Do you find "deliberate socialising" insincere and contrived?

[tooshytosay]

To me this is what prevents me from trying to acquire a "social life" as such - I just find that act of trying to deliberately socialize with people too insincere, contrived and artificial.

I find that I can connect with people better when say, we are working hard together on something (i.e. actually trying to achieve a common goal together), doing some sort of activity together (where the focus is not on 'socialising' but rather on the activity itself) or if we are discussing "substantial" topics together. It is in these moments that I really appreciate / get a kick out of being with other people - NOT when I am trying so hard to be "social" per se.

It's just that, ugh, I find people overrate this so-called thing called having a "social life" (which for the purposes here I'll define as socialising for socialising's sake). They think that the only way you can make friends / have fun is through this thing called a "social life". Society tries to make you out as a no-life loser if you don't have this thing called a "social life" and are actively "social" in your everyday life.

In fact, I think one of the reasons I even have "SA" in the first place is simply due to the fact that society has narrowed down what it means to be "social" so much. These days, anything short of freely chattering away seems to mean you're "not social". They set out this expectation called "having a social life" and if you don't meet that criteria they're like "oh, he must not like being with people".

And I'm like, excuse me? I like being with people - I just really don't like deliberately socialising.

 

[recluse]

I know what you mean, put me in a deliberate social scenario like a wedding party o'r something and i feel so much under pressure to talk and have fun i am too anxious to enjoy it.

 

[Danedo]

People socialize because it makes them feel good, not because it is a chore of dreary task.
And not all people feel like doing it all the time. Just the way it is.

Now I personally often feel pressure to have a social life, just to have a social life; we probably all do, but I believe that in the end it just feels good

There isn't really another activity I can think of where two people can essentially pleasure each other, relieve stress, and share joy with just words It is a beautiful thing, just a shame at this point I don't have more of it.

But while some 'exercises' can seem contrived, a lot of socializing has to do with empathy.

You talk to feel good, but to also make the other person feel good; silence can be misinterpreted as boredom, etc.
Don't let that freak you out; it is just natural, and making someone uncomfortable due to SA is usually all in your head.

 

[Kinetik]

Forced social scenarios are inherently insincere, and people themselves are so disingenous that I feel they're not worth it to begin with. People talk about others constantly; the minute someone walks out the door they're bound to get smack-talked, and it can be fun to join in for a while until you realize that they'll do it to you as well the moment your back's turned. I get no satisfaction from that petty little merry-go-round of bs. That's why if I have to deal with people, I'd rather it be close family members, where the love is more or less unconditional.

 

[TimArends]

I feel kind of the same way. I always felt like I was being "phony" or not being "the real me" if I tried to be more outgoing. Everything I did or said felt phony.

But then I read the brilliant point that ones personality is merely the sum total of the way you act. It is the things you say or do as well as the things you feel. Therefore, you are not being phony if you simply try to be more outgoing.

Your situation is a little different because you do not feel shy or contrived when you are purposefully working on a project with someone.

Have you tried joining volunteer groups? With such a group, you are working together towards a common goal. Perhaps this would be a good way to meet people.

However, there are always times, of course, when you're not actively working, where you will need to socialize. A lot of jobs, even volunteer jobs, entail a lot of waiting around, for example, for customers or patrons or needy people to come in. So almost everything you do will involve some socializing.

 

[kihira]

The world is run by extroverts.

This explains a lot...

 

[Untamed88]

It annoys me that on Facebook I have only family and close friends from school days. Some people have thousands of 'friends' and you get the impression they barely know any of them.

 

[Horatio]

I get no satisfaction from that petty little merry-go-round of bs.

Very well put.

It is like there is some stupid game that has taken the place of honest interaction. Some people excel at that game and others don't.

 

[fitftw]

I was outside Target the other day smoking a cigarette before dealing with the eyes of people looking at me while I did my shopping...

this old short guy comes up to me and asks me for a 'jumpstart' for his cigarette. I said sure. Then he puts his arm on my shoulder and has this really happy look on his face and he just seemed high on life and that bothered me to a great degree. I forgot what he talked about to me, but I just didn't like him because he seemed so happy about life. Is that a problem with me? I don't really feel comfortable around really happy people. It freaks me out. Like, how could someone be that happy? I get moments in my head where everything is beautiful and such, but never for more than a few seconds before I'm brought back to reality where life pretty much sucks.