does anyone have a borderline parent?

[Lorraine Manca]

i was looking at this book, "surviving a borderline parent" by Kimberlee roth and freda b. friedman. its bizarre to read something that describes what i went through as a kid so well. i cant believe it. im sorry this is so long.

there's a list of "symptoms" i guess, of being the kid of a borderline like being treated like a "little adult" and not like a child

and one reads "the person needs me so much, I'm being taken over; it's like we're one." my mother was beyond needy. If she was sad, it was because of me. and she hated me for it and i was a disgusting person. If she was happy, it was because of me. and she loved me for it and then i was a gift from god. then she'd lose her housekeys and i'd be trash again. she cant just be her own person.

another thing is you dont remember stuff the same as your parent, which would happen all the time. and then she'd call me crazy for it. self fulfilling prophecy!

maybe she's not got it. maybe shes just plain nuts, but it sounds an awful lot like she does

at any rate here's how i think it relates to social phobia:

part of social phobia is the fear that there's attention placed on you. and we all know its irrational, the feeling that everyones lookin at us, or that the person's judging you harshly when they're really just late to pick up their kid or something.
well if you grow up with a person like this who doesnt know where they end and other people begin, those typically irrational thoughts are true! everything they go through (in their little head) is because of you. and you know its not, but you hear it over and over growing up.

so i just wanted to ask, did anyone grow up with a borderline parent? what was it like?
and i dont mean to offend anybody. i'm sure folks who have the borderline disorder and get the right treatment for it are great people. and really its such a broad category anyway.

 

[Jake123]

My mother has munchausen by proxy syndrome.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

I'm sure part of my problems are inherited, but another big part was consequence of being raised in this environment. Fortunately, despite my issues, i learned not to listen to them or repeat what they do. In resume, my childhood was hell and my family and school f***ed me up mentally.

the manipulative part of people is the worst, i think. "if you love me, then you'll do it" fun stuff!

but not repeating what they do, thats my goal in life. even if you have the characteristics of the disorder, I think if you're really aware of the way you act and the things you say, you can fight that. i know alot of the time my emotions are too intense to be appropriate so i dont bother people with it and just wait for it to go away. its like you have to remember what goes on in your head should just stay there.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

My mother has munchausen by proxy syndrome.

i've only heard of that syndrome once before. what illnesses have you been accused of then?

 

[Hellhound]

My mother has munchausen by proxy syndrome.

Ugh.. that must have been a pain to you, I'm sorry to hear x.x I hope she's not bothering you or anyone else now a days...

 

[lunarla]

I'm not sure about borderline, but I definitely have been forced to take the role of more of an adult growing up. My mother actually literally acts like a bit of a child sometimes and it gets on my nerves. I'm sure that she has depression and some OCD, plus who knows what. I understand it to an extent because she's went through a lot in her life. But still, it's not really fair to any child to have to assume that kind of position. My mother never really admits to any of her problems either, she just thinks all of that is ridiculous. Manic Depression, and suicide have run in my family on both sides, and probably other things that weren't diagnosed, so I'm a product of that. When I think of it that way, I really could be a lot worse though. But yeah, definitely hard to deal with.

When I talked to a counselor a couple summers ago I talked to her about my mother and she just basically told me that I wouldn't be able to count on my mother or expect too much of her at all. Which was harsh, but ultimately good advice.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

I described my mother's behavior to my therapist and a few other people and they tell me that she sounds like she is bi-polar. It was incredibly difficult growing up with my mother and I believe that the way she treated me is a reason why I am uncomfortable being at the center of attention. I learned at a young age that being the center of attention was not a good thing. It would just lead to me getting ***** with. So I don't think she was borderline but there is certainly something still wrong with her.

Interesting post BTW.

yeah, thats the heart of it really, it makes you afraid of being the center of attention. like target practice! you dont want to be the center of attention when its time for target practice.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

forget the long post i wrote, the title of this one book out there says it all.

"I hate you, dont leave me"

who doesnt want to stick around for that?

 

[TheWall]

My mom has been diagnosed as bipolar, but I think she is really just a sociopath. It was ****ing hell dealing with her before she started taking seroquel.

 

[UnregisteredBPDer]

I'm not openly diagnosed BPD but fit the criteria and was treated for it. ironic i know.

anyway, my father also displays classic symptoms. I'm a lot like him too so it is VERY ironic I saw this.

Regarding the social phobia etc. and others who are thinking this environment played a role - well it often does. I read once that living with a BPDer can feel like you have it after a while.

The manipulation by the way I also read about, its not manipulation in the common layman's sense of it. Its actually not intentional at all or consciously aware. Its a need response. Often they say the BPDer will change their approach should they not receive the response they wanted from their first attempts etc. I can tell you this is true. However, what I read was that this stems from a NEED to be heard accepted or understood. Mind you its not an excuse but really so you know its not a conscious manipulation where someone is intentionally using you at your own demise if it is etc. For example when I had outbursts it was cause I truly felt that horrible, usually my outbursts were a contorted attempt at controlling my emotion, but its like a broken dam at those moments, good luck holding it back and often my feelings go beyond an outburst to outright seeing red and pulsing physical constraints and even violence, at anything not the person, but myself or whatever i get my hands on, but yelling and the actual outburst is still not a release enough.

On the other hand, if a person respond with the same extreme lashing out, it shocks me and I get scared immediately. I get desperate and it completely switches to a submissive abused like state.

There is no way for me to control these things before I was fully aware of it and came up with my own CBT of sorts over many years.

I've also hated my father for his bullshit, but when you end up suffering the samething and seeing how hard it is to NOT make those mistakes its hard to hate someone else for it.

Trust me your parents probably feel like pieces of shit when you're not around. But the minute something triggers an emotion, its impossible to cap the dam so to even begin an apology is impossible, I've tried ti and often people will jump in and attack thinking they are given an opportunity to speak or something and I can't take it...I do of course...but the feeling it incites, even now when i am aware, is the same. All I do is muffle it and usually chain smoke, etc. to calm down...

Anyway, its no excuse, but maybe you can get help knowing your parents were not manipulating you out of malice, but a lack of awareness and neediness right...and even to try telling them, i've thought about it with my father, is impossible. Firstly, he's convinced he knows everything about himself after all these years. Secondly, the way I feel about my mistakes with others in my past, I can't imagine how he'd feel about hurting his kids and wife so much for so long should he ever realize it - he would not recover.

So in the end, I figure he can enjoy his old age, I'll just use his lessons he never learned to improve my own life and inadvertently fulfill his parental duties wherever they were lacking. In my case it worked in my favor, his insanities are my cure.

 

[LadyWench]

Yes. Mother has borderline personality disorder. I have so much to say on this, but it will end up just being long and boring. I'll rant and rant and no one will read it. So, I'll leave it at this.

 

[Lorraine Manca]

Yes. Mother has borderline personality disorder. I have so much to say on this, but it will end up just being long and boring. I'll rant and rant and no one will read it. So, I'll leave it at this.

id read it. i know though, sometimes it just makes you feel worse cause you cant change it

 

[kittypants]

im so glad for this site! i have always thought that my mother had borderline personality disorder. i think some of whats happened to me has to do with what was wrong with her. she was an alcoholic also, and an agoraphobic, later in life. i remember my mother telling me not to trust people and not to talk to people when i was really young. and trying to adapt to all of her craziness was just....crazy! she did put me in the role of taking care of her. it was clear that i wasn't wanted unless i met her needs. and still, with most people i end up feeling this way again. nice to know there are others....

 

[Lorraine Manca]

im so glad for this site! i have always thought that my mother had borderline personality disorder. i think some of whats happened to me has to do with what was wrong with her. she was an alcoholic also, and an agoraphobic, later in life. i remember my mother telling me not to trust people and not to talk to people when i was really young. and trying to adapt to all of her craziness was just....crazy! she did put me in the role of taking care of her. it was clear that i wasn't wanted unless i met her needs. and still, with most people i end up feeling this way again. nice to know there are others....

i was told not to trust people too, and was intentionally taught alot of crazy stuff. its a miracle i ended up with any grasp on reality whatsoever. i can definately relate to the stuff you say.

 

[iamthenra]

Not sure if this applies or not... But my mother's whole life revolves around my sister and myself. In other words, my mother has no other interests in any thing else. When my sister snubs my mother, then my mother gets so hurt and depressed and doesn't know how to tell anyone off, especially my sister. When my sister got into trouble with the law, my mom thought her whole world was crashing down on her... My problems or my sisters problems became my mothers problems, even in adult life... It's weird??? My dad was the same way... My mom won't do anything on her own, she has to ride on my shirt tails if I am doing something she wants to come with... I tell her to get a hobby, because her hobby is my life and my sisters life... It frustrates me to no end, because she is so dependent on me for everything... Her groceries, her medications, her fun and entertainment, her handyman, her tax adviser etc... It really gets old fast. Then she wonders why I lock my room and sit in front of this computer all day... Uhg...::

 

[hoddesdon]

My mother has munchausen by proxy syndrome.

And were you the one she was munchausening on?

 

[DarkSeeker]

I'm not sure but I think my mother is borderline. She can go from me being the best thing in the world to me being a worthless piece of **** because I told her to quit asking me stupid questions when she asked me something like whether I would like my toothbrush in the left or right drawer. She angrily took all my stuff and moved it to the other bathroom and didn't speak to me for days.

She's crazy and her good moods aren't too good either, her affection tended more to bend on psychological and sometimes physical molestation. she's ugly as hell and I hate her with all my heart, but I also understand that what made her what she is was her mentally challenged mother raised by religious and incestuous lunatics. That stuff just spreads through generations like poison.

My father isn't too good either, is sort of a mix between a schizoid and a narcissist. He was raised by hillbillies who barely knew about the existence of electricity. He tries too appear big, tough and impressive all the time, but deep down he's just a little country boy lost in a big city.