Does/would SP stop you getting married and/or having kids?

[nightcrawler]

It's probably a silly question in a social phobia forum, but does SP/SAD single-handedly stop you from ever getting married and/or having kids? Has anyone here actually managed to do either of these things whilst battling with SP?

Whether I want to get married or not, just the thought of being the focal point of attention for an entire day would be a nightmare. I know this is negative thinking, but I just don't think I could go through with it. Weddings are bad enough when they are someone elses!. Then there's kids. They are highly unpredictable and attract a lot of attention in public places. Someone like myself who has SP likes to be in control whenever in a public place, especially like on buses, trains etc. Having a kid with me who is forever crying or asking for this & that whilst sitting on a packed train is just something I couldn't do. Obviously there are good things about having kids with someone you love (still waiting for the latter let alone the former!) but for me babys/kids attract far too much attention for someone who doesn't want it ::

 

[BlackPuma]

I believe there was a thread here very recently about someone that got married not long ago, so it's certainly not out of the question. :3

 

[Feathers]

People have very different variants of SA, some have gotten married and have kids, yup...

Actually, sometimes having kids around (even if they are other people's ) can actually make you 'braver' (it's like you have instant 'backup' ) And you need to be brave for the kids and be a good example etc.

Some people also experience SA in very specific situations, and other people would maybe never guess that they have it...

Have you seen the movie with Julia Roberts where she ran away from every wedding? They finally had a marriage in private under a tree then, in nature, just the two of them, limited amount of people, very beautiful.. There are different kinds of marriages and weddings, a friend just went to the registration office with her men and the witnesses and then had a mini lunch with her closest family.. (She was thinking about just having a picknick with closest friends before that..)
So there are more and less 'private' options..

Some people also never marry and just live together (or apart and date long-term), for many various reasons, so there are definitely many options 'out there'...

As for kids and how well behaved they are, that is partly up to the parents (and rest of family) how good boundaries you make, how you bring them up, is anyone spoiling them etc. I don't know if I'd dare to have kids either.. I'm not completely against it, depending on the significant other or some other factors...

There are women and men who don't want kids or who are 'undecided/open', or have had kids before with other people, or who have kids living with ex partners etc. so again, there are a lot of different options out there!! Some couples even can't have kids even though they want them, so even wanting them guarantees nothing! (&you can always put yours up for adoption if worst happens!! (j/k!) )

It's good to be honest about it with your long-term partner though, and have things 'out in the open'.. Some people are really stuck on having kids, some just don't care either way, or are 'somewhere inbetween'... It can be a growing experience.. Many people say that you really 'grow up' when you have kids yourself!! Also, things that matter change, priorities change..

A friend said she never 'cared much for kids' and 'wasn't good with kids' but with her kid, it was totally different... You might even discover hidden talents

Oh, and many people with kids have cars or bikes for transport.. Though I've been transported on buses and trains as a kiddie too and loved it!! It was kinda like an adventure! Churches were way more difficult to be peaceful in!! hehe

 

[Feathers]

Basil, I know a couple who is quite happy together and the gf said her bf had troubles with depression.. She sends him off to go biking then...

It really depends on you and how you are handling the depression. Are you actively managing it, tweaking nutrition and lifestyle, getting enough fresh air and exercise.. minimizing internetz & computer, etc. Doing CBT etc. There are a lot of factors involved..

It also depends how severe your depression is, how well you've learnt to 'combat' it...
It's irrational to think someone else will 'chase all your troubles away', so it's good to learn how to do this yourself..

Also know there are different women out there - some with certain problems or maybe family members or friends with this, so they may be more or less sympathetic.. some may have had a difficult childhood or health or mental health problems too...
I'm not sure how wise it is to have two people with problems together, depends what kind of people they are, and how well they can handle RL or aspects like money etc.

I've seen happy couples of 'special people' (with learning difficulties and such) that live together in a 'home'.. healthy people even have married invalids (eg a guy on a wheelchair!!)
There are very many different people out there... Maybe your best bet is to start meeting more people in general? Clubs that interest you and volunteering or such may be a good start?

 

[Tiercel]

Does/would SP stop you getting married and/or having kids?

It has so far....

Though it's hard to determine how much I should blame on SP and how much I should blame myself for not trying hard enough.

 

[MelonCollie]

Just be sure to be with someone who understands your social phobia and is patient with it. My dad is social phobic, and my mother isn't and she gets so frustrated with my father's behaviors sometimes. It's really a strain.

 

[***deleted***]

maybe, i dated a guy who wanted a really big wedding, and thought i would never marry him b/c of it..
and i was CRAZY about him

 

[kylesesh]

Well it didnt stop me getting engaged but she turned gay and called it off :'(

 

[BlueDays]

I learnt to be careful what you wish for the hard way.
I got married years ago and it was a complete disaster.
I believe a person with SA getting married (without figuring out a way to "manage" it at least) is like building a house out of twigs.

There are many different degrees of SA. If it is quite bad and affects your life daily, I think you need to have your SA in a "managable" state at least, for a marriage to work in the long term.

 

[Mickery]

Marriage can be very small and private, so as long as the other person doesn't have serious objections... not really.

Children are more of a problem. Avoidance seems to be strongly influenced by similarly inclined parents and I'm not sure to what extent I could avoid passing it on, whether it is fair to take that risk, or whether I would be a suitably engaging parent at all.

 

[BlueDays]

BlueDays, are you still married? what was the main difficulties you faced if this was not so personal? how did you meet the girl and did she know about your suffering with SA before the marriage? (just ignore this post if you don't want to talk about that)

no longer married, I got divorced 8 years ago.
main difficulties: SA made my self-esteem non-existant, so therefore I did not know how to prevent my ex-husband (I am a girl) from "walking all over me" so to speak.
When I met him, I did not even know that what I had had a name! He always knew I was "unusually" shy. In hindsight I think he liked that because he realized he could always get his own way because I was not assertive enough to stick up for myself.
I think SA can make you end up in situations that someone without SA would never allow themselves to end up in.::

But mistakes are not mistakes unless you don't learn from them!

 

[kihira]

Has anyone here actually managed to do either of these things whilst battling with SP?

Yes

...being the focal point of attention for an entire day would be a nightmare.

Yes it was, but I survived.

but for me babys/kids attract far too much attention for someone who doesn't want it ::

It would be a great pity to miss out on the wonders of having kids because of that - they are well worth any pain

 

[Rembrandt Broam]

I can see that having SA might stop some people from getting into a position where they'd be able to get married (ie. their SA stops them interacting effectively with the opposite sex) but if a sufferer is able to form such relationships then I don't believe it should stop them getting married or having kids.

A marriage is a very personal thing between two people. No two people come to a marriage without their own personal issues (whether they be SA or whatever) and no two marriages are the same. Some partners will be able to deal with their husband/wife suffering from SA, while others won't. It depends entirely on the two individuals involved.

As far as having kids is concerned, I don't believe that having SA in any way prevents someone from being a good parent.

 

[Feathers]

Hey Basil, how old are you? Just curious? Have you been at college or such?

so be it the options.. but how much wide is the chances?

There can be a lot of chances even for people with sa, some people with sa may have a harder deciphering them or may not 'see it'.. or may have higher criteria than other people, for self and others..

With SA it is actually getting chances is the first option that you lose (you cannot get sufficiently and/or efficiently socialized in clubs or whatsoever for example), right?

again, have you been to college or such? You'd be surprised...
Also, some people have very varying degrees of sa.. I was okay partying or such, worried at first, but with good friends or friendly acquaintances/classmates/neighbours it was quite fun!!
You may surprise yourself too!! Or meet people in other ways (clubs of interest, volunteering etc. Many people meet through work or mutual friends, or these days internet etc. I was told by sociable people actually that meeting people to date while clubbing/partying is actually one of the worst ways, cause it's such an artificial environment and some people may be 'the clubbing type' and more into alcohol and partying than into a serious relationship anyway!!)

Not always so wise but the other way around is quiet inappropriate. I personally believe it makes the worst couple to join (especially) SA man with a normal woman. Besides, the nature of SA makes things very hard if not both of the couple was SA, as meeting each other social needs (at the least) would be impossible. Very difficult equation.

It really depends on the other person, how understanding they are.. Also, a person with SA, HSP, or other problems, can be selfish and arrogant too, so it depends on personality and common interests and life goals etc.

This not either easy to meet, because people don't know that much (they don't really know anything at all) about SA or any other mental difficulties. Finding a supportive woman (or man) is the missing part. As a matter of fact my parents do not know even that there is something out there called SA, and I never told them I had depression. Not sure if they can even understand what depression does really mean.

Parents can be one of the most 'difficult' people to deal with. Practically everyone else has been nicer to me than my parents (Though I love and respect them dearly, but they are very different from me and just don't understand me or my goals/wishes or how I feel and what I want many times..)

So don't think other people will be like your parents.. Maybe sometimes, if there are some 'patterns' you need to work through, most of my roommates, classmates, friends, dates, complete strangers etc were way nicer in general though
It's still good to let people earn your trust and respect gradually

Still your words carry a lot of encouraging push, thanks Feathers.

You're welcome, happy to help Go Basil!!
(Cheering for ya!! And everyone else!!)

 

[Feathers]

Children are more of a problem. Avoidance seems to be strongly influenced by similarly inclined parents and I'm not sure to what extent I could avoid passing it on, whether it is fair to take that risk, or whether I would be a suitably engaging parent at all.

Mickery, yeah, I can relate to that, a lot. People have told me sometimes that I was 'great with kids' but it's easier with other people's kids cause you can give'em to their parents then!! I just don't know if I have the sustained level of energy for something like that..
It also depends how you raise your kids yup, and if there are any interfering factors like relatives with other opinion on upbringing kids and how to live your life etc.

BlueDays, I agree it's good to be careful and REALLY get to know the person WELL first!! And yourself, what you want in life & in relationship, how you want to be treated etc, don't just settle for 'anything'!!

So many things happen if people rush into it too quickly and neglect 'warning signs' or such!!

It's not your partner's job to be your therapist, so it's good to work on your sa, depression, or any other things and have a grip on them first, yup...
Many people with sa can do amazing things if they put their minds to it and put some effort into overcoming fears & living a better life etc!!

 

[lurknomore]

I think SA can make you end up in situations that someone without SA would never allow themselves to end up in.::

I agree. I actually think that my avoidance caused me to get married. I was very young (19) and inexperienced, and I realized later that I wasn't even attracted to the guy (much less in love)- I just convinced myself that I was because I didn't know what it was supposed to feel like, and I think subconsciously I used marriage as a way to hide and not worry about the whole social/dating scene.

The ceremony itself wasn't too bad, it was a small group of mostly family members, and I think even being the bride, it helped that there were other people standing up there with me (the man I was marrying, my sister as a maid of honor, and his brother as the best man).

We're divorced now, but we did have 2 kids, and I think that in some ways it is daunting, as they are actually kind of outgoing and like to say hello to everyone they know that we happen to see at the store, bank, etc. But in others, it is kind of nice to have "back up" as someone else put it- I don't have friends to go places with, and I would feel weird going to restaurants and things like that by myself, but going with the kids makes it seem less awkward.

 

[GloomySunday]

I've been married, now divorced.

I had suffered from severe depression and anxiety in the years prior to meeting the girl, but I did feel 'transformed' by the relationship. It changed me.

The wedding day was small, but I actually enjoyed it. It felt right.

We connected through shared interests, but also because we both had issues. Unfortunately, whilst I thrived, she spiralled and I had to be the strong one in the relationship and I ended up taking care of her. In a sense, this was good because I could no longer think of my own problems. I believed that if I was strong for her, she would get through it. My understanding of depression allowed me to empathise and to be constructive but, ultimately, it ended badly.

Despite this, I think two people with a history of depression and anxiety getting together can still be a good thing. You need to understand your partner's feelings. It can work if both of you ultimately want to get better with the aim of leading something of a 'normal' life. You can support and help each other to achieve that.

Like in life, it's just a question of getting the balance right and that little thing called luck. Sometimes two people click and it works. I would suggest living together first, though. To see how things go. A divorce is an incredibly traumatic process for anyone to have to go through.

Don't give up hope.

 

[nightcrawler]

maybe, i dated a guy who wanted a really big wedding, and thought i would never marry him b/c of it..
and i was CRAZY about him

So what happened then? Did you marry him and if yes did you have a big wedding?

 

[coyote]

twice married, twice divorced, father of twins

 

[Felgen]

93% of all marriages involving a person with Asperger's syndrome ends with a divorce. I'm not going to take that risk unless I've been together with the girl for at least five years.