I've never really taken the time to reply a post but when I read what you wrote I can't help but to see a little of the way I use to feel. I know when you are feeling down like the way you feel, there isn't really anything anyone could say to make you feel better, it's always the same words like you're beautiful no matter what , you're special, stuff like that which is absolutely true but it won't mean anything to you. Well it didn't mean anything to me.
What I can do is share my story a little, that's how I motivated myself when I read what other people could achieve , I told my myself if they can do it, so can I. I've always been able to gain weight easily and during my teenage years so I would constantly be on a healthy diet in order to watch my weight. Subconsciously I became a more self absorbed person who constantly wanted to look good in order to feel good. I had a mother who always picked on everything, I never looked good enough for her even when I was my lightest she would say I needed to lose weight and improve the way I looked, which could be the reason why I had to eat healthy so I don't gain anymore weight. Growing up as a teenage girl in my neighborhood wasn't easy, I always had to walk school and over here we have something called tuition which are basically extra night classes which literally everyone goes to. I would be either whistled at or followed by strange men and coming from a broken family I lived alone with my mom, I didn't want to burden her with my safety so I never told anyone. There were a couple of times where I had I run home from classes because men were trying to stop me and well you know what comes after. I was even chased by a couple of men pulling and touching me. It was because of the way I looked like, and I'm sure any girl would understand how it would feel to be scared especially at that age. I slowly became depressed and my mother was no help either. I felt like it was because of the way I looked that I had to go through something like that, and I absolutely hated it, I just wanted people to talk to me for me. So I gave it up, no more diet no more exercise. I just wanted to focus on my education and not have to bother about the way I looked. And naturally I gained weight over a couple of years, not just a little weight about 40 kgs more heavy. I was perfectly fine with it, but what I realize was the way I was treated for being heavy. Not ony my mother , of course she called me fat and ugly everyday but the people around me treated me like I was an alien or something. Everytime I would meet someone who I haven't seen in a while, instead of saying hi how are you they would right away say things like " wow you have gained so much weight" and then proceed to laugh at me. No one looked at me anymore, or gave me any attention which was exactly what I wanted but it came at a price of being chosen last or basically made fun of by any stranger , friend or family.
At the age of 23 I realized how unhealthy I was, I couldnt go up a flight of strais without feeling like I was going to die. I was constantly tired and I had no energy or whatsoever. And it was right about the time I came back to my coutnry after studying and working abroad for a little. I started to look for a job, in my head I thought I could get at job I applied for because I felt confident with what I knew and what I could do. But guess what, it's not the way it works. I didn't get any job I applied for, I went on countless amount if interviews and they all said the same nonsense " you're over qualified" or "we hired internally" which basically at that time meant " you're a loser " to me. I became even more depressed and we don't have any unemployment benefits in my country, if you have no money you die. So I did what I could to survive, thought a couple of students part time and used my savings to get by daily. That's when it hit me, I spent all this while pleasing everyone else and I have forgotten to take care of myself. I had turned into a depressed, sad, lonely person who thought it was over, that there was nothing left to life. But I had one last thing, myself. And I knew, what I had to do. No one was going to help me, no miracle is going to happen. I was the only person who could save me. So I decided that in order to start a new life I had to first make myself better mentally and physically. I took care of the mental part first because it was easier, then came the physical part. I knew in my head what I needed to do, I just never took the effort to do it. So I told myself I was going to stop over eating, being lazy, and start doing things right and I wasn't going to look back. 27 days later I lost 15 kgs just like that , I didn't even exercise much because I knew I had to slowly incoperate exercise not something someone 40 kgs overweight can do everyday. Now I exercise almost every day not because I want to be skinny, because it actually feels good, even if its just for 20 mins it's the 20 mins I spend a day for me for my body. I'm not even tempted anymore with food because once I started realizing the amount of calories I was eating my body naturally started to adjust and needed less. It was all in my head, I just had to flip a switch which you can do to. Do it for you, not for anyone else.
I am very much happier now, I feel great, I enjoy little things everyday and tomorrow I have a job interview for a really good position. I feel more confident than I was before. Hopefully I get the job
I realize once you start feeling happy , and you work really hard for it, good things happen.
You can do this Rxqueen, I did. Nothing comes easy, but trust me the challenge is worth it. You're worth it. Start working hard for what you want, doesn't matter if its to be healthier or getting a good job or doing your Masters. Nothing can go wrong when you work hard for it.
" the difference between who you are and what you wan to be is what you do"
// Kavi
