Expressing my inner thoughts

[Nathália]

This is journal type thing, people are probably annoyed with me and my failed journals. It's hard to put attention on myself like this, but there are emotions that I have bottled up. So I changed my name, made my profile blank because I feel very embarrassed. Even after 1,000 post it's hard to post and wonder how I'm being looked at but it's something that helps in a way. Some days I'm to shy to even look at the forums and express myself they way I want because of the fear.

This is not just for me though. I can relate to many people on anxiety issues and depression and many of you I admire/care for many of you because of that reason. I have felt similar or in the same way. You are not less than because you deal with this thing and it's very sad that people have to feel this continuous pain. People can only control so much, but most of the time it has nothing to do with you personally, it's just life, it has nothing to do with how good of a person that you are. I'm so sorry that you all struggle. I have ran into some very beautiful people on here, beauty that's far more than looks. From my perspective I'm thinking these are really not bad people, but they just feel awful and don't really know how special they are. I feel very annoyed by myself saying "I'm sorry", but there is nothing more I can say sometimes besides that. I'm not confident enough to advise people much, but I will give my opinion here and there.

My post is long and me rambling. I have been more content lately, but of course the pain I can't just remove it all of the way. Yeah, I'm even going to regret this post. This can be very hard to share. Anyways I have a long ways to go before I feel less shame, I'm a work in progress still, which is probably why I want to post this because I want to keep trying and trying even if I fail, because I don't like feeling like _____.

 

[mikebird]

I've relied on forums at a professional level. I've never liked the term 'blog'. Journal is a good word for it. History is important. Forum is how Romans used to share their thoughts. It's a Latin word. For debates. I had this regular at school.

I've thrived at work when in trouble finding answers to things. I always got a solution from experience of others. I was new to the internet in 1994. It wasn't there while I was at school.

::

 

[GraybeardGhost]

This is journal type thing, people are probably annoyed with me and my failed journals. It's hard to put attention on myself like this, but there are emotions that I have bottled up. So I changed my name, made my profile blank because I feel very embarrassed. Even after 1,000 post it's hard to post and wonder how I'm being looked at but it's something that helps in a way. Some days I'm to shy to even look at the forums and express myself they way I want because of the fear.

This is not just for me though. I can relate to many people on anxiety issues and depression and many of you I admire/care for many of you because of that reason. I have felt similar or in the same way. You are not less than because you deal with this thing and it's very sad that people have to feel this continuous pain. People can only control so much, but most of the time it has nothing to do with you personally, it's just life, it has nothing to do with how good of a person that you are. I'm so sorry that you all struggle. I have ran into some very beautiful people on here, beauty that's far more than looks. From my perspective I'm thinking these are really not bad people, but they just feel awful and don't really know how special they are. I feel very annoyed by myself saying "I'm sorry", but there is nothing more I can say sometimes besides that. I'm not confident enough to advise people much, but I will give my opinion here and there.

My post is long and me rambling. I have been more content lately, but of course the pain I can't just remove it all of the way. Yeah, I'm even going to regret this post. This can be very hard to share. Anyways I have a long ways to go before I feel less shame, I'm a work in progress still, which is probably why I want to post this because I want to keep trying and trying even if I fail, because I don't like feeling like _____.

Sometimes, when we're crying out in pain, expecting nothing in reply but an echo from the cold, dark void, even just a few words of kindness can make a world of difference. I know from personal experience, and I believe others will agree, that you make that difference just about every time you post. You're right in saying that there are a lot of beautiful, special people here, but you seem not to realize that you are one of them. I'm certain that when you post, no one sees the fear or the shame. Instead, we see a beautiful, compassionate young woman who cares enough—and actually takes the time—to say, "I'm sorry," and who in saying just that little bit, and saying it from the heart, says so much more. Please don't ever stop.

 

[Nathália]

Thank you for your responses. Thank very much GraybeardGhost for your kind/meaningful post I appreciate it.
___________________

I have have become a different person over time because of life. This is just the internet right? I could anonymously express, but it's not that easy. The other day I was walking and jumped at something as small as a leaf scurrying across the side walk.

It made me wonder what really happened to myself? I'm scared of friken leaf making noise? I also cry at the smallest things and I want to slap my self out of it. I really am very weak/fragile right now. I could salute myself and march out the door like a soldier, but it's not doing anything feeling cowardice. My heart is fluttering just talking about it because it brings me back to the moment.

I really have done a 180 degree turn with who I am. Feeling so small and depending on others. No matter how much I try to shake myself back to a person who I once was I can't, like I'm a new being. Yeah I have a lot of gloomy things to say and hopefully revelations.

I do feel addicted or maybe just accustomed to the "moonlight" and scared of too much "sunshine" fearing that it's just another fraud.

 

[Nathália]

Friday @ 7:00 should I be out on the town right now. I don’t really see myself as an “out on the town” person. Usually my Fridays are full of things to do and my Mondays are the free days. I did spring cleaning earlier this week so I don’t have much to do at all.

Earlier today I walked to the gas station seeing a few classmates I went to school with. I live behind a district with stores and restaurants and every now and then I see a familiar faces and I wonder what they think about me now? One girl worked behind the counter and I noticed she kept eye balling me, I don’t even know her name, I just knew her face. She probably was thinking the same thing, but I tried not to look at her. From my last run in with an ex-classmate I learned not to tell people that I know them from somewhere. Plus, the “friends” that I had it would be even more awkward to run into them. I could go and sit and eat in a restaurant alone, but I’m afraid to be seen.

There is a nice Chinese restaurant with only 4 booths in it in the far corner of the shops. A low key hole in the wall and it has mirrors all over the place. I really don’t want to see myself while eating, I rather be facing a wall when eating in public because I don’t have to worry about looking at people too much and picking apart my flaws. I just want to chow down and worry about my food. Which is why I eat out ( as in sit out) hardly ever.

Edit: I'm going to go take some remeron ( anti depressant with sleep aid) and make it a new day because I think too much and sometimes my thoughts can be unorganized.

 

[Nathália]

Thank goodness I'm getting help today. My anxiety disorders have been out of wack. I've been flinching so scared and just wanting to not live now because of it. Right now OCD is making me want to pick up scissors and stab myself in the stomach. Do I really want to do something like that or ever cause harm to myself like that? No way! That would be one of the worst slow and painful ways to die. I feel like I'm fighting not hurting myself because I don't want to. Yesterday I had a good day, but my fear of death was high.

I get help in four hours, but I just want to curl up and cry right now, because of flashback everything it's just insane. I'm in a weird position. I have a huge comforter balled up into my stomach laying on my elbow while typing in my bed.

I put comforters and pillows in my stomach because I feel less vulnerable and it calms my anxiety down. I feel safe. I also have been tempted to throw myself down the stairs. DO I really want to do that? No. I love my teeth and it it seems painful of course which is why I flinch at the stairs and I'm scared to be near them. So I don't even want to leave my room to go eat.

I hope my SA is not getting in the way while I talk to someone about this. I can't live like this, so I really have to express this. I start getting ticks the worse it gets because I flinch at the thought of things. I don't want to imagine me cracking m neck from falling down some stairs etc.

I'm going to be a "roly poly" for the next for few hours just to cope with images flashing and urges. Turn up my TV or leave on some music to help get outside of my head. Some of these images are real events, most are not and me trying to fight them out.

I wonder if I come back with medicine. I hope they don't send me off somewhere. I would be yelled at if I had to go somewhere safe. I think I'll be okay once I talk about it and someone can help me. I haven't had these in months, they come and I can't help it. I really want to live, I just don't like this.

 

[Nathália]

Sorry about the previous post.

I'm less upset now even if I'm officially off of break. Last week I was annoyed with someone who I thought I blocked and those things can add extra stress on me especially when I'm in school. Glad I wasn't.

Funny. It was my infamous ex, I thought I was going to fight with him, I did say somethings to him and I expected him to come back with an attitude. I told him how it scared me when I opened my inbox, it did, I almost lost my food and had a panic attack.

He didn't give me my attitude back and told me nothing could take away the good memories he had with me and he didn't want anything from me, he just wanted to tell me that.

I was like, okay and your point is? You haven't talked to me in 7 months. I asked him was he on drugs and was something wrong with him? Then he just repeated the same thing about how he felt in the relationship and said he wasn't doing anything.

Was that supposed to make me feel better or something? I've been good for 7 months without you. Plus his memories of me brings back a good feelings and my memories bring back pain because of what he did.

I want to be single for a while, music is my relationship and so is my pecan ice cream. If only I could find a just a friend who I could relate to.

There is one person who I know I could be cool with no matter how long we've been apart, but she hangs out someone I don't get along with and I don't want drama in my life.

I never even bothered the girl, she just said something real nasty to me and ignored her, just the type that wants to pick fights with people.

Ridiculous.

 

[MikeyC]

I don't have the time right now to read every post here but I'm absolutely going to. You're a great person with a big heart and I hope you find peace.

 

[surewhynot]

Music and pecan ice cream, what else can someone ask for :3

 

[MikeyC]

I feel very annoyed by myself saying "I'm sorry", but there is nothing more I can say sometimes besides that. I'm not confident enough to advise people much, but I will give my opinion here and there.

Nathalia, you don't realise the impact this can have. It shows that, 1. You acknowledge someone is struggling, 2. You are compassionate about their issues, and 3. You've at least read their post. You are very invaluable.

Friday @ 7:00 should I be out on the town right now. I don’t really see myself as an “out on the town” person. Usually my Fridays are full of things to do and my Mondays are the free days. I did spring cleaning earlier this week so I don’t have much to do at all.

Going out in town is not for everyone. I do it occasionally, but I'm running out of friends that like doing it, too. At the age of 26, my friends already have girlfriends so it's hard to get them to agree to go out to places. I don't like to do it often, though.

Um, enough about me. If you like to go out, do it. There's no rule saying you have to stay long, go on the dance floor, or drink. If you already have plans every Friday, it'll leave little time for going out on the town.

I've witnessed fights and stupid drunk people on the town, too. Less cool than you might think. (I have occasionally been that stupid drunk person.)

music is my relationship

Yep, I can absolutely agree to this for me, too. Music is the best.

 

[Nathália]

Nathalia, you don't realise the impact this can have. It shows that, 1. You acknowledge someone is struggling, 2. You are compassionate about their issues, and 3. You've at least read their post. You are very invaluable.


Going out in town is not for everyone. I do it occasionally, but I'm running out of friends that like doing it, too. At the age of 26, my friends already have girlfriends so it's hard to get them to agree to go out to places. I don't like to do it often, though.

Um, enough about me. If you like to go out, do it. There's no rule saying you have to stay long, go on the dance floor, or drink. If you already have plans every Friday, it'll leave little time for going out on the town.

I've witnessed fights and stupid drunk people on the town, too. Less cool than you might think. (I have occasionally been that stupid drunk person.)


Yep, I can absolutely agree to this for me, too. Music is the best.

I have to deal with a rowdy bunch in some afternoons, after dealing with that. I don't want to deal with that anymore. ::

I'm not old enough to do that just yet, but I have been to the districts here in the day time and sat outside them at night and listened to the music because I'm not allowed in after a certain time.

Poor Mikey. You get wild with liquor? Yeah some places are just too off the chain.

~ gracias

 

[MikeyC]

I'm not old enough to do that just yet, but I have been to the districts here in the day time and sat outside them at night and listened to the music because I'm not allowed in after a certain time.

This sounds like you do want to go in to these places. It will happen when you're old enough, and you'll either love it or wonder why you were so excited in the first place!

Poor Mikey. You get wild with liquor?

Depended on the night, but sometimes my inhibitions would very much decrease. Not much of a drinker anymore, and I don't miss that annoying side of me.

 

[Nathália]

This sounds like you do want to go in to these places. It will happen when you're old enough, and you'll either love it or wonder why you were so excited in the first place!


Depended on the night, but sometimes my inhibitions would very much decrease. Not much of a drinker anymore, and I don't miss that annoying side of me.

I'm skeptical. It would make use of those stiletto's I've bought, but never worn. I'm still so tempted to buy cute non casual clothes, but I don't feel good in them. I am insecure especially when it comes to my body.

That is even frowned upon for me as a female. I think it goes for both sexes. Many men want a woman that is confident. I have been told many times “It’s not about what you have, but how you work with it.”

Can people be shy in areas like the social world, but be confident with their sexuality, body image, intelligence, humor and whatever qualities that one has?

I tried to think of one thing that I am confident in and the things that I came up with all had flaws in them. Maybe I shouldn’t pay attention to the flaws and work with what I have? Then I thought some more about one quality that I am confident in. I can bake some mean cakes. I’m also serious about my brownies and cookie batches.

I don’t like to admit how insecure I am. They’re not exactly the nicest and easiest words to say coming from my mouth and fingers.

I wonder if my confidence is backed by passion and passion for me is one thing I lack. This negativity sits in me and comes back around and bites me to moments where I feel like I rather be non-existent.

This will hopefully help me to exam my thoughts by throwing them out. I’ve been negative Nancy, I don't exactly want to be preppy Sue maybe like a Lucy examine yourself and the world better. Yeah I'm rambling nonsense!

 

[Nathália]

I want to scream. OCD out of everything annoys me the most. So much is on my mind it drives me to the point where I wish my head would just explode. It really makes me want to vomit sometimes. Most of the things that I write I erase and retype them a lot, it ridiculous how much time I can spend on one sentence and how much I can reread it.

Yea I use ridiculous now because my clinic banned the word crazy because they think it’s an offensive word that shouldn’t be used. I have no clue. Should I say “man that’s bananas”? I wonder about the phrase “I’ve lost my mind”. I don’t know, but I didn’t know that that the word “crazy” was always offensive, I thought it was depending on the context and how a person uses it.

I got way off topic. I have things bothering me and it’s going to take some babbling for me to get to it.

I did post poems to help me express, but right now I can’t even thing straight to make a decent poem right now. At this moment my poem would probably go something like this “Slap, slap slap, shut up, shut up, shut up and a slap” because I’m too frustrated to think clearly to the point where I can't produce something that would make sense.

Yeah somethings are getting on my nerves, I will have to vent about that later. I don't know. Yeah, I'm going to get myself into so much trouble....

 

[1BlackSheep]

Then I thought some more about one quality that I am confident in. I can bake some mean cakes. I’m also serious about my brownies and cookie batches.

Haha - I love that! You go girl, with your mean cakes, brownies, and cookies! And don't forget to post them in the Food pics thread!

 

[Nathália]

My thoughts have been jumbled. I’ve been thinking about my biological father and it’s been upsetting me bringing back events. My father was way less abusive than my step “dad”. Some people in my family weren’t wise with the choices in people that they’ve dated. My step “dad” actually seemed like a nice man at first wolves in sheep clothing type of thing and my father I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for him despite how mean he is. Plus my cousin dated a man that tops the both of them; we had to stay with her when we first moved and had nowhere to live. Most of stuff was robbed from a storage unit and we literally had nothing but the clothes on our backs and had to stay with our cousin and her crazy boyfriend that went on a stabbing rampage around the house. That night was one of the worse nights of my life. My mom told me and my sister to hide in the closet and call 911 and when that man opened up that closet with r knife I was praying he didn’t touch me, he grabbed my sister instead and I saw him smashed her against the mirror I ran out bedroom and saw her run out the garage, so I was the last one in the house I was scared if I tried to unlock the door I wouldn’t be fast enough so I ran up the stairs into the kitchen and tried to get some knives myself and tried to break windows to get out. My cousin my hero, he came up to the balcony just in time to help me get out from the sliding glass door. There was a stick, I pulled the stick up. The next scene when I got out the house is really the one I can’t stop getting nightmares about. We all lived that night; it still haunts me. I have had an instance before where men have broken into my house and threatened to kill my mom and me, which was one of the reasons why we moved over 1000miles away, plus the schools were better, but we moved into more drama it never stopped. The schools here are better, but people are still cruel no matter where you can go. Just 3 years ago we moved from apartments into a town house and over here it is peaceful. I have a crazy neighbor, but don’t a lot of us have those? Those apartments bring back bad memories too and I lived a lot of my life in them. They also bring back beautiful memories because after what that man did that night, I didn’t want to stay in that place with my cousin. For a while it was me, my mother and my sister, we didn’t even have cable for a while and slept on one mattress on the floor. I was happy because I felt safe for a little while until we found out where we were living wasn’t so peaceful. My mother worked her bones of to make sure we had she would work 2 jobs and I had to come off the bus stop some days and I ran straight into that house and double locked the doors and when my niece got older I had to get her and I would carry protection because there were very shady people. Those events would be a very long story to tell about all the crazy people and their antics.

My biological father he triggers this and for a long story that can go on longer. Next year I’m taking my first plane ride back around my hometown. I go back every few summers, but this is going to be my first time on a plane. I’m more nervous than excited because I don’t share much in common with my family, they would disown if they knew about my beliefs and they are very superstitious and religious. My cousins drove here a few months ago and it was an ignorance fest and mema telling all my business. There are a few people who I want to pay my respect too like my aunts, I just hope this trip is more about family fun and us enjoying each other. I know that I’m going to be the awkward one or I’m going to be judged because how I talk, my dad sigh……….Why can’t we just go to Brazil or Tahiti? Some of us can even move there permanently * wink wink*. Okay I think I let some of it out to wind my emotions down a bit. I do have so much inside.

 

[MikeyC]

That is an awful story about that guy stabbing, Nathalia. Wow. :: I can imagine something like that would have a profound and negative effect on you.

 

[Nathália]

Thank you Mikey and Thank you Blacksheep.

Someone told me they would like to get to know me better, it's a nice thing to say. I do want to meet people and be friends. I was very scared to be honest and it made me nervous. What good do I have to offer to a friendship? Will I just become to boring for this person to talk to because at moments I become silent? My life sucks, do people really want to know about my boring day in and day out routines? I look gross who wants to be around me? There are better people who have more exciting lives. Then I worry about conversation and the things that I did wondering if I pushed that person away.

All these negative thoughts and me feeling not worthy. I don't think I should be a person worthy of much, praise makes me feel uncomfortable. Someone from school called and congratulated me on my grades, they were more excited than me. Expanding my ego is uncomfortable because I worry about arrogance.


I know the root of these thoughts. I haven't talked to my therapist in a while......
This thread was supposed to have more happiness/positivity, but I am improving gradually..
I wish I could just skip ladedadeda and it automatically made me happy. Yippie, I'm here to rain on peoples parade!!!!!!

Excuse my sarcasm.

 

[truffleshuffle]

I'm skeptical. It would make use of those stiletto's I've bought, but never worn. I'm still so tempted to buy cute non casual clothes, but I don't feel good in them. I am insecure especially when it comes to my body.

That is even frowned upon for me as a female. I think it goes for both sexes. Many men want a woman that is confident. I have been told many times “It’s not about what you have, but how you work with it.”

Can people be shy in areas like the social world, but be confident with their sexuality, body image, intelligence, humor and whatever qualities that one has?

I tried to think of one thing that I am confident in and the things that I came up with all had flaws in them. Maybe I shouldn’t pay attention to the flaws and work with what I have? Then I thought some more about one quality that I am confident in. I can bake some mean cakes. I’m also serious about my brownies and cookie batches.

I don’t like to admit how insecure I am. They’re not exactly the nicest and easiest words to say coming from my mouth and fingers.

I wonder if my confidence is backed by passion and passion for me is one thing I lack. This negativity sits in me and comes back around and bites me to moments where I feel like I rather be non-existent.

This will hopefully help me to exam my thoughts by throwing them out. I’ve been negative Nancy, I don't exactly want to be preppy Sue maybe like a Lucy examine yourself and the world better. Yeah I'm rambling nonsense!

You are not alone. I think everyone is insecure with there bodys or at least most. Its just some have found ways to hide that fact better than others and come off more confident. I have a younger brother who is very insecure when it comes to his body although he is tall and good looking and has girls fawning all over him. If you didn;t know him he would seem real confident he just found a way to hid it better. Me on the other hand have not figured it out yet.

 

[Nathália]

I just found out m only existing grandparent is having complications and needs a surgery on his back something about a blood vessel and a cyst, not sure because I forgot, but he needs back surgery. He's 82 years old. He said he really needed us be there and he's never asked that, for 82 years old he gets around and is a strong person.

So, we're going on a early trip 1,000 miles away on a 15-17 hour drive to Albany Georgia next week, the big city traffic in Atlanta depends. I'm very upset and I can't stop shaking. I saw the look on my mothers face like she wanted to cry, but was fighting it.

Everyone has to take off from work, my sister is puling her kids out of school next week for this. We're going in a rental car. It sucks when you live so far from family that needs you the most and you're very far from them.

Albany GA is not too far from my hometown. Years ago my favorite aunt passed away and we had to take a emergency trip and I was upset I never got to spend time with her. My head is just racing.

Right, I just had to say " this year isn't that bad yet". It's going to be a financial tight time until income taxes come in, so for 4 months. The man is 82, I just hope the best, but I don't want to be too optimistic.

My grandfather is much closer to me than most people in my family. My mother, my grandfather and even though my sister drives me up a straight m***f*** wall I still love the girl very much.


Edit: Now I'm even more upset because I just thought about school. I can do do my work ahead of time, but I can't get too many marks off of participation points and doing all that work in one setting. Sigh, I'm stressed, I just hope it's not early next week. I have to talk to everyone when they're calm. I guess I'll go play a game or do a hobby something to keep my mind off of this.