MsBuzzkillington
Well-known member
I just can't believe how alone I am. I can't believe it has gotten this bad.
My posts seem to be a bit long, sometimes I get on one thought and then 10 more pop up. I will understand if no one reads it all, I just need somewhere to vent.
I had a handful of friends back in my home state that I would occasionally talk to and go visit when I went to visit my mom. I was sorta comfortable around them, I at least considered them friends. But it was seeming like I was the one who was continually making the effort. Always the one saying hello, always the one texting, always the one asking to hang out.
Slowly I stopped making the effort and now I don't hear from anyone anymore. A few months ago I had talked about wanting to go visit for Halloween. Then they all planned a Halloween party and no one invited me, no one told me about it. I happened to find out about it when one person posted something on another friends facebook about the party theme.
No one even cared that I hadn't gone. No one even asked where I was. No one said they wished I was there.
Over the past several months I had been feeling less and less connected to that group of people. The Halloween situation just sort of pushed it over the edge. Now I am at the point where I feel way too awkward to go up there again and hang out, way too awkward and nervous to try and make conversation. Really as if anyone cares at this point. Next time I visit my mom, I am not going to tell anyone I am in town. I just can't face anyone, I can't force them to hang out with me anymore.
Out of that group of people, I had one person who I could really talk to. Him and his girlfriend. She has never said anything out loud, but I am 98% sure that she has some sort of social anxiety, we connected on that, because she was always avoided people and she is really quiet too. My friend, her boyfriend, has OCD and has other social anxieties as well. So these two were the main people I could talk with about anything, and could relate to them with.
Then a few things happened and she ended up blocking me on Skype. Still not 100% sure why she blocked me, I am not sure why it got to that point or why we couldn't talk about things after wards. Especially when I explained my feelings to her boyfriend. So she hasn't talked to me in a few months.
Then my friend ended up hearing some news that he had to have surgery. This of course did not go well with his OCD and anxiety. I actually had the same surgery a long time ago, so I talked to him a lot about it. But it got to the point where he was doing nothing but talking about it and researching the risks to getting it. He was searching alternative treatments and all this and that... and it was starting to get really draining and bringing up a lot of bad memories for myself. I told him it was okay to look up alternative treatments and he could try whatever made him feel comfortable. He could do whatever he needed, take a year off and talk to a therapist and work through his OCD and see what happens later. There's no rush. I would bring up other topics of conversation and he wouldn't respond. There was a little bit more talking, I'll stop rambling about that.. haha. But the point is, he doesn't talk to me anymore. It has been a few weeks now.
I feel way too awkward to IM him. I may have done it a couple times during the election days, but he didn't really respond. One word answer maybe.
It sucks, because I really valued his friendship. Now I think it's destroyed.
I had one last friend, good friend, that I met on another anxiety site. He is the only person from that site that I still talk to. Frankly, the only person who I have been able to keep a close (online) friendship with for more than a few weeks. We talked on a regular basis, we talked a lot. Then he got a girlfriend. Which I am absolutely happy for him, he deserve to be happy and he deserves someone to love him and show him that he is worth loving.
But due to how much time they have been spending together, he hasn't spoken a word to me. He did a little bit when they first started hanging out. But it has all stopped now. They have been dating for a little under 2 months and now they are moving in together at the end of this month. So, if I don't hear from him now, I am definitely not going to hear from him later on.
It's really hard, because we had such a close friendship, and now it's totally gone. It's completely changed. It's over.
I have been feeling more and more detached from everything. Less and less worth it.
But I still tried to make that effort to reach out to someone. I had no one to talk to. I had become a fan of a tshirt company on facebook. I was randomly looking at comments, saw some guys picture, clicked on his profile and he actually ended up living really close to me. So I figured, might as well take a shot. So I messaged him.
Eventually, we started texting. I felt a little bit of relief, someone to talk to- finally. I mentioned a couple times how I really appreciated having someone to talk to, because things have been lonely. He said that he completely understood and was glad to have someone to talk to as well.
So, I thought we were in the same boat. I thought, that he was just as lonely as I was, and we could at least have that common ground to start a friendship on. We got along pretty well. After several weeks I asked him if he wanted to hang out, he said sure, but then he canceled. Which, I never really believe someone when they say an emergency came up. Especially when it's something like, "my friend is really upset lately, so I am going to take him out to dinner. Also, my roommate wants me to clean the apartment."
I said it was okay, and asked if he wanted to hang out Saturday (yesterday)
He said no because he already had plans, that he had for awhile.
So then this morning (Sunday morning) I wake up to on facebook his status saying, "OMG! I am sooo happy!"
Then hours and hours and hours later, he replied to the comments "I hopefully will have more details in the next few days/weeks.
I just don't want to jump the gun.
He had also mentioned that he didn't even notice about daylight savings time last night because he was too happy.
So it's like okay, cool. I mean it's not like I don't want people to be happy.
But, wtf? Another person gone? Another person not talking to me anymore? Another person found someone better? He hasn't talked to me since early Friday afternoon when he canceled on me.
I have, no one now. Absolutely no one. Not a single exaggeration. I have, no one, to talk to.
I just can't believe that I don't even have an occasional person to vent to.
My posts seem to be a bit long, sometimes I get on one thought and then 10 more pop up. I will understand if no one reads it all, I just need somewhere to vent.
I had a handful of friends back in my home state that I would occasionally talk to and go visit when I went to visit my mom. I was sorta comfortable around them, I at least considered them friends. But it was seeming like I was the one who was continually making the effort. Always the one saying hello, always the one texting, always the one asking to hang out.
Slowly I stopped making the effort and now I don't hear from anyone anymore. A few months ago I had talked about wanting to go visit for Halloween. Then they all planned a Halloween party and no one invited me, no one told me about it. I happened to find out about it when one person posted something on another friends facebook about the party theme.
No one even cared that I hadn't gone. No one even asked where I was. No one said they wished I was there.
Over the past several months I had been feeling less and less connected to that group of people. The Halloween situation just sort of pushed it over the edge. Now I am at the point where I feel way too awkward to go up there again and hang out, way too awkward and nervous to try and make conversation. Really as if anyone cares at this point. Next time I visit my mom, I am not going to tell anyone I am in town. I just can't face anyone, I can't force them to hang out with me anymore.
Out of that group of people, I had one person who I could really talk to. Him and his girlfriend. She has never said anything out loud, but I am 98% sure that she has some sort of social anxiety, we connected on that, because she was always avoided people and she is really quiet too. My friend, her boyfriend, has OCD and has other social anxieties as well. So these two were the main people I could talk with about anything, and could relate to them with.
Then a few things happened and she ended up blocking me on Skype. Still not 100% sure why she blocked me, I am not sure why it got to that point or why we couldn't talk about things after wards. Especially when I explained my feelings to her boyfriend. So she hasn't talked to me in a few months.
Then my friend ended up hearing some news that he had to have surgery. This of course did not go well with his OCD and anxiety. I actually had the same surgery a long time ago, so I talked to him a lot about it. But it got to the point where he was doing nothing but talking about it and researching the risks to getting it. He was searching alternative treatments and all this and that... and it was starting to get really draining and bringing up a lot of bad memories for myself. I told him it was okay to look up alternative treatments and he could try whatever made him feel comfortable. He could do whatever he needed, take a year off and talk to a therapist and work through his OCD and see what happens later. There's no rush. I would bring up other topics of conversation and he wouldn't respond. There was a little bit more talking, I'll stop rambling about that.. haha. But the point is, he doesn't talk to me anymore. It has been a few weeks now.
I feel way too awkward to IM him. I may have done it a couple times during the election days, but he didn't really respond. One word answer maybe.
It sucks, because I really valued his friendship. Now I think it's destroyed.
I had one last friend, good friend, that I met on another anxiety site. He is the only person from that site that I still talk to. Frankly, the only person who I have been able to keep a close (online) friendship with for more than a few weeks. We talked on a regular basis, we talked a lot. Then he got a girlfriend. Which I am absolutely happy for him, he deserve to be happy and he deserves someone to love him and show him that he is worth loving.
But due to how much time they have been spending together, he hasn't spoken a word to me. He did a little bit when they first started hanging out. But it has all stopped now. They have been dating for a little under 2 months and now they are moving in together at the end of this month. So, if I don't hear from him now, I am definitely not going to hear from him later on.
It's really hard, because we had such a close friendship, and now it's totally gone. It's completely changed. It's over.
I have been feeling more and more detached from everything. Less and less worth it.
But I still tried to make that effort to reach out to someone. I had no one to talk to. I had become a fan of a tshirt company on facebook. I was randomly looking at comments, saw some guys picture, clicked on his profile and he actually ended up living really close to me. So I figured, might as well take a shot. So I messaged him.
Eventually, we started texting. I felt a little bit of relief, someone to talk to- finally. I mentioned a couple times how I really appreciated having someone to talk to, because things have been lonely. He said that he completely understood and was glad to have someone to talk to as well.
So, I thought we were in the same boat. I thought, that he was just as lonely as I was, and we could at least have that common ground to start a friendship on. We got along pretty well. After several weeks I asked him if he wanted to hang out, he said sure, but then he canceled. Which, I never really believe someone when they say an emergency came up. Especially when it's something like, "my friend is really upset lately, so I am going to take him out to dinner. Also, my roommate wants me to clean the apartment."
I said it was okay, and asked if he wanted to hang out Saturday (yesterday)
He said no because he already had plans, that he had for awhile.
So then this morning (Sunday morning) I wake up to on facebook his status saying, "OMG! I am sooo happy!"
Then hours and hours and hours later, he replied to the comments "I hopefully will have more details in the next few days/weeks.
I just don't want to jump the gun. He had also mentioned that he didn't even notice about daylight savings time last night because he was too happy.
So it's like okay, cool. I mean it's not like I don't want people to be happy.
But, wtf? Another person gone? Another person not talking to me anymore? Another person found someone better? He hasn't talked to me since early Friday afternoon when he canceled on me.
I have, no one now. Absolutely no one. Not a single exaggeration. I have, no one, to talk to.
I just can't believe that I don't even have an occasional person to vent to.
