Childhood experiences

[Iseesky]

My grandma came over this afternoon and she was telling me about my little cousin who's just turned 3. Apparently, he refuses to use any bathroom that is not in his house. He throws a tantrum and his parents end up having to drive home so he can go to the bathroom. We were talking about why he wouldn't want to use the different bathrooms and she thought that something must have happened to scare him into not wanting to use them.

She brought up something from when I was younger. At a certain age, (I was in grade 1, I believe) I went from being a carefree, social butterfly to a nervous wreck. I was still very sociable and had lots of friends, but I had terrible anxiety and worried about everything. If my parents were to leave and I stayed home with anyone I'd cry and cry until they came back hours later. I was afraid of being in trouble at school. I was afraid of the older kids. I was afraid of basically everything and it seemed to happen all of a sudden. One thing I remember, as silly as it sounds, was my two older 'buddies.' Everyone had one or two older buddies who were in grade 7 at the time that would read/play games with them. I had two girls who were a little strange. They looked normal enough (or what I thought was normal at age 6/7ish), but they were playing weird games with me one day when we were supposed to be reading. One put her hands on either side of my head and said something strange and it creeped me the **** out.

I went home crying and told my mom that I wanted to switch buddies. I did and didn't talk to or see my original buddies again. I think that's what started my anxiety. Before that point I was fine. After that incident (and perhaps others with these girls that I don't remember) I was scared of everything. I don't feel as though they did crazy voodoo or anything, but I definitely think they were able to effect me enough to cause problems. I went to a children's hospital after that to get tests and be talked to (I guess, I don't remember anything from that point) but nothing much was done apart from that.

It just made me think about how largely things that happen when you're little contribute to how you are/act now. So, for those of you who are actually reading this!...Do you have memories from your childhood that have shaped/caused your anxiety or other issues? Share if you feel like...

 

[OPERA]

wish i had something like, my mom stuffed me in a blender, but my childhood seemed normal enough.

 

[Mikefly]

No i'm more of a believer of genetics I just think basically the old phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Sure we're in times with more technology and what not but i don't think childhood experiences effect you that much not unless it's something drastic like being raped or seeing someone murdered just my opinion.

 

[chained]

well I actually hung out at a gypsy's house.. so imagine how ****ed up I am

 

[ShyCanuck]

No i'm more of a believer of genetics I just think basically the old phrase "the apple doesn't fall far from the tree." Sure we're in times with more technology and what not but i don't think childhood experiences effect you that much not unless it's something drastic like being raped or seeing someone murdered just my opinion.

That's not really the consensus (although I guess there really isn't one). The prevailing idea is that both genetics and environmental influences play a role in developing these disorders, however it isn't really known or agreed upon as to how much genetics or environment influences certain disorders. Some disorders have a clear genetic, hereditary cause while others seem to have no genetic causes at all.

Anyways, I do have some memories but they're all pretty horrible and most of them are embarrassing, I'd rather not share them. Sort of like Hellhound, they just sort of pop into my head even though I'd gladly erase them from my mind if I could. Nothing severe like child abuse, just really embarrassing moments, at least I think of them as such.

 

[osse]

For me it hasn't been a traumatic happening, but a collection of embarrassing ones from childhood to teen years plus some things that frightened me, but I have always had a tendency to be afraid of things that don't scare other people. In fact, I'm afraid of almost everything and everybody.

 

[Iseesky]

Genetics do play a part in most instances, but not as much as you'd think. Environment plays a very vital role as well...Just as ShyCanuck has stated. We're learning about this in one of my psychology classes. It's very interesting. I wish I could remember the exact percentages, but the likelihood of an alcoholic parent to have a child that becomes an alcoholic is between 50-60% and anxiety and some other mental disorders is much lower than that.

Aaaanyway...Yes, I too have had my fair share of embarassing moments. I didn't even think of those! That very well could have contributed. On one picture day (before pictures were taken) in elementary school a friend of mine accidently hit me in the face causing my nose to bleed. Another picture day (again, before the pictures were taken) I did a face plant on the gravel sidewalk and my face got all scratched. I won't mention any of the really embarrassing stuff.

 

[danstelter]

Definitely my childhood contributed. Kids on the bus on the way to school would harass my friends and I quite often, and I also had certain "friends" at school who were manipulative and attempted to pressure me into things that I didn't want to do.

Then, I got a bad job with nasty people, had a nasty teacher the whole day, and then difficult parents to go home to. I think that I am genetically wired to be anxious, but these experiences definitely helped to shape the anxiety levels I experience today.

 

[Devrium]

I don't really know if I want to share all of this and I doubt you guys want to hear it because it's not a happy story.. but I can tell you my childhood is DEFINITELY what fcked me up... I won't go into gory details too much because, well it would just be too long to type, and I don't really think you guys want to hear just how messed up everything was... But I can tell you my dad was an abusive jerk for the short time that he was with us.. I remember one incident quite clearly.. when I was like 3 or so he had put me in a waste paper basket (or small trash can of some sort) and told me to just sit there and be quite.. then he dragged a chair over and stood on it and I remember him yelling at me.. I don't really remember what he was saying.. but I have this clear image of him towering over me and pointing his finger and looking really, really angry.. Years later mom told me that he used to do that to me a lot if I did something bad (like make a mess in my high chair or poop in my diaper I dunno..) apparently he would yell things like I am so worthless and nobody loves me and I wasn't wanted etc etc.. Now I don't really remember that part but.. I am sure it effected me somehow...

Part 2...A couple years after mom left him (when I was about 7) she got really really really sick and was on all sorts of psychotropic medications and was diagnosed with agoraphobia and depression etc... So she wasn't really around at all. I remember going weeks at a time without even laying eyes on her. So basically I raised myself from that time on (as in I would babysit for money to feed myself and what not.. also I was responsible for paying all the bills and rent and stuff.. mom was essentially useless). Anyway, consequently, I didn't take very good care of myself (as a 2nd grader) and was horribly teased and ridiculed at school, not only by the other kids but by the teachers and some parents as well.. so I just wouldn't go to class very often.. I would just hide out in my room or in a tree or something all day and read books.. I remember quite clearly my 5th grade teacher taking me up in front of the classroom and saying to me.. "you failed the 5th grade. You are stupid and you are worthless.. and the only reason I am passing you, is because I don't want to see your face in this school ever again..." I wasn't a bad student or anything.. I'm not a bad person.. I don't know why people always treated me that way or what I did to deserve it.. but it is what it is...

So yea... my childhood definitely caused me to be who I am today. I mistrust people and well, the world in general... Most of the time I feel like all other people cause is misery, suffering, hatred and pain... that's why most of the time I don't even bother with society at large.. That's why I keep my distance..

And I apologize.. I didn't mean for this to be a sob story, not at all. I mean I know many of you had it much worse and I was fortunate I didn't really suffer physical abuse.. just emotional abuse and neglect.. so I know I had it good compared to a lot of people. I am just saying, I for sure think that what happens to us in childhood shapes who we are.. I mean I can get all psychological on you and talk about Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages of development and trust vs mistrust and Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt and so on and so on (not to mention the hundreds of other theory's that explain why we are who we are) but yea... I guess that's probably one of the reasons I ended up going into Developmental Psychology too as my major in college.. it effected every aspect of my life...

 

[Iseesky]

danstelter- It's funny how kids not much older than you can effect you so much!

Devrium- Aww that's terrible. I can't imagine how hard that must have been. You're probably such a strong person because of it and I can see why you wouldn't trust people. People can be horrible! Don't apologize! You seem like a lovely person, which is great considering the things you've had to deal with. I'm taking psychology in college right now also. It's so interesting and I definitely want to help other people with mental illnesses. My goal is to be a developmental psychologist/child therapist.

 

[Inkling]

well I actually hung out at a gypsy's house.. so imagine how ****ed up I am

How interesting....What was that like?

 

[Devrium]

danstelter- It's funny how kids not much older than you can effect you so much!

Devrium- Aww that's terrible. I can't imagine how hard that must have been. You're probably such a strong person because of it and I can see why you wouldn't trust people. People can be horrible! Don't apologize! You seem like a lovely person, which is great considering the things you've had to deal with. I'm taking psychology in college right now also. It's so interesting and I definitely want to help other people with mental illnesses. My goal is to be a developmental psychologist/child therapist.

Thank you for your kind words ^^ I guess I might be a stronger person in some ways.. but also a little cynical too because of everything... lol.

In other ways however... Well like, for example, I constantly struggle with self esteem issues and insecurities (as I am sure many here do).. they eat me alive inside each and every day... I am needy and codependent with my relationships and that leads to feelings of guilt and shame and frustration and anger... Some days I don't even know how my loved ones put up with me... especially my boyfriend =/

But well, something someone said to me once... when I was diagnosed with cancer the first time... my step Aunt wrote me a card and in it she said.. "Our daughter Carrie was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 2. Sometimes the treatment made her fat, sometimes it made her skinny. It often made her cranky. But there were so many wonderful people along the way who reached out to give a hand or a hug. I can never really regret the experience; it is just another one of life's mysterious experiences that you ride out like a wave. When ever it's the scariest, comfort your mom. Cancer happens to the whole family, trust me on this."

Anyway.. to this day (11 years later) I still think of that card and how everything we go through is just another experience we have to overcome... Like right now... I just found out 5 weeks ago that my cancer is back and here I am having to fight it all over again... my chances of ever having children (the one thing I wanted in this world more than anything).. completely shot now. Most of the time (and especially these days) I have to take one day, one hour, one moment at a time just to make it through... (and for those of you that read all my posts I know I talk about this cancer thing a lot.. but it's kind of hard not too when I am living it every day.. so I am sorry if you are sick of hearing about it =/)

Anyway, One of my favorite quotes that I wanted to share with you is, "There is a saying that the earth upon which we fall is the same ground which enables us to push ourselves up again. There's another which maintains that barley grows better after it has been trampled on. Human relationships are sometimes painful, but there is no such pain from which we cannot recover. It is up to us to decide to live a life free from self-doubt and despair in spite of our failures. Indeed, it is during our most humbling moments that we should show greatest poise and grace. Then the dignity of our lives will truly shine."

So yea, I do mistrust people.. some days I would even go so far as to say I hate them... for how they treated me, for everything that happened... I am scared of them and I want nothing to do with them...but then the other half of me... it loves people. I like to think I am compassionate but again.. it's just another inner battle I am constantly fighting with myself. Some days I have no faith in the human race whatsoever.. other days I can see the love and compassion we can have for one another and it leaves me standing in awe.. of all that we are and all that we have accomplished as a species...I guess it tends to make me rather contradictory too, which confuses people and makes it difficult for them to understand me...

Anyway I didn't mean to make this so long.... but I did want to say one other thing and that's that Dev Psych is epic. I wanted to be a school psychologist myself but changed my mind at the last second because I learned it was more about bureaucrats and less about helping the actual children... plus I think I am happier locked away in a lab away from people. I love chemistry far too much. Still I don't regret having my degree in psych ^^ It comes in handy every now and then lol

 

[diesel]

i was a very happy child up til the age of 7-8 then it all changed .... i cnt remember anythin happenin 2 cause it but i get worse every year .

 

[Iseesky]

Wow, wise words! It would be so nice to be able to remember words like what your aunt wrote when in the middle of a difficult situation.
I like the two quotes. I struggle to remind myself that I'm not as important as I think. That what I do and what I'm embarrassed of is often insignificant in the long run and that I should just live rather than dwell.
I feel the same way with regards to people. I don't like them, but love them at the same time. It's hard!
That's too bad about the child psych. Hopefully it's different where I live! Though, with our school district it's likely not. =/

 

[Iseesky]

i was a very happy child up til the age of 7-8 then it all changed .... i cnt remember anythin happenin 2 cause it but i get worse every year .

That's similar to me. I was fine up until around that age and it started to get worse. I've hit a point where it's starting to get better though...I think.

 

[worrywort]

The main childhood memories I have that I think contributed the most to my social anxiety are those involving my older siblings, especially one of my brothers. I have 3 older siblings and for most of my childhood I had this very distinct feeling of being the bottom rung whenever I was around them. I was always the butt of the jokes, and I often remember that whenever I would open my mouth to say anything, the conversation would stop and everyone would turn and look at me and then laugh and say how stupid my remark was etc, or how I killed the conversation etc. And I remember my brother especially used to pick on every little thing I did. Whenever I smiled he'd look at me with disgust and say how ugly or stupid my smile looks , or he'd tease me about my lisp, or the way I walked, or pretty much anything I did. And he'd often beat me up and bully me etc. I'm probably making it sound a lot worse than it really was, cause it was probably no different that your usual sibling rivalries etc. The only difference was that I would never fight back. I'm not sure why I've never had that desire. I still don't today. I tend to just absorb insults then just continue on my way.

Its fine now though, I'm definitely not the bottom rung in my family anymore, although I do still have trouble in social situations, so I haven't completely rid myself of the echoes of my childhood just yet.

 

[Brokenx]

I don't really know if I want to share all of this and I doubt you guys want to hear it because it's not a happy story.. but I can tell you my childhood is DEFINITELY what fcked me up... I won't go into gory details too much because, well it would just be too long to type, and I don't really think you guys want to hear just how messed up everything was... But I can tell you my dad was an abusive jerk for the short time that he was with us.. I remember one incident quite clearly.. when I was like 3 or so he had put me in a waste paper basket (or small trash can of some sort) and told me to just sit there and be quite.. then he dragged a chair over and stood on it and I remember him yelling at me.. I don't really remember what he was saying.. but I have this clear image of him towering over me and pointing his finger and looking really, really angry.. Years later mom told me that he used to do that to me a lot if I did something bad (like make a mess in my high chair or poop in my diaper I dunno..) apparently he would yell things like I am so worthless and nobody loves me and I wasn't wanted etc etc.. Now I don't really remember that part but.. I am sure it effected me somehow...

Part 2...A couple years after mom left him (when I was about 7) she got really really really sick and was on all sorts of psychotropic medications and was diagnosed with agoraphobia and depression etc... So she wasn't really around at all. I remember going weeks at a time without even laying eyes on her. So basically I raised myself from that time on (as in I would babysit for money to feed myself and what not.. also I was responsible for paying all the bills and rent and stuff.. mom was essentially useless). Anyway, consequently, I didn't take very good care of myself (as a 2nd grader) and was horribly teased and ridiculed at school, not only by the other kids but by the teachers and some parents as well.. so I just wouldn't go to class very often.. I would just hide out in my room or in a tree or something all day and read books.. I remember quite clearly my 5th grade teacher taking me up in front of the classroom and saying to me.. "you failed the 5th grade. You are stupid and you are worthless.. and the only reason I am passing you, is because I don't want to see your face in this school ever again..." I wasn't a bad student or anything.. I'm not a bad person.. I don't know why people always treated me that way or what I did to deserve it.. but it is what it is...

So yea... my childhood definitely caused me to be who I am today. I mistrust people and well, the world in general... Most of the time I feel like all other people cause is misery, suffering, hatred and pain... that's why most of the time I don't even bother with society at large.. That's why I keep my distance..

And I apologize.. I didn't mean for this to be a sob story, not at all. I mean I know many of you had it much worse and I was fortunate I didn't really suffer physical abuse.. just emotional abuse and neglect.. so I know I had it good compared to a lot of people. I am just saying, I for sure think that what happens to us in childhood shapes who we are.. I mean I can get all psychological on you and talk about Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages of development and trust vs mistrust and Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt and so on and so on (not to mention the hundreds of other theory's that explain why we are who we are) but yea... I guess that's probably one of the reasons I ended up going into Developmental Psychology too as my major in college.. it effected every aspect of my life...

I always take the time to read your posts because i find the things you say very interesting, i see you didn't have it easy and i cannot even think it was like for you to be treated like you where worthless, well they and i mean the teachers failed you.. They are the people you are meant to trust and they let you down, you should be very proud of the fact you have come through the other end of all the let down and abuse you have suffered. I'm sure you're an amazing person

 

[osse]

Thank you for your kind words ^^ I guess I might be a stronger person in some ways.. but also a little cynical too because of everything... lol.

In other ways however... Well like, for example, I constantly struggle with self esteem issues and insecurities (as I am sure many here do).. they eat me alive inside each and every day... I am needy and codependent with my relationships and that leads to feelings of guilt and shame and frustration and anger... Some days I don't even know how my loved ones put up with me... especially my boyfriend =/

But well, something someone said to me once... when I was diagnosed with cancer the first time... my step Aunt wrote me a card and in it she said.. "Our daughter Carrie was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 2. Sometimes the treatment made her fat, sometimes it made her skinny. It often made her cranky. But there were so many wonderful people along the way who reached out to give a hand or a hug. I can never really regret the experience; it is just another one of life's mysterious experiences that you ride out like a wave. When ever it's the scariest, comfort your mom. Cancer happens to the whole family, trust me on this."

Anyway.. to this day (11 years later) I still think of that card and how everything we go through is just another experience we have to overcome... Like right now... I just found out 5 weeks ago that my cancer is back and here I am having to fight it all over again... my chances of ever having children (the one thing I wanted in this world more than anything).. completely shot now. Most of the time (and especially these days) I have to take one day, one hour, one moment at a time just to make it through... (and for those of you that read all my posts I know I talk about this cancer thing a lot.. but it's kind of hard not too when I am living it every day.. so I am sorry if you are sick of hearing about it =/)

Anyway, One of my favorite quotes that I wanted to share with you is, "There is a saying that the earth upon which we fall is the same ground which enables us to push ourselves up again. There's another which maintains that barley grows better after it has been trampled on. Human relationships are sometimes painful, but there is no such pain from which we cannot recover. It is up to us to decide to live a life free from self-doubt and despair in spite of our failures. Indeed, it is during our most humbling moments that we should show greatest poise and grace. Then the dignity of our lives will truly shine."

So yea, I do mistrust people.. some days I would even go so far as to say I hate them... for how they treated me, for everything that happened... I am scared of them and I want nothing to do with them...but then the other half of me... it loves people. I like to think I am compassionate but again.. it's just another inner battle I am constantly fighting with myself. Some days I have no faith in the human race whatsoever.. other days I can see the love and compassion we can have for one another and it leaves me standing in awe.. of all that we are and all that we have accomplished as a species...I guess it tends to make me rather contradictory too, which confuses people and makes it difficult for them to understand me...

Anyway I didn't mean to make this so long.... but I did want to say one other thing and that's that Dev Psych is epic. I wanted to be a school psychologist myself but changed my mind at the last second because I learned it was more about bureaucrats and less about helping the actual children... plus I think I am happier locked away in a lab away from people. I love chemistry far too much. Still I don't regret having my degree in psych ^^ It comes in handy every now and then lol

:: I don't know what to say.

 

[Devrium]

I am going to try to do this all in one post lol

@Drivemycar lol thank you ^^

When you said, "I struggle to remind myself that I'm not as important as I think. That what I do and what I'm embarrassed of is often insignificant in the long run and that I should just live rather than dwell." It reminded me of a story one of my professors told me once in college...

There was a dance at his high school.. like a sock hop or something where everyone would wear their best socks (but no shoes of course)... well right before the dance he was experimenting with some dye (I'm not sure why) But he ended up dyeing one of his socks blue and he didn't have time to change it.. so he went to the dance anyway and all night long he was so concerned and embarrassed with the fact that he had a blue sock, that he stopped and pointed it out to everyone... but half way through the night he realized that no one really cared about his blue sock.. they were all way too concerned with their own looks and what was going on with them.. and that if he had just not said anything, no one would have even noticed.

The point is, our ego tends to get in the way and humans by nature are completely self centered. We are so concerned with what others think of us that we don't even really notice what's going on with the other people... But that's only human nature! You ARE as important as you think ^^ It's just that everyone else is so busy being important to themselves that they don't tend to notice lol.. So, any time you get embarrassed just remember that. My friend once told me, getting embarrassed by little things is similar to getting a bee sting.. it's uncomfortable for a little bit, but after a while it goes away and is a thing of the past. (unless you're allergic ofc lmao)

But you know, it's important to be humble too. It's something I strive for each and every day (but it doesn't always happen lol)

@BrokenX

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my posts. I know they are often long and tedious lol.. I am glad someone does... I came to this site because I was really lonely and really needed help (and I have found so much wonderful support in the few short days that I have been here) And I just hope that I can give something back as well to you guys. I know I have a tendency to ramble and write too much so thank you so much for bearing with that ^^

It is sad about the teachers, but it is what it is I guess and all I can do now is move forward... People are just cruel by nature, that's the sad fact of life that everyone here realizes all too well I am sure. I don't know if I am an amazing person lol.. but thank you for that too! With my borderline I tend to be either super pessimistic or super optimistic.. It's really difficult for me to find a middle ground with my emotions.. But I am grateful even for that disorder, because I think it's those optimistic days that really push me through. I am an insecure and weak person I think sometimes.. but I have something a lot of people don't.. and that's hope! It really is an amazing thing, and most of the time it's the only thing that keeps me going...

Thank you again for all your kind words!

and @ Osse

Thank you for your reply too.. tho I don't really know what to say either. I just wanted to address you and acknowledge you.

Hardships make us strong. Problems give birth to wisdom. Sorrows cultivate compassion. Those who have suffered the most will become the happiest. ^^ That's life!

 

[Hellhound]

I don't really know if I want to share all of this and I doubt you guys want to hear it because it's not a happy story.. but I can tell you my childhood is DEFINITELY what fcked me up... I won't go into gory details too much because, well it would just be too long to type, and I don't really think you guys want to hear just how messed up everything was... But I can tell you my dad was an abusive jerk for the short time that he was with us.. I remember one incident quite clearly.. when I was like 3 or so he had put me in a waste paper basket (or small trash can of some sort) and told me to just sit there and be quite.. then he dragged a chair over and stood on it and I remember him yelling at me.. I don't really remember what he was saying.. but I have this clear image of him towering over me and pointing his finger and looking really, really angry.. Years later mom told me that he used to do that to me a lot if I did something bad (like make a mess in my high chair or poop in my diaper I dunno..) apparently he would yell things like I am so worthless and nobody loves me and I wasn't wanted etc etc.. Now I don't really remember that part but.. I am sure it effected me somehow...

Part 2...A couple years after mom left him (when I was about 7) she got really really really sick and was on all sorts of psychotropic medications and was diagnosed with agoraphobia and depression etc... So she wasn't really around at all. I remember going weeks at a time without even laying eyes on her. So basically I raised myself from that time on (as in I would babysit for money to feed myself and what not.. also I was responsible for paying all the bills and rent and stuff.. mom was essentially useless). Anyway, consequently, I didn't take very good care of myself (as a 2nd grader) and was horribly teased and ridiculed at school, not only by the other kids but by the teachers and some parents as well.. so I just wouldn't go to class very often.. I would just hide out in my room or in a tree or something all day and read books.. I remember quite clearly my 5th grade teacher taking me up in front of the classroom and saying to me.. "you failed the 5th grade. You are stupid and you are worthless.. and the only reason I am passing you, is because I don't want to see your face in this school ever again..." I wasn't a bad student or anything.. I'm not a bad person.. I don't know why people always treated me that way or what I did to deserve it.. but it is what it is...

So yea... my childhood definitely caused me to be who I am today. I mistrust people and well, the world in general... Most of the time I feel like all other people cause is misery, suffering, hatred and pain... that's why most of the time I don't even bother with society at large.. That's why I keep my distance..

And I apologize.. I didn't mean for this to be a sob story, not at all. I mean I know many of you had it much worse and I was fortunate I didn't really suffer physical abuse.. just emotional abuse and neglect.. so I know I had it good compared to a lot of people. I am just saying, I for sure think that what happens to us in childhood shapes who we are.. I mean I can get all psychological on you and talk about Erik Erikson's psychosocial stages of development and trust vs mistrust and Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt and so on and so on (not to mention the hundreds of other theory's that explain why we are who we are) but yea... I guess that's probably one of the reasons I ended up going into Developmental Psychology too as my major in college.. it effected every aspect of my life...

The people who treated you that way are f*cked up in the head. It's not your fault... You are much better than them, and much more intelligent. I'm sure. Those kind of people are insecure, immature, they hate themselves or, on the contrary, they are self centered and controlling bitches, they probably have zero confidence... and treating others like crap is what gives them the confidence they lack. They won't go too far in life, trust me.