Faded Negatives - this_portrait's Journal

[this_portrait]

I haven't written anything in months and want to get back into the routine, so I've decided to create this new journal. Since July I've had all these thoughts floating around inside my head and I'm at the point where I need to release them.

So without further ado...

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my social life (or lack thereof). Seems like ever since I got my kitten I don't really care about socializing or even dating. In a way, having a pet has taken away a lot of the loneliness I felt before. That doesn't mean I haven't been checking Meetup or the dating sites I'm on, but it does mean that I'm a lot less motivated to put much effort into interacting with people. I'm tired of it, really.

I don't know if this is what being content by yourself is supposed to be like or if I've just given up on other people entirely. I kind of feel as though I'm wasting away and leading a meaningless existence (especially since I'm not working at the moment), so instead of spending money I don't have, I need to write just so I feel like I'm doing something productive outside of taking care of myself and my kitten.

Whether I just have SA or something more is another thought that keeps popping up in my head. I made a topic about it on here not long ago and tried to do a little bit of my own research, but that's it. I could call my therapist, but I'm not sure if I want to see her again. I feel like finding a new one.

Tired. That just about sums me up. I'm tired of (most) people. Sometimes I wish I could just not even speak and write down what I want to say to others on a piece of paper. Beats the hell out of having to open my mouth and stumble over my own words. Let's face it, oral communication isn't my strong suit and probably never will be. If I'm not stuttering because I can't think of what to say, I'm not speaking loud enough. The written word is something I'll always be better at, because it's nowhere near as fast-paced.

And writing this has made me feel a little better tonight. I really should write every day, even if it's just mundane sh*t about what I did. The least little something will help me to make a daily habit out of the craft, no matter how stupid it sounds.

 

[1BlackSheep]

You summed up exactly how I'm feeling today! I'm just not as good at putting it in writing. It's a tough spot to be in, that's for sure. ::

 

[w*n*c*a*m]

where are you guys when i needed someone whom i can relate to???? i've read plenty of SA people here but it still feels like i'm the only person in the world who feels this SA. I've never ever met someone who's like me. Seriously! Anyway, it's nice that you're back to writing again. it's some kind of therapy too.

 

[this_portrait]

I came across a panic/anxiety/recovery center in Chicago after doing a Google search earlier. I requested a free pamphlet for SA, which comes with an application I can fill out to get in the center's programs. They have group sessions, which I'm kind of interested in attending, just to see what the people are like.

As for support groups in the city, not counting Meetup groups, there's only one that I know of (and apparently it's the only one I could find on Google, too). I've actually been to one meeting before, but it's way over on the other side of the city and I'd have to transfer trains and buses Lord knows how many times before I finally get there. Yeah, not really a fan of commuting that much.

 

[this_portrait]

Welp, I slept all day. I've been doing that a lot lately. There's a few reasons for it: 1) I don't want to spend a lot of time away from my kitten, especially since she has ringworm and I've been keeping her confined to a kitty crate with her food and litter box until it goes away. It's a pain in the ass because I have to give her a bath every other day and disinfect everything she touches. What makes it even more annoying is that she doesn't like being cooped up in a small space all the time and wants to explore the apartment, though she is more used to it than she was a few weeks ago.

So aside from "motherly duties," I've been sleeping a lot of the time because, 2) since I'm currently unemployed and money is limited, I'm trying to save by not going out much. For this whole week, unless I have a job interview, I'm only going out to get coffee and a copy of the RedEye. Since food is also scarce around my apartment and the cash in my wallet is low, sleeping helps me save what little food I have for when I'm really really hungry. I feel like an old peasant from way back in the old days, losing weight because I'm too poor to feed myself. Well, part of it is by choice. I have quite a bit of money in my checking account, but I don't want to take any out because I want to save it for the bills. I could beg my parents for money, but I really don't want to burden them, especially since my mother went a little overboard with buying me stuff for my birthday. Guess I'll have to suffer for a while.

And finally, I spend a lot of time sleeping because 3) I have nothing else better to do. No work, no social life, might as well sleep. Granted, having a social life would probably cause me to spend more money I don't have (unless it's a date, because then usually the guy would pay), and that doesn't sound appealing at all.

Damn, this is rather pathetic, haha...

 

[cowboyup]

And you don't have a hidden camera inside my brain?
haha::

Your thoughts = mine.

My brother keeps asking what's wrong. NOTHING. I just don't have anything to say - I'm like, thoughtless. Is that possible. Thoughtless and broke.

Well, look at it this way, maybe your brain, body, etc need a 'reboot' of sorts?

I am glad (and sad) to see that there are others who in a sense, hit a brick wall and it took everything outta ya, and ya just feel like you're limp - mind, body, spirit...

Sorry you are having a tough time! Hang in there and maybe writing your thoughts, no matter how mundane, will help you

 

[this_portrait]

I think I don't really have much of a choice but to beg my parents for some grocery money now.

Earlier, I went to run some errands and get some coffee and grub. After waiting in a long line at Dunkin' Donuts, I finally started back home. I didn't even get one block before I started feeling dizzy, my vision blurred a little, and it felt like I was going to throw up. I had to stop and sit down for a bit, which was pretty damn embarrassing because there were people (mostly students) passing by. Unsurprisingly, not one of them seemed to pay any attention or show concern, but then I really didn't want to explain things anyway. I just wanted to hurry up and feel better so I could get back to my apartment. Luckily, briefly resting helped, and I managed to walk the rest of the way home.

I feel much better now that I've eaten, but apparently this whole "waiting as long as possible to eat" scenario is already backfiring. The last time I felt that sickly was over a year ago. I talked to my then-boyfriend about it, and his response was, "You're malnourished." Seems likely, I suppose, but either way, it's a terrible feeling. I'd much rather deal with bloating than weakness from not eating. I don't know how anorexics can stand it, really.

So I guess I'll just have to suck it up and call my mother. Tell her the situation, how I don't want to deplete too much of my bank account because I have bills to pay, but I really need groceries (and cat litter), so could she please deposit around $60-$100 in my checking account. Oh, and don't tell my father, because it's bad enough he bitches that I need to "eat right" even when I am eating right.

God, it sucks being unemployed sometimes. I'm not letting it affect my self-worth like I did during my last period of unemployment, but man, it's a bitch.

 

[this_portrait]

There's more food in my kitchen now!!!

I did some grocery shopping today and bought kitty litter, bleach wipes, and food. My mother paid off my credit card so I could make these purchases, which was nice. Once I got back, I ended up taking a 3-hour nap before giving my kitten her regular bath. As much as she seems to hate it, she doesn't thrash around anywhere near as much as my old cat did. It makes the task a lot easier.

Other than that, not a whole lot happened today.

 

[this_portrait]

I feel like pulling all-nighter. I suppose it's a good time to do so, since I don't really have any major obligations and it would help me to get my sleep schedule back on track. Probably gonna pop a caffeine pill in a bit, and once the sun starts to come up, I'll get dressed and go for a walk to the 24-hour CVS while it's still cool out.

Part of the reason I'm still awake is because I was reading Stephen King's The Shining and didn't want to put the damn book down. I decided to call it quits after I finished the chapter where Danny goes into Room 217, not only to pace myself but also because that chapter kinda scared the bejeezus out of me. I remember watching the TV miniseries of that novel at a friend's house when I was 15, and while it's kinda vague, that scene scared me then, too. The magic cure for my fear? Letting my kitten climb all over my lap. See, there are benefits to living with someone.

Later on today, I need to get in touch with my primary care doctor and see if I can get my Prozac 'scripts from him instead of going to the psychiatrist I've been seeing since November of last year. For one, I would only have to see him once a year and call in about 4 times in a year to have the 'scripts written out. Second, I'm pretty sure the co-pay for seeing a specialist will be higher, and I'd much prefer to save money.

The thing is, I've been having some anxiety about making the switch. For some reason, I keep thinking my primary care physician won't agree to prescribe me the Prozac, even though most people get antidepressants through their primary care doctors anyway. I keep telling myself, "For Christ's sake, it's a prescription for Prozac, not a request to get your tubes tied!" The anxiety persists, though, and it probably won't go away until I call.

Real-life sh*t aside, reading tonight made me think about writing my own fiction again. As tempting as it is to post it online, I feel like I should refrain if I have hopes of getting it published one day. I guess it's just part of my tendency to overshare, or reveal too much too fast. Perhaps just posting small excerpts would be the better option... Just a thought.

Meh, I'm gonna take that caffeine pill now so I don't end up sleeping all day.

 

[this_portrait]

Today's the day I plan on cleaning my apartment high and low. I started doing some of the cleaning last night to get a head start and I intend to spend most of the day doing the rest. Just gotta do two loads of laundry, take out the trash, vacuum, mop the floors with bleach water, and reorganize a lot of my stuff. The laundry will probably be the only pain in the ass because I'm on the top floor and the laundry rooms are on the ground level.

I think my kitten may have ear mites. Whenever I clean her face and/or give her a bath, I clean out her ears as well, and she has these really dark brown, almost black, gunks of earwax every time. It's mostly in just one ear, though. At first I figured she just had a lot of earwax, but I was talking to my mother about it and she said, "Maybe she has ear mites." When I looked up the symptoms, I found that dark wax is a sign. Luckily I'm taking her to the vet this Friday, so if she really does have ear mites, they'll be able to be treated. Gahh, first ringworm, now possibly ear mites...

And in other news, I have a job interview this Wednesday. It's for a receptionist position at a salon. Lately I haven't had a whole lot of luck with even getting interviews, so hopefully this place will hire me. -crosses fingers-

 

[this_portrait]

I've neglected my writing. Shame on me.

Right now I'm somewhat stressed out from all the b/s I've been encountering lately, but I'm in no mood to talk about it. All I want to do is just forget about it for the time being.

 

[this_portrait]

Mother has been really getting on my ass about finding a job, even though she damn well knows I've been doing all I can to get one. Sometimes I feel like she tries to provoke me, to make me feel more stressed out than I want to be. After my last period of unemployment, I've surprisingly been doing a decent job of not getting all high-strung over being jobless. It's too draining, both physically and mentally, and it only leads to worrying about other, mostly irrelevant, things.

Honestly, though... I really can't f**king stand downtown office jobs, and the thought of working another one makes me back away from the job search a little. Waking up at an ungodly hour just so I can be on time without dealing with delayed trains, wearing uncomfortable work clothes, sitting all day in a corner, doing boring/tedious work, and then commuting home when everyone else does... Ugh, the thought of it just makes me want to scream or punch something.

Lately I just keep feeling more and more irritated with people in general. Even the thought of being in a crowded place pisses me off. I find myself thinking of random people as lowly pieces of trash simply because I have to be within a 5-foot radius of them when I'm out and about. Talk about misanthropy...

I really should attend a support group. Or find a new therapist. Or maybe just chill the hell out and find a buddy with the same negative attitude to hang out with.

 

[MikeyC]

Honestly, though... I really can't f**king stand downtown office jobs, and the thought of working another one makes me back away from the job search a little. Waking up at an ungodly hour just so I can be on time without dealing with delayed trains, wearing uncomfortable work clothes, sitting all day in a corner, doing boring/tedious work, and then commuting home when everyone else does... Ugh, the thought of it just makes me want to scream or punch something.

That doesn't sound good at all, I must admit. Now think of all the people that do that and hate it. It's got to be more than 50%, so you'd actually be part of the majority!

Lately I just keep feeling more and more irritated with people in general. Even the thought of being in a crowded place pisses me off. I find myself thinking of random people as lowly pieces of trash simply because I have to be within a 5-foot radius of them when I'm out and about. Talk about misanthropy...

Yeah, that's some misanthropy right there. What do you feel is causing you to think this way suddenly?

 

[Amitush123]

Know how you feel, I have a dog and I consider him to be part of the family, I spend hours upon hours with him everyday..I do not feel the need to ave any friends and enjoy the time alone immensely...however, I do feel the lack of girlfriend, and hope I will find one soon

 

[EscapeArtist]

ohh yes I get into those hate-everybody moods. What about exercise? It can take a lot of the angry energy away.

Is there such thing as a part-time office job? Or do you reaaally need to get an office job, any other options out there? It sounds really rather ****ty to be stuck in an office... all day long. Don't let your mom's job-anxiety get to you... You have been doing a lot to get a job, heck the fact that you've had jobs is a lot in the first place, compared to some peeps on here and myself. Props for keeping yourself actively looking despite that image of office hell

 

[this_portrait]

What do you feel is causing you to think this way suddenly?

This attitude has actually been building up for a while now. I started feeling and thinking this way not long after I got my last job, but I figured it would go away after I finished it. It didn't.

ohh yes I get into those hate-everybody moods. What about exercise? It can take a lot of the angry energy away.

Is there such thing as a part-time office job? Or do you reaaally need to get an office job, any other options out there? It sounds really rather ****ty to be stuck in an office... all day long. Don't let your mom's job-anxiety get to you... You have been doing a lot to get a job, heck the fact that you've had jobs is a lot in the first place, compared to some peeps on here and myself. Props for keeping yourself actively looking despite that image of office hell

Most of my "exercise" I get on a daily basis from having to walk nearly everywhere I go because I don't have a car.

I've been trying to get a job through temp agencies, and the majority of what they offer are office jobs, which are all mostly full-time. They also tend to pay better and are more likely to consider me because I have administrative/clerical experience, whereas retail stores tend to turn me down because I don't have retail experience. Having an office job wouldn't be so bad if it was closer to where I live, because then I wouldn't have to get up at an ungodly hour in the morning and deal with annoying people on public transportation.

 

[MikeyC]

This attitude has actually been building up for a while now. I started feeling and thinking this way not long after I got my last job, but I figured it would go away after I finished it. It didn't.

Perhaps something about leaving your last job has caused this behaviour. I hope it goes away soon.

 

[this_portrait]

^ Hopefully it will.

Today was definitely a lazy Sunday. I didn't leave my apartment for anything and just slept, cleaned up a bit, watched South Park, and flipped through some fashion magazines (one of which my kitten is using as a pillow right now).

God, it'd be so nice to have a paycheck every week (or even every two weeks). It sucks being nearly broke and bored most of the time. Granted, I'd probably get bored with whatever job I got real quick anyway. I guess when money is the primary reason to go into a job, it becomes so easy to hate.

Le sigh. Hopefully I'll get some calls this week.

 

[this_portrait]

Nowadays I have a rather apathetic attitude regarding social situations, more so with casual conversations than with professional ones (still tend to get nervous there, especially during interviews). I leave the hang out, date, conversation, etc., usually feeling... eh. Whatever. This is a major shift for me, because I used to feel either very happy or extremely nervous that I screwed something up.

I'm not sure what's caused this change in attitude. Maybe it's from being on Prozac for almost a year now. Maybe it's a result of all I went through during the past four years. I don't know if I should even be concerned about it. Hell, my apathy has also extended to other aspects of life; for instance, I almost, almost don't care that I'm nearly broke and jobless, even though I'm doing all I can to get at least a part-time position.

Perhaps there's something else going on in this chemical clusterf**k known as my brain. I'm considering keeping better track of my moods and thoughts, writing them down on paper, and then taking that information to a new therapist for input. That'll probably take Lord knows how long.

But anyway, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that tomorrow's interview with my school's library goes well and that I get the job.

 

[MikeyC]

The Prozac would certainly have a hand in this mental shift you're feeling. I'm under the impression it's a good thing.