I realized yesterday that I have (yet another) problem. My original problem is that most of the time I feel very, very lonely. In short, I have some classmates I talk to at college but right now I'm done with my courses and just doing my graduation project, and I never really met with them outside school. They, and pretty much almost everyone else in this country only seems to be interested in partying and football. The very few nerds around are only into RPGs and anime, not really my things. There are no groups or communities involving my interests on my city, at least none that shows their existence online.
I'm 24 years old, and in 19 years I haven't had a female friend, so even less a girlfriend. The core of my SA is to socialize with women, in an engineering faculty there aren't really any scenarios that encourage this. Trust me when I tell you that my only chance is to approach absolute strangers, as likely as that could be to work, or wait to be ridiculously lucky, which never happens to me. I am working with therapy to eventually build relationships (not only romantic ones) in person, but in my current situation I don't see that happening any time soon, if anything not until as a minimum a year and a half where I might study abroad in the US (I have a tiny and with my depression fading hope of being more likely to meet like-minded people there).
But then in the meantime, as you know in way way or another, loneliness sucks big time. The problem I realized about yesterday is that, as the title says, I don't feel capable of forming new friendships because of desperation. You'll see, the thing is that in the scenario I've described, my only option left for the moment it's online friends. But, and here's the freaking but, I thought I had several online friends but many of them let me down or bailed on me for dumb reasons, and ended up with just a few, and due to location or their schedules they can't be online at all the moments I'm online, specially at nights. This leaves me feeling very lonely and sad. I am aware of how extremely unhealthy is this attitude. I do have my hobbies, but certainly they just can't completely replace human interaction. It gets worst because due to this feeling of void I crave for a deep connection, on a level that sincerely exceeds a friendship. That's why no longer feel capable of forming new friendships, I feel that I am good with the ones I have right now. If someone wants to know me and try to be friends I'm cool with that, but since I have this silly desperation for being in a relationship, when see any girl I find interesting online I prefer to just avoid contact her since I can't offer a sincere friendship, because if I'd try to be her friend I'll most likely would end up attached to her and feeling bad out of jealousy, not to mention a "what's the point" feeling that completely discourages me from wanting to talk to them anyway.
Right now I guess I rather endure the loneliness than a hurtful friendship, but it still sucks and I wish I just stopped caring altogether.
I'm 24 years old, and in 19 years I haven't had a female friend, so even less a girlfriend. The core of my SA is to socialize with women, in an engineering faculty there aren't really any scenarios that encourage this. Trust me when I tell you that my only chance is to approach absolute strangers, as likely as that could be to work, or wait to be ridiculously lucky, which never happens to me. I am working with therapy to eventually build relationships (not only romantic ones) in person, but in my current situation I don't see that happening any time soon, if anything not until as a minimum a year and a half where I might study abroad in the US (I have a tiny and with my depression fading hope of being more likely to meet like-minded people there).
But then in the meantime, as you know in way way or another, loneliness sucks big time. The problem I realized about yesterday is that, as the title says, I don't feel capable of forming new friendships because of desperation. You'll see, the thing is that in the scenario I've described, my only option left for the moment it's online friends. But, and here's the freaking but, I thought I had several online friends but many of them let me down or bailed on me for dumb reasons, and ended up with just a few, and due to location or their schedules they can't be online at all the moments I'm online, specially at nights. This leaves me feeling very lonely and sad. I am aware of how extremely unhealthy is this attitude. I do have my hobbies, but certainly they just can't completely replace human interaction. It gets worst because due to this feeling of void I crave for a deep connection, on a level that sincerely exceeds a friendship. That's why no longer feel capable of forming new friendships, I feel that I am good with the ones I have right now. If someone wants to know me and try to be friends I'm cool with that, but since I have this silly desperation for being in a relationship, when see any girl I find interesting online I prefer to just avoid contact her since I can't offer a sincere friendship, because if I'd try to be her friend I'll most likely would end up attached to her and feeling bad out of jealousy, not to mention a "what's the point" feeling that completely discourages me from wanting to talk to them anyway.
Right now I guess I rather endure the loneliness than a hurtful friendship, but it still sucks and I wish I just stopped caring altogether.