Harley<3Quinn
Member
Lately I've been digging into the reasons why I am the way I am, and this thread explains me perfectly (APD). Its never good to hold things inside yourself, so I know I will find some comfort here knowing theres a lot of people who could possibly relate to me if I spill my heart out!
Ive tried for a long time to write something that explains everything in a nut shell... but its impossible. My lifes so complex it would probably turn into a book. Im a chick thats in her early 20s, lives in the town I grew up in, has about 2 close friends I can do most things with, hates being around people for some reason. Ive had social phobia, anxiety, and depression most of my life but now its to the point where its extreme. I might have a bit of borderline personality too. The moods are extreme, and over nothing. Any little thing will set me off into a rage making me want to hurt myself, and then a little while later im laughing and everythings fine. I like to spend a lot of time alone, even though deep down I wish I had company. Im not sure if I have a full sense of who I really am, and Im probably stopping myself from letting my personality show.. its like im scared to let anyone know anything about me. Trust is a big issue too, throughout my life people have f-ed me over.
Facebook and myspace dont exist to me, I cringe at the thought of everyone knowing my life and what im doing, and putting their 2 cents into it. Relationships with people arent great, I tend to look like a "bad friend" or a flake. Im very picky about where i want to work because most places you have to talk to people and thats not something I was ever really good at. Like customers? Yeah no way, Ive done that before anyways, that and waitressing only to find out its the absolute worst job for me. Im very quiet.
I do my laundy at my apartment complex between 12 am and 3 am to avoid other people LOL!!!! I like to go grocery shopping between those hours too, its the best time in the world!
It says people with APD have like a fantasy world, an escape. Well I have that too, and im not going to be too specific because I want to be anonymous. Im a PC online gamer, and that is probably the best escape ever other than drugs. Im known and called by a different name, and im administrator for an awesome community that has alot of members, in the hundred thousands. Its not as good as real friends, but its good for now. It fills the space you know? I spend probably too much time with that.
So its about 3 22 am.. Im going to walmart soon lol, then maybe get some breakfast then crash. I also have the worlds most f-ed up sleeping schedule. I also dont have the greatest relationship with food right now, I love it but since my self image went to crap it makes me feel guilty, so thats a struggle. Im actually starving right now, drinking a Dr Pepper.
There is so much more I want to say, but thats enough for now. I am truely a good person, I wouldnt ever hurt anyone on purpose. I have a really good heart and soul, I just have had a rough life so far and everyday now is a struggle to make it.
Im right there with the rest of you guys. At least we aren't alone here! :
:
<3 Harley
Ive tried for a long time to write something that explains everything in a nut shell... but its impossible. My lifes so complex it would probably turn into a book. Im a chick thats in her early 20s, lives in the town I grew up in, has about 2 close friends I can do most things with, hates being around people for some reason. Ive had social phobia, anxiety, and depression most of my life but now its to the point where its extreme. I might have a bit of borderline personality too. The moods are extreme, and over nothing. Any little thing will set me off into a rage making me want to hurt myself, and then a little while later im laughing and everythings fine. I like to spend a lot of time alone, even though deep down I wish I had company. Im not sure if I have a full sense of who I really am, and Im probably stopping myself from letting my personality show.. its like im scared to let anyone know anything about me. Trust is a big issue too, throughout my life people have f-ed me over.
Facebook and myspace dont exist to me, I cringe at the thought of everyone knowing my life and what im doing, and putting their 2 cents into it. Relationships with people arent great, I tend to look like a "bad friend" or a flake. Im very picky about where i want to work because most places you have to talk to people and thats not something I was ever really good at. Like customers? Yeah no way, Ive done that before anyways, that and waitressing only to find out its the absolute worst job for me. Im very quiet.
I do my laundy at my apartment complex between 12 am and 3 am to avoid other people LOL!!!! I like to go grocery shopping between those hours too, its the best time in the world!
It says people with APD have like a fantasy world, an escape. Well I have that too, and im not going to be too specific because I want to be anonymous. Im a PC online gamer, and that is probably the best escape ever other than drugs. Im known and called by a different name, and im administrator for an awesome community that has alot of members, in the hundred thousands. Its not as good as real friends, but its good for now. It fills the space you know? I spend probably too much time with that.
So its about 3 22 am.. Im going to walmart soon lol, then maybe get some breakfast then crash. I also have the worlds most f-ed up sleeping schedule. I also dont have the greatest relationship with food right now, I love it but since my self image went to crap it makes me feel guilty, so thats a struggle. Im actually starving right now, drinking a Dr Pepper.
There is so much more I want to say, but thats enough for now. I am truely a good person, I wouldnt ever hurt anyone on purpose. I have a really good heart and soul, I just have had a rough life so far and everyday now is a struggle to make it.
Im right there with the rest of you guys. At least we aren't alone here! :
:<3 Harley
