Disliked for being shy?

[Etbow23]

Hey,
So most people at my job I'm pretty cool with, no hard feelings. Some people seem to like me or we talk here and there. However I've gotten the feeling this one girl who works in a different section doesn't like me for no apparent reason, but I didn't really care and besides, she doesn't even work with me so I have had no reason to talk to her.

I was having a pretty good day, worked over 8 hours and was in a good mood, just tired, but everything was kind of spoiled when I was leaving, because I went into the breakroom to get my stuff from the fridge, and I see that girl ^^ sitting talking to a person I'm friends with (me and him talk during breaks and when we work together), and when I'm by the fridge, she's like to him, "She's so quiet, she don't talk to nobody". I was turning around at that point and saw my friend looking at me, and I was like, "I talk to some people" (I know that sounds snobby, I didn't mean it that way, I was trying to be friendly). And he was like, "She talks to me" and then he asked if I was leaving and I said yeah and he said goodbye, all while this girl didn't look or say anything to me at all.

I don't understand what I did. We don't work in the same department, so I don't see why I would go out of my way talk to her. I mostly just talk to other cashiers because that's where I work. I've tried to smile or say hi before while passing by and she didn't really respond, so I just basically quit trying.

I don't know whether she was being hostile or not by saying that, but I have the feeling she said it and didn't mean for me to hear, so she was being hostile, although I was standing five feet away, so I can't be sure. I literally have never been rude to her and don't understand why she would dislike me simply for being a quiet person. I don't even know why she notices me.

Another person today commented that I was quiet on the registers but she didn't say it in a mean way or anything, was just saying. I don't understand why people always notice that we're shy. Why does anyone care? Do I have to yell constantly and be loud and obnoxious to fit in?

I found this really hurtful, and I hope she didn't think I was being snobby by saying "I talk to some people". There are other quiet people where I work, I don't see her picking on them. Help, I know probably other people have experienced something like this??

 

[MikeyC]

Next time you see her, maybe you could explain to her you're quiet and you don't dislike her. I think that's all you'll need to do to smooth anything out.

If you don't see her often, there's no need for anything more than a casual greeting if you happen to walk by each other. However, don't stop being friendly or courteous because that will invite unnecessary hostility, which would make it even harder to tolerate work.

 

[YellowBird]

it didn't seem to me that she dislikes you,quiet opposite actually,i think that people don't like me or talk bad about me and i'm afraid they just hate my face or think i'm dangerous or something,the fact that eventhough you don't know each other and she noticed you,looks very positive,because we don't talk a lot or are not bubbly and loud,we look more mysterious and people want to get to know us.Maybe she thinks that there is something wrong with her and that's why you don't talk to her.

 

[LifeInternal88]

Hey

A friend I did undergrad with was telling me about a girl in her post-grad class who always kept to herself, and was basically really rude. It was a small class of about 10, so most of them studied together after class. She says that the girl always went home immediately after class, and never wanted to associate herself with the others. She never shared her answers with the rest of the group (she was apparently very smart), and was arrogant. So after listening to all this, I said to my friend: 'Maybe this girl is just shy.' And my friend responded: 'hey, I never thought of that.'

So yea, some people just misinterpret quietness.

I told her about my experience with people thinking I was rude, when actually the real reason for not hanging out after class was cos I felt I didn't fit in with the group. It totally changed her perception of that classmate of hers. She honestly never thought the reason could be shyness! Its so odd tho. Here you are feeling a little inferior so you avoid people, and they see pride. Total opposite; if only they knew the truth.

I don't know. Just continue to be friendly to the person. Don't try too hard, just do what you can. Maybe if you get an opportunity to talk, she'll realize you're a nice person.

 

[Kiwong]

I wouldn't worry about her. Spend more of your time concentrating on the words of those that like you and talk to you even though you are shy.

A therapist explained to me that there are people inside the hand, the people you trust, and those outside the hand, the ones that don't really matter.

With anxiety I think we tend to give too much power to people outside the hand.

 

[Pacific_Loner]

Next time you see her, maybe you could explain to her you're quiet and you don't dislike her. I think that's all you'll need to do to smooth anything out.

If you do that I think you can considere that you've done what was in your power to make things right. If it's not enough for her, just don't worry about her and concentrate on those who seems to like you. It's not always your fault if things goes wrong with others, even though we tend to think so...

 

[LifeInternal88]

It's not always your fault if things goes wrong with others, even though we tend to think so...

True. Very True.

 

[Etbow23]

Next time you see her, maybe you could explain to her you're quiet and you don't dislike her. I think that's all you'll need to do to smooth anything out.

If you don't see her often, there's no need for anything more than a casual greeting if you happen to walk by each other. However, don't stop being friendly or courteous because that will invite unnecessary hostility, which would make it even harder to tolerate work.

I don't think I would want to approach her simply because she seriously seems to not like me when I've tried to be friendly with her. I'm going to be nice if I pass her but I don't have the courage to say anything else to her. I am always going to be courteous--that's good advice; you can't change how someone else acts but you can always control how you act. I wish I had the courage to approach her and I wish she was friendly enough to reciprocate but I have a strong feeling that it won't happen if I do try and be nice.

it didn't seem to me that she dislikes you,quiet opposite actually,i think that people don't like me or talk bad about me and i'm afraid they just hate my face or think i'm dangerous or something,the fact that eventhough you don't know each other and she noticed you,looks very positive,because we don't talk a lot or are not bubbly and loud,we look more mysterious and people want to get to know us.Maybe she thinks that there is something wrong with her and that's why you don't talk to her.

I would agree she probably feels that I dislike her or something, but is directing it back in this unfriendly way.

So yea, some people just misinterpret quietness.

Yes, this is very true. I myself have done this with unfriendly shy people, because I thought they don't like me, but I consider myself a friendly shy person--I smile at people and if they say something I always respond. Sometimes perhaps I may seem distant, I can't really say.

If it's not enough for her, just don't worry about her and concentrate on those who seems to like you.

True- kind of like what Mikey C was saying, I can only be nice and if she can't accept that, whatever.

I wouldn't worry about her. Spend more of your time concentrating on the words of those that like you and talk to you even though you are shy.

A therapist explained to me that there are people inside the hand, the people you trust, and those outside the hand, the ones that don't really matter.

With anxiety I think we tend to give too much power to people outside the hand.

I very much agree with your answer--I really don't think I should pay attention to her. I have a feeling if I try to reach out to her, she will be unfriendly and I will be hurt again. It just shows that she's ignorant though, hating someone because they are reserved. And like you said, with anxiety we obsess over these types of people.

In all, I think some people don't realize what shy people with anxiety go through on a daily basis. Any word that has a hint of unfriendliness could be devastating to us. Often we want to say so much, but we can't. Or if we do, we are embarrassed. It's hard because we want to go sit with a group, but we can't.

And a lot of people don't understand what we may have gone through in our lives that made us so shy. It's often partly genetic, but I find that shy people usually have had some trauma or sadness in their lives that has made them more so. If I could take back everything that's happened to me, I would. But I'm stuck in my skin. I will say though, I believe I do have a lot of very positive characteristics.

Many shy people do; the problem is that many of us never get to show it to other people. Occasionally a person will come along that does see those things in us and that's always very touching.

 

[Etbow23]

now that it's been a few hours and the issue has sunk in more, this girl really has made me feel low today. maybe I'm just exhausted after a long day and should go to bed. But her comment now makes me feel so low, how she would say that right in front of me like i'm low as dirt. and the fact is, i don't talk to every person, but i do talk to people. I don't see why she cares so much anyways. I'm feeling really awful right now.

 

[Silatuyok]

I think you did a really awesome job of confronting the situation. You didn't just slink away like you were a piece of nothing who is ashamed of herself. No, you turned around and told her exactly what was what. You should feel really good about that!

 

[MikeyC]

I don't think I would want to approach her simply because she seriously seems to not like me when I've tried to be friendly with her. I'm going to be nice if I pass her but I don't have the courage to say anything else to her. I am always going to be courteous--that's good advice; you can't change how someone else acts but you can always control how you act. I wish I had the courage to approach her and I wish she was friendly enough to reciprocate but I have a strong feeling that it won't happen if I do try and be nice.

Fair enough. If it's too much to simply approach her, it's best not to do so. There are some people out there who are just naturally unfriendly, unfortunately.

Yes, this is very true. I myself have done this with unfriendly shy people, because I thought they don't like me, but I consider myself a friendly shy person--I smile at people and if they say something I always respond. Sometimes perhaps I may seem distant, I can't really say.

This is very interesting. I sometimes think a friend of mine doesn't like me because she hardly says anything when I'm around. I will now put it down to shyness, as she's not really much of a talker. I can get her whole life story out in email, though.

 

[Nathália]

now that it's been a few hours and the issue has sunk in more, this girl really has made me feel low today. maybe I'm just exhausted after a long day and should go to bed. But her comment now makes me feel so low, how she would say that right in front of me like i'm low as dirt. and the fact is, i don't talk to every person, but i do talk to people. I don't see why she cares so much anyways. I'm feeling really awful right now.

I get that line all of the time from people about how I never talked to anyone. People who I don't even know or never heard of say that.

Many people have never even heard of social anxiety and do not know the story behind why people are so shy like you've said in your previous post.

The philosophy of "if that person does not talk to me or enough people they most be stuck up or think that they are better than me/us" is something I will never understand.

People just want to talk to you and know what you're about.

Not everyone is a social butterfly and I think some just assume it as being anti-social and bitter because you do not pay them attention or give them satisfaction when you're around.

It is not your fault. All kinds people who are not shy get lines like that. You can be the most popular/social person. That's the thing about it. Everyone gets things said about them like " I don't think he/she likes me" " She talks to barely talks to me but talks to everyone else".

It is just part of life and many people period are offended when you do not open up to them because they think you do not like them. "You opened up to Sonya but you just smile at me." Why cant you talk to me like that? There are so many reasons why people are that way.

Honestly. There are people who I am comfortable with and others I am awkward around because I do not click with them relationship wise. Maybe thats why people talk to others similar to them? There are some people who I do not click with, not that anything is wrong with them. I love being around diverse people but there are people who it is hard to talk to because there is nothing at all in common. It is a flaw and one of the many flaws of life. Hold your head up and just do not pay people attention, sometimes.


I know that will not stop things from hurting every time some one says it because you are a human and you have emotions. Then again other people are just trying to get through this life also so we can't always take offense because non of us are perfect.

She assumed you talked to no one for whatever reason and hopefully she recognizes it as a mistake and she probably feels guilty. Who knows? What you said was right because you let her know she was wrong in a nice way.

 

[Nathália]

Another person today commented that I was quiet on the registers but she didn't say it in a mean way or anything, was just saying. I don't understand why people always notice that we're shy. Why does anyone care? Do I have to yell constantly and be loud and obnoxious to fit in?

I found this really hurtful, and I hope she didn't think I was being snobby by saying "I talk to some people". There are other quiet people where I work, I don't see her picking on them. Help, I know probably other people have experienced something like this??

True. I can not figure out what people pick up on either. It is just strange.

I could just be walking through the lunch line in highschool and the lunch lady would just yell and ask me "why are youI so quiet" "she is so quiet" "why are you so shy? in a crowded room just embarrassing me in front of people. I am like lady I am just coming by to pick up my lunch! How do you know me when you only see me picking up my lunch!? There are many quite kids waiting in line and I act just like the rest of them. What's wrong with me? I bring my friends sometime and talk.

IDK? I really don't like to just talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk just to talk apart from Social Anxiety. I don't understand either.

 

[Silatuyok]

True. I can not figure out what people pick up on either. It is just strange.

I could just be walking through the lunch line in highschool and the lunch lady would just yell and ask me "why are youI so quiet" "she is so quiet" "why are you so shy? in a crowded room just embarrassing me in front of people. I am like lady I am just coming by to pick up my lunch! How do you know me when you only see me picking up my lunch!? There are many quite kids waiting in line and I act just like the rest of them. What's wrong with me? I bring my friends sometime and talk.

IDK? I really don't like to just talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk talk just to talk apart from Social Anxiety. I don't understand either.

The question I get most often is, "Are you always so quiet?" And when I say yes, they just say, "oh, okay." And that's the end of that. *shrug*

 

[Etbow23]

I think you did a really awesome job of confronting the situation. You didn't just slink away like you were a piece of nothing who is ashamed of herself. No, you turned around and told her exactly what was what. You should feel really good about that!

Thank you!

Many people have never even heard of social anxiety and do not know the story behind why people are so shy like you've said in your previous post.



She assumed you talked to no one for whatever reason and hopefully she recognizes it as a mistake and she probably feels guilty. Who knows? What you said was right because you let her know she was wrong in a nice way.

I think it's interesting that many people are not understanding of shyness. It's almost like people are bigoted against us.

I honestly doubt she feels guilty; she's not a very sophisticated person and more than once she's looked at me like I'm some kind of alien, though I barely know her. I really don't know what I've done wrong. Some people you can communicate with, and others, like you also said, you just will never *click* with.

 

[ObiWan]

Take a chance and leave your comfort zone and reach out and spark up a conversation with this person. You may just make a new friend. Whats the worse that can happen if your right about this person disliking you? You continued to be disliked by them?

 

[IcedEarth25]

Personally I would just try once to this person and if she dosent think anything of you then i would just walk away, may seem hard at first to do so but in my experience, people who don't bother with you then they are not worth worrying about, your better than them in the end i think.

 

[Sartana]

Shyness can easily be interpreted as arrogance or rudeness unfortunatly. A while back there was this guy who used to tell everyone I hated him, sometimes whilst I would be stood right next to him just because I was quiet. Everyone else gave him lots of attention and I think it annoyed him that I wasn't all that bothered. After a while I didn't even argue against it because the fact that he was using the situation to make me feel awkward makes him kind of a jerk anyway, but I don't doubt that my avoidance and quietness caused the situation in the first place.

 

[KiaKaha]

I think its pretty rude that she said that about you, especially within earshot, I mean just because your quiet doesnt mean its something that needs to gossiped about. So what if you are. I know its hard to do, but I wouldnt waste anymore time thinking about her. Some people are just not going to like you, for no reason at all, blinded by bias and prejudice... people work out in their head what kind of person they think you are without actually putting in an effort to find out for themselves. Try not to let her get to you... you have a friend there who likes you... and you seem like a nice person to me too.

 

[crescent]

Some people do like to gossip about anything and everything, they basically just find anything a bit off and talk about it (especially women). It makes them feel good by picking on someone else. She probably talk bad about other people also.
It's unfortunate that you've got to hear it, but don't let it make you down. It's her problem, not yours.