Dark past still makes me feel guilty

dannyboy65

Well-known member
#1
I am now becoming the real me and I have strong morals and am very caring. I go out of my way for others and I always do the morally right thing. It's just no matter how I look at it im still guilt ridden about my past. For years I was a drug abuser and was always high. I'd pop pills and smoke a lot. I'd also drink to puking point.

On top of that I was a thief. I wouldn't steal anything big but I would steal things like cigarettes, loose change, sometimes small things of value or a few bills of cash. I still wish I could give it all back but I can't.

I would also hurt people emotionally and physically. I would black out and hurt these people. It was so bad that I one time jumped someone who did not deserve it and I really hurt him. What I feel even more guilty about is hurting an ex girlfriend so bad emotionally she tried to commit suicide. But the worst by far is when my ex girlfriend scared me and I slammed her against the wall and after that she always feared me.

I was a good liar and very charismatic. If I was in trouble I always found a way to get off easily. Be it at school after a fight or saying something wrong to a girl. I always had words to fix it. I abused it though in lying about my money that I "made" or by saying I wasn't high or drunk. I lied to my parents so much that it took them 6 years for them to even give me some trust.

But I really am not that guy anymore. The worst thing I do now is have one beer but I guess I wrote this as a confession and a way to get it off my chest. I know it's the past but all the guilt will always be on my shoulders.
 
#2
Hello dannyboy65,

what is done is done, you can't fix everything, whether you like it or not you have to move forward, don't dwell on your past.

All you can do to regain your self-esteem is striving to become a better man, eventually you'll forgive yourself.
 

dannyboy65

Well-known member
#3
Hello dannyboy65,

what is done is done, you can't fix everything, whether you like it or not you have to move forward, don't dwell on your past.

All you can do to regain your self-esteem is striving to become a better man, eventually you'll forgive yourself.
Well I do have one positive way to look at it and I feel that way is that I know the kind of man I want to be and I don't want to be what I was before.
 

GraybeardGhost

Well-known member
#4
Danny, it sounds like, as Jungle mentioned, you need to figure out how to forgive yourself for your past mistakes. I know from my own experience that that is not always an easy thing to do. You may find it easier, though, if you can get other people to forgive you first.

Having struggled with and beaten (!) your dependency on drugs, you are probably already acquainted with the twelve-step model of recovery, in which atoning for past transgressions plays an important role. I'll quote the NA version for those who may not be familiar with the steps:
Step 8: We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Step 9: We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
I suggest this may be something for you to try, if you haven't already (and if you have, try it again). It's not an easy proposition—in fact it can be downright scary—but it is something that has helped me and a lot of other people cope with the damage we've caused in the past.

Keep in mind, though, that the goal is always to make things better now, both for the people you hurt previously, and for yourself. It's not about doing penance or seeking out some form of punishment. It's about sincere contrition and apology, asking for and allowing yourself to accept forgiveness so that you can then move on to forgiving yourself. You can't change the past, and nothing that hurts you now (e.g., jail time or a punch in the face, even if you may think you have it coming) will help you to do so. Remember: when it comes to not injuring "them or others," you, too, are one of the others, and perhaps the most important one of all.

You won't be able to right every wrong or approach every individual, and you may be rebuffed at times, but you should be able to lighten your baggage at least to some degree going into the future, and that will make the journey a great deal easier for you.

I hope this helps, Danny. Good luck.
 

dannyboy65

Well-known member
#5
Danny, it sounds like, as Jungle mentioned, you need to figure out how to forgive yourself for your past mistakes. I know from my own experience that that is not always an easy thing to do. You may find it easier, though, if you can get other people to forgive you first.

Having struggled with and beaten (!) your dependency on drugs, you are probably already acquainted with the twelve-step model of recovery, in which atoning for past transgressions plays an important role. I'll quote the NA version for those who may not be familiar with the steps:

I suggest this may be something for you to try, if you haven't already (and if you have, try it again). It's not an easy proposition—in fact it can be downright scary—but it is something that has helped me and a lot of other people cope with the damage we've caused in the past.

Keep in mind, though, that the goal is always to make things better now, both for the people you hurt previously, and for yourself. It's not about doing penance or seeking out some form of punishment. It's about sincere contrition and apology, asking for and allowing yourself to accept forgiveness so that you can then move on to forgiving yourself. You can't change the past, and nothing that hurts you now (e.g., jail time or a punch in the face, even if you may think you have it coming) will help you to do so. Remember: when it comes to not injuring "them or others," you, too, are one of the others, and perhaps the most important one of all.

You won't be able to right every wrong or approach every individual, and you may be rebuffed at times, but you should be able to lighten your baggage at least to some degree going into the future, and that will make the journey a great deal easier for you.

I hope this helps, Danny. Good luck.
I didn't do the 12 step model of recovery. One day I just stopped them and never went back so I had no idea about the steps.
 
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