I have every problem listed on every diagnosis chart of everything. That's why I still don't know what's wrong with me. I've had addiction problems, drugs gambling, etc... and I always need something else to stop another thing, Now I only smoke though. Bulimia, anxiety, anger(but not dangerous to those I love, never hit a woman, etc... but I'll stand my ground to anyone if need be. Luckily not too many physical altercations and I don't want to go to jail so I have to be careful) wicked stress all the time, insomnia and nightmares(get maybe 5-6 hours sleep but wake up a few times, so its not sound), self-cutting, but not for the last 9 months or so, it comes and goes. Been diagnosed w/severe personality disorder in 1982, bi-polar, schitzophrenia but I don't think I have that(?), social issues, so I rarely go out anymore but used to in my teens/20's, anxiety issues, high blood press. and whatever else I can't think of right now, but I hide everything pretty well and don't hang around people long enough for it to show..., but I'm an honest, nice guy and people that do know me think I'm a great person because I always help people and fix everything for them and never accept money. I think its just that I expect people to be responsible, honest, and trustworthy like me and they aren't, so it makes me stay away. I'm way too sensitive for my own good, but I bet that every person on this forum has that problem because that's where I think all mental problems begin. I can be funny as hell, and I'm a goof with my 12 year old daughter. She loves me so much because I'm a big kid and like to have fun! Plus I spoil her as much as humanly possible. She's my life but since I'm divorced and she goes to school in Russia, I only see her in the summers now here in Florida. We go to the amusement and waterparks and this summer I took her and my ex-wife on a 5 day cruise for vacation. I don't spend any money on myself, so most of what I have is saved and spent on them. Me and my ex are still friends but just couldn't live together anymore. She's too thick-headed for me and I for her so its like oil and water..lol Anyway, yeah, when I'm really mad I might punch holes in walls or even use my head to do it. Then I have to fix the walls later! Oh well.., and if that doesn't calm me, that's when the razor blade does and I release what feels to be the pressure built up inside by bleeding it out. Honestly though, few people would think I had any problems, but they don't see me that long and I stay away as much as possible. I make myself out to be some kind of monster to people, but the truth is that I'm not, I just tell of the times I am and it makes me sound crazy. I'm shy to begin with, and since I don't want to ruin anyone elses life with my BS, I won't have a relationship although I really want to sometimes. I never read books, but I've written one(kinda weird huh!) Its called "An Overexposed Mind" and is a collection of 650 Haiku style quips that cover everything from humor, philosophy, emotions, politics, childrens fun, and miscellaneous topics. I write poetry on/off but its usually dark, and write sing, play guitar I taught myself and own songs for self entertainment. Also play drums a little but mostly guitar. Can do anything myself... boilers/plumbing, carpentry, tiles, hardwood floors, electric, sheetrock/taping, kitchens/baths, etc... and also small engine work and cars. I use both sides of my brain but I'm not a "professional" at anything I suppose, yet I do it all very nice. I was highest in class in college algebra and pre-calc and worked in the civil engineering and surveying field as foreman and assistant super on multi-million dollar job sites. Smart guy but borderline on edge of smart/insane maybe. IQ is pretty high, maybe about 135 +/-, but not good socially. Started as a shy kid when young and never really broke out of it. That's me in a nut-shell. How's that for anger issues! lol I miss my daughter most of all, but I want her to get a good education and I'm doing what's best for her and she's happy, even though it hurts me for her not to be here. She's a smart, beautiful girl who is best in all her classes. I see her sometimes get angry like me so I hope its not hereditary. I'm good at calming others down though because I know exactly what people are going thru and can relate, just can't help myself. Easier to preach than to practice for me! I'm on Social Security disability now but I worked 25 years w/my problems and kept them at a miimum at work because I didn't think of work as a social thing, just a job, but it eventually caught up with me. At least I worked enough so my payments are top tier and I'll have a pension also in 5 years about. Own 2 houses and gave a 3rd to my ex in my divorce along w/cash and I took the 70 grand in debt! I have no debt now and live comfortably financially though, but not much cash in the bank but between everything still make about 43k a year and my pension will add another 14k or so later. I lived responsibly always except for my addictions on/off, and now I don't take any meds because when I quit it was 5 days of hell to get off cold-turkey and thought I'd die. I can't go back knowing what I went through to get off except occasionally I'll take a trazadone or ativan if things get really bad. Wanted to tonight but decided not to and will man it out. Just writing to keep busy here and keep my mind occupied, that's all! Maybe I'm diagnosed bi-polar also because I'm either go all the way or not at all, I have no middle gears..
