Compliments

[lilmutegirl]

I found a couple of other threads that address how people receive compliments (there may be more, but I didn't go through the whole list):
https://socialphobiaworld.com/threads/getting-more-compliments-because-of-sa-shyness.62240/
https://socialphobiaworld.com/threa...g-lied-to-when-someone-compliments-you.61536/

I find it interesting that so many people on here feel the same way I do/did: I sincerely believed, until I was about 35 (5 years ago) that any compliment I recieved was because the other person sensed my lack of confidence, and they were just being nice. I now think that they may actually mean what they say, but I had an epiphany today: when someone pays me a compliment, I think they must have low standards, if they believe that I reach/exceed their expectations. My boss has given me a lot of praise, and, while I appreciate it a lot, I don't feel like I am doing as spectacularly as she says I am.

I have given this a lot of thought, and believe some of this may stem from the fact that my parents rarely compliment me, and have never expressed any pride in me. When my mom compliments me, it is contrasting me with someone she views as inferior ("you're prettier than her" or "you're smarter than him"), and never just makes it about me. I also was compared/contrasted with my brother throughout our lives, though not always overtly, so it's taken me years to realize the impact of that. He was the golden child: cute, brilliant, entertaining. I was...something else: ugly (my dad loves to tell me what an ugly baby I was, and I agree), dumb (they thought I was cognitively "slow" as a child, and, despite going through school in honors classes, and getting a graduate degree, I still feel dumb), boring (my dad stated I had no personality).

What are your thoughts on compliments? How do you receive them?

 

[lily]

yeah, I think it must be that your parents rarely paid you a compliment. I've received similar compliments, those r the ones I believe and even rare compliments, I can tell by how they say it, that they actually really mean it. Have you ever received "similar" compliments from unrelated people? it could be your self-confidence that you don't believe in them. I think ANY compliment is "worthy" if it's sincere, that someone actually thought that about you, they must've thought highly of it, that perhaps they weren't or couldn't be held to that higher or high standard themselves in that way.

 

[Hoth]

My self-esteem isn't low, so I don't disbelieve them. My problem is figuring out what to say or do in response. Since I'm not close to people, they always come from people I'm not close to, and a compliment is often an invitation to become closer. So I feel like I always fumble that and try to change the subject, and then think I should've complimented them back or something but I don't know how to give them without it sounding like an ultra-fake parroting of what they just said to me.

 

[Phoenixx]

I find it interesting that so many people on here feel the same way I do/did: I sincerely believed, until I was about 35 (5 years ago) that any compliment I recieved was because the other person sensed my lack of confidence, and they were just being nice. I now think that they may actually mean what they say, but I had an epiphany today: when someone pays me a compliment, I think they must have low standards, if they believe that I reach/exceed their expectations. My boss has given me a lot of praise, and, while I appreciate it a lot, I don't feel like I am doing as spectacularly as she says I am.

I have given this a lot of thought, and believe some of this may stem from the fact that my parents rarely compliment me, and have never expressed any pride in me. When my mom compliments me, it is contrasting me with someone she views as inferior ("you're prettier than her" or "you're smarter than him"), and never just makes it about me. I also was compared/contrasted with my brother throughout our lives, though not always overtly, so it's taken me years to realize the impact of that. He was the golden child: cute, brilliant, entertaining. I was...something else: ugly (my dad loves to tell me what an ugly baby I was, and I agree), dumb (they thought I was cognitively "slow" as a child, and, despite going through school in honors classes, and getting a graduate degree, I still feel dumb), boring (my dad stated I had no personality).

What are your thoughts on compliments? How do you receive them?

I completely understand what you're saying, especially with your parents because mine were the same way too. Compliments in my family growing up, especially from my mother, was always a contrasting statement versus an actual genuine expression of admiration. (Now that I think about it I can't recall any admirable expressions that WEREN'T a comparison to someone else of some sort. ) It definitely impacts how you receive compliments from other people and even how you give them as well. It's hard for me to compliment others I rarely know, because I'm so afraid of sounding fake or maybe coming off as being too personal. Receiving compliments is just as bad for me. I never really know what to say except, "Oh thanks!"

Hoth, you made a good statement about a compliment being an invitation to being closer and I think that hits the nail on the head. I've never thought about it like that, but it definitely explains why giving compliments makes people uncomfortable (like me), because they're not comfortable themselves becoming closer to others right away.