, even if its a embarassing thing, they'll just blurt it out. I guess i feel jealous of them because they're not afraid of saying what's in their minds, its that fearlessness that makes me fear them a bit.
I really don't know, i don't have a answer for you either. It's just one of those mysterious things that women and men have.
bleach
Banned
Sexual tension. You said yourself you have no problems with gay men. What else could it be then? A very common problem around these parts.
IMO we are all so scared of rejection that we are doing ourselves a disservice by being too tentative and restricted. We (heterosexuals) all want positive attention from the opposite sex yet we expect them to react negatively to the same thing--do you see how illogical that is? We are apprehensive to avoid being hurt, but most people do not really want to hurt anyone. I think the men you are uncomfortable around will be far more forgiving of nervousness and anxiety than you think they will be. You are underestimating our compassion and our own nervousness.
IMO we are all so scared of rejection that we are doing ourselves a disservice by being too tentative and restricted. We (heterosexuals) all want positive attention from the opposite sex yet we expect them to react negatively to the same thing--do you see how illogical that is? We are apprehensive to avoid being hurt, but most people do not really want to hurt anyone. I think the men you are uncomfortable around will be far more forgiving of nervousness and anxiety than you think they will be. You are underestimating our compassion and our own nervousness.
I_Walk_Alone
Well-known member
Bizarro world.
EDIT: And by that I mean i'm the male version of you. ::
EDIT: And by that I mean i'm the male version of you. :
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I have the same problem around females. I am male. I didnt use to have the problem, but Im tryign to blend in with some females here and there and get comfortable around them.
BlackKids
Well-known member
I think its a common problem but nearly everybody with SA wants a meaningful/sexual relationship.
The only way to overcome it / tolerate it is to put yourself in the situation. Rejection is part of dating and it sucks. Since we're over sensitive it makes it more difficult.
Nothing like nice wine, good food, good company
The only way to overcome it / tolerate it is to put yourself in the situation. Rejection is part of dating and it sucks. Since we're over sensitive it makes it more difficult.
Nothing like nice wine, good food, good company
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this_portrait
Well-known member
I tend to be the same way, except when I'm around gays or guys that I'm not attracted to.
It seems like you just have an excessive bit of a phobia that happens to revolve around encounters with men. You are no different then alot of guys here - the typical humble SA dudes appreciat and respect the female so completely, that we don;t know where to even start when we interact with thm. Sounds like you.
DAting with SA can be a big sloppy mess. I get sooo shy when a girl smiles and flirts with me, which is often. I usually avoid at all costs cause I imagine I'll blow it or they are just being nice to be nice. I have never ever been condifent enough to initiate conversation, and if it got past that, the romance unless i was completely and utterely sure she'd be game. Usually,the type of reassurances I need are apparently dangerously close to slut-levels, which believe me explains why I'm usually single for long stretches and date for no more than a week or two. This is why I am just not having sex for awhile and just being "friends" with all the girls I meet. Not thinking with my smaller head has helped me form relationships with women that are friendly and flirty and I feel in control of in that I won't be sad if rejected!
Take away the tension, and the opposite sex can't resist you.
And reading your post, you seem pretty smart. I don't care what you look like, if you are smart, have clean teeth and smell good too, you're like a magnet and dudes'll be paperclips.
Good luck. Besides, dudes always act like they think they need too and you are not an object of judgement but when you talk to us you become a modification factor - namely we mold our behaviour toward based on what we think we'll get us a positive reaction from you, some go queit, some go "Asshole" mode - so go for the quiet ones and ask us questions: No need to fear us monkeys.
DAting with SA can be a big sloppy mess. I get sooo shy when a girl smiles and flirts with me, which is often. I usually avoid at all costs cause I imagine I'll blow it or they are just being nice to be nice. I have never ever been condifent enough to initiate conversation, and if it got past that, the romance unless i was completely and utterely sure she'd be game. Usually,the type of reassurances I need are apparently dangerously close to slut-levels, which believe me explains why I'm usually single for long stretches and date for no more than a week or two. This is why I am just not having sex for awhile and just being "friends" with all the girls I meet. Not thinking with my smaller head has helped me form relationships with women that are friendly and flirty and I feel in control of in that I won't be sad if rejected!
Take away the tension, and the opposite sex can't resist you.
And reading your post, you seem pretty smart. I don't care what you look like, if you are smart, have clean teeth and smell good too, you're like a magnet and dudes'll be paperclips.
Good luck. Besides, dudes always act like they think they need too and you are not an object of judgement but when you talk to us you become a modification factor - namely we mold our behaviour toward based on what we think we'll get us a positive reaction from you, some go queit, some go "Asshole" mode - so go for the quiet ones and ask us questions: No need to fear us monkeys.
Tiercel
Well-known member
I've noticed that lots of us here refer to males and females instead of men and women, or boys and girls. I wonder why we do that. Maybe just talking about them makes us a wee bit uncomfortable?
Maybe we should study these strange male and female species and see what makes them tick....
Maybe we should study these strange male and female species and see what makes them tick....
I_Walk_Alone
Well-known member
Paranoia.
Notice how kids these days use the word "obviously" alot?
Paranoia.
Words mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. (which is usually what everybody else wants them to mean, a lot less confusion that way. obviously)
Notice how kids these days use the word "obviously" alot?
Paranoia.
Words mean whatever the hell you want them to mean. (which is usually what everybody else wants them to mean, a lot less confusion that way. obviously)
CeeJay1981
Banned
Here's the deal peacegrrl,
You have a limiting CORE BELIEF about men. It may be something like 'men are untrustworthy' or something like that. Our core beliefs act as FILTERS for our brains.
Here's what happens:-
1) We DELETE (subconsciously) from our awareness anything that disagrees with our beliefs (in this example we filter out all the trustable men - we just don't notice them or are uninterested in them)
2) We DISTORT what we percieve in order to make the belief SEEM to be true (we might misinterpret what someone says in order to fit the belief)
3) We ACT in such a way that we make it come true (we act powerless and submissive which attracts untrustworthy men into our space)
Once we become aware of what our beliefs are we then see the hither to invisible influence they have on us and we can let them go.
I suggest asking yourself what YOU believe about men and notice how this affects your interactions with them. Notice how it limits the choices you have in any given situation around men.
Take it easy
You have a limiting CORE BELIEF about men. It may be something like 'men are untrustworthy' or something like that. Our core beliefs act as FILTERS for our brains.
Here's what happens:-
1) We DELETE (subconsciously) from our awareness anything that disagrees with our beliefs (in this example we filter out all the trustable men - we just don't notice them or are uninterested in them)
2) We DISTORT what we percieve in order to make the belief SEEM to be true (we might misinterpret what someone says in order to fit the belief)
3) We ACT in such a way that we make it come true (we act powerless and submissive which attracts untrustworthy men into our space)
Once we become aware of what our beliefs are we then see the hither to invisible influence they have on us and we can let them go.
I suggest asking yourself what YOU believe about men and notice how this affects your interactions with them. Notice how it limits the choices you have in any given situation around men.
Take it easy
NormanBates
Well-known member
Well I know I've scared plenty of girls. And guys. I don't show my emotions usually because I just don't have any. There's so many moments in a day, how is it possible to have something to show at every moment to be emanating positive social energy?
And then when I finally do have something to say, I look like a hypocrite for having been quiet for so long.
And then when I finally do have something to say, I look like a hypocrite for having been quiet for so long.
Hey peacegrrl, what this observant dude here says is pretty much the root of the anxiety we all have as well as your specific phobia of men. To streamline his idea:
It's when we have an expectation of behaviour from those around us, and when what actually occurs doesn't fit within our expectations we experience the flight or fight response (ie, hole up in the corner and don't talk or become abrasive and standoffish). What's key here is, when we cannot get the expectation by our actions (we with anxiety always believe we are doing our part in the social situation to get the display we expect from people) we suffer anxiety. It is your core belief at the present that you are to follow the lead of the man in a conversation.
To cure your anxiety, you must first determine what you expect from men in order to have what you would deem a successful interaction.
Second, you determine what it is you believe you expect from yourself in what you would deem a succesful interaction with a man.
Answering this questions honestly (don't soothe your ego which is what we anxiety people do when we are alone, you must be honest) will help you establish what your core beliefs really are, and then you can see if they are logical. I think you will find they are not.
The best way to do this is imagine yourself having a truly successful conversation in a man, and write down what what is you would say to each other and what mannerisms you would display toward each other.
Good day and I wish you success in your pursuit of freedom from your anxiety
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