coyote
Well-known member
even if it was her honest opinion, she didn't need to express it
choosing to express it was an act of rudeness
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Do you think its possible to be honest and 'nice' at the same time
- Thread starter KiaKaha
- Start date
even if it was her honest opinion, she didn't need to express it
choosing to express it was an act of rudeness
KiaKaha
Banned
Well a white lie is a lie you tell with good intentions - it is a way to protect someones feelings. Like with Srijita and her friend with the present. She could have just said "thank you" even though she didnt really like it - it was the thought that counted. It would have been the nice thing to do.
In Leas example though the context is a lot more serious. People who beat other people shouldnt be "protected" through lies - that serves no purpose other than enabling them to carry on with that kind of behaviour - some up front honesty is needed there.
With my example (which I explained rather poorly) is when you dont know what is going on with someone. They wont be honest with you - so you are kind of guessing where you stand with them. They wont be honest with you under the pretense of protecting your feelings, but in fact they are merely protecting their own because if they WERE honest - it would make them feel bad about themselves - which is just another way of saying that they are afraid.
If that makes sense - I am a bit tired.
In Leas example though the context is a lot more serious. People who beat other people shouldnt be "protected" through lies - that serves no purpose other than enabling them to carry on with that kind of behaviour - some up front honesty is needed there.
With my example (which I explained rather poorly) is when you dont know what is going on with someone. They wont be honest with you - so you are kind of guessing where you stand with them. They wont be honest with you under the pretense of protecting your feelings, but in fact they are merely protecting their own because if they WERE honest - it would make them feel bad about themselves - which is just another way of saying that they are afraid.
If that makes sense - I am a bit tired.
Lea
Banned
Oh yes now I understand better, thanks for explanation. Sounds like some kind of emotional manipulation, it is not my cup of tea either. I like people being upfront with me.
That's just being a selfish witch. I see it as if someone is not being honest to help someone, they need to keep their traps shut.
Rembrandt Broam
Well-known member
"They're OK, but I really prefer those other ones. Yeah, those. I think you look fantastic in those."
WeirdyMcGee
Well-known member
yes.
I've known people like this-- am related to some people like this.
I'd say; 'you have some maturing to do if you think that's 'being honest' but... most of them are already grown up, unfortunately.
There is almost always a way to express your opinion tactfully.
Or-- if your opinion is not being asked; you CAN choose to keep your mouth closed. That is also an option.
Honesty does hurt alot of the time but it doesn't have to make you cry; it should make you reflect on your decisions and either reinforce what you think or give you another point of view to consider.
An honest 'opinion' shouldn't make you hate the person who is expressing it to you.
coyote
Well-known member
ahh yes, the old, "why not try on a few pairs while i watch," gambit
Rembrandt Broam
Well-known member
MsBuzzkillington
Well-known member
I think the way she said it was rude. But this example is an example of why I absolutely hate getting gifts. We are expected to put on a smile and pretend we like everything we get. We put on a smile and say thank you and be polite. We have to or we are considered rude. "It is the thought that counts!" Well, people are getting me a gift because 1. They think I will like it (the nice part) and 2. Because they are getting some kind of satisfaction out of "making me happy" but in a way they are doing it in a way that makes them happy too.
That sounds kind of weird, like everyone should be happy. But it is hard to explain. I guess kind of like my mom is a hoarder and shops ALL THE TIME. She will buy super cute things that she likes that she think will make my day but she knows I hate little stupid useless crap... anything that isn't practical (like dish soap, laundry soap, toilet paper) I honestly don't want as a gift. But she still gets me "cute" things that make her happy to buy and her happy to send them to me. And yet I am supposed to protect her feelings and say I like it because "it is the thought that counts"? In a way she is satisfying something for herself more than she is for me.
With birthday's it is expected for you to get a gift. However me not getting any gifts from anyone would be just fine and a lot of people feel the same way. But why is it rude and selfish and bratty if someone gets me something and I don't like it and I tell them I don't like it? The way I see it, is it gives them the opportunity to take it back and get their money back. I would actually not ever tell someone that I didn't like it, because I would feel bad... but in a way I really shouldn't feel bad. There's no reason to pretend I like someone to protect their feelings, at all.
Okay, that was a long rant... oops. I'll stop there.
I think it is possible to be honest and nice... honesty isn't always nice though and just because your honesty hurts someone's feelings doesn't mean you are being rude. The way you say something can definitely make a difference... like "your gift sucks, I hate it" vs "I like the thought, I appreciate you going through the trouble of getting me a gift, but I don't think it's something that I would get any use out of."
Sometimes honesty has to be rude and to the point. Sometimes it just comes out that way.
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KiaKaha
Banned
Not if you are smart, sensitive and articulate enough. I think some people just cant be bothered making the effort to be more tactful with their honesty. It's easier to just say whatever comes to mind - even if does make the other person feel bad... I mean hey, it's THEIR problem if they feel bad - no one is responsible for how another person feels....right? Why SHOULD we care... as long as we get our way.
I think honesty only needs to be rude and insensitive if there is no other way of conveying your message or that the message is not being responded to properly - I myself have been pushed to the limit where I have had to be very very harsh - just so they will leave me alone - like that chick that was on here stalking me. Nobody has to make another person feel bad in most situations though - that is if they care enough about protecting the way that they feel about themselves... but most of the time...why would we. It's not our problem.
razzle dazzle rose
Well-known member
I choose to keep my mouth shut most of the time
It is just easier that way (and that is THE problem).
razzle dazzle rose
Well-known member
We were watching a movie, and one of the actresses has this really nice body and I say "ah, if only I could have a body like that." And my boyfriend responds with "you could. You just need to work out." BAH! No, that was not the right answer, haha.
1BlackSheep
Well-known member
Ouch! Total bad answer! Hope you smacked him over the head for that one!
this_portrait
Well-known member
Honest and nice at the same time? Sounds kinda like the "constructive criticism" I had to put up with during art critiques. I wonder what nasty thoughts were REALLY behind all those constructive ones.
I suppose it's possible, though I do tend to question just how "honest" people are being. After all, most people don't want to be perceived as major a**hats.
I suppose it's possible, though I do tend to question just how "honest" people are being. After all, most people don't want to be perceived as major a**hats.
Kat
Well-known member
Some people you have to walk on eggshells. I’m good with the spoken word because it is rare for people to be offended by what I have said, but I am not so sure about the written one.
I’m pretty upfront with how I feel and I usually see things from a logical perspective. I can often see things that others don’t and sometimes I think it’s best for me to keep my mouth shut and they can figure it out for themselves because they may think I’m being rude and I’m not egocentric to think that all my opinions are correct. I’m upfront with people I’m close to and I try to be honest with how I feel about the situation in hopes they won’t get burned by the same thing.
Everyone is different some people appreciate you being straight forward with them at least that way you know where you stand but others like to manipulate and twist things and they will take any kind gesture as a negative. It’s best to stay away from those types because there’s no way you will ever see eye to eye what seems nice to you clearly isn’t to them and that happens sometimes.
I’m pretty upfront with how I feel and I usually see things from a logical perspective. I can often see things that others don’t and sometimes I think it’s best for me to keep my mouth shut and they can figure it out for themselves because they may think I’m being rude and I’m not egocentric to think that all my opinions are correct. I’m upfront with people I’m close to and I try to be honest with how I feel about the situation in hopes they won’t get burned by the same thing.
Everyone is different some people appreciate you being straight forward with them at least that way you know where you stand but others like to manipulate and twist things and they will take any kind gesture as a negative. It’s best to stay away from those types because there’s no way you will ever see eye to eye what seems nice to you clearly isn’t to them and that happens sometimes.
Lea
Banned
I think we should say what we think is right, but not in a rude way - so that the people know that we don´t do it with bad intent. Although even like that they can get offended. But if they do, it´s not our fault anymore. Because - what did we do wrong, what´s wrong with saying our opinion or express what we think is right? If I personaly express my opinion, I expect the same back - a healthy conversation, even if it´s a bit controversial. I like when people can take some amount of controversy without being easily offended. Because I usually don´t say things in order to offend people, I couldn´t care less about offending someone. I just like to conversate with them on that subject, but if they do get offended, they spoil the whole game for nothing. People who take everything personaly are no fun .
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