Fear of phonecalls

[buddyg4751]

buddyg4751 I am the single mother of 3 grown children (daughter 26, son 29 & son 31). Both sons are married & have children. Ever since they married and "left the nest" to begin their own lives, I get panic attacks when I know it's time to talk to them, their wives & their children. I'm always worried that I'll have nothing to say, that there will be silence & that I will look stupid to them. Also, I detest saying the same things over & over again. For example, "How's the weather", "what did you eat for dinner," "how's your job", etc. I get very anxious also when i have to call friends.
I NEED ADVICE VERY BADLY TO PUT AN END TO MY WORRY, PHOBIA, ANXIETY. PLEASE, PLEASE HELP.

 

[MaliceInWickedland]

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has a hard time with phone calls. I'm not very good when it comes to advice, but whenever I'm in a situation where I have to speak to someone over the phone, I try to avoid that awkward silence by saying the first thing that pops into my mind (unless I think it's embarrassing or too awkward to mention). Usually I'll bring up random things like "Have you heard of so-and-so (like a band, show, comedian, anything of the like) or "Do you how to... (play an instrument, draw, sew, any random thing like that).

It's pretty hard to explain how exactly to avoid these awkward silences, especially an anxious person like me who isn't really experienced when it comes to interacting with others. I've looked through a couple of sites on how to get through awkward silences, and I think this one has some pretty good advice:

How to Avoid Awkward Silences During Phone Calls | eHow.com

The last thing I want to mention is that when it comes to talking to your children on your phone, you shouldn't feel too awkward, I mean, they've known you all their life and they know how you are so they should be aware that you're not a social person and for that reason, I don't think you should feel insecure about what they think of you. You gave them life, you've raised them their whole life until they got married, and most importantly: they love you. They will not judge you.

I know it's hard to fathom that thought at times, especially with anxiety. I'm very insecure myself, even around my mother at times, but then I remind myself that this is the woman who gave me life, who changed my diapers, who wiped my tears away, and who loves me with her entire being and that's when I stop feeling insecure.

You have my best regards and I really hope I helped out somehow, even the slightest bit.
Take care, and remember: your children love you for who you are.

 

[UnOccupied]

Hmm, i am a 20 year college guy, and my mom is exactly the opposite. I feel like my mom is the exact opposite. She talks so much that i can't get a word in. And, even when i try to, i am so nervous about talking that it usually ends up not sounding as i meant it.

Anyway, as for advice. Every Mom must get nervous about their kids leaving the house when they're older, its normal.

 

[tweetebird]

When I know I have to be in a social gathering I will gather 'back up' conversation savers by reading quirky or positive news online. Actually, I do this on a daily basis now, just because it's interesting The more you read, the more stories you will have in your memory to add in to those pauses. Nothing jump starts the conversation again like "Oh, hey I read that a woman warded off a black bear from her kitchen with nothing but a zuchinni!" or "I read that Airbus is hoping to have invisible planes in flight by 2050!"

 

[UnOccupied]

Also, try to remember that these are your children. You raised them, and prepared them for life until they were old enough to leave your "nest". This is part of your job as a mother, and it sounds like your kids are living good lives, therefore you did a good job. Remember, you are a good person, and your anxiety about talking to your children who love you very much is totally fine; there is nothing wrong with it. It is only there because you care so much. If you didn't truly care about your children so much, you wouldn't get so nervous. Many people would love to have a mother like you. You deserve to have a loving relationship with your children. You have the right to say how you feel, whether its nervous, or anxious, or even depressed. They are natural feelings to have when a chance this significant has happened in your life.

Best of luck!

 

[kihira]

Hi buddyg4751 and welcome

How about using email or the like, instead of phone so much? or even letters? FaceSpace?

Otherwise I would suggest having ideas written down for when a call comes, or you have to make a call.

For me, when family calls (urk), my mind goes blank.

Are your family calling too often, to be polite or to make sure you're ok?

 

[lioliber]

I avoid phone calls like the plague, I guess I’m worried about how my voice comes across over the phone, and thoughs dreaded awkward silences. I thought of way of overcoming this phobia, I'm going to come up with a phone survey script, then make my way through the phone book making phone call after phone call, pretending to be a call survey guy, and eventually through exposure the anxiety will subside and phone calls will be second nature, it won’t be easy but I’ve got nothing to loose.

 

[Acegame]

Maybe you can talk about this with your children? Tell them about how you feel. Otherwise the phonecalls keep being an exchange of info instead of a real conversation.

I have SA for 10 years now and just about 3 years ago I had the strenght to tell my mother about this. Before that she just didnt understand what was wrong with me or how i felt about anything because I never talked with her about it. Since then our relationship became allot better. I feel allot more comfortable now when i'm around her.

 

[RelentlessHamster]

ah I hate phone-calls, I'm actually fine with face-to-face communication but phone calls have always been an issue, I never pick up ... I mostly use my cell as a calculator and alarm clock ;D

 

[Feathers]

Hi Buddy!

I usually write down a 'draft' of telephone conversation if it's about something important or what I'm not used to... Then I use it as a 'springboard' for asking things, you can improvise too, it's good to have some notes to use if necessary.. (I also do that for doctor visits or such, very helpful).
First I write my 'intention' for the phone call or RL conversation - what is it you want to accomplish with it?

If fretting about it, I also sometimes write down what I fret about or 'worst case scenarios', and then brainstorm on ways to avoid those things or get better outcome, or write 'best case' scenarios and realize the reality is usually inbetween.

So, first I would ask you do they usually call you or do you call them, or is it once you, next time they? Do you have some sort of schedule or is it just random? Calling three kids every day might be a bit much for me, and I don't like unexpected calls much either.. I prefer to sort of talk online, or know when we will talk so I can prepare mentally..

Is the time appropriate for you? Just asking cause it can be different time zones. I also have a friend who has often called at very inappropriate times (like lunch time, or when she was cranky and hungry).. Is the time appropriate for them? If not sure, ask.
If I'm hungry and/or cranky I don't like to talk on the phone, and if other people are, usually the same That friend has a schedule when she goes running and gets more relaxed and it's much less stressful to talk to her after that.
So if they have some sort of routine in the evening, putting kids to bed etc, it might be better to talk when they have time and are relaxed..
Also, if they or you watch a favorite TV show, it may be better to talk at another time.. You could specifically talk about these things and set up some good outlines how and when to call...

So the first thing to say could be, Hi, how are you? Is this a good time to talk/am I interrupting something? and agree to talk later/at another time if needed..
Then you could say 'How's it going?' and see what they have to say... If they have kids, you could ask about those, if they don't, don't bring the subject up! Also 'no-no's' would be talking about soap operas or crime shows you watched or 'are watching now' (my Grandma does this, lol!) unless they're fascinated with those.. Or it's very exotic or interesting or related to their interests somewhat.

Do you know what your kids' favorite topics or interests or goals/wishes are? If one likes horses, you can talk about the horses.. If one is into eco things, you could mention what you saw on the topic on TV or online the other day..

Also another thing, with the 'empty nest' syndrome many women may feel 'empty', especially if their whole life was around the kids.. So it's really important you take up some hobbies or charity work or interesting stuff you always wanted to do or learn.. This will make you happier and more interesting too.. And if you do cool projects together with your group, you'll have stuff to talk about too..

My Grandma started writing poetry when she was retired already! And she went for trips with the elderly and at times partied more than I did!
A friend's mom is with a painters' club and some women here are with 'herbal club' and there is a 'University for 3rd life era' or something like that, with cool classes on lots of interesting things!
In UK, I saw some people were museum volunteers etc. Lots of cool stuff to choose from!