Dirty looks and rejection

[KiaKaha]

I thought I would ask this because its something that bothers me rather a lot. I tend to get a lot of dirty looks and obvious rejection from the large majority of people. I dont know why this is and it really brings me down...for as long as I can remember this has been happening.

Its very frustrating because I dont DO anything that makes people react this way towards me. Now please be aware that I am not being paranoid or misinterpreting the other peoples behavior. I can read other people body language just as well as anyone else.

Here are some examples.

- Cashiers in shops smiling and chatting to customers and then visibly and very obviously dropping their cheerful disposition when serving me.
- People seeing me and rolling their eyes. ('what a loser') - this happens to me a LOT.
- Saying hello to someone and having them move to the other side of the room
- people avoiding me and obviously rejecting me.
- I have had a lot of people be go out of their way to be VERY RUDE to me for NO REASON

This is really hard to explain... I dont think anyone is going to really understand what I really mean. I know it sounds trivial.... but I honestly feel like there is something wrong with me...particularly the way that I look.... (because what else COULD it be?)

I am frustrated, because I dont know why. People dont warm up to me.... but I am a nice person... I think. Nicer than most probably.

 

[SAM2011]

Hi there. Its amazing how people can sense other peoples behavior. Maybe your just trying too hard? Just because you are "NICE" does not mean people have to like you. There is more to just being nice. Who cares what other people think of you? Maybe people are thinking your a looser because they feel you are trying to be nice and maybe they just don't care? Maybe they can tell by your body language that your just trying too hard to be friendly and nice, you want acceptance. People tend to notice other people when there not really trying. Not everybody will like you, that is life. Don't let it get to you.

 

[KiaKaha]

I think I just need to stop having so much expectation from other people.
I probably shouldnt have used the word 'nice'... I hate that word.

If I didnt try with people, I can nearly gurantee that no one would want anything to do with me. I have to make an effort because people seem to have a natural inclination to not make an effort with people they dont know.

I just dont understand why people seem to treat me like crap for no reason. *I* dont do that because I care about peoples feelings and try to make everyone feel welcome.

This is a stupid self indulgent thread. I have worded it really badly. Just let it die.

 

[SAM2011]

Its not a stupid thread ...Be around people that do like you. Interact with those people that are in your life. I'm not sure why people treat you like crap. Maybe they don't mean too and your taking it the wrong way, I don't know. You haven't worded it the wrong way. Stop bringing yourself down.

 

[EasySkanking]

I thought I would ask this because its something that bothers me rather a lot. I tend to get a lot of dirty looks and obvious rejection from the large majority of people. I dont know why this is and it really brings me down...for as long as I can remember this has been happening.

Its very frustrating because I dont DO anything that makes people react this way towards me. Now please be aware that I am not being paranoid or misinterpreting the other peoples behavior. I can read other people body language just as well as anyone else.

Here are some examples.

- Cashiers in shops smiling and chatting to customers and then visibly and very obviously dropping their cheerful disposition when serving me.
- People seeing me and rolling their eyes. ('what a loser') - this happens to me a LOT.
- Saying hello to someone and having them move to the other side of the room
- people avoiding me and obviously rejecting me.
- I have had a lot of people be go out of their way to be VERY RUDE to me for NO REASON

This is really hard to explain... I don't think anyone is going to really understand what I really mean. I know it sounds trivial.... but I honestly feel like there is something wrong with me...particularly the way that I look.... (because what else COULD it be?)

I am frustrated, because I dont know why. People dont warm up to me.... but I am a nice person... I think. Nicer than most probably.

It's probably a mixture of you being paranoid and how you carry yourself. If you're like me, when my social anxiety was at worse, you don't take care of your appearance very much and look weird and odd (that scares people.)

I suppose you can start with taking care more of your appearance, since it's the easiest. And you'll notice that most people do not judge you. So it really never had anything to do you with you, it had to do with your appearance... even then, when your anxiety kicks in we are automatically paranoid and imagine that everyone is being rude to us (and we feel this is real/true but it really isn't.)

 

[Azael]

It's probably a mixture of you being paranoid and how you carry yourself. If you're like me, when my social anxiety was at worse, you don't take care of your appearance very much and look weird and odd (that scares people.)

I suppose you can start with taking care more of your appearance, since it's the easiest. And you'll notice that most people do not judge you. So it really never had anything to do you with you, it had to do with your appearance... even then, when your anxiety kicks in we are automatically paranoid and imagine that everyone is being rude to us (and we feel this is real/true but it really isn't.)

I agree with this. I can see it in other people sometimes. They don't have to tell me they uncomfortable, they project it in their body language. However, the body language is largely governed by your emotional state, I find it very hard to fake external confidence if I'm not feeling it. I have noticed the stark contrast when approaching someone with a smile though, they tend to become very open very easily.

The bit about appearance I do not agree entirely with. No matter how you look somebody will have a problem with you, and lets be honest, our neck of the woods isn't exactly very interested with anything other than aesthetics. So I personally wouldn't want to encourage the original poster to become fixated with this, as it's a route to nowhere but more anxiety and rejection and finding acceptance in a way that can never really be achieved. Just my thoughts.

 

[EasySkanking]

^Agreed

For me, personally, it has been very difficult to accept myself physically on a deeper level... still working on that. So I went with the easiest approach - changing my aesthetics by working out intensely, wearing more stylish clothes, and having a stylish hairstyle.

Lesson learned, but not in the way that you think - While making aesthetics your number one priority is misguided and leads to nowhere, taking care of myself aesthetically more than I used to when my anxiety was worse, made me realize that maybe I wasn't so ugly and it made me feel more normal and confident. It's like a 2-for-1 deal, you get two lessons for the price of one mistake .

So, I still recommend it, just don't make looks your number one priority - keep it real. It matters, but no that much. People do, for some unknown reason, treat you more fairly when you look good... Hey if it helps you live life easier things, why not do it huh?

But it's better to accept yourself "deeply" first - you'll have more concrete confidence. And you can always look good as well.

 

[KiaKaha]

Its not about looks, I didnt mean for the thread to become fixated on that. I do have theories about the way a person looks can determine how someone can perceive you (and get ideas about the kind of person you are) but I dont want to get into that, its mildly controversial and it seems most people disagree with my opinion on that matter.

Anyway...paranoia.... mmm I dont think so. I know what paranoia is, and I can read people.... entire rooms have fallen silent when I enter them... and I am not even kidding about that.

Its hard to explain. I dont think anyone can really understand it without being in my shoes and experiencing it for themselves... just reading back over the thread it sounds completely ridiculous.

This thread is making me cringe now.

 

[SAM2011]

Well I guess you are wondering what is wrong with you, why people think you are weird?
Why do you think people think you are weird? Is it because you are not comfortable with yourself so you act a bit weird and you don't know what to say to people? Do you think you act weird in front of people and people sense this?

 

[A Many Splendored Thing]

Its not about looks, I didnt mean for the thread to become fixated on that. I do have theories about the way a person looks can determine how someone can perceive you (and get ideas about the kind of person you are) but I dont want to get into that, its mildly controversial and it seems most people disagree with my opinion on that matter.

Anyway...paranoia.... mmm I dont think so. I know what paranoia is, and I can read people.... entire rooms have fallen silent when I enter them... and I am not even kidding about that.

Its hard to explain. I dont think anyone can really understand it without being in my shoes and experiencing it for themselves... just reading back over the thread it sounds completely ridiculous.

This thread is making me cringe now.

Looks do make people treat you differently. Sight is the main sense people use and is how they get their first impression of you.

What places do you feel that people will oust you? Would you be able to ask somebody privately what they feel like when they are around you, or why they stop talking around you?

I have personally felt like this on several occasions. On trips with groups of people, I felt separated most of the time even if I try to interact. I felt like they didn't recognize me as a normal person, and that feeling has caused me to push myself harder than I would've.

This thread is completely viable. Shykiwi, please try to explain why you feel this way, if you don't mind.

 

[SAM2011]

I disagree that people treat you by your looks. If they do than they are shallow? Of course people with looks get more in life but that's just the way it is. I think that if you have people in your life that accept you the way you are than they are the true people that you should accept in your life. I think if people think you are weird its probably because your acting weird. I hope I'm not sounding rude.

 

[A Many Splendored Thing]

I disagree that people treat you by your looks. If they do than they are shallow? Of course people with looks get more in life but that's just the way it is. I think that if you have people in your life that accept you the way you are than they are the true people that you should accept in your life. I think if people think you are weird its probably because your acting weird. I hope I'm not sounding rude.

I don't mean they always treat you by your looks. Their first impression is from your looks. Once they get to know you, they treat you from your actions.

I think people with good looks tend to have better self esteem, which makes them have more confidence and better social ability. This will get them further in life than looks alone. Looks bring so much more with them, especially with all the pressure on women these days.

 

[SAM2011]

I don't mean they always treat you by your looks. Their first impression is from your looks. Once they get to know you, they treat you from your actions.

I think people with good looks tend to have better self esteem, which makes them have more confidence and better social ability. This will get them further in life than looks alone. Looks bring so much more with them, especially with all the pressure on women these days.

I agree with you totally there

 

[THeCARS1979]

I think I just need to stop having so much expectation from other people.
I probably shouldnt have used the word 'nice'... I hate that word.

If I didnt try with people, I can nearly gurantee that no one would want anything to do with me. I have to make an effort because people seem to have a natural inclination to not make an effort with people they dont know.

I just dont understand why people seem to treat me like crap for no reason. *I* dont do that because I care about peoples feelings and try to make everyone feel welcome.

This is a stupid self indulgent thread. I have worded it really badly. Just let it die.

Hey , I ll give you some advice. Dont be a people pleaser. Do not have high expectations of anything or anyone and try to defend your self when you need to. Don't let know one walk all over you. Other things my fall into place here and there. Try to follow these guide lines and things may get better, ok.

 

[KiaKaha]

Ok, let me try and clarify... the only reason I mentioned "looks" is because its a conclusion that I have drawn too based on me trying to understand why I have these kinds of experiences... to me its closely related to prejudice and bias. The reason I think my appearance has something to do with it is because I cant figure out any other alternative reason for it. It simply does not make sense.

The argument I have is not about whether or not attractive people have a better life etc, its about how ones appearance no matter what someone looks like, invokes a judgement of some kind within other people (whether or not its correct). I liken it to casting someone in a film... the person who casts would to some degree pick actors based on their looks because they know that the audience is going to identify the way that they look with an idea of what kind of person they will be. Imagine danny devito playing an action superstar? The point is... no matter what you look like, people are going to get an idea about you based on that.

I mean I posted a thread about two politicians and had all sorts of answers about their character and policies based on zero information other than the way that they looked....and that to me suggests how quickly people will get an idea about what kind of person you are.

And I think that thats whats happeing to me... but... I can also admit that I may be wrong, but I cant think of any other reason for it.

Anyway... I do get paranoid a lot... I guess...but my paranoia stems from my experience. I often think people dont like me all that much, or that anything I say is completely stupid and makes no sense or relevance to the topic at hand.... I am aware that all of that is irrational..

I have had people come up to me and tell me that I am unlikeable. The last job I had no one said a damn thing to me or made me feel welcome at all. I get glares... many people I come across are visibly uncomfortable when they see me... (granted not EVERYONE some people are nice to me too...) and the only reason I have even made a thread about it is because...it makes me feel bad.

I dont know.. maybe Its all in my head... like everyone says.

Sorry to complain, this is kind of embarrassing to talk about actually.

 

[KiaKaha]

I hope I'm not sounding rude.

No you are not. I appreciate everyone responding to me.

 

[SAM2011]

No you are not. I appreciate everyone responding to me.

I don't know you. But if you have struggled with this most of your life than maybe you are weird. I'm a very honest person. Why people are nice just because they have to is something I don't understand. People telling you look good in a picture when really they are just saying that to be nice annoys me. I've notice on the picture thread that certain people who are better looking seem to get all the attention than somebody that isn't. People do judge you on your appearance at first. The thing you have to do is not to let it get to you. Forget about the people that turn away on you. Its their problem.

 

[KiaKaha]

Time to die thread.

Just die.

If a mod can be bothered can you please remove this peace of trash off the internet.

 

[A Many Splendored Thing]

Time to die thread.

Just die.

If a mod can be bothered can you please remove this peace of trash off the internet.

Piece of trash? I think this is a great thread.

You feel the exact way I feel most of the time. The problem I have is that I tend to read people wrong. I hardly base my impressions off of looks, but I do have to sometimes.

People avoid me like the plague if I don't make my own push first. Just opening a conversation once will make them more comfortable around you if the convo goes well.

 

[EasySkanking]

I dont know.. maybe Its all in my head... like everyone says.

Sorry to complain, this is kind of embarrassing to talk about actually.

Why is it embarassing, bro? You are on a forum for people with social anxiety disorder - the exact same thing you are experiencing. You have no idea how many times I've experienced the exact same thing you've posted - thousands maybe?

I know for a fact that most people do not judge us, as long as we look/behave somewhat normal. When we do get "looks", is when we look way off from "normal" or we act "weird"(social anxiety acting up). The reason most people do not judge us is because everyone is far more accepting than we give them credit for. Why are they so accepting? Because "they" too are imperfect - they are fat, ugly, stupid, short, whatever other "imperfection" we have labeled accordingly. If we didn't accept people due to their "imperfections", we'd never get to talk to anyone, thus we must accept people even with their imperfections.

So as long as you fit somewhere along the lines of "normal" (it's very forgiving), you won't be judged by most people (there are some unhappy people that grief over everything - the trolls/haters/whateveryouwannacallthem). I'd say 9/10 people don't judge you. At least that's what I've observed from my experiences "out in the world".

Of course you'll always get a weird look when you act 'weird' due to social anxiety - that is normal. You would give the same look to someone acting way unusual from what you are used to - it's just natural.

I'm sorry if I seem rude, but I'm straight up dude - you know I've tried to help you before ShyKiwi - and I'm just giving you the truth here (at least from what I know), hoping that it'll help you through this.