Can't take positive attention

[DarkSeeker]

It may sound ironic, but I can't take it when people on the internet gives me positive attention, and try to show sympathy, and it's even worst if it's in real life. It hurts like fire. I can't take it, I just want to be left alone, but doing that just makes things worst. I never had any kind of positive attention in my entire life before I was like 16, and was left behind in a foster home in Nova-Scotia for a month in a English immersion program, which the bitch wanted to take herself but was too much of a bitch to do it. I never thought in Joual again after I came back. Anyways, the only thought of getting positive attention makes me want to set myself on fire, which probably makes you wonder why I'm posting here, because so far all I get is positive attention which I really feel unworthy of. You better just throw an insult my way, and tell me that I'm supposed to do this and say that, but even that isn't any good of course.

By the way, does any of you have problems recognizing themselves in the mirror. I look in the mirror and see someone who is absolutely the opposite of who I am now. I can't shake the feeling that I am not who I was meant to be, and that my soul was shattered to smithereens.

 

[dooby-duck]

Yeah I hate any attention, positive and negative. It is still attention and I would rather blend in to the background most of the time.

 

[NathanielWingatePeaslee]

I've been there. At this point in my life positive attention only gives me a panicky sensation and the urge to flee, and I yell at myself (internally) to not give in to that.

Your brain just doesn't know how to process it yet and too much of you is screaming out that you don't deserve it. Negative attention is easier to deal with because your brain is used to it. Simple. You bastard.

 

[Nocer]

i find it normal when people treat me negatively. no one is that nice unless they have something up their sleeve.

 

[Silvox Black]

May I ask precisely what is so horrid about positive reactions towards you, that you must shun it completely? Contrary to your misguided beliefs, you most certainly have earned kind treatment. May I ask what you have done that makes you believe the opposite?

 

[Hellhound]

I suppose it's "natural" that, after receiving negativity for so many years, you'll feel a bit strange if someone says other thing. I happen to feel like that too if someone says something nice about me... But, just like you, I'm used to negative attention at the point that my mind got "programmed" to believe that negatives are normal and positives are wrong... if it makes any sense.

 

[OPERA]

whenever i used to score goals in soccer i would be so embarrassed /could never be happy for myself. its a weird feeling when everyone around you is cheering and you're thinking about digging yourself a grave

 

[johnny 85]

, I'm used to negative attention at the point that my mind got "programmed" to believe that negatives are normal and positives are wrong... if it makes any sense.

that makes perfect sense to me !! im always weary if someone gives me positive comments or attention, unless i know they really mean it but i still
struggle to accept it. my self esteem is wicked low .

 

[philly2bits]

I used to have this problem when I was younger. I don't think it was because I wasn't used to compliments, but more so because it always gave me the feeling that I would let someone down the next time. If I did good in school or whatever, then I would always have to do just as good or better or else I would be a disappointment. The thought of perpetually always needing to do better negated any positive feelings I would get from the compliments themselves.

 

[DarkSeeker]

whenever i used to score goals in soccer i would be so embarrassed /could never be happy for myself. its a weird feeling when everyone around you is cheering and you're thinking about digging yourself a grave

Whoa, I felt that same very sensation upon reading this. It's like my brain perceives everything coming from other people as a deadly threat.

May I ask precisely what is so horrid about positive reactions towards you, that you must shun it completely? Contrary to your misguided beliefs, you most certainly have earned kind treatment. May I ask what you have done that makes you believe the opposite?

Well, I think that's because my emotions don't feel real. I mean they are but I know that not only no one gives a damn about them, and everyone perceives them as ridicule, particularly if I feel good about it. My parents being the first to give me this treatment, then everyone I've ever met afterward. You know either of my parents can call me an arshole, and I don't have a say on it, and don't think of talking to my father about emotions, you're gonna get him starting to talk like a 4 year old. "Gee gee gee, Ohhhh poor you, yoouuu arrreee sooo miseeerable, Ohhhh pooorr mee, you'vvee hurt my feeeeelings, and alll I doo never works and I am sooo miseeeraable Ohhhh and blablabla..." On the other hand if I was call them arsholes, now their feelings are very hurt, and they wery angry at me because they gave me everything and did everything they could (yeah right...), and it's not their fault because because their parents were monsters and then poor them they were raised by monsters. Also you bet I'm going to have to beg like a dog for their forgiveness, or else I'll be eating **** for dinner. That's all emotional manipulation, that's what it is.

And you know it's been like that for as far as I remember and beyond. Nobody ever gives a rat's ass about how I feel, and so I don't want it to ever happen because I don't know any better, but it goes against human very nature and that kills me, and which probably explains why I don't feel human.

 

[Silvox Black]

Whoa, I felt that same very sensation upon reading this. It's like my brain perceives everything coming from other people as a deadly threat.



Well, I think that's because my emotions don't feel real. I mean they are but I know that not only no one gives a damn about them, and everyone perceives them as ridicule, particularly if I feel good about it. My parents being the first to give me this treatment, then everyone I've ever met afterward. You know either of my parents can call me an arshole, and I don't have a say on it, and don't think of talking to my father about emotions, you're gonna get him starting to talk like a 4 year old. "Gee gee gee, Ohhhh poor you, yoouuu arrreee sooo miseeerable, Ohhhh pooorr mee, you'vvee hurt my feeeeelings, and alll I doo never works and I am sooo miseeeraable Ohhhh and blablabla..." On the other hand if I was call them arsholes, now their feelings are very hurt, and they wery angry at me because they gave me everything and did everything they could (yeah right...), and it's not their fault because because their parents were monsters and then poor them they were raised by monsters. Also you bet I'm going to have to beg like a dog for their forgiveness, or else I'll be eating **** for dinner. That's all emotional manipulation, that's what it is.

And you know it's been like that for as far as I remember and beyond. Nobody ever gives a rat's ass about how I feel, and so I don't want it to ever happen because I don't know any better, but it goes against human very nature and that kills me, and which probably explains why I don't feel human.

Bah, then your parents are the sort of people I dedicate my life to. They are damned fools and simpering, pathetic children. I would heartily agree with you if you said you did not love them. This is a classic case I've seen far too many times before. A life ruined by the ineptitude of their so called "family". Anyhow, I see why you feel as you do now. It takes time to remove such conditioning from your mind, but I say again, you deserve kindness. You've earned it. Every human has in some degree. You are no less than human with all our shortcomings and blessings. After all, for you to feel such emotions would already make you human and that alone is enough for me at least.

 

[DarkSeeker]

Bah, then your parents are the sort of people I dedicate my life to. They are damned fools and simpering, pathetic children. I would heartily agree with you if you said you did not love them. This is a classic case I've seen far too many times before. A life ruined by the ineptitude of their so called "family". Anyhow, I see why you feel as you do now. It takes time to remove such conditioning from your mind, but I say again, you deserve kindness. You've earned it. Every human has in some degree. You are no less than human with all our shortcomings and blessings. After all, for you to feel such emotions would already make you human and that alone is enough for me at least.

You're right, I don't love them and I never did. You don't make emotional bonding with people who are acting angry, anxious and paranoid all the time, and also who never ever showed you any kind of healthy genuine affection. I think in their case it would take more a zoologist than a psychiatrist to take care of them.

You're interested in becoming psychologist? Good for you, you're gonna get into a lots of fun. We all know that everyone is constantly lying to one another, but you don't get to realize how deeply this is true until you watch their behavior very closely, and see just how twisted and evil they can be. I'm not studying psychology or anything, I'm just talking about personal experience of living with malignant Narcissists, and reading/hearing stories of people having gone through hell. You can get really surprise at what you discover if you just ask the right questions.

Anyways, thank you everyone. With all the upbringing happening of late, I'm starting to feel a bit better about myself. This is a strange feeling, but I think that deep down we can't truly deny our true nature. Being and feeling negative just doesn't work.